Picture Post!

Can't Think of a Title

I have SO much on my mind tonight! I don't know where to begin! I guess that I could start by saying this:

I would SUCK at being a missionary.

Though you might be laughing at this, it's the truth. Yes, I can be a missionary right where I am - but I don't mean like that. I mean I would suck at being a missionary for a living. I just get too upset. I can't handle it when people clearly hear the Word, the invitation to know Jesus, with good... no, GREAT... explanations of faith and all that, and yet they just turn their backs on it and walk away. I just get upset. I'm not mad at them, though if I said what I wanted to say in those situations they would probably think I was mad at them. The truth is that I'm actually just scared for them. Scared of their future - their eternity. It's become abundantly clear day after day that we aren't here forever. We all have a numbered amount of days to our lives. Mine might be tomorrow. Maybe even tonight. When is yours? When is your number up? Are you walking along in life, hoping that at just the right moment you will give your life up to God - in the hope that He will save you? He will save you, you know? But what if you don't get that moment? See... I get too upset.

Lately the faith questions, and the opportunities to stand up for what I REALLY believe have been numerous. In some ways, I want it to go away. I don't want to hurt people - but I have to speak the truth. The truth? We don't all just get to Heaven by being good. It just doesn't work like that. And more truth? There is a devil, and hell, and evil and demons. They are real. They are at work. They want you to be down there with them. They would love that.

The good of it all is that it's become clear to me more than ever that I have grown in Christ. I DO feel confident that I know Him. I feel confident to express what I believe He wants others to know about Him. I clearly see that my own beliefs are based on His Word, and that they are truth. They ring true to me because the Spirit is in me - and He guides me. That is something I never knew that little old me would ever experience. I feel strong in what I believe about God. And it makes me so incredibly joyful! The opportunity to question my own belief system, and come out feeling stronger about it than I did before is priceless. I just absolutely wouldn't change a thing about what I believe... or at least the core of my faith anyway. It feels good to feel solid and confident in this. It's all I want to live for, and pass on to my kids. Everything else really means nothing.

So while I am at times feeling overwhelmed with fear for the eternal lives of friends and family, I am also feeling more at peace within myself. This I think is a really good thing. I know there is so much more that I could write about this, but I'd fill pages! And no one would read it.

"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere. "
Ephesians 6:12-18

Nightmares

Can you tell me if this happens to you? I go through periods of time where I cannot get rid of nightmares of bad things happening to my children, in which I'm rendered either helpless, or have to choose which one to save, or if I'll save myself and not them, etc.

It's definately the most horrible thing I've ever experienced as far as nightmares go. They started when James was a baby, and last for a few nights in a row and then go away (thank goodness). Even prayer doesn't always get rid of them - trust me, I've tried! They haunt me like nothing else can - and the visions stick in my mind all day.

PLEASE DO NOT keep reading if you are prone to these types of things as well. I just want to give you an idea of the nightmares I have. You can continue reading at the bottom.

Nightmare 1: Me and the kids survive a crash that lands us in a river in our van. I have to come up with a way to unbuckle them from their carseats, open the door, and swim to the surface holding both of them.

Nightmare 2: One or both children are kidnapped. Enough said.

Nightmare 3: I'm in a situation of the end times, where Christians have to profess to know God or deny Him. If I say I know Him, I will be expected to watch as horrific tortures are performed on my children.

Nightmare 4: One of my children has been kidnapped, and while in Winnipeg, I see him/her in the backseat of the car next to ours at a stop light. I get out of our car, and try to get them out - but the car doors are locked and it begins to get away.

In each of these nightmares, I'm left with the haunting visions of the last moments of my children's faces looking at me. I usually wake up and cry. I pray for our safety, and that I'll never be in a position where I would have to endure this kind of pain. Sometimes when the nightmares have been bad enough, I get up to go check on the kids and pray over them. Other times I have got on my knees, and prayed till morning. I'm going to continue to pray against these nightmares. Thankfully for now they seemed to have passed.

The Sequel III

Can't believe I'm posting this, it's horrible...

The original posted here, The Sequel posted here, and The Sequel II posted here.

