The Kids

Rayya, my little munchka. You couldn't be any more adorably cute! I love how you chatter almost constantly, and try to grab my mug and peek inside of it. I love how you kick your legs when you are excited, and how you smile so big when you see me that you have to turn away. I love how laid back you are most of the time, and how you just seem to be smiling all day long. Even though I wish you'd sleep longer stretches at night, I love how you look when I tip-toe out of your room when you've fallen back to sleep. I love how you smell. I love your skin. I love your hair. I love your eyes. I love how you are part of me, and part of daddy. I love that we call you "Birdie" because you never close your mouth, and are always soaked. I love watching you looking at James - studying all his moves so that in time you can follow along. I love how you spin the froggy toy on your exersaucer over and over again. I love how you watch my face to see my reaction to things that you do - like splash your legs in the bathtub. Rayya, I love everything about you - you are my miracle baby.

Jamers, my little monkey. You are precious. I love how you learn things so quickly, and how much you love to talk about everything you've learned. I love how much you talk - even when it gets frustrating. I love how almost every day you get us rolling on the floor laughing by something you've said. I love you for being so willing to wear your glasses, and then getting even cuter once you have them on. I love how you do everything at high speed, and full force. I love how you giggle, and how it sounds when you are playing with your cars and whispering to them. I love it that crocodile Steve plays in my plants - even though you break the leaves off. I love your zest for life, and your excitement over things - like making Jello, or building forts. I love how you have always loved your sister, and when you tell me you think she's cute. I love how you know exactly which four Hot Wheels cars I like best - because they are sparkly. I love how you try out new phrases you heard on cartoons that day. I love how you look for me every morning to give me a hug. I love that you still want me to carry you after naptime. I love it when you take my hand and want to hold it. I love how you are so proud of your family, and introduce us to strangers that we meet. I love it that you are sensitive and gentle. I love hearing you pray at night. James, I love everything about you - you are a gift.

More Vaccine Info

Alright, so in my panic yesterday I got a few details wrong. There is no aborted fetal tissue actually IN the vaccines. The viruses from which vaccines are created are cultured in these tissues. Also, there is no aborted fetus factory out there for which these tissues come from. The same three cell lines have been used now for 35 years, and the aborted babies were not aborted FOR this purpose. That changes things for me. I like this article that a friend sent yesterday. I think it makes some good points.
That being said, I am going to be talking to our local public health nurse about the possibility of bringing in the "ethical alternatives" for my kids. This might mean more pricks... but I'm okay with that, we can space them out. In the meantime, if there are no alternatives, my children will still be vaccinated. I was never an advocate for the chickenpox vaccine anyway, and I don't think James got it. I do think the MMR vaccine is important, because these viruses can cause sterility in men (my uncle is sterile because he got measles as a child), and can cause miscarriages and severe birth defects if Rayya got it while pregnant someday. So that's my stand on that issue. I'll likely spend more time in prayer about it, but for today my decision is made.

Vaccines

Up until this evening I always fully supported vaccinations, and have had my children vaccinated with all the recommended vaccines. I don't know if James got the chickenpox vaccine... but I don't think so. I'll have to go to his records to check. Rayya has had her first two sets of vaccinations, one of those being the MMR vaccination.

I am sick to my stomach upon finding out today that the MMR vaccine and chickenpox vaccine use ABORTED FETAL TISSUE (MRC-5) in its ingredients. It was developed by using the lung and retinal tissues from two different 18 week gestationally aborted babies (aborted for pschological reasons).

I truly am devastated. This website has a chart showing the vaccines that contain this tissue, and whether or not there are certain manufacturers that make it without the use of MRC-5. Currently in Canada there are NO manufacturers that make the MMR or chickenpox vaccine without MRC-5 cells.

I don't really know what to do. Of course, I cannot undo what has already been done. The vaccines that James and Rayya have received will remain. However, you can be rest-assured that I will doing some serious praying and inquiring regarding their further vaccinations.

What in the world are we coming to people?! What in the world?!

Thunder Thigh Thursday

I am about to embark on a dangerous post... but I really, REALLY do not want to offend anyone. Now I know many of you are already thinking, "Well, then just don't post it". I could do that, and just not mention what's on my mind these days - but that is just not like me, so I'm going to go ahead with it. Again, this is not meant to offend, because just like I am about to post my personal feelings about something - everyone else also has the right to post ANYTHING that they want to on their blogs as well.

I get sad when I see so many posts that are related to weight. Be it weight lost, weight gained, weight that once was, weight that is no more, pregnancy before and after weights, the premarriage weight, the teenage weight... all these weight posts are hard for me to read. They are hard because I know that they are a stumbling block to women who have, or have had, eating disorders and self-image issues. I can honestly say this is not something I've personally struggled with, but that I have what I feel is a very high number of friends that do. I definately do have days when I'm down on my body - but they are short-lived. If I read too many weight posts, I'll often find myself judging my body more harshly.

I have heard my fair share of stories of eating disorders, even leading to months of rehab, and the constant struggle with self-image. I have friends in their mid-twenties that have had two or more babies sporting Spanx to the playground to conceal "bulges". I have had friends that are BEAUTIFUL cry about the (invisible) flab that they have gained over winter. I have heard long and sad stories of diets, drinks, pills, (the overuse and abuse of) exercise, and just a simple lack of eating altogether - even during pregnancy! These problems stem from all kinds of things, but we used to primarily blame the media. Now, I also add to that list to blame both blogs and Facebook.

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

This is a photo that was retouched by my cousin Jessica:

It just goes to prove that a fairly normal looking person, with skin flaws and dark under-eyes, can be perfect by media standards with a little computer-enhancement. I'll never forget when I heard Tyra Banks explain how during one of her bathing suit photoshoots her thighs were touching, so they made her point her toes together to make it look like they didn't. Even the best of them have thighs that touch.

So many women seem to think that they are doing themselves a favour by posting these weight struggles and successes online. I have to wonder why? Is it the motivation? The encouragement from other bloggers? I cringe when I read titles like "Weigh-In Wednesday", "Find My Fat Friday", and "So Not Skinny Sunday". What I see is a huge influx in reasons why I don't ever want to let my daughter (or son) be on the internet. Besides the usual media pressure to be "perfect", there is now the internet to add to that constant barage of images of woman - some with babies on their hip, and a toddler in the background, weighing in at about 90 pounds, and sporting a single-digit-sized pair of jeans. With all that out there on the WWW, why wouldn't she be a target for some major self-image problem? I'm scared for her.

"Anyone who reads the word but does not do what is says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror. " James 1:23

What I want her to believe with all her heart is that GOD made her in HIS image. She is perfect because that is how He created her to look. I want her to be confident in herself whether she wears a size S, M, or L, or a 2, 10 or 16. I don't want her to rely on the scale to be a means by which she measures her worth and beauty. I don't want her to rely on the image in the mirror. I want her to rely on herself, her family, her best friends, and ultimately, her Father in Heaven. I don't want her to see fat or flab - I want her to see a BODY. A temporary body. It's function? To house her spirit.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised". Proverbs 31:30

A body comes in all shapes and sizes. I will likely never be a single-digit-sized woman. My body wasn't designed to be. And you know what? I'm actually totally fine with that. Really, I am. I want to be healthy - and that is what is important. If I need to lose weight for that purpose, then I will try to by making healthier choices and exercising regularly (in my personal opinion, a two-story house and a toddler IS an exercise program). I want my daughter (and son too) to value inner beauty. I want her to value what's real, and what matters. I want her to feel good with make-up on, and without any on. I want her to smile with her teeth showing, even if they aren't perfect (mine sure aren't).

