I've had numerous responses to my last post from women who are saying "Thank goodness I'm normal" - after hearing that I DON'T feel normal after James has arrived. I decided I would post again about it, even though it is hard for me to admit that I still don't feel like I have naturally fallen into my motherhood role - and that I have to admit that I don't always LOVE it.
I feel better, and my hormones seem to be relaxing now - so that helps. At least I'm not crying all of the time anymore. However, I still feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere without a map! I worry about every peep James makes. My latest worry is about his schedule. Should I just let him do his own thing? Should I be keeping him awake after eating? I always feel like I should have a nurse or pediatrician next to me at all times, so I can just turn to them and say "Look, is that normal?". I thought that being a mom would be very natural for me, and I would just fall into the role and be all calm, cool and collected. Um, nope. Reality check. I apparently love my little boy more than anything on earth - and that basically makes a person crazy. Yes, crazy. I call my friends and my mom, and the public health nurse, almost daily. I have something to ask constantly. "His bum is pink - is that diaper rash? What do I do?". "He is fussing more than usual today, is he okay?". "He was up again every hour at night - is he getting enough to eat?". "His poop is SOOOOOO runny - is that diahrea?". This is my new life. It's a nut house!
I've also recently learned that I have an overactive letdown reflex. This means that my milk comes down really fast and hard (and it hurts), and James struggles to gulp it all down. This makes his little tummy hurt, and makes his poop explosive and runny. Ick. So, I am now trying to feed him 2-3 times in a row on one breast - and then the same with the other. Hopefully there will be some results. And I can't just throw him onto my breast and hope that he eats. It is a production every single time. I need my nursing pillow, my top mostly off, breast fully exposed... needless to say I am a little nervous for the shopping trip I am planning to make on Friday. I can only hope and pray that I find a place where I can feed him (apparently there is a great nursing room on the 2nd floor in Sears). This is also making me nervous for our vacation which is coming up in 12 days. Will he nurse okay in the airport or on the plane? Oh help!
And should I even mention my own healing process? I worry about that too. I'm still bleeding. I wanted to be one of those women who was all better in 4 weeks. I think I will definately be needing the full 6 weeks. That sucks, because I desperately want to resume a "relationship" with my hubby - but it's slow going it seems. Things still hurt sometimes, and feel uncomfortable. I guess I need only to look at James and realize that I pushed him OUT of there a mere 3 weeks ago. But I just want to feel "normal" again - even "down there". I also have had almost no appetite, which is weird because I'm breastfeeding. But today I actually got to have breakfast! Yay! And, I have lost more than half of the weight I gained.
I feel better, and my hormones seem to be relaxing now - so that helps. At least I'm not crying all of the time anymore. However, I still feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere without a map! I worry about every peep James makes. My latest worry is about his schedule. Should I just let him do his own thing? Should I be keeping him awake after eating? I always feel like I should have a nurse or pediatrician next to me at all times, so I can just turn to them and say "Look, is that normal?". I thought that being a mom would be very natural for me, and I would just fall into the role and be all calm, cool and collected. Um, nope. Reality check. I apparently love my little boy more than anything on earth - and that basically makes a person crazy. Yes, crazy. I call my friends and my mom, and the public health nurse, almost daily. I have something to ask constantly. "His bum is pink - is that diaper rash? What do I do?". "He is fussing more than usual today, is he okay?". "He was up again every hour at night - is he getting enough to eat?". "His poop is SOOOOOO runny - is that diahrea?". This is my new life. It's a nut house!
I've also recently learned that I have an overactive letdown reflex. This means that my milk comes down really fast and hard (and it hurts), and James struggles to gulp it all down. This makes his little tummy hurt, and makes his poop explosive and runny. Ick. So, I am now trying to feed him 2-3 times in a row on one breast - and then the same with the other. Hopefully there will be some results. And I can't just throw him onto my breast and hope that he eats. It is a production every single time. I need my nursing pillow, my top mostly off, breast fully exposed... needless to say I am a little nervous for the shopping trip I am planning to make on Friday. I can only hope and pray that I find a place where I can feed him (apparently there is a great nursing room on the 2nd floor in Sears). This is also making me nervous for our vacation which is coming up in 12 days. Will he nurse okay in the airport or on the plane? Oh help!
And should I even mention my own healing process? I worry about that too. I'm still bleeding. I wanted to be one of those women who was all better in 4 weeks. I think I will definately be needing the full 6 weeks. That sucks, because I desperately want to resume a "relationship" with my hubby - but it's slow going it seems. Things still hurt sometimes, and feel uncomfortable. I guess I need only to look at James and realize that I pushed him OUT of there a mere 3 weeks ago. But I just want to feel "normal" again - even "down there". I also have had almost no appetite, which is weird because I'm breastfeeding. But today I actually got to have breakfast! Yay! And, I have lost more than half of the weight I gained.