James - 4 years

Okay, so he's still three days shy of being four. I was worried that I might not get a post in for him, so here goes... hope I can keep my tears away for this one!
As if he's four. As if. For some reason four is hitting me so much harder than three. Maybe because four means he is in preschool now, which starts the new thirteen year journey through school - and the beginnings of less of me, and more of his friends... and their influences. But that being said, James loves preschool! He is sometimes overwhelmed by the routine - and would like to keep doing the "fun" things and not so much of the "boring" things. He likes the free time, craft time, and snack time. Sometimes he likes story time. He doesn't like the singing (though I've caught him singing a few times). He also loves it when they go outside, but that is likely coming to an end now.
James is addicted to numbers. He loves ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with numbers. He loves cars with numbers on them, the number foamy things we have for the bathtub, our number magnets, his calculator, the phone... and sometimes he'll just sit and type numbers on the computer. He likes to ask me what certain number combinations are, like "Mom, what is a 1 and a 3 together?", "That's thirteen". This can go on for LONG periods of time. He also loves watching "Number Jacks" and has a favourite puzzle at school that is numbers. We have some wipe clean books, and he always does the pages with numbers. We wonder what this number fascination means for his future? Stock market trader?
If you have me as a friend on Facebook, you know that James also has funny things to say almost daily. The other day we drove past the Winnipeg Mint, and I told James they made coins there. He asked if we could go inside, and I said we couldn't that day but maybe another day. He groaned, and then said "I always wanted to go to the place where they make chocolate coins".
James also recently announced that he is no longer eating anything but Kraft dinner, and peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Really, this isn't too far out from his current diet. I can't get this kid to eat - particularly meat and veggies. Most days I try to make sure my meals include SOMETHING that he'll eat - but I'm getting tired of it. When I do try to make him eat new things (or things he just doesn't want to eat) he gags and pukes. So this is quite a problem, and I still don't know what to do about it. Thank goodness he'll eat fruit, and milk.
James is still the most sensitive and loving little boy I've ever known. He often will say for no reason at all that he loves me, or comes to give me a hug because he thinks I need one. He tells me that I'm beautiful, and that I smell good. He cares when he sees me upset, and cries when his little sister gets hurt. He adores his friends, and is loyal to them like no other. I hope and pray he will love Jesus like that someday!
So we'll see what the Fabulous Fours will bring! I hope it's his best year yet - with many more stories to tell.

Jesus Is the ONLY Way

Some of the core and foundational roots of what I believe as a Christian have been questioned recently. The verses below are the Scriptures that I believe to be truth, and that state with authority that Jesus is our Saviour. Without Jesus, we are not saved. But with that, it's also important to me that people understand that we are not here to judge. I don't know anyone's heart but my own. However, I want to speak the truth, I do not want to deceive, and I don't want anyone living in blatant sin to think that I approve. You need to believe in Jesus. You need to know Him. There is NO other way to Heaven.

Isaiah 43:10,11 - “You are My witnesses,” says the Lord, “And My servant whom I have chosen, That you may know and believe Me, and understand that I am He. Before Me there was no God formed, Nor shall there be after Me. I, even I, am the Lord, and besides Me there is no Savior.”

John 5:23 - that all should honor the Son just as they honor the Father. He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent Him.

John 8:24 - “Therefore I said to you that you will die in your sins; for if you do not believe that I AM He, you will die in your sins.”

John 9:35-38 - Jesus heard that they had put him out; and finding him, He said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?” He answered and said, “And who is He, Lord, that I may believe in Him?” Jesus said to him, “You have both seen Him, and He is the one who is talking with you.” And he said, “Lord, I believe.” And he worshiped Him.

Acts 4:12 - “Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”

2 John 1:7 - For many deceivers have gone out into the world who do not confess Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist.

1 Peter 2:24 - “who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we having died to sins, might live for righteousness - by whose stripes you were healed.”

Philipians 2:5-8 - “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those who are in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Revelation 1:17-18 - “Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last, and the living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades.”

There could be many more added to this list - but these are some of my favourites. I wish I was better at memorizing, so that I could pull these out whenever I needed them.

Death Will Do That

When a soul is snatched away from earth, there is an emptiness in the air that you can almost feel. It's like the spirit realm has to rearrange itself, making room for the new soul - and the air surrounding us has to adjust to one less body breathing it in. Have you ever felt that? The feeling that there is a presence, and yet a complete lack of presence when someone dies too soon, unexpectedly?
Our community is facing that kind of emptiness this week. A dear friend, and mother, and wife, and sister, and grandma, was snatched away from earth this week in a car crash. There is such a heaviness here - you can feel it. Faces are not bright when you meet in the store. Eyes are swollen, faces drawn, shoulders hunched. There is some rejoicing - she gets to join the son she lost in heaven. But down here, she will be missed greatly. This was a woman who loved. In everything she did, there was love.
That's what I hope I'll bring to this earth. I hope I exude love. I hope that when I die people will say, "She really knew what it meant to love". So here's my love you... can you feel it? I'm trying to pour it out to YOU. I love you. You are special to me. God loves you. You are special to Him.
Oh, and Marj, when you get to heaven, can you hug my babies for me?

