Sleep & Stuff

After my last sleep-related post both the kids came down with a super awful cold. They were both congested, sneezing, coughing, fever... it was not fun. At least I could give James cough medicine! Rayya on the other hand really just had to suffer through it, with about a hundred nose wipes a day (one day she sneezed, which resulted in both nostrils blowing huge shnot bubbles, both of which burst at the same time, and completely slimed her face with shnot). I also made good use of the nasal aspirator, Vaporub, the vaporiser, and saline nose spray. It was one crazy week, but we made it through. And during that whole week, Rayya slept through the night almost perfectly - 7pm to 7am. And then she got better...
The nights haven't been too bad, except last night Rayya was up (and HAPPY as a clam) from 1:00am until almost 4:00am! This isn't horrible I guess... but I almost wish she'd cry. If she would cry, then I could let her cry it out until she got tired and went back to sleep. When she's happy, I can leave her be, but her happy noises keep me up! Then she just continues to get more and more wired until I finally have to go in and help her fall asleep, or at least go in 5-10 times to reinsert her soother to get her to calm down and fall asleep again. This is not a great trend, so I hope she's nearly done with the late night crib parties.
So, we continue to work through the sleep issues. I just don't know exactly what to do... because she isn't waking up unhappy in the night. She isn't getting any bottles all night. She just simply is waking up... so then what?

Bringing Back the Pain

When those near to me hurt, I hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually feeling their true pain - if God has given me some kind of gift to literally and physically carry other's burdens. One burden I know all too well is the burden and heartache of losing a baby. A baby that was wanted, loved from the moment it was conceived, longed for, worked for, dreamed of... it hurts so much to walk again through those memories. When I hear my friends spilling their hearts about their feelings during a miscarriage - it all comes flooding back. The bitter, angry, sad, tired tears that I cried. Wondering where God was in it all, and the primary question of "why? why? why?". Why my babies? Why my friend's babies? Why? Beautiful mothers, good mothers, Christ-fearing mothers (and fathers too)... why can't they have the babies their heart's so desire? Why the giving and then taking away? For what purpose?

In the last few months I've had three of my closest friends lose babies. It feels so unfair. I would have done anything to have been able to protect them from that pain... and now all of them are walking in it. And you know what? It doesn't matter how many miscarriages I've had, or how much I can relate to how they feel, I still feel inadequate. I still don't know what to say or do - because nothing can change what's happened. I know all the things to NOT say, which is great. But there really are no words that can make it better. Even the peace in knowing that those babies are happy, healthy and whole living in Heaven doesn't take the earthly pain away. Not right away.

My heart is heavily burdened today. My heart aches. And for all the many more of you who know the pain I'm talking about... I'm so sorry. Today I'm carrying with me just a little bit of that pain for all of you. I'm praying for you, and I am sending out a hug to each of you.

Sleep Experiment - Nights Six & Seven

Are you bored of these posts yet? Well, one of you out there must have prayed for us, because the last two nights have been much better. James is still super sick, and now Rayya is coughing and has a fever too. Thankfully, the fits of coughing through the night don't seem to be keeping them awake - and perhaps being sick is helping them sleep. I've only had to get up for Rayya once a night for the last two nights, and not at all for James. I have been doing the Vaporub on the feet thing for him, and tonight I did it on Rayya. They both napped pretty good today too, so if we can get through this virus (I took them to the Dr. today and she said it seems to just be a virus) in one piece, maybe some of the sleep issues will also be resolved. One can only hope.
Don't miss the post below about my latest fall, and the resulting bruise...

Evolution of a Bruise

Copying my friend Nicole's post about her bruise (don't miss the latest post about it here), I decided I'd share mine with you - because it's a beauty! This lovely bruise was the result of me taking a tumble off our neighbours' trampoline. Well, not so much the trampoline as their wobbly, fixed-yet-crooked step stool to get on and off the trampoline. I was coming off the trampoline onto the step stool, and suddenly I lost all control of balance and grace. I fell onto the stool which fell onto it's side, and planted my butt firmly into the ground. My tailbone also does not feel good. Anyway, I didn't really think too much of it after my initial inspection, but the next day it looked like this... (please try your best to shield your eyes against the pastey whiteness)

Then day 3 after the fall (almost X-rated)...