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair, and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful." 1 Peter 3:3-5

So, these are my thoughts on weight loss blog posts. This is my call to women to believe they are beautiful NO MATTER WHAT! More importantly, if you need to lose weight, consider keeping it private. Find an online support group separate from your blog, or close friends to keep accountable to. You just never know who is watching, reading, and comparing.

Sleep Issues

How long ago was it that I posted that Rayya is a good sleeper? I think I must have been delirious - perhaps from too much sleep from one or two good nights in a row, or perhaps from the lack of sleep. I'm not sure, but I recant that statement. Rayya is NOT a good sleeper, and hasn't been for a few weeks now.

I'm still glad that she isn't as bad as James was in the sleep department. However, what makes her sleep issues worse than his is that:

a) I now have two kids to look after during the day, requiring more energy. One of them being three, and needing LOTS of energy.

b) With one kid only taking one nap a day, I don't have the option of napping when baby does.

c) One kid also needs meals made for him, and when I don't have the energy, I can't just say "Supper is up to you tonight, I'm too tired".

So, Rayya's sleep issues are really bothersome for me. I also am not a great person with lack of sleep. Even just a few less hours than usual makes me into a walking time bomb. I start to feel like I'm going to lose my mind, and everything bugs me. My patience disappears, and my ambition totally depletes. It's not a good scene. This mama needs her sleep! I'd venture to say that after a week or more with less than 5 hours of sleep in a row each night I am usually on the verge of depression - and that's no joke!

What she is doing is that she is no longer sleeping the long and beautiful 8-10 straight hours like she did a few months back. It truly was beautiful. Now, she is usually going down to sleep at 8:00pm, and waking anytime between 11:00 and midnight for a bottle (which I don't mind, usually I'm still pretty much awake). She'll usually fall right back to sleep, and then potentially be up zero to ten times between midnight at 4:00am. Usually, it just requires that I stick her soother in. But then it takes me some time to fall back to sleep, and it seems that usually as I am just getting warm and dozing off, she wakes up again. She used to often just fall back to sleep on her own, but these days she goes off like a fire alarm - loud and long! Then, I'll usually give her another bottle between 4:00am and 5:00am, because at that point it seems she is very adamant that she needs a bottle and not just the soother. Usually she will fall back to sleep, and then wake up anytime between 6:00am (too early) and 8:00am (decent). This is a frustrating sleep pattern, and I am not pleased. There is too much getting up. I don't know when she lost the art of self-soothing, and I don't think she is hungry.

I'd love to just let her cry-it-out now, but that comes with consequences, which is why I haven't done it yet. She doesn't cry much, but when she does, LOOK OUT WORLD! This girl has lungs. The crying is LOUD. It is much louder and emotionally draining than James' crying ever was. So if I let her cry, the whole household is going to be awake for the duration. I'm not a fan.

This causes me to sort of grin-and-bear-it for now, but I'll admit I'm not really succeeding at that either. I'm tired, and I just want to sleep a straight 8 hour stretch again. I can do ANYTHING with sleep like that, and tolerate a lot more too. I guess we'll likely have to suck it up and let her cry a few nights, even if that means we're ALL awake. Not cool.

Faith, or Lack Thereof?

No, I don't really think I'm lacking faith... I just seem to ebb and flow in my excitement for it. I'm told this is normal, and that we all "drift" - but I don't like drifting. I suppose coming off the high of Rayya's miraculous birth has caused a sort of anti-climactic feeling in me. That, and toss in life with two kids, a husband, exhaustion and you have a recipe for someone who lacks ambition to pursue almost anything - nevermind devotions, Bible Study homework, quality prayer time, and in general, a vivacious life in faith. I foresee this improving however, perhaps with more nice weather, and an influx of vitamin D back into my life.
I certainly think I've hit the doldrums of winter. I feel a little... blah. I'm finding myself being very negative, easily irritated, bored (with the exception of my new quilt-making fetish, which is helping the boredom disappear), and sometimes just downright angry. This, I don't believe, is me. So I am eagerly awaiting Spring, and all the fun things that I have to look forward to with that. I can't wait to puddle jump with James in my new rubber boots from Superstore (I love the Joe line), take the kids for walks in the stroller again, let Rayya lay on a blanket in the sun, go to the playground, walk to the store, have picnics, chase tricycles, swim in the pool, play in the sandbox... the list goes on and on. Oh, how I cannot wait for Spring!

Randoms

CAUTION: In this post there is a photo of human toddler fecal matter. Just warning you.

Playing dress-up and having a photoshoot in clothes knitted by my grandma.

The potty training is complete, however, when James poops, EVERYONE in the household has to come to see it. Grandpa Plett decided to bless us with a picture of one such viewing.

Good Mommy Moment: a fancy nightsnack.

Rayya tries out a cookie.

Haning out with grandma Kroeker.

James in some kind of snag.

And last but not least, one of those discoveries that makes me smile. I love being a mom!

Five Months - Rayya

My five month-old is truly a blessing. Rayya Katherine Faith is just a beautiful little creature. She is nearly happy all the time. I pretty much have all her cries figured out, so when she does cry, I can usually take care of it pretty quickly. When she cries, it is LOUD. Ryan keeps earplugs around, just in case. Rayya is rolling over now, though very rarely, from front to back, and sometimes from back to front. She keeps trying to scoot now, so I don't think we're too far away from seeing her attempting to crawl. She's had two tastes of rice cereal. The first one was very unsuccessful. I tried again two weeks later, and she seemed a lot more interested. She is a really good night sleeper, and that isn't to rub it in to anyone who currently has a kid who isn't. I've been in your shoes - it is PAINFUL to read about a good sleeper when your kid isn't sleeping well. I'll spare you all the details for that reason, and keep it at she sleeps well. Rayya loves her excersaucer now, and consistently spins one of the toys on it over and over again. She smiles at everyone, which is usually also accompanied by a whole tonne of drool. This kid is ALWAYS soaked. She nearly has her first two teeth - they are swollen, and trying to make their way out. This doesn't seem to bother her much, but she has had a few off nights lately and I wonder if it's teething. She loves to "talk", and often can be heard chattering to herself in her crib. She still loves diaper changes and baths, and being naked. Like her brother, she has pretty much no use for her soother, though she does like to start out the night and naptimes with it. Otherwise, the soother is just another toy to her. Her favourite things to play with are a Lamaze princess toy, a little stuffed bunny, and a Mexican rattle. That's all I can think of... I'm writing this with a splitting headache, so I wonder if it will make any sense when I read it back!

Inadequate

I'm not always the mommy, or the wife, or the daugher, or the sister, or the friend that I want to be. I look in the mirror and think that I should really be so much more, to so many more, and yet there I am. I am just me. On my off-days, which I'm having today, I rake myself over the coals a lot.

I should do more fun things with James.
I should be reading more books to Rayya.
I should be cooking up better meals for Ryan, and being a better wife.
I should send my brother a care package.
I should write my mom a thank you note for all she does.
I should pray for this friend, that friend, those friends, invite them for lunch, make them a meal.

