Emotions

Today brings with it a barage of different emotions. First of all, today was the due date of the baby we lost in January. It was never clear whether it had actually been a twin pregnancy, but I suspect that it was - so I try to imagine what today would have been like if I had been holding a baby in each arm.

But the emotions of today don't stop there. Today was also the day that I was going to blog about our new baby. We've been expecting since June, and it's been so hard for me to keep it a secret until now! I couldn't wait to blog about it, because I knew that a few other bloggers had also recently posted pregnancy announcements. However, my dream of the pregnancy announcement will have to wait.

Last week I started to have some signs that things were not going well. I felt optimistic though, because I've had very strong pregnancy symptoms throughout this pregnancy - even right now! On Friday I had Ryan take me into the hospital to get checked, because I just wanted peace of mind. The Dr. ordered an ultrasound, which was scheduled for today at 1:45pm.

I actually thought we would be getting good news today, and that we would get to see our little baby at 10 weeks pregnant. The news was not good though. This time there was actually no baby present, just an empty womb at the right size for 10 weeks. But no baby.

My heart is hurting, as I'm sure you can imagine. All prayers are welcome as I go in tomorrow morning for a D & C. I know God knows what is going on... but this is hard.

For those few weeks--
I had you to myself
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks--
I came to know you
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Poem Copyright 1984 by Susan Erling Martinez