And then day four...

Sleep Experiment - Night Five

Isn't it fun to have a glimpse into someone else's nighttime catastrophies? Not because you take joy in my suffering, but because it makes you feel normal for all the times that you have felt like something about your life totally sucks. Yes? Well, as I sit here eating slices of pepperoni leftover from pizza night on Saturday, I find myself hoping that someone out there reading this is nodding their head in understanding. Last night was horrible.

I don't know what happened - last night was supposed to be the 'good' night. Alas, it did not happen that way. First of all, James is horribly sick. He has a fever, major nasal congestion, a runny nose that is constantly smeared all over his face and sleeves, and one of the worst coughs he has ever had. The cough sounds horrible - and it's nearly constant. I feel horrible for him. His eyes are watery and bloodshot from coughing so much. The last two days I've had him maxed out on his cough medication intake. Poor guy. He coughed through nearly the whole night last night, and that is my only guess for why Rayya was up so much. Twelve times. I got up for her twelve times. Twelve. Out of bed, into bed, out of bed, into bed, out of bed... and one time I was up for James, who had a coughing fit around 1:00am, which was exactly the hour for which I could give him another dose of cough syrup.

I do know that Rayya's gums look really swollen, and she isn't interested in her bottle much, which are two indicators that she may also be expecting some new teeth soon. She also bit me on the arm today - HARD - so that is likely a sign too! I also totally got James decked out for a good sleep, so hopefully that will help us to ALL sleep better tonight. He got some cough meds right before bed, Vaporub all over his chest, neck and back, and a vaporiser running in his room. I'm just praying he gets over this awful cold soon - it's breaking my heart to see him so unhappy!

Anyway, Rayya didn't need anything but soother reinsertions all night - but that still totally blows. Of course, she was up around 6:45am - and though she was quiet after I put her soother in one last time, I have no idea if she ever went back to sleep. She then had a too-short morning nap, and a too-short afternoon nap - so perhaps she will sleep soundly tonight. God knows I need to sleep to look after a fussy, teething baby and a very sick toddler!

On the bright side, while James took an extended afternoon nap, Rayya got decked out in new summer clothes and we hung out in the warm afternoon sun together. She ate a lot of grass.

Sleep Experiment - Nights Three & Four

The same trend has continued - one night on, one night off. On Friday Rayya remained on the new "schedule", and into bed by 7:00pm. It was a pretty good night, with only one or two wake-ups for the soother - I can't remember. Then last night was a bomb again, with a lot of waking up. At least I can be assured that tonight will likely be fairly decent. I don't really get this trend of good night / bad night. Nothing has changed, nothing is different... it just seems she can't have a good night two nights in a row! The more scheduled routine is nice though, and fits in nicely with giving her three meals a day - have I mentioned how she loves solids? So, we'll keep trying. The next step will be to just let her cry it out, and now that I have a sick kid I think I'll wait at least until he's better so that his sleep isn't interrupted. I'll let you know when I head into that little adventure... I think this girl is a little stronger-willed than her elder brother, and has a good set of lungs on her as well.

Sleep Experiment - Night Two

Yuck. That is how I will describe last night. Yuck. It was our worst night ever - since Rayya's birth, no lie. I don't know what happened. She followed along on the new routine nicely all day. Morning nap from 9:00am-10:30am, afternoon nap from 1:00am-3:00pm (though she woke up sporadically throughout), and then to bed around 7:00pm. She needed a little help to fall asleep, but that isn't unheard of (she just needs me to hold her hand). She was then out solid until about 1:00am, and then the fun began!

At 1:00am she just needed a soother reinsertion - okay, no big deal, we were actually still (sort of) awake. Then at 3:00am she woke up, and after that everything is a blur. She was happy and cooing, and I went in about 10 times to put her soother in. Eventually she got onto her belly and was all over the crib and then started crying. I went in two or three times to put her back onto her back, reinsert the soother, and walked out. Eventually she would start up crying again, so I just let her cry for awhile... felt like an hour, but I know it was only about 10 minutes. I was ticked, and I rather gruffly put her onto her back and said sternly "quiet NOW!". And she actually was (it was about 4:30am). I did now want to cave in and give her a bottle - though I knew that would have konked her out for the night. Of course, in true style of my children, she didn't make up for one second of lost sleep and was up bright-eyed and curly-tailed at 7:15am. Yuck.