But I am just me. I can't do it all, though I want to. I can't make things perfect, but I try to. I can't fix everything, but I pretend to. I can't be everywhere, do everything... but I wish I could. I wish that every day could feel like a good day. I wish I could always go to God first, and let Him walk me through the bad days instead of just trying to push through them by myself. I wish I could always feel proud and good about myself, and what I've done. But I don't.
I lack joy sometimes. I lack peace a lot of the time. I lack patience most of the time. I lack kindness and goodness once in a while, and faithfulness sometimes. Today gentleness and self-control are particularly lacking. I feel inadequate. Do you ever feel like that? Where you just can't get it right?
Yes, it's a full blown pity party. Cry me a river. But I think it's the lack of sun, lack of warmth, lack of summer. I want summer! Summer, I miss you!

Beautiful

Sometimes you read things, and it changes you. I read this post today, and it changed me. I can't stop the tears from falling. I wonder if I would be able to be strong in this same situation. What strikes me so hard is this line, "Love me. Love me. I am not what you expected, but oh, please love me". My heart breaks into a million pieces every time I read those words. I think I can say I would - I would love. I would love, and love, and love. Yes, I think I most definately would.

More Potty Training & Formula Feeding

James' potty training was going great - we had 5 straight days of no accidents! Then, he got lazy (or so we think). The last two days have had a few "I didn't get there in time" accidents, including one poop. Ew. So, today we're back to the constant reminders and keeping a close eye on things instead of just trusting that he'll use the potty, and then come to tell us. Hopefully he'll get back into his accident-free groove again. It's still really good though, and I am SO glad to be on the home stretch of having him trained. What a relief!

So on to Rayya. Rayya has been on the bottle now since the New Year. I started her off with 4oz. bottles, and a size 2 nipple (Avent), and she drinks every three hours. She has a hard time finishing off 4oz. most of the time, and often I have to go back after an hour or so and coax her to finish off the last ounce or so. I've tried upping the nipple slow to a 3, but that is too fast for her, and she spits half of it out. Using the size 2 nipple it can take 20 minutes or more for her to finish 4oz. James at this age was guzzling 6oz. easily in a feeding, and was usually going about four hours in between. I'm okay with Rayya eating every three hours, but with her just barely getting in 4oz., that equals five and only SOMETIMES six bottles a day. That comes to about 20-24oz. in a 24 hour period - which at best is the lowest that I've ever seen recommended for a baby her age. The rule of thumb is usually 2.5oz. per lb., and Rayya is about 13lbs, which would make her recommended formula intake 32.5oz. I'm not sure if it really matters. She's content, sleeping well, and I think gaining well - though I'm gauging that simply from the perspective that she has a few rolls, and looks healthy. What do you think? Do I need to go by the book on this, or just let her eat as much (or as little) as she wants?

Potty Training Day 5 & the Twins

Potty training day five was another success! James woke up dry, and had a pee on the potty after we stripped him down in the morning. We went to a playdate, where he wore underwear and pants and he had no accident. Once we got home for lunch he got stripped down to underwear, and went down for his nap with a Pull-up. He woke up dry, and spent the rest of the afternoon undressed. I think he had another pee. I then let him wear underwear, and we practiced pulling it up and down, and he seemed to get it. In the evening he had a pee and I think a poo with daddy at home (unless otherwise noted, I always mean in the potty). Come bedtime, we put him in a Pull-up and tried to get him to pee before bed. After tucking him in, he came out of his room and asked to go pee. He did! Yay! And off he went back to bed. Again, he woke up this morning dry, and peed after his pajamas came off in the potty. He was then dressed all morning, and we tried to pee at McDonald's but it was "too scary". He still hasn't used a big potty. Anyway, he has remained accident-free, and we are thrilled! Here's hoping to continued success. I may or may not continue to document our progress. I might need advice on how to get him to use the big toilet, especially while we're out. I bought a portable potty seat today, the kind that fold up, so I hope that will help.

Also, yesterday marked two years since we lost our "twins" - our first attempt at baby number two. That was my most sad and heart-breaking miscarriage. I had hoped I would never miscarry again, and I was SO excited to make James a big brother, and then things started to feel... not right. I prayed so hard not to lose that baby. As much as the thought of twins overwhelms me, it would have been neat to have that experience. Guess I will just have to wait until Heaven! I haven't named any of our angel babies, but for some reason when I think of these two names from The Lord of the Rings come to mind - the prominent females from the stories, Eowyn and Arwen.

Haiti

I don't think we truly understand.
This is real.
This happened, and is STILL happening.
What if this was us?
Our friends, family, children... piled on the streets. Dead.
It's easy to push it out of our minds, and worry about other things.
What to eat tonight for supper?
What will the kids wear tomorrow?
When will I get around to sweeping?
It means nothing.
What will it take to make us understand?
My heart breaks when I look at this.
Shattered.
And yet I remain unthankful at times.
Lord, forgive me.

Potty Training - Day 4

Today was a great PT day! James woke up DRY in his Pull-up, or at the very least, we couldn't tell if there was anything in it. We stripped him down right away, and soon enough he had a nice big morning pee on the potty. He spent nearly the entire rest of the morning naked, and had one more pee on the potty. He got a Pull-up for naptime, but woke up dry. He had one more pee on the potty after his nap, and then didn't pee or poop at all for the rest of the day. Not sure what that means... we tried to get him to pee before bed, but with no luck. In any case, he did not have any mishaps today, and that is AWESOME! We'll see if he's dry tomorrow morning!

I just thought of something! I just realized that with James not using a diaper today... it's the first day in three years that I have not changed James' diaper, with the exception of the times when I have been away overnight, which are few.

Potty Training - Day 3

Wow! So after last nights success I felt a lot more hope and positivity coming into today's potty training. I was right to be positive, it's been going well.

First, James HAS to be naked. I dressed him this morning, and he peed almost right away. We then went out for a while, and he had no accidents (held it in). When we got home I immediately stripped him down, and let him run. While I was putting Rayya into her crib for a nap, James stuck his head in the door and whispered "I peed on the potty UPSTAIRS mom!". He hadn't used that one yet... so I was a little curious and nervous. But sure enough! Even when I wasn't there, he used the potty! I was PUMPED, and so was he, so we had a big Potty Party with marshmellows and jelly beans.

After his nap, which I dressed him for, I didn't immediately take off his clothes and that was a mistake. Again, he peed in his pants. However, he had TRIED to sit on the potty... so I didn't give him the cold bath. I just stripped him down, and let him run. He spent most of the afternoon doing what you see in the photo. Watching cartoons while on the potty - he actually seems to prefer to sit on the potty while undressed. Eventually, and again while I was putting Rayya down, he came up (with the bowl from the potty with him) to show me he had peed in the potty again! Yay for another Potty Party!

So... we are making serious progress. So far no poops on the potty though, and so far he doesn't seem to be able to get the idea of pulling down the pants/underwear himself to go. But the fact that he will independently go on the potty while undressed is AWESOME! The day is not over yet, but day three has produced a two-for-two thus far.

UPDATE: We have now had a successful POOP on the potty too! Yahoo!

