A Bit More Detail

Alright, so now that I've relaxed some I can tell you how things went today. First off, I knew that I had an army praying for me. A STRONG army, and it gave me so much hope that I found the strength last night to plead my case to Christ. In the morning my hope had been renewed, and I BELIEVED I could see a miracle happen. I told my hubby that I was going in with "my guns a blazin'"! There was a particular tech that I didn't want to have (again), but that was the only prayer NOT answered. I had the same old technician - but we didn't have to be in the "room of gloom". We were in a different room than I had been in before. He was nicer than usual, and more talkative which really helped me to relax. He didn't say much, but eventually he asked if my husband would want to come in and see. I said "yes"! When he left to get Ryan he told me that everything looked fine. When he came back he showed the baby to us. Heart was beating, and it had little arms and legs, and even turned to look at us! It wiggled around a lot! It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I kept this page of verses with me during the ultrasound, and they really encouraged me. Thanks to everyone who shared special verses and songs with me. I listened and read ALL of them.

When I got home, my DOPPLER had arrived! I didn't win the one from Ebay though. I found a Canadian company online called "Dopplers to Diapers" who rent out hospital quality dopplers! They sent it to me within two days! I tried it out this afternoon, and guess what?! I heard a nice strong heartbeat right away! From my count it was 168 beats per minute. I have it for a month (or longer if I choose). I think this thing will be my new best buddy.

As far as baby goes, there are still lots of questions. Why the signs of trouble (which haven't totally gone away)? Why the dropping hormone level? I really hope that these are just little hiccups, and that we have nothing further to worry about. The stats of losing a baby after 11 weeks are pretty tiny. Keep us in your prayers!

Oh, and I finally snapped a belly picture this afternoon (as seen above)! I love how the sun is washing over the photo. Just God's love pouring out on us.

BABY IS FINE

I can hardly type, my fingers are shaking! Our baby is TOTALLY, completely, 100% fine right now. It had little arms and legs showing now, and was moving around, and turned it's head and looked at us. There is no sign of any problems. What is going on? I don't know, but I'm thinking miracle. It has to be a miracle. It just HAS to be! I have so much more to say, but I have a million emails and calls to make. PRAISE GOD, JUST PRAISE GOD EVERYONE! Put on some music and jump for joy to HIM today - for me, and for us! Hugs to you all! It's a good day. Oh, and of course I wasn't thinking about getting photos again, so I didn't get any. But I'll try to find some that look about right.

Waiting

Well, today wasn't the best day. I woke up in the morning with signs of trouble with the pregnancy. I called my OB and she sent me for an HCG Beta test. While I was at the hospital, the signs of a problem got worse, so I went into emergency to see a Dr. He confirmed that my uterus was measuring right for 11 weeks, and my cervix is closed - but these things have always happened with my other miscarriages too. He did schedule me for an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 10:45am. This feels like the story of my life... back to that same horrible ultrasound room... the room of gloom. Later when we got home the OB office called with the results of the beta test. My levels are dropping, which is not good. They should be doubling. So, it is with a huge sadness in my heart that we prepare for the worst tomorrow. Admittedly, I've lost hope for a miracle. I wish I could, but the hope is gone. I was sitting here staring at the phone, wondering who to call. Who can help me? And then I realized, God doesn't have a phone number. He is the only One who can help. He is the only one who can heal. But He doesn't have a phone, and I can't call Him. So, now we wait...

New Hiding Spot

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Fight the Fear

I am actually not totally surprised that some fears about my pregnancy have started to creep back in this week. I don't know that pregnancy will ever be the same for me again after this past year of pain and disappointment. The ultrasound definately helped to calm my nerves, and take away some of my anxiety - but it seems to want to come back now. My obstetrician had told me I could go off the progesterone if the ultrasound came back with positive results. I was too scared to go off of it right away, so I kept taking it for another full week. Even though the latest that I ever lost a baby was at 8 weeks, which was my first miscarriage, I could not be completely guaranteed that the baby would make it even though it was seen at 9.5 weeks. Yesterday was my first day not taking the progesterone, with my plan being to take it every-other day now until 12 weeks, which seems to be the normal time to go off of it. Nothing major happened, but it seemed like some of my regular pregnancy "bodily functions" changed a little bit. I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'm trying not to worry. Perhaps I will try to go to the public health nurse on Monday, and see if she can find the heartbeat. I've actually put a bid on a fetal doppler on Ebay, because I think I will need it for reassurance throughout this pregnancy! I hope I win it! If you think to pray for me, I would really appreciate it. I just need strength to get through these last few weeks and into the 2nd trimester. No guarantees that it will solve all my fear issues, but at least I know that most of the "stats" would be on my side at that point. For the sake of interest, after a Google search, one study showed that the chance of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat at 9 weeks was less than 0.7%. You'd think that would be enough to give me some peace!