Speaking of Growing Up Too Fast...

She walks! Well, almost.

Don't Grow Up So Fast!

I admit that sometimes (and maybe more than usual lately) I have been wishing for James to grow up. His latest issues are exhausting, and some days I just don't know if I'm going to get through the day in one piece! But today I took a little stroll down memory lane, and looked back to a post I did on this same day two years ago. This little video got me all teared up. Where has the time gone?! That little voice... I miss it already! Thank goodness there are lots more years of James being little yet to enjoy!

Feeling Like Me Again

It feels so incredibly good to feel like me again! Honestly, the last two months have been the first time since about February that I have truly felt normal. I am loving each moment, and have just been able to truly appreciate feeling genuine happiness, contentment, joy, peace, love... I thought that I had lost these things, and wondered if I would be trapped in that feeling of a mental whirlwind forever. I knew it was just going to be a matter of time - and the right combination of circumstances - that would eventually get me out of that rut. That, and God.

I have diligently been doing my Bible study for the last two months - and some may say it's a coincidence, but I doubt it - that it's been one of the circumstances that has changed my life. This Beth Moore series we're doing on the fruit of the Spirit is phenomenal. I have started making it part of my daily routine - to pour out to God, and allow Him to fill me with the Spirit. I saw instant results. That's right - it was instant. Sometimes, in the words of Beth Moore, I have been able to "change my day" and at the same time "change my life". What an amazing tidbit of wisdom!

The fact that I can now blog is evidence of a change. I tried to blog over the last few months, but my mind was filled with so many thoughts - much of it negative - that I couldn't formulate my ideas, and would just sit blankly at the screen until I gave up. Now my mind is clear. I can focus. I get an idea, and then I find the right time to sit and blog it. I can feel the Spirit pushing my direction (not always, but a lot of the time), and sometimes even changing my responses to situations without me realizing what's happening! That alone seems to have made a difference within my marriage, and my responses to my kids.

So if you are part of a small study group - take "Living Beyond Yourself". Or start a group of women and take it. Or just do it for yourself. It will change your day... and your life.

P.S. I believe that this post was specifically written to impact someone. I was unable to post it for about a week now or more, and finally it worked - after I PRAYED that it would work. Not sure who you are, or in what way this is meant to be for you - but don't ignore the message! I hope you will be blessed!

My Jamers

James is just the greatest kid. Really. He is so encouraging, kind, and sensitive. He is a super stellar big brother! He's smart, and loves projects. He is always the first person to run up to me in the morning with a huge hug, a big "I love you Mom", and sometimes even "You smell sooooo good Mom". I couldn't be more in love with my little boy.

His sensitivity is mostly good - but it has it's downsides. I didn't think I would already be dealing with school-related teasing, but it has begun. How do kids just KNOW which kid hates being teased? And then why do they HAVE to test the boundaries of that teasing? Well, James is being teased at school, and it hurts him. He seems confused about why the one little girl that he like SO MUCH, and want to be friends with is saying mean things to him. My heart just breaks. They aren't serious offenses, but it's still hard to hear my little boy asking me what "scaredy cat" means. He didn't want to wear a costume for their class party this week, but I sent one along just in case. Apparently he wore it briefly for a photo - and in that short time span, this girl told him his costume was funny, "and she said it in a mean way". Wow, evil is just so prevalent - even in these young kids, who have grown up in wonderful Christian homes!

We've been praying for this girl EVERY night - and if I forget, James will remind me. I don't really know how to walk with him through this. I try to reassure him of our love, and that this girl's remarks aren't true, and that he can stick by the friends that are nice. But just like us as adults, the cutting words ring out in James' mind more than any of the encouraging words do. I hope he'll be able to get past this, and in some ways I hope he can toughen up - but only a bit! I love my sensitive, caring boy. What this girl doesn't realize is that someday James is going be a GREAT husband!