Potty Training - Days 1 & 2

So, we're potty training. Why? Well, because I looked at the calendar a while back and this entire week had not one thing written in. That, and I sure am tired of wiping up big boy poop. James is a super smart kid - he GETS it. I don't have any worries that he isn't understanding the concept, or not knowing what to do. He knows, and he just doesn't WANT TO DO IT. Also, we want to put him into preschool in fall, and he has to be trained. Some say I should wait till summer. Really?! I don't think we'll want to take time out from the beautiful weather to potty train. Also, that means we're that much closer to "the deadline" and it just puts on more pressure. If he'd learn now, he has several more months to have it figured out by fall.

Some have asked how I knew he was ready. I didn't know. I still don't know. He's never ever shown one "sign of readiness". He doesn't care if he is wet or pooped. He has never shown any sign of discomfort. He has never shown any interest in the toilet. He's watch others, and hasn't been interested. The kid couldn't begin to care. Perhaps all this is enough to say that he is NOT ready - even if he is 3.

I feel stuck.

I've done my fair share of potty-training research, listened to the "experts" (moms, friends, others), and I don't know what approach to take. Some say "tough love" is what he needs now, but others say "no, just make it all a happy experience or else he'll never go". I'm trying to do both.

Day 1: Ryan was home from work due to a storm, so I had extra help. Unfortunately, I think that was a little high pressure with both parents constantly hounding him. James was in underwear all day, and peed three times - all in his underwear. Two out of those three times he was given a chilly wash down in the tub, which resulted in tears and sadness. One of those times was when Rayya was sleeping, so we skipped the drama and just cleaned him up and that was it. He never pooped all day, and eventually he was put back in a diaper for night. We were putting him on the potty in front of the TV every 15-30 minutes, and kept him there for about 10 minutes each time. By the end of the day we were putting him on the potty every 30 minutes or more. He doesn't really complain being on the potty if he can watch TV. Desperate to give him an idea of a reward, I started to reward him for taking down his own pants and underwear. That didn't last.

Day 2: Today James got away on Ryan in the morning and pooped in the underwear first thing in the morning. Thankfully it was hard, and just rolled out with little clean-up required (note: always feed kids rice while potty training). For the rest of the morning I put him on the potty once every hour for 10-15 minutes. He drank lots of juice and milk, but still didn't go. During the time I had gone to put Rayya down for her nap, he peed in the underwear. He got a cold bath, cried, and is now down for his nap (with underwear on). I keep thinking that if he would just have ONE pee or poo on the potty he'll be set! I know him. He'll be so thrilled that he'll keep doing it. He just seems unable to relax and let it come out. I even tried putting his hands in warm water this morning while he sat there, and then poured it into the potty and that didn't do it either.

So, what next? I'm going to try the "everything about this is a party" approach after naptime. I've been strictly warned by some not to discipline him for accidents, and yet others say that he knows better and should get disciplined for accidents. Or are they really accidents? Not really, right? Because he knows what to do, and isn't doing it. I just don't know which route to go with this. It's hard! I just want him to get ONE pee or poop in the potty, and then I know he'll stick with it. How do I motivate him when bribes won't work? How can I get that pee flowing?

UPDATE: Well, we didn't have any luck this afternoon, and there were two accidents with pee. However, a MAJOR breakthrough this evening! Ryan was home from work, and watching James like a hawk. We had him naked from the waist down for a few hours. Ryan saw a dribble, put James on the potty, and voila! He peed! We are now having a full-on potty party, with jelly beans and marshmellows. All in time for a major sugar rush right before bed - but hey - this is a START!!!

Just Pics

James in the Bumbo, March 2007

James in the Bumbo, January 2010

Rayya is really loving to ham it up these days!

A rare moment of James holding Rayya.

Gabriel (3), Josie-Grace (2 mths), James (3), Rayya (4 mths)

Daddy's little girl.

5 Reasons Women Hate February

By Nicole Johnson

It may come as a huge surprise to the men of America, but many women hate the month of February. If you try to discuss this with them, many men will say, “C’mon, you women love that sort of thing.” What sort of thing? Therein lies the problem.

Here are 5 very important reasons that we wouldn’t mind if February were a leap MONTH and we could skip it all together.

1. The Football Season still isn’t over. We used to be able to resume our marriages and important conversations with men before the end of January but now that the NFL Season has been stretched into February, we have to wait another week for the trash to go out. While most women actually enjoy the Super Bowl with its parties, commercials, and crazy half-time show, having it in February rather than earlier in the year is a real bummer.

2. Valentine’s Day. The patron saint of greeting cards is now remembered by overpriced meals with bad service at crowded restaurants. Men face unbelievable pressure to “step up” for this occasion and buy flowers three times too expensive, and worse yet feel compelled to buy something with a heart on it. They willingly rely on a greeting card conglomerate to personally express their “intimate feelings,” which goes about as well as skipping it all together.

3. Couple Mania. If we’re not single, we care about someone who is and we can imagine how it feels during the month of February. The whole commercial craze creates “holiday” feelings of loneliness (that many have just spent January in therapy for) in order to capitalize on the ever important “couple’s specials.” It’s painful.

4. Cheap Chocolate. Mass quantities of chocolate hearts begin to appear. The Christmas chocolate has been melted and reshaped into the forms of Valentine Love, which explains the taste. This “quality” chocolate appears in the most unlikely places, places you would never see chocolate on any other occasion—the pumps at gas stations, the lumber isle at home improvement stores, the check out counter at the Jiffy Lube—trying to catch the attention of the gender that doesn’t understand chocolate and persuade them to buy it now, right now, for their true “love.”

5. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Not only is women’s swimming suddenly the most popular sport, the magazine arrives in the dead of winter. Many of us haven’t hit the gym in a month or two because our car is frozen solid. We haven’t seen the sun in months and our legs are pasty white or coated with dry winter snakeskin. We’re carrying the few extra pounds from cheap chocolate we felt compelled to eat over Valentine’s Day, and we get sand kicked in our face from a beautiful woman frolicking in pot-holder sized swimwear from some warm beautiful location. It’s just too much.

A few hopeful ways to survive one of the worst months of the year:

• Create a Super Bowl commercial score sheet for everyone that will determine your group’s winning ad.

• Host a Valentine Party with couples and lots of single friends. Your friends will appreciate going anywhere other than a restaurant.

• Order or pick up some nice chocolate (like Godiva) for your husband or significant other early in the month (i.e. before they buy any for you) to enjoy “together” for Valentine’s Day.

• When the SI issue arrives, paste the head of your mother on the bodies of all the models.

Dragged Down with the Drama

I'm not sure about all of you, but one thing I didn't love about junior and senior high school was all the drama. Everything was about who said what, when they said it, who was there, who was your best friend, and who wasn't. I really hated it. All I wanted was everyone to be friends with everyone, and to have a few friends that I could trust and rely on.

I couldn't wait to move on after high school. I went off to Briercrest Bible College after I graduated. It was refreshing to start new. Everyone was more mature, and before long, I had found a nice little groove that I fit into perfectly. I decided that I never wanted to have that kind of drama in my life anymore.

Well, I have pretty much been able to avoid the drama. However, there are some people you can't just ignore, or not include as a part of your circle of friends. I have fairly recently allowed someone I've known for nearly my whole life into my circle. I was hestitant to do so, and now I am fast realizing why. I don't know why I let this person in, after years of living happily without having them be a close part of my life. I suppose it started out with Facebook (curse you Facebook!), and our communication there just naturally caused us to grow closer.