But I can say that despite all this - there is no lack of love. The love is abundant and over-flowing. When I see my husband holding that little baby, I'm in heaven. When I look at that little face as he nurses, I think to myself that there is nothing more beautiful. I am in love with James, and being his mom - but so far, I am not in love with motherhood.
P.S. I feel really bad that I don't have time to leave many comments anymore. However, I DO check all of your blogs, and I miss you. Hopefully things will become more scheduled one of these days (ya, right) and I will have more time to let you all know that I am thinking of you.
P.S. I feel really bad that I don't have time to leave many comments anymore. However, I DO check all of your blogs, and I miss you. Hopefully things will become more scheduled one of these days (ya, right) and I will have more time to let you all know that I am thinking of you.
20 comments :
Heather I had the same overactive letdown and Palmer had difficulty gulping it all down much like James. On top of it all, threw up most of it because it hurt his tummy so much to eat so fast when he was so little.
Here's a piece of advice that I got at what felt like really late in the game (1 1/2 months) but that we used until 3 months when my let down regulated itself.
Try to feed James so he's basically on top of you. For example if you're sitting on the couch, scoot your bum down low so that your back isn't upright like usual, but more at an angle: practically lying down so your nipples are facing "up", as much as milk filled breasts can face up at least ;)
The result is really simple in that James will have to work to get the milk up because gravity is working against the milk and it can't just "spill" out of you, so he is less overwhelmed by the milk coming out so quickly.
It really worked wonders for us ... even if I felt a little silly with the position I was in to feed.
I hope this makes sense.
You're incredibly brave to put yourself out there about everything not being "perfect" and I admire that.
Nicole
www.shaneandnicole.blogspot.com
Hi heather..when i read what you had wrote..it made me think. How you are feeling is exactly how i felt and what happened to me 16 months ago. i want to bring you good news and say that..every week/month/day will get easier,i promise you that much, i remember when someone told me that i thought to myself ( how is THIS going to get easier??!!??) but God had choosen specificly you to be james mommy and so he has a plan for you on becomeing all that you need to be for him and for your hubby, so i encourage you to lift every little itty bitty request to God and trust me girl you wont be disappionted,
The mother role thing..i think im still not where i need to be ...but i look back and see that im glad i went through that hard time at the begining because it has somewhat shaped me into my 'new' self.
Im still struggleing with my weight gain from pregnancy, and i pray about it alot but that is one area where im still haveing really hard times on. Im so happy to hear that you have lost so much. Congradulations.
thanks for updateing us on how you are doing..even though we havent ment i feel like i know you already, we are alot alike it seems.
God Bless your Journey
Ya motherhood definatly doesn't come natural. And no one ever warns you about how hard it is going to be because I think they seem to forget. Nothing could have prepared me for the birth of my son and I was 25 at the time. I went in with no expectation and that was a good thing or else I would have been very dissapoointed that it wasn't going how I thought it would or should. Most soon to be Moms dream of cuddling their newborn and relaxing all day but that just isn't the case. I remember having the same fears that you have expressed and to be honest those haven't gone away, there are just a whole new set of worries of him as a toddler! Baby#2 is coming so soon and I am hoping for the best but I really think I am unprepared for what I am about to experience!
Who would have thought that we could love these little people as much as we do? It's an amazing feeling! Lot's of learning and crying but very much worth it!
I appreciate your honesty! I loved this post...
Heather - thanks for your honest post. I'm also checking blogs faithfully but having trouble commenting all the time. I love commenting on yours though since I feel we are at such a similar stage!
I'm sure most mothers would completely relate to your excessive worrying! I can remember with Micah how much of a production nursing was each time. And just when I thought we were doing well, he would change it up on me and start latching funny or coming off every few seconds. Frustrating to say the least. We also had thrush for over a month that didn't seem to go away. And then at 3 months I had kidney stones and had to go on strong antibiotics that were passed through breastmilk. I desperately didn't want to stop nursing so I pumped the entire week (while Micah was on formula - which saddened me in itself). And then came the arduous task of trying to get Micah to nurse again after 7 whole days of only having the bottle. It wasn't easy and I almost gave up but I'm SO glad I persevered. I ended up nursing him until 11 months. Anyway, that's just a long story to attempt to relate to you and let you know that the worrying never really stops (though I think it is quite heightened in those first weeks and especially with the first child!)