I Love My Tub

Yes, this is me in the bathtub. Too graphic? So sorry. But I just had to talk about how much I have been LOVIN' my tub! I don't know that there are many other things that can end my day better than sneaking up to the bathtub after James goes down for the night. I light up my vanilla candle, pour in some yummy bubble bath, stick on my blow-up backrest, and just sink into the warm water. The worries and stress of the day just melt into the suds. Sometimes I'll open my eyes, not even knowing that I had closed them, and have no idea how much time has actually passed. The aches and pains I've had lately also seem to soak right into the water, and I feel so much better when I crawl into bed. No, I couldn't take baths to replace the daily shower. Baths are simply for moments like this, when you have nothing else to do, and you just want to unwind. Ahhhhhhh... I just love a good tub!

Hoarder

I have a problem, and I need to admit it. I think I'm a hoarder. Or, a compulsize shopper. Or, a grocery pack-rat. Whatever the actual problem is, I need to get it under control. I find myself overwhelmed by how much grocery items I have on hand - and yet I feel that I so rarely actually get around to using them up. When I go shopping, I'll stock up on sale items, and then come home to find that I still have many of these items already. I also just feel like I have too much! I don't think I even really use half of it. I like having certain things on hand, just in case. I also have a sort of "collection" of some things, like spices. I love spices! However, I don't use hardly any of the unusual ones because James would never eat them (too spicy, or whatever). We also seem to have multiples of a lot of things. For example, several different kinds of hot sauces, cereals, crackers, chips and other snacks. I open my cupboards to a huge, unorganized, unused mess. What do I do? When I go through it, I find that most things are still good, or I feel I'll use it up "eventually", so I end up keeping most of it. I believe there is a can of hot chocolate powder from the early 90's in the back of the pantry. I also feel it would be a huge waste to just throw away the stuff I didn't think we'd use - but I can't get myself to throw much of it out. I feel it WILL get used, and thus, the problem. I don't know what to do about all this food. Our house isn't built for big-time food storage. At least I know that we would never starve if we got stormed in or something like that. The meals would be interesting, but there certainly wouldn't be a lack of food.

PRAISE

It is with GREAT joy, and a THANKFUL and HUMBLE heart, that I announce to you the wonderful news that this morning we got to see a healthy baby with a heartbeat!!! There does not appear to be any complications, and baby measures an exact 9 weeks 2 days - which was what we had thought. Our dear baby is very likely to survive at this point, and will be due on September 15th. All I can say is THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! Not just to my gracious Father in Heaven, but also to all of you. I know you have prayed, and I know you will continue to do so. THANK YOU so much for supporting us. Today is the best day I've had in over a year! The photo is not of our baby - we couldn't get pictures - but he/she looked just like this.

Day-Brighteners

I had to get myself out of this morning's little funk, so I took some initiative to get myself busy. First, I made a few phone calls to people I could cry with, and that felt much better. I also got a few fantastic emails from friends who are praying for me. Then I set up a lunch date with my dad and my brother - two people who I always have great conversations with, and who always have a nice way of NOT talking about my problems, and getting me to thinking about other things (like a new park across the river from our house). I then took home a piece of Skor cheesecake so that I could munch on it while I typed this new post. I'm sure the sugar and caffeine from the 3 glasses of homemade iced tea I drank are also helping boost my mood. My day was brightened even moreso when I stopped at the Post Office, and had the great surprise of a PARCEL PICK-UP notice in my box! Woohoo! I LOVE parcel pick-up notices! It was an order of books that I had made on Amazon. I can barely put down these two books, they are amazing! Here's my report:

I was watching a rare moment of Oprah a few weeks back. She had Dr. Oz on, as well as a guy named David Zinczenko. They were discussing child obesity. I have lately been inspired to make better meals for James, because he is living in a generation that seems to be losing the weight battle - and I don't want to see him suffer. However, I'm the kind of person that can't just be told "don't give your kids Kraft Dinner, it has a million calories". I need someone to say, "instead of giving your kids Kraft Dinner, rather give them canned tomato pasta, like Spaghetti O's". I like alternative options - and specific examples. This particular show was dedicated to doing just that. They even had a quiz, listing two different menu items from different common restaurants and getting the audience to pick the one they thought was healthiest. They got almost all of them wrong! I was really intrigued, and decided to look into getting Zinczenko's books. One is called "Eat This Not That: The Ultimate Guide to What to Eat When", and the other is "Eat This Not That! For Kids". These books are AWESOME! I'm now really inspired to make better choices, and I love that it covers everything from homemade foods to fast foods, canned goods, to frozen entrees. The books also feature full colour pictures of almost all the items they talk about. I think it will be a really great investment of a mere $16.02 per book (a friend of mine also ordered one, so we got free shipping). I would highly recommend these books! The one for kids also gives some great school lunch options that I would have never thought about - I can't wait to refer to it when I start making lunches for James.

Emotions

My emotions are on a constant rollercoaster. Some of it might be due to hormones, but I feel like I am in a constant, and extremely tiring, battle with fear. Most days I just try to keep busy, but it's hard to keep busy when I'm feeling exhausted. I don't sleep well, because when I try to rest my mind it seems to want to immediately fall into dark places. I've been worried that I might be teetering on the edge of some kind of breakdown - emotional, mental, I don't know. I feel horribly weak, both spiritually and physically. I do have moments of great happiness, but they are always quickly followed by feelings of despair. I'll find myself daydreaming about holding a new baby in my arms, and then *snap*! Suddenly I find myself thinking about being in that ultrasound room, going in with optimism and then being stabbed in the heart with the news that the baby didn't make it. The truth is, I have a lot of optimism about this pregnancy, and it is scaring the living daylights out of me to be so sure. I've been praying for a fortress to be built surrounding my thought life. I'll find myself getting excited, making plans for the future, and thinking about baby names... and then I get terrified, because what if the reality is that there is, once again, no living baby? Can I handle that blow for a third time in a row? I'm so certain that this baby is going to be our arms, but then, wasn't I so certain last time? And the time before that? Last time I believed the voice that told me the baby was going to be fine, which voice is the truth this time? Oh Lord, please have mercy on me.

So Thankful

Thank You, Lord, for letting me experience the beauty of pregnancy and birth.
Thank You for the little mittens that sit on the ledge in the entrance.

Thank You for the tiny boots that sit next to mine in puddles of muddy water.

Thank You for the mini toothbrush left behind on the sink, with crusty toothpaste stuck in the bristles.

Thank You for every dirty diaper I've had the privilege to change.

Thank You for letting me wrap a baby up tight, nurse him, and rock him to sleep.

Thank You that I get to put that little one to bed every night, say prayers with him, and kiss him good night.

Thank You that our home is decorated in every corner with little toys.

Thank You for the messy spots on my windows.

Thank You that I get to fold tiny socks in my laundry.

Thank You that I get to vaccuum up salt & vinegar chips that became breakfast.

Thank You so much Lord, for letting me have James.

Amen.

Praises!

This morning a friend called, and reminded me to be thankful for my blessings. I appreciated the reminder, and started off this morning by just being thankful. Sometimes I think I would want my life to be different, and yet when I really ponder what it is I would change... I can't think of anything! Mostly I just wish I could be a better person, and that my thought life would be more positive and God-centered.
I had more to be thankful for later in the morning when I had to run to the bathroom to puke. I have never puked in any of my miscarried pregnancies. Being bent over the toilet to me is a blessing - a sign that my body is doing what it is supposed to do. I was also thankful that I had felt the on-coming upchuck, and cleaned the toilet earlier that morning. It smelled like bleach.
Then, I was blessed again by another phone call. This one was from my Dr.'s office, calling to tell me that I am booked for an early ultrasound in a few weeks! Praise God! I had been feeling a lot of pressure to go to the Babymoon ultrasound for a sneak peak - but something inside was saying, "Just wait, be patient, TRUST in ME". So everytime I would start to get paranoid and think about when I could go to Babymoon, I tried to just tell myself that God wanted me to trust Him. So now I can look forward to seeing my baby in a few weeks, and getting some peace of mind before I have to stop taking the progesterone. You can't imagine how thankful I am for all of your prayers. I know you have all been praying that I'll have peace, and now I know that I will get a little bit more peace in a few weeks.
It never ceases to amaze me that God always comes through. Sure, it's easy to say that when things are going good - but it reminds me that He truly does want the best for me.