Now, I'm back into the drama again! I am constantly offending this person, or causing some kind of misunderstanding. I don't have this problem with any of my other friends! I feel I have to walk on eggshells, and even when I do that, I still seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

What also seems to be backfiring is my response to these dramatic episodes. I used to use the phrase "disarm them with love" back in my high school days. I've tried that same tactic in this situation, but that hasn't worked. Now, I find myself just becoming defensive and irritated, because I'm not so concerned about preserving my reputation, or appearing cool, or needing to have all the right friends. These days, I just want peace and quiet. I don't want to fight or argue. This person though, loves to fight and argue - and most of all - this person really has to have the last word. It is beyond irritating. And the trouble is, I can't just walk away and make it all go back to how it used to be. Argh.

Very Unfunny

So... last night I was feeling particularly hungry, and kept finding new snacks to keep my tummy happy. I was also feeling a little funny, with a touch of light-headedness. Ryan took note, and made a comment about me being pregnant again. Har. Har. Not a chance. Or was there a chance? No. NO! Definately not... right?

Well, that comment planted a seed of paranoia in me. When Ryan left to go do a few things out of the house, I went straight to my room to find a lingering pregnancy test someone had left me (thanks a lot YOU). I thought I was just being silly, and because I hadn't bought the test then hey - it was something to do. Right?

I did the test, and IMMEDIATELY a line comes up boldly in both little windows. Oh. My. Word.

Envision complete shock, followed by a giggle, then nearly tears, and then just numbness. Oh. My. Word. This CANNOT be happening. No. NO. This is not the time. This baby would be due ON RAYYA'S FIRST BIRTHDAY. No.

I awkwardly went to find Ryan. Um, honey... I think I actually AM pregnant. He made a reference to needing some Scotch. What on earth! This can't be happening to me. I am NOT ready, SO not ready! I paced the floor a while, until I decided that I should perhaps call the original purchaser of said pregnancy test. Just to make sure. So I call and ask her if she recalls what the positive sign on this particular test was supposed to look like. I told her what mine looked like, and she was unsure, but kinda thought that "ya, I think that's what a positive sign is supposed to look like". Oh. My. Word.

But I was not convinced, and wasn't quite ready to allow this to be a reality. Sure, I would have been happy eventually - but let's all admit it, this would be too soon to really be in the PLAN. So I did what all good parents do when they don't know what to do... I Googled. I Googled "positive pregnancy test images". I searched and searched until I finally found one that had a picture of the same (or similar) test that I had taken. And there it was...

The BEAUTIFUL photo proved to me that I had to have a PLUS SIGN in the first window to be positive - not just a LINE! YAY! I was so relieved, so very, very relieved. But perhaps this was a delicate reminder that it may be time to look into some methods of "family planning" soon.

Funny now, but SO unfunny as it was happening yesterday.

Four Months

Wow, I don't recall any other time in my life when four months flew by so incredibly fast! My little baby Rayya is four months old already, crazy! Rayya continues to be a joy, and perhaps it's just simply the fact that I am now a second-time mom, but she seems so much easier than James was. Here are just a few things that she is up to in a day:

• Usually up at around 8:00am every day, and when she has had a good sleep, she will always be ready to greet us with a big grin, with her arms and legs waving wildly with the excitement of seeing us.

• She is drinking about 4oz. of Nestle Good Start every 3 hours during the day.

• She is all over the map with her daytime sleep. I don't really mind, as long as she continues to sleep through the night!

• She is usually sleeping through the night now from 8:30pm to 8:00am, with the occasional wake-up for a soother.

• She has not yet rolled over, but has come pretty close!

• She hates tummy time, so we don't do it much.

• She loves getting kissed, taking baths, being undressed, and being on her playmat.

• This week she started holding toys and sucking/biting them. She drools constantly, and I have to put a bib on her.

• Rayya won't take a bottle from anyone but me, and sometimes my mom.

• Rayya doesn't like to drink when I'm not moving - I have to hold her, walk around the house, and try to keep the bottle in her mouth all at the same time.

• At her last check-up she weighed 13lbs, and is now wearing 3-6 month sleepers.

• Her bottom gums are really swollen, so I think we'll be seeing those first teeth soon.

• Rayya says "hi", or at least she makes a sound that sounds an awful lot like it if you say "hi" to her.

• Rayya makes strange, and is extremely fussy in a crowd. Even when there are a few too many people in one house, she doesn't like it.

• Despite the above point, like the good girl that she is, Rayya loves the mall!

Four Years

Four years ago today we lost our first baby. Thinking about it four years later still brings me to tears, because I'll never forget how I feared that we would never be able to have children. It's for this reason that my heart aches for all those women who want children, or more children, and can't have them. For a short time in my life, I thought I would be that woman. For whatever reason, that was not the end of the road for our family. I'll never forget how painful it was to travel to Hawaii that year, knowing that I was empty inside. I had anticipated the excitement of sharing with others that I was pregnant. I couldn't go swimming, because I was bleeding - and everytime I noticed it, it would remind me that our baby was gone. Forever. Gone. Four years is a long time, and many good and perfect things have come to us in those years. However, the past pain is still there, deep in my heart. The wondering of why God would allow us to lose our first love, and many other questions still lurk there in the part of my heart where I store the memories of my little lost angel babies. At that time in my life, I bought this diamond cross to remind me of our first baby. I have little tokens like this for each of them. I still wear them with the fond memories of those first exciting weeks of knowing that they had existed inside me. And I thank God that I'll one day meet each one of them...

The End of a Chapter

Today I lost the battle with my nursing problems. I thought I had it all figured out, but even that was not enough to keep me from my nursing demise. Though I am very sad to have to quit, there is a larger part of me that feels relief. I was under a tremedous amount of stress and anxiety - and the last thing I wanted to do was throw myself completely into a depression for the sake of breastfeeding. A mentally stable mother is STILL a better mother.

So it kind of went down like this... Rayya nursed fairly well through Christmas (thank God). I was thinking that perhaps we were going to make it through to that ever-evasive "green pasture" of nursing. But, just like her brother, and at the exact same age, Rayya started to get super fussy at the breast - moreso than ever before. It was becoming increasingly difficult for me to have a letdown. Sometimes it would take more than 5-10 minutes, and that was only if she would stay there that long, and only if she wouldn't scream. Soon, we were missing feeds altogether because there was no letdown, and a screaming baby. My anxiety because of this flew through the roof, and this just worsened the problem.

This weekend I finally tried giving Rayya a bottle of formula. She refused it. I was actually disappointed, because after all I had gone through with James and nursing, I had decided that with this baby I wasn't going to put myself through all that guilt again if I had to put her on formula. Wouldn't you know it - she, being totally opposite from James, who totally gobbled his first bottle - wouldn't take it. This made me feel that I absolutely would have no choice but to keep nursing her. However, she was also refusing to nurse. She would cry before I'd even latch her on - and she wouldn't stick around long enough for a letdown. I was trying everything - I went back onto the herbs, I was manually trying to stimulate a letdown, etc. Of course, my Dr's office was closed for the holidays, so I had no way of getting my hands on any kind of milk-inducing meds (domperidone).