Three Little Birds

I didn't notice at first, but God has been trying to get my attention through a secular song for the last couple of months. I love music, and God often speaks very strongly to me through the lyrics of songs.
It came up the first time while we were away for September long weekend. We stayed at a resort, where they hold a talent night for the staff and guests. Two girls that were working there from Jamaica went up, and sang a Bob Marley song that I hadn't heard before. It's called "Three Little Birds". I listened to the song, but was distracted by something so I didn't hear God whispering to me to listen closer.
Considering I had never heard that song before, I was surprised when a few weeks later I turned the radio on in the van and heard that song come on! I don't often listen to that station, but had decided I wanted a change of music. We were all in the van together, Ryan, the kids and I. Suddenly, the lyrics of the song took on a whole new meaning. God whispered, "This is for you". Who knew He could speak through secular music?!
Since then, I have heard the song on that same station two more times, and have listened to it often on YouTube. Each time I get goosebumps, because I know that this song is God speaking directly to me. The words are simple, and repetitive, but that doesn't take away from the message He wants me to know.
The "three little birds" lyrics stand out to me too, in three ways. In one way, they represent to me my three miscarriages. In another way, they seem to symbolize the three children we'd like to have. But they also stand out to me as representing the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I hope you can be blessed by the song too!

Workin' On It...

The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives:

love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Rayya - 13 Months

Every time I write about Rayya I get all teary-eyed, and sappy. I guess it's because we just didn't really know if we would get to have her... and now we do. It's a gift that never gets old. A blessing that we are reminded of every second of every day.

Rayya has 7 teeth - and really knows how to use them! She LOVES table food, and eats ANYTHING. It's amazing! She hates it if anyone is eating in front of her, and will beg until she gets to have a taste. Some of her favourites are noodles, bananas, sweet potatoes, pears, and ham. She is also working on using a sippy cup, and we're slowly seeing the end to the day of bottles.

Rayya is nearly 95% happy. Even her bad moods are quite laughable really! She'll cry when she gets hurt - but only ones that hurt a lot. She's pretty tough. James is fabulous with her - but every now and then she still gets toppled. I think James usually takes it harder than she does!

She loves walks in the stroller, and crawling around in the grass outside. Because she'll eat anything, I have to watch her pretty closely! She isn't a big fan of being in her carseat for very long though. Unlike her big brother, she REFUSES to sleep in the car, unless she is so tired that she can't stay awake any longer.

Rayya smiles and laughs a lot, and gets lots of attention for her very blonde hair and very blue eyes. She's a heartbreaker! She also has her mommy and daddy wound around her little finger. Perhaps it's the way she makes us feel like a million bucks with her squeals of joy when she sees us. Or maybe it's all the love and cuddles, and roly-poly playing that makes us feel that way. What a joy she is!

Rayya still isn't walking. She will only walk holding my fingers, and ONLY mine. If anyone else tries to walk with her, she flops to the floor. She also walks on her knees sometimes, which looks hilarious! She jumps on her knees too - trying to mimic James when he's on the trampoline. She just started standing on her own in the middle of the room recently - but will only do it if James and I are there, and no one else is around. I hope she walks soon -though she is extremely fast crawling! We call her "Turbo".

Rayya seems to be in transition right now with her naps. Up till now she was still having an hour long morning nap, and a 1-2 hour afternoon nap. Lately she is fighting both naps, and waking up quite early. She can skip her morning nap for a day or two, but by day three she needs one. So, we're trying to figure it out, and hopefully soon we'll be down to one nap a day. I like having a morning that is nap-free!

So that's my Rayya. She is a sweet little, dainty thing - and super fun to be around!