She fought her morning nap too - so maybe it's not about the sleep. Let's see... what baby thing can I blame? Learning something new (sitting up), teething, over-tired, new introduction of food (mango), constipation? Who the "h" knows?! All I know is that this is one tired mommy. I can ONLY assume tonight will be better.

These are the parts of being a mom that I don't love. I don't like all the guessing, testing, trying, and changing. I seem to level out and really start to love being a mom around the one year mark - which is fast approaching with Rayya, so there is light at the end of the tunnel! I fully admit, I don't love the baby stage for that reason - too many variables. It just doesn't jive with my personality. But that's okay. I've learned that there are others who share this feeling of frustration with babies... including a few "older generation" friends, who have been very encouraging! They tell me that they often found that their friends would complain that they wanted to have babies back in the house, and they were thrilled to finally be enjoying their children once they were older. I totally feel that! I LOVE and ADORE my babies... but I do look forward to them being older.

Like right now, I absolutely can't get enough of my three year-old. Yes, three year-olds have some difficult aspects to them, but the talking and conversations just can't be beat! He's dependent, and independent. He's little, but big. He can walk on his own, but I can still hold him. He can tell me what he needs, what hurts, what he wants for lunch, where his favourite toy is, and can even play outside alone (as long as he stays in the sandbox where I can see him out the window). He sleeps through the night!!! I LOVE, love, LOVE this age! I could push pause on 2-3 years-old easily, and be happy.

Sleep Experiment - Night One

Last night I decided I would try the suggestions of a few blogger friends, and put Rayya down to bed earlier. I tell you, there is a phenomena with my children. If I have a plan to start them on a new routine they automatically do it on their own. I'm serious! She woke up yesterday morning at 7:30am (I didn't give her a bottle all night, and I've been trying to wean her off the early morning bottles for a few nights now). She was cranky and tired at 9:00am, so I put her down for a nap. She slept until about 10:45am. I put her down for her afternoon nap at 1:00pm, and though she had two soother-reinsertion wake-ups, she napped until 3:30pm. I then put her to bed about 45 minutes earlier than usual - at 7:15pm, versus 8:00pm. She was super cranky anyway, and she fell asleep no problem. Putting her to bed that early meant she didn't get her last bottle of the day, so I was not sure what to expect for her night. She slept solid until 3:00am, when she woke up and wanted her soother. She woke up again at around 6:00am, and again I just gave her the soother. She slept until 6:45am, when she got woken up by James (who was up super early), but when I put her soother in she closed her eyes and went back to sleep until 7:30am.

That's not a major improvement, because she still woke up for her soother - and I don't know what to do about those soother wake-ups. James was long done with the soother at night at this age. Rayya doesn't need it for anything but sleeping - but she doesn't even need it to fall asleep - she just seems to need it to STAY asleep.

However, it was a nice long sleep for her, and the routine was good. Today she seems to be following along perfectly. Awake at 7:30am, now down for a nap around 9:30am, and hopefully I'll be able to get her into bed a little earlier today - I'm going to try 7:00pm.