Today I simply could no longer mentally and emotionally handle the constant stress and struggle to try and nurse Rayya. It was a battle every two hours - and even then, she was often not nursing, and we were both in tears. After calling a couple of people that I trust, I decided I would simply have to make a choice, and do it. I took one last bottle into Rayya's room, and prayed, "Lord, if she takes it, I'll quit nursing. If she doesn't take it, I'll keep trying. PLEASE give me peace over either choice!". And guess what?! She took that blasted bottle! A HUGE boulder rolled off my shoulders. She drank without any fuss, and finished the bottle. She was totally content afterwards, and so was I.

The rest of the day has gone perfectly with Rayya taking a bottle. I've quit cold turkey, because I don't know if I could balance trying to do both breast and bottle. I've shed all my tears now, and have released the guilt. As much as I am sorry to lose the privilege of nursing Rayya, I have now gained some control, some freedom, and more time and energy for both her and James. THESE things are far more important than the method by which she is fed.

So, now on to the next adventure in motherhood... potty training?!

I'm Catching On, Aunt Flow

Sometimes it just takes a little longer to figure out what's going on - and perhaps I can blame it on being a busy mother of two. I think I'm finally catching on to my body's schedule, and by figuring that out, I have effectively also figured out a few of my nursing issues.

Rayya started sleeping fairly long stretches at night around two months, possibly even earlier. It is not unusual to expect a five hour stretch from her, and I've been blessed with stretches up to nine hours! Some moms will wake their baby to feed after a certain number of hours, and I did so with James (though I usually didn't have to with him). I had previously decided that with this baby I wasn't going to do that. As many "old school" moms will tell you, "let a sleeping baby lie". I didn't expect to be getting that many hours, but I'm totally okay with it! As a result, my period returned a little earlier too, about two months ago. At the time of it's return, I was able to attribute a few nursing issues to the return of those hormones. Once I had finished the cycle, everything went back to normal. I can apparently ward off some of these issues by taking a calcium/magnesium supplement - instead of the herbs I was taking, which ultimately gave Rayya horrible gas pain, and I had to quite taking them - even though they were helping.

So a few weeks ago, Rayya started getting extremely distracted by almost anything while nursing. She would constantly try to turn her head while nursing, taking my nipple along for the ride. Ouch! I started to develope some pretty bad nipple pain, and was beginning to wonder if I'd be able to keep going. Well, a week of that and suddenly, the pain was nearly gone! What?! I was surprised at it's rather abrupt disappearance, but thankful none-the-less.

Last night Rayya was up several times in the night to nurse, and today I've noticed a significant drop in my milk supply. Looking back on my calendar it has all become clear!

The nipple pain I was experiencing happened exactly when I was most likely ovulating. Now, the drop in my milk supply is a good indicator that any day now Aunt Flow will come a-calling. As soon as she does, everything will go back to normal. On top of all that, Rayya's extra fussiness seems to be linked to her bi-weekly poop schedule (yes, she still regularly poops only every fourteen to sixteen days). At the end of the two week period, a day or two before "poop day" she is extremely irritable - and this irritability seems to grow over the week prior to "poop day". After "poop day" (which is an entire day of numerous, horrid smelling diapers), she is back to her happy self.

And thus, the cycle continues...

A Christmas Message for You

Opposites

James and Rayya couldn't be more opposite (as babies)! Besides the obvious, that James is a BOY and Rayya is a GIRL. Here are just a few of the ways that they are different (comparing James to Rayya when he was the same age):
• James hated baths when he was a baby, Rayya loves them!
• James did not sleep through the night until 9 months old, and Rayya already does (sometimes).
• James loved to be rocked, Rayya does not.
• James fell asleep nursing, Rayya rarely does.
• James could not self-soothe, and Rayya loves that best.
• James loved his carseat, and often slept in it. Rayya hates it.
• James loved (and still loves) travelling and car rides. Rayya is not a fan.
• James liked tummy time. Rayya does not appreciate tummy time.
• James liked goofy faces and noise-making toys, and Rayya doesn't as much.
• James liked big groups of people. Rayya most certainly is more of a home-body.
• James could sleep anywhere. Rayya needs her crib.
• James took the bottle instantly. Rayya likes nursing better.
• James always woke up crying. Rayya coos and "talks" to herself when she wakes up.
• James cried getting his diaper changed (and still does). Rayya loves diaper changes.
• James wasn't drooly. Rayya is always soaked.
• James handled needles pretty good. Rayya screamed all the way home.
• James often up-chucked large amounts of milk. Rayya keeps hers down almost always.
• James liked infant Tylenol. Rayya spits it out.
• James looks like mommy, and Rayya like daddy.
• James is spirited, and Rayya is textbook.
• James didn't cry loud, Rayya can burst eardrums.
• James has sensitive skin, and Rayya doesn't not.
• James is photogenic, and Rayya is not (gets that from me, unfortunately).
This list could be much, much longer - but I don't want to completely put you to sleep. Some of this is moreso for my own records than anything else, but I thought some of you might find it interesting.

The Joys of Parenting

Some days you just have to ask yourself, "why did I even bother"? Yesterday I decided that we would make a trip to Winnipeg after the kids had napped. This was for several reasons, because usually I avoid the mall in December like I would a kid with a cough during an H1N1 pandemic. In no particular order, the reasons why we went were:
1) So my brother could do some Christmas shopping.
2) So we could go see Santa, who was actually Ryan's Uncle Stan.
3) So we could have supper with our friend Tannis, who was out from BC.
4) So I could exchange a sweater I got for Christmas, and have it to wear this weekend.
5) So I could pick up all the desserts I needed for family gatherings this weekend.
6) To do some window browsing, and perhaps spend a gift certificate I received.
How much of this was actually accomplished? Well, my brother was able to buy one gift. We did SEE Santa, but did not sit on his knee. I exchanged the sweater, but chose something in under 5 minutes in desperation, and then proceeded to wait for almost another 20 minutes (while James ran amuck in the store, chased by Uncle Matt, and Rayya was alternately hysterical and then all smiles with all the attention she was getting from the clerks) to do the exchange. I did pick up the desserts - THANK YOU M&M Meat Shop! I did no extra window browsing or shopping. We did have supper with Tannis. However, I spent the ENTIRE meal finding a place to nurse a SCREAMING baby - which ended up being in our van in the parking lot, and by the time I was finished and back in the restaurant, only Ryan was left at the table... and my plate of cold food. Tannis had needed to leave to another engagement. Matt was chasing James around (who had evidently been extremely wild at supper), and Ryan was waiting for my return so that he could walk with Rayya while I put back that plate of seafood linguine in 5 minutes, tops. Oh, the joy!

Weepy

I'm kind of weepy today, though I haven't actually shed any tears. It feels like they want to come out in torrents, but are blocked by a huge dam. I'm not entirely sure why. It seems like one thing, and a million things all in one.

I suppose I could get into it, but there are a lot of things that I won't go into "publicly" on the blog. Some days I just lack the support and encouragement that I need as a mom. I'm a "words of affirmation" kind of girl, and these days my "love tank" is running low on this - particularly from the people that I NEED to hear it from. I'm just down, because I know that I can't function at my usual speed and it's frustrating.

We dedicated Rayya in church on Sunday, and that was beautiful. I was somewhat emotional through it all, because it was just a year ago that I was baptized under the lights of that same Christmas tree. I didn't get baptized in order to "get" a baby, but I felt that God wanted me to walk in that direction in order to be healed of whatever was preventing us from having a second baby. It was one step out of many, but a year later, I was standing there with my baby girl in my arms - proud as ever!