You asked about keeping James awake after feedings. Sometimes Keziah is just dead-weight after she eats and I can't wake up her no matter what, but generally I try to save diaper changes for after eating so that it rouses her a little bit. Keziah is on a loose 3-hour feeding schedule. But in the evenings I really try to keep her up more and I even feed her every 2 hours until bedtime to fill up her little belly. It seems to be working so far. But every baby is different and I remember being up a lot more with Micah. Maybe part of it is being a first-time mom and responding a lot more eagerly to every little grunt and fuss.
Anyway, I haven't quite felt myself these past few days either. On our trip to MB I was too busy to really think about it, but now that I'm at home by myself I find I'm quite teary-eyed and irritable and I snap easily at Micah and then feel guilty about it. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all the family that wants to be around all the time and I think I just need a bit more personal space.
Well, for someone who doesn't have time to comment on blogs, I just wrote you a novel ;) I'm thinking of you and I'll keep you in my prayers. I know it's a difficult adjustment. And, seriously, if you're just not starting to feel like yourself, you should talk to your doctor because it has a lot to do with your fluctuating hormones and she may be able to offer some suggestions.
Love ya!
Heather, thanks for being honest. I will definately be keeping you in my prayers.
Hi Heather,
Im sorry your having a hard time. Its normal though. I have trouble remembering how hard it was to be honest... which I think is a good sign. After so long you get to use to being a mom that you forget the awkward hard tmies you experienced at the beginning.
Im sure ill have flash backs as soon as this baby is born...
Wish i had some advice for the breastfeeding stuff... but I dont... since I really only pumped for a month. Caleb never really fed from me.
Have you seen those cami's though that just expose a boob at a time? They are really neat. You can wear them under your shirts and this way you wont feel so exposed. You can lift your top shirt and still have something covering most of you up.
Heres a website you can order them from: http://www.glamourmom.com/
Oh and healing does take time. Did you tear down there any? I had a 1st degree tear... wasnt to bad. But that did result in my healing to take longer. I think by a month I was almost back to normal. But I did bleed for a LONGGGG time... so I do think thats normal.
Any who.
I hope things get easier. They did for me after the 1st month. That 1st month is the kicker.
heather, i'm sorry that these first few weeks haven't been easy for you or how you expected it to be. i don't think any first time mom finds it "easy". we all need help and should never be afraid to ask for it. that "help" is what will pull you through.
like the ladies said before me, it will get easier. you're still running on adrenline and no sleep which often distorts everything and enhances things to major extremes. take it one hour at a time. it's far less overwhelming that way.
thinking of you...
You'll be in love with motherhood before you know it. I promise. The first months are so hard, but once little James starts smiling at you and then laughing and then clapping and then... Suddenly you'll realize you love being a Mommy and you won't have even noticed it happening.
A few weeks after bringing Sam home we had a really rough couple of days and I was very upset and cried to my husband, "Why did we do this? I don't even like him! I wish we had never had him! Our lives were fine without him, why did we mess with things?" Needless to say I felt immediate guilt and after Glen took Sam away so I could have some alone time I could even admit that I did like him, but that first little while is so hard and it took a few more weeks before I got to the point where I was glad we had him. I never would have expected that from myself. I always thought that stuff would come easy.
The good news is that after a while it will come a lot easier. I love love love being at home with my boys. It is so fabulous and fun. I honestly feel bad for my poor husband who has to go out and earn a living while I play with my kids all day.
Heather, I'm so glad to hear that you ASK when you have questions! There are a lot of Mom's who isolate themselves and think that they need to have all the answers, not true. We all need help, we all need to ask. Parenting is learned. It's trial and error. I used to call our pastor's wife (a mother of 4 under the age of 4!) almost hourly! She would even come over to take Riker's temperature for me sometimes 'cause I wasn't sure that I got it right.
With the schedule thing. I really wanted Riker on a schedule and was recommended a book by a friend of mine: Babywise. The basic premise of the book is that you always have your child eat, play, sleep, eat, play, sleep...For Riker, it really helped with his vomiting because he had time to digest before naptime or bedtime. I was a bit anal back then and had him scheduled to the minute! But hey, it worked for him and me, no matter what others said. Our daughter wasn't nearly so scheduled, but I still tried to hold to eat, play, sleep.
Malls-in Polo Park, there are family bathrooms (for just one family with a lock on the door) that sport a little bench by the food court and I think in the middle, by the pet store. Sears also has a feeding room by the bathrooms with rockers and change tables.
-in St.Vital, there's a family bathroom for multiple familys but has a semi-private nursing area in the back. I used both of these.
Have fun friday! Keep your chin up! You're doing great!