One Night On, One Night Off

Honestly, I could go in my backyard and scream right now. The words would likely be four-lettered, and unpleasant. The phrase "roll with the punches" keeps coming to my mind, but right now I say screw that!
I like consistency. I like knowing when something is going to happen, and when. I guess I'm not keen on spontaneity - at least when it comes to my kids, and sleeping. I like a basic schedule, a regular routine naptime, and a good night's sleep - for everyone.
The last 7 months have been okay as far as sleeping I guess - if you are okay with being up 3-5 times a night. These wake-ups are short, and don't require a lot of time or work, which makes it easy to pass it off as a "good night". But they are not good nights, and doing that kind of wake-up-back-to-bed routine has taken it's toll. My interrupted sleep is not good sleep at all. Have you read about the recent studies done on sleep? If you do a CT scan on the brain of a sleep-deprived person, even if it's only an hour or two, the brain patterns resemble those of a person with psychosis. I FEEL like I'm going psycho!
So this past week Rayya has been up to something a little different. Now, with the introduction of more solids, she seems to be sleeping better. However, a better night for her means that the following days' schedule of napping get screwed, and therefore her next night is bad. Today we're on the screwed up nap schedule, which means tonight will be rough. What she does is this:
• Goes to bed for the night at 8:00pm, usually without a peep.
• On a good night there will be no wake-ups, or at most one, just to put in a soother.
• She'll sleep until 5:00am, have a bottle and go back to sleep, or on a really good night, sleep through until 8:00am or so.
• If she has a good night, she will fight her morning nap usually until I give in and keep her up. If she has a bad night, she will take about an hour long nap in the morning, about 9:00am-10:00am.
• If she skips morning nap, she will fall asleep with her midday bottle, at 12:30, which is too early.
• Then she will wake up before 3:00pm, and not go back to sleep.
• If she naps well in the afternoon (two or three hours), and wakes up around 4:00pm, she will be fine until bedtime and have a good night.
• If she doesn't have a good afternoon nap, like today, she will be exhausted by 6:00pm, but that is too late for a nap, and too early for bed. Screwed! The night ahead will either be effected by a too-late nap, or an overtired baby.
I hate this routine. I've thought about letting her cry it out, but this too comes with complications. When Rayya wakes up at night, she isn't crying. She's happy. If I let her be, she just simply coos and talks to herself until she's all wide awake and hyper - and THEN I might have to try to work to put her back to sleep. It would be easier if she would cry! I can't sleep when she's babbling to herself. And you know how everything in the house seems doubly loud at night when all else is quiet? Well, so does her talking, and squealing. So it keeps me up, and potentially could wake up all the other sleepers.
All this waking and wondering and guessing and working has me right ticked. I want sleep at night, so that I have energy to look after everyone, cook a couple of meals, and not lose my patience and my mind. I can definately tell that the sporadic behaviour of little miss Rayya is making me extremely anxious. She is happy, and for that I am SO thankful - but eventually her happiness still masks sleepiness, and she needs to get that sleep. How do you fix the miss-match of a non-routine child with a thrives-on-routine mother?

UPDATE: After getting mad and causing Rayya to cry (because I wouldn't take her out of her crib, and said in a firm voice "no, it's sleeping time"), she has finally fallen to sleep again. I snuck in there to watch her, and immediately I feel guilty, and horrible for making her cry. I just pray that I can raise her to be a Godly woman, with tonnes more patience and endurance than me. I want her to love her kids more than anything, and I want her to know love and know that she is loved more than anything. All the anger melts away when I look at that little person, innocently sleeping, knowing nothing more than her mommy will be there to get her when she wakes up. Why do I get so stressed about this sleep thing? I just want to enjoy every moment, and love every moment, but I get caught up in the frustrations of the moment instead. Argh.

Rayya - 7 Months

My little birdie is 7 months old already! I can't believe how the time is flying. Well, let's see... whats new with her? She is weighing in just over 14.5 lbs - which puts her in the 10th percentile for weight, which isn't awesome. So, we have to really start feeding her good and proper - and that's great, because she is finally loving solids! Everything seems to be her favourite, but I think she really likes pears and baked nectarines (who WOULDN'T love baked nectarines?!). She is also eating lots of rice and oatmeal cereal, sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, apples, bananas, pumpkin, avocado, and soon we'll try green beans. She still has a bottle every four hours or so, but the other day she only drank four - and today only three! But that may be linked to the increase in solids. She loves Baby Mum Mum cookies - though I hate letting her have them, because she makes a huge mess with them. James was a neat freak (still is), but not this girl! No, no, no! She likes things messy!

Her sleeping is still all over the place - with most nights consisting of two or three soother-reinsertion wake-ups, and one bottle wake-up sometime around 4:00 or 5:00am. Then, it can be drastically different, like last night, which was a solid sleep from 8:30pm - 8:30am! Weird.

She is sporting two front lower teeth now, which are adorable. She can sit up, though only for short periods of time. She doesn't seem to get the point of the Jolly Jumper, and when I put her in it she sort of just swings around in drunken circles. She is very "talkative", and also loves to giggle and laugh - mostly at her big brother, the clown! Her favourite toy is a goofy dragonfly that makes kind of eery girly noises.

Still easy-going, Rayya is pretty much happy all the time. We can't complain. Even when she's tired, she will usually try to keep a happy face on. She's amazing. Our little miracle takes after her brother in that she is a bit of a traffic-stopper. I don't know what it is, but my kids seem to draw a crowd in public places. I don't mind. I'm super proud of them - and they love the attention. All in all, I'm enjoying most aspects of being a mom of two. The aspects that I'm not enjoying are a post yet to come.

Dare to Compare - Sandal Shot

James' first sandals...

Rayya's first sandals...

Heartbroken

Today my heart broke.

I was trying to get something out of a cupboard, while James stood below me and was busy telling me all about his cars. I didn't immediately answer him, because I was reading labels. Then he said, "Mommy, you are always busy".

"Yes, I am!" I replied.

"You are always so busy that you don't talk to me".

Stab me in the heart and turn the knife.

Drive me over with a Hummer.

Shoot me square in the head.

That hurt. I knew it actually wasn't the least bit true, but it hurt.

Was I really so busy that even my three year-old felt neglected?

I just felt crushed.

I came down off the chair, and just started to cry.

At that moment, Rayya decided to wake up an hour too early from her nap, meaning that now James would get even less of my attention.

Suddenly, I was overcome by the enemy.

I began to believe that I was a horrible mommy.

I don't make enough time for my kids.

I'm too busy doing unnecessary things.

I'm a waste.

I'm a failure.

I'm not beautiful.

I suck.

*insert pitiful sobs here*

The lies grew in my heart until I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to flee the house. Get away from it. Get away from all the things that made me "too busy" for my kids. So I packed them up in my tears, all the while explaining to James that I was crying because I was sad, not because of him, and that I needed to talk to grandma because I wasn't sure if I was a good mommy.

When we got to my mom's, she was outside in the yard and James immediately went to her and said, "We came over because mommy is sad and crying because she's not a good mommy."

My mom asked him, "Do you think she's a good mommy?".

Of course James said, "Yes".

But it didn't erase the damage that the enemy had done.

I was a wreck.

I still am a little bit.

I feel overwhelmed.

Lost.

Afraid... of nothing.

Get behind me satan.

Lord, keep me strong.

Stand before me, and show me Thy truth.

Engaged!

My younger brother Matt just got engaged today! I am very excited for him, because this journey has been long and rather dramatic.

I won't get into details, but Matt met Mercedes at a birthday party for my grandma five years ago. Mercedes was living at my uncle and aunt's place, as a university exchange student from Monterrey, Mexico. Admittedly, I could tell right away that they would hit it off! Matt hadn't dated much, but Mercedes was fun and bold and outgoing, and who could resist the Spanish accent?! She needed someone to show her around Winnipeg and Matt happily volunteered, and the rest is mostly history. They dated long distance for months, years actually. They saw each other for brief snippets of time in between, but never more than a few months - when Matt when out there to teach English, and for a few months when Mercedes lived in Calgary. Things didn't go smoothly for Mercedes in Calgary, and what ended up happening was that she and Matt broke up and she went back home to Mexico.

After a few months apart, they started to rekindle the relationship. Again long distance dating, they decided they had to talk face-to-face, and met half-way in McLaren, Texas for a weekend. It was obvious after they returned to their separate homes that something had changed, and that there was a future there that we hadn't seen clearly before. Now, only a few short months later, Matt and Mercedes MSN'd us from her home in Monterrey today to tell us they are engaged!

The wedding will be in Mexico next March, and we are SO excited! Mercedes has three sisters (one being her fraternal twin!), but seeing as I only have one sister-in-law, I am so happy to add another. We have lots of "getting to know" each other ahead, but it will be nice to know that Matt won't be alone in Calgary much longer. We love you Matt and Mercedes! Congratulations!