In other news, I'm still trying to make heads and tails of my nursing situation. I started to take Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle tinctures, 2mls. three times a day. This is usually used for an increase in milk supply, but can also help to increase milk flow - with the hope that Rayya would be happier nursing. She definately was happier, and back to sleeping through the night... for a few days. Now the Fenugreek has built up in our systems, and we are seeing the warned side effects. She is crazy gassy, and painfully so - and also having some fairly explosive, green poops. Great. So, now I'll go OFF the herbs, back to the slow flow, and see what happens next! Hopefully the herbs have picked up the supply a bit, and once I go off of them Rayya will just keep it up and keep happy. Argh.

We've begun to get into the swing of Christmas over here. We've had one family gathering, my brother is home from Calgary, and we had Christmas with Ryan's parents last night. It's been good, but busy. The kids seem to be handling the hustle and bustle fairly well. The year before last it was all a bit much for James, who seemed to suffer in the sleep department for it. This year he is just going with the flow, and Rayya kinda just tags along. As long as she sleeps here and there, she stays relatively happy.

This coming weekend we have back-to-back family gatherings in the city. I had offered for both gatherings to bring something, if needed. I was a little surprised when my bringing something turned into dessert for 36 people for one day, and 6 pies (2 each of 3 different kinds, pumpkin, apple, and lemon meringue) for the other! Whoa. Thank goodness for M&M Meats, who will happily make all of these desserts for me, and all I have to do is swipe my Mastercard - and voila! I am just SO not up for making all of this from scratch, and I can't make a good pie to save my life!

Saturday Sentences

James: "I can't wait to go to grandma's, and tell her that deer only eat green things, and not people."

Me: "That sounds good James, I'm sure grandma will be happy to hear that."

James: "Ya, and then I'll tell her that she makes the best Jello in the WHOLE WORLD!"

Picky Princess

So I finally got in to see my Dr. (it required me to call the secretary in tears after trying to get a screaming Rayya to latch on after 30 minutes). She checked us over very thoroughly, and assures me that we do not have thrush. She suggested some preventative therapy, just in case - but according to her, we do not have it. I am thankful! I've heard how difficult it can be to get rid of, and of course all the various treatment options had my head in a spin. I did try the boric acid treatment (1/2 tsp boric acid diluted in 1 cup boiled water, apply with cotton balls squeezed of excess liquid to nipples and baby's mouth before each feeding - in case you want to try it). It took care of some of my itchy nipple trouble - but made Rayya scream even moreso. However, we don't have thrush... apparently what we have is a picky princess.

Given my explanation of exactly what Rayya has been doing, my Dr. says it's a sure bet that she is reacting to a slow let-down. Because I started off with the OPPOSITE problem of a fast and forceful let-down, Rayya is simply displeased by the lack of immediate food. Can't say I blame her, but my goodness! She sure puts up a fuss! So, with luck she will just get used to it and start to nurse better again. On the other hand, she may just do this for the rest of the time that I choose to nurse her. Argh. I have already reached my 3 month goal, and hope now to get to 4 months. I think I can do one more month with no life... and of course get through the Christmas season with my picky princess as well. If you notice I've disappeared at various gatherings or events, I've likely gone to hide in a dark, quiet closet hoping to get my baby fed!

Happy 3 Months Rayya!

Struggles of the Milk Maid

Okay, not THAT kind of milk maid!
I was able to nurse James for about 2-1/2 months when he suddenly seemed to wean himself. He was unhappy at my breast, and would pop on and off and barely drink. By the time I finally just quit (without really consulting anyone for help), my milk supply was so low I didn't even experience any engorgement.

This time around I wanted my nursing experience to be different, and to last longer. I made sure I saw a lactation consultant in the hospital, and explained to her my previous experience. She showed me a few ways to nurse comfortably while lying down - as I had decided I would try co-sleeping with Rayya. I also decided ahead of time to "nurse through the pain", meaning that even when something wasn't going perfectly, I would still keep going. Well, eventually I had to put Rayya in her crib for night. She was sleeping decent stretches anyway, and I just wasn't able to sleep with her next to me.

Things seemed to be going smoothly in all regards. Rayya was a champion nurser - often finished in under 5 minutes, and sleeping well at night. I was so thrilled! Soon I started to notice that she was unhappy at my breast - this was a few weeks after my engorgement had subsided. I diagnosed the problem to be the very forceful let-down reflex I had - and after trying some new positions, she was back to nursing happily again. A few weeks after that, and my supply evened out and the forceful let-down seemed to decrease - or she just began handling it better. Again, she would fuss at the breast - and I noticed it was taking a little longer to have a let-down. I assumed she was unhappy with the fact that she now had to work for her meal, and figured she'd just get used to it.

From there, things have progressively gotten a little worse. Determined not to give it up, I've just been "nursing through the pain". Rayya began to cry when nursing on my right side - which up until then had been her favourite side. I would trick her by putting her soother in, and then quickly pull it out and replace it with the breast. She would pop on and off frequently, and I would have to somewhat manually stimulate the breast to have a let-down (TMI?). Once let-down happens, she nurses happily for a few minutes, and then I have to use compressions to keep her on a while longer. The fussing has grown worse, but I've kept going - using my "trick" technique at each feed on that side. This is particularly difficult if we go out, and I don't feel completely comfortable. Then it's virtually impossible to achieve a let-down, and it's embarassing when she is crying and constantly on-and-off the breast.

I don't claim to love nursing - but I WANTED to love nursing. I wanted to go for three months, and I've done that. Now I want to go longer. The supply is there. The ability is there. The desire is there. But at every turn, it feels that there is something stopping me from achieving my next goal of 4 months. I'm frustrated.

On the bright side, Rayya is happy, content, and thriving. There's no doubt that she is getting enough nutrition, and that is the main thing. However, this week she started fussing at the left breast as well. Thankfully I already knew how to trick her - so I am now using the soother trick at all feedings. In the night and early mornings I don't always have to use it when she's groggy. Then she just seems to be unconscious to the problem. During the day though we have to fight it out each time.

I had suspected thrush for some time now, but at a Dr.'s appointment a couple of weeks ago I had her checked and the Dr. said she had no signs of it. Today I am convinced it is thrush, though we don't have all the typical signs, we do have these:

• my nipples are itchy and sore (still TMI?)

• at times I feel a "pins and needles" sensation in my breasts

• Rayya has a slight whitish tinge to her mouth

• the obvious discomfort she has only when nursing

So, now I am trying to figure out the quickest way to get this fixed so that I don't have to end my milkmaid career. I SO do not want to quit yet. In fact, dare I say it... I think I am growing to love nursing. I want to continue. The directions I'm reading online to cure thrush looks daunting though - and with an unconfirmed success rate at that! Everything from creams, ointments, medications, oils, powders, herbs, purple dyes... you name it, and it seems like almost everything and anything COULD be a cure, but nothing IS the cure. I was sharing this frustration with a mom of four today at church. Her tried and tested recommendation is boric acid. I looked it up online to see how to use it, and found that it's used in rat poison. See, anything really CAN be a cure!

Clutter Spots

The floor of our room, and the trunk at the end of our bed. (Note: pile of maternity clothes on floor needing storage space, empty bags needing storage space on door handle, box on top of hamper needing storage space, and all my clothes on the trunk at the end of the bed needing a drawer, or closet, or... SPACE!)