Heather, It's ok to feel like this. It's ok. You're going thru what most of us go thru as first time moms. You're being perfectly normal and believe me when I say it will get better. Esp. as James grows older he will develop a shedule before you know it and you'll look back and wonder where has the time gone! With my first born I went into the emergency room a couple times every little thing I was worried about that seemed out of the ordinary.Looking back on it now I chuckle to myself. But that's ok to feel like this you're new at this. Motherhood doesn't come with a manual it comes with practise. Heather you're doing just fine! Keep on cuddling James!
Make sure you go out on outings with your hubby and leave James with a trusted person. I always made sure I had frozen breast milk in the freezer and breast milk in the fridge. You'll find you're even going to look forward to seeing your little one by the time you head back home.
Keep on loving James. You're doing a good job!! You're doing fine! This too wil pass! God bless you! -
That's great that you are getting out to go shopping! and by the sounds of it the mall should be equipped for you :) It's so nice to get out and be around people and get a little normal back in your life :) I remember the beginning when any little thing would make me bawl - i was so super emotional and touchy and any little thing could set it off, sometimes even nothing :) and about the owie down there.. as much as you want to resume a 'relationship' with your hubby, don't push it too much because if you do you may re-injure your tear (if you had one) and then it all just takes longer.. i wish i woulda been luckey enuff to be done bleeding at 4 weeks.. i had to take the whole 6 weeks and even then things were still pretty tender and you gotta be pretty careful :) another great suggestion that another lady made.. make a date night with your hubby and get a sitter(grandma's are good for that), because as much of a change that it is for you into motherhood - your marriage is also going thro a change.. spend an evening just the two of you again and try not to talk baby too much (since you probably do that a lot at home anyway). I treasured my date nights since they were a little bit of 'normal' that i could hang onto :) with love in your heart, you will do just a fantastic job! take care!
Ellen Baier
YOU ARE NORMAL and lovely for being so honest.. beware of listening to all the advice out there because that can be overwhelming.. listen to your baby and he will guide you..no advice here because i know you can do it.. you are doing it.. he is so lucky to have you.. don't try to do it all and be it all.. be you, be his mom and remember this is all a phase.. soon you'll be teaching him to sit and then to walk and then... communicate with your husband.. let him listen and love you (thats what I needed to do more) they are a lot more understanding then we give them credit for. you are a fabulous mom.. feeling lots of love for you...
Wow - quite the responses. but i say too, that you are normal!!! feeding taeya was SUCH a production at first. she would always fall asleep, so i had my top off, her totally undressed, and i would be wiggling her or putting cold clothes on her forehead, etc. and she would constantly pop off (still does, but now she thinks it's funny). and the down there healing takes time...REALLY. i bled for 6 weeks (i think...see? you will actually forget eventually!) and went on my first 5 minute walk at 2 weeks. I had problems sitting for the first month. But in the long term, you will thank yourself for taking it easy and really letting your body heal.
i'm a routine freak, so i started taeya on a routine right away, but each to their own. If you plan on doing a routine with him though, i don't think it would be bad to start now, even if that means waking him from his naps to feed him.
anyway, i just want to echo what everyone else is saying that it does get better. and you will start to fall into the role of motherhood once the initial "lost" stage passes by. and really...james needs love, milk, clean diapers and sleep. so if he gets a bit of those every day, he'll be just fine! :)
Nicole - Did Palmer have the really runny poops too? Did feeding him this way help that? I try to keep James higher than my breast when I feed him, and that seems to help - but he still seems to be overflowing with milk, and spits up and gets hiccups. I feel like I'm drowning him! And then are those awful exploding poops...
Heather, i hope you feel encouraged after reading these comments. You are doing a fine job and you are not alone in how you are feeling. I think of you often and pray for you when I think of it. All the best with shopping tomorrow.
Rebs
Heather,
Oh, did Palmer ever have the runny poops! And they too were explosive, his diapers OFTEN leaked they had so much power behind them!
I asked my doc if it was diarrhea. He said so long as it was loose (which is was) and yellow (which it was) it was as it should be.
Then at about 2 1/2 months he only pooped once every 3 days which I also worried about. Talked to the doc again & he said so long as it didn't go longer than 7 days, that too was considered normal. That lasted a month and then we were back to the same as before.
Feeding him where he was basically face down into the breast which was facing the sky, didn't change the poops, but it did help him HUGE to not "drown" in the milk and it lessened the spit up a bit.