Thinking Out Loud

I guess I'm not really thinking out loud so much as I'm putting my thoughts on screen. Whatever. It doesn't matter - you know what I mean, right? I don't like it when people get hung up on saying things EXACTLY as you mean them. If you get it, then why correct it.
On to next thought...
I feel so bad for little Rayya in that where I documented James' every move and milestone of his first few years of life, Rayya is lucky to get a post on her significant monthly milestones! Poor gal! It certainly isn't because she is any less loved... but perhaps because the love has grown in our household to the point that I can't spend as much time away from my kids. I like to be with them and available to them - and not feeling the pressure to blog about them anymore. It's been good for me to lose that "burden" of feeling that I had to blog. I was afraid to lose my audience - which I know I have to some extent - but thanks to Facebook and emails, I don't feel out of touch at all. One thing to like about FB I guess.
On to next thought...
My lack of blogging is somewhat due to some other issues though. One being that my internet connection isn't always great. It's free, so I'm hardly complaining about it's malfunctions - but if its windy, if its rainy, if its too cold, if its too hot, my connection continuously fails. Argh. Annoying. But it's sunny, and not windy today, so my connection is good.
On to next thought...
My lack of blogging has also been due to the fact that I've been unmotivated - which has been one of the side effects of being heavily affected lately by high anxiety. I've been experiencing frequent periods of very high anxiety since Rayya was 5 months old - and suspiciously also the same time that I had to stop nursing. There have been moments when I have feared that I will never get to be the old me again. I've always had an anxious side to me, but not like this. Not the way I've felt it now. It builds up over a few days, and then hits a peak that can last 2-5 days. During those peak days I feel I can barely function. My thoughts whirl through my head a mile a minute, and I can't even keep up in a normal conversation. I isolate myself. I can't cook. I can't keep my patience up very long (meaning regular trips to grandma's house for sanity breaks). It's really been unpleasant.
I saw my OB about it, and she did a full panel of hormone tests. They all came back normal. Eventually, Rayya started sleeping through the night on a regular basis - and the anxiety improved quite a bit. But even one or two nights with interupted sleep, and I am back to a freak of nature.
Since then, I have established a timeline for the anxiety - which lines up perfectly with my cycle. Anxiety builds up leading up to ovulation, and then goes down, then gradually back up again leading up to menstruation and lasting for nearly that entire cycle and then down. So I can somewhat predict my worst times now, which helps. Right now I am in a very good part of the cycle, and have had very little to no anxiety during the last week. It could be that it's going to finally go away (the OB thought perhaps that my hormones were still adjusting after quitting nursing). Or maybe it's because I'm learning to be filled with the Spirit instead of with anxiety.
On to next thought...
My Bible study is taking a Beth Moore series on the Fruits of the Spirit, called "Living Beyond Yourself". We're just getting into it - but already it's been helping me "change my day", and "change my life". Beth talks about how we are to "pour out" to God each day, so that He in turn can "pour into" us. I've made it a challenge to myself to do this every morning - and wow - I have seen a complete 180 degree turn in my mood, my energy level, my attitude - my entire day is changed! It's been fabulous! Even my anxiety stands no chance against my new Spirit-lead lifestyle. I have hardly felt the effects of anxiety since I started this new daily ritual.
So perhaps this new change in my life, and the banishment of anxiety from my daily living will help me find the time and motivation to keep blogging. Perhaps there is more that I can share about our lives that can encourage you and bless you, and hopefully entertain you as well!

She's One!

We waited. We prayed. We waited some more. Somedays, we almost lost hope. But then, there she was... our beautiful, perfect baby girl.And now, one year later, she is even more beautiful, and even more perfect. She makes us laugh, makes us smile, brings us joy, makes us proud, and rounds off this little family of four like a jewel to a crown. She is our miracle. The baby we begged for, and God blessed us with. She is our Rayya, and we are so happy to be able to say "Happy first birthday Rayya! May there be many, many more!". Love, Mommy & Daddy

Rayya - 11 Months

I sat down to write this post about Rayya, and instantly welled up with tears. Note to self: "Do not post monthly updates about the kids with PMS". I am an emotional person at the best of times, so this particular time of the month is even worse!

Eleven months of having Rayya in our lives has honestly been EASILY the best eleven months of my entire life. I am living my dream. In my dream I lost my patience a lot less though, and somehow the housework and cooking get done on their own. But besides that, and a few other bumps in the road that I am dealing with, life couldn't really get much better!

Just over two years ago now I clearly heard God say, "You are carrying the baby that your heart desires. SHE will be strong, and SHE will be courageous". I can't type that without tears - joyful, thankful tears. Though the timing was not in our hands, and the time between hearing those words and having a healthy baby girl placed into my arms was long, it was worth every second of waiting. I love that Rayya's name reminds me daily of the gift that she is.

Rayya - "to no longer be thirsty"

Katherine - "Pure"

Faith - "confident belief or trust in the truth"

The past 11 months have flown by faster than any other time in my life. We've been busy, mainly with just the everyday things that families do. I can say with all truthfulness that being a mommy of two has been the hardest, most challenging, overwhelming, and sometimes gut-wrenching, faith-testing thing I've faced. On the other hand, I could not be happier. I have a little boy, and a little girl - every moment is precious.

Rayya is a beautiful child - and she possesses the qualities that God told me she would have through-and-through! She is STRONG and she is COURAGEOUS! These qualities will probably be more beneficial in the future - as right now they just get her into all sorts of trouble! Emptied drawers, baskets, and a continuous quest to get up the stairs before I can catch her are all part of the regular daily activities! She wants desperately to chase and run away from her big brother - so she spends much of her time