In front of the unused front entrance door. (Note: if there was such thing as a hall closet in this house, these things could be hidden there - but there is no such closet.)

On the trunk in the front entrance way. (Note: sufficient cupboard/office/desk space would take care of this - plus the previously mentioned hall closet.)

On James' "little table". (Note: perhaps a playroom, with shelves and compartments for all his art stuff would take care of this.)

And the most notorious clutter spot, on top of the dishwasher. (Note: this is just us being lazy.)

I hate that there are these clutter spots in our house. I have cleaned them up time and time again only to have them reappear the very next day. I just don't know where to put all this... stuff! Mail, bills, James' pictures, pens, pads of paper, keys, purses, diaper bags, etc. All these things lack a spot in our house - and I blame this on the lack of cupboards and closets. Our old fashioned house just isn't built for convenient storage. I am actually quite a "neat freak" in my own right, but try not to get too hung up on it. However, there are days when these clutter spots start to get to me, and I wonder how I've let my home come to this! I really don't know how to de-clutter these areas, because there is NO other place to put this stuff. I find it frustrating. Do you have any clutter spots?

Wow

So I have been working on this new blog template, and couldn't help but notice that we've had...
• 2 children
• 3 miscarriages
• 4 angel babies
• 5 pregnancies
• 6 children altogether

Dare to Compare

James
Rayya

More of Rayya

The photographer (Kristel Bueckert) who used Rayya as a model back in September posted a few more pics... I couldn't resist, I had to share! They are so beautiful! The photos of her with the flower and the pink hat were for the modelling job.

My Big Little Boy

I just can't believe that it's been three years since this memorable post! What a wonderful three years it has been having James in our lives. He is such a huge blessing, and I can say with all honesty that I have very rarely taken him for granted. He is such a precious child. He continues to delight us with his fanciful vocabulary, and hilarious comments. He loves his little sister very much, and can often be seen inches from her face, telling her how cute she is! I feel so incredibly blessed to call James my son. I am so proud of him, and I love how gentle he is. Three years really does go by fast. Wow. We love you James, happy birthday!

Updates

James: Oh what to say about James! My nearly-three-year-old (turning three next Saturday) is best described as busy, adventurous, talkative, acrobatic, dramatic, brilliant... this list could go on and on. James' has definately settled down since his little sister arrived, and for that I am so thankful. I feel that I have my old James back, with a few new added features. Like, attitude, for example. His very extensive vocabularly and imagination cause for a lot of laughter, but also contributes to his growing sense of self. The other day he was scolded for something, for which his reply was to cross his arms tight across his chest, slump his head down and said, "Mom, I'm fwustwated". Needless to say, this could have been something he got from me - minus the folded arms and growly face. He never really had terrible twos, so it's no surprise that some of those antics are being seen now. However, he remains the comedian of the household, and his constant hilarious comments keep us rolling. Some recent ones:

• I came downstairs to get him for his nap, and before I said anything, James got up stretched out his arms, and did a big fake yawn. Then he said, "I'm tiring out mom. Is it naptime?".

• I lightly swatted James on his bum for playing with a blind that he knew not to touch. His response was, "Thanks mom, that was a nice spank. It wasn't too hard". Uh-huh.

• He dressed up in a blanket and then came to announce, "Look, I'm a fabulous mermaid!".

• I asked James to go tell his daddy that the cell phone was vibrating. James went to the top of the stairs and yelled, "Daddy, your phone is migrating!".

• While outside playing, James saw some numbers (the year 1987) written in the cement behind our house. When he asked who put them there, I told him I didn't know, to which he said, "I know! It's a mystery! We have to solve the mystery!".

He still spends much of his time in front of the TV these days. However, the weather has been so beautiful that anytime Rayya naps in the mornings we try to get outside. James also has many "glasses buddies", and has no issues wearing his glasses all day now. They are super cute on him, and I'm so glad he's happy keeping them on! We are also slowly attempting to potty train. I'm taking an extremely relaxed approach to it, as he doesn't have much interest, and I'm still pretty busy with Rayya. We're picking up a coin-operated M & M machine though, and I plan to reward jobs on the potty with coins to use in the machine. They had one at the optometrist's office, and James did anything they asked if he knew he could get a coin for the machine. We're trying the same thing with a gingerbread house - he can't eat any unless he uses the potty. I think he likes to tell people about it, but has no interest in actually trying to win a treat. I can't get enough of James' beautiful personality, and gentle spirit. He loves to cuddle, hug and kiss, and tell us that we are loved.

Rayya: As James would say, "Oh Rayya, Rayya, Rayya!". She is a very loved little girl, especially by her big brother. Every time he giggles she will light up with a smile. Rayya is wonderful. What can I say?! Besides being a miracle, she has also blessed us with her easy-going demeanor, and decent sleep habits. She has slept several nights "through the night", and on the nights that she wakes up it is generally only once and maybe twice for quick feeds. She sometimes takes some time to fall back to sleep, as she likes her soother a lot but tends to lose it. Usually after a few trips back to her room to get her soother back in, she will eventually spit it out and stay asleep. She is nursing every two-three hours, though usually two hours nearly to the minute. She is now a much happier baby than she was a month ago, and is very happy when she's awake. She'll often greet me in the mornings with a big baby smile, which totally melts my heart. She is happy to tag along outside in her carseat, or go for stroller rides. She's not as big a fan of car rides though. Rayya is working on holding up her head, and trying desperately to "talk". With James coaching her, she will be talking non-stop in no time! Life with a baby is starting to feel a lot more normal. I still think the best advice came from my sister-in-law who told me from 0-3 months to expect no life, no time, no rest, no energy. Then from 3-6 months you can start to expect to get out more, and expect more consistency to life. From 6 months and on life will just continue to get more and more normal. Right now getting out, like to the store and post office, still feels a bit overwhelming. A trip to Winnipeg to shop is definately out of the question if daddy can't come along. But all in all, life at home feels good. I am so much more relaxed with this baby, and I don't have the awful post partum depression! The only reason for my lack of posts is that I'm busy, and if I do get the time to lay down I do it - without allowing myself to feel guilty! I'm hoping that Rayya's baby dedication will be soon. My mom and aunt are throwing a shower for her this Sunday, which should be fun. I also can't wait to shop for some girl stuff for Christmas!

Me: Life for me is going pretty well. I'm so incredibly happy, even in the midst of the days that feel rather chaotic. Inside, I'm always smiling. I do feel like being a mom is exactly what God wanted me to be. Some days I feel like I don't do Him justice for all that He's given me. I keep trying to make Him a part of our daily lives - and yet I fail at this more often than I accomplish it. I am enjoying having a baby so much more than I did with James, and that makes me happy. Now that we've sort of come out of the newborn stage I can say that. Somedays I get irritated when I feel like ALL I've done is make food, nurse a baby, change diapers, kiss a wounded toddler, walk around the house with a crying baby, make more food, nurse some more, put movies on TV, wiped up messes, and in general - looked after everyone's needs but my own. And then I realize that doing these things is EXACTLY what I love doing! I'm so glad I can take care of my three wonderful family members. It bring me so much joy! Yes, a break every now and then would be great - but for now, a candlelit bubble bath every now and then will do the trick. Photo: This is where Rayya hangs out while I make supper!