Since I started feeding him rice cereal 1x/day (we started at 4 months instead of 6 like the hospital recommends because he was yelling at us when he saw us eating our food at the table and not giving him any!) it has really helped Palmers poops. They're not soooo runny now, so you'll have a bit to wait before starting cereal depending on what your philosophy on it is, but know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
It's tough being a first time mom some days isn't it! I'm sending up a prayer for peace for you, knowing you will know what to do when you need to do it :)
Nicole
www.shaneandnicole.blogspot.com
Heather,
I appreciate your honesty in this post so much! I think it is the best thing that you could do, being open about your struggles and concerns. I found when I went through the same thing, it was good to be honest and let people know all was not hunky dory. It helped others to know how to pray and helped me know that I was not the only one.
Everyone had great advice, and I do not have a lot to add, except that Nicole is right about nursing with gravity working against James. I did that with Rhys and he did better. I also found that after about 6 weeks, he got used to letting the excess milk run out the side of his mouth. And things evened out after 3 months and we were off to the races.
I constantly called my friends and my mom about what I should do about this that and the other thing. And I still worry about whether Rhys is getting enough to eat. I am trying to wean him and between me having difficulty not wanting to give up that close time he and I share and him not eating much from a bottle before bed, we are having a little difficulty.
I had planned to be so scheduled with Rhys, but he just refused to do it. I found I was more relaxed when I let him be relaxed. He has basically scheduled himself all along, though I am with Jobina and do the sleep, eat, play thing. It works great for us.
I will be keeping you in my prayers.
The runny explosive poops are probably not connected to his eating habits. Rowan had the worst explosive poops. You could HEAR the loud explosion! It only stopped once he started eating a lot more solid food. Just hang in there, and make sure you have lot's of SHOUT on hand!
Hi Heather,
I haven't posted since James arrived, so first i want to say a HUGE congratulations!
And secondly, as everyone else says, everything you have been feeling IS completely normal. And I also thank you for being honest. So many new mom's out there feel what you do but don't admit it...and in turn struggle that much more.
Breastfeeding was the hardest for me, I almost gave up at 3 weeks...it was awful! Once I got past that 1 month mark everything went much better and I ended up nursing for a full year! It will get better, and in the end nursing is sooo much easier then bottles.
I travelled with my daughter 3 times in her first year, I found quiet places in the airport to nurse. Get to the airport a little earlier then usual so you can try to nurse before you get on the plane as I found it much more uncomfortable trying to nurse with so many people around. And it's actually good to nurse on the descent as well (if he's not sleeping) as it helps with the ears.
As far as the schedule thing goes, well we didn't have a schedule for a year...and I also didn't sleep for a year. My daughter slept horribly as I would go to oher every time she cried a little. As a newborn there shouldn't be too much of a schedule but I think once they reach 3 months or so it's time to put one in place. just my opinion...but as a new mom...just go with your gut feeling. Only you can do what is right for your baby. And trust me, what you feel is totally normal..and just keep being honest and you'll feel better.
Have a great trip!
:) Jodi
oh sweetie...i just wish i could come & give you a super big hug!!
everything you are going through & feeling is completley normal and like i'm sure everyone above me has said - it does get better it truly does!! :)
the bleeding is normal, very normal. and it will go away. i know what you mean about wanting to be a wife again...it will happen, and it will be great again. i always felt guilty, but my husband had seen what i had gone through and knew that this was going to be a long healing process. they are more patient sometimes than we give them credit for.
Kamryn honestly did not have a schedule until she was a year old. it wasn't that i didn't try...i just refused to let my life become consumed by it. i have a friend who is so focused on her child's schedule that when he didn't sleep 12 hours in 2 nites she wrote an e-mail to everyone wondering why she was such a bad mom & what she had done wrong. every child is different, and every mother will have different priorities. just try to read YOUR child and find out what works best for them...you do NOT have to be like ANY other Mother. even though it might not feel like it, you are a GREAT mom because you are there every second of every day caring for this little one. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
about the worrying - it will get easier. i just finally had to say to myself & BELIEVE that God had His hand on Kamryn constantly. And He had planned everything that was going to happen. My worrying didn't solve a single thing. Just give that to God - it doesn't come from Him, but He will take it and carry it. He has brought you this far, He will make sure that James is healthy, well-fed and protected. And if there is something that really needs to be taken care of - He will give you that motherly instinct to know when it's really serious. You'll eventually get used to all of the little noises & sniffles & different kinds of dirty diapers, and you will be able to calm down. i promise you.
it's just a huge learning experience, and the learning never stops! there's always new hurdles...but there are many exciting ones ahead! so just keep pushing! i believe in you & i love you.
p.s. could you pls e-mail me the dates you will be gone on your trip? i have something to send you but i'm wondering if i should wait until you get back? let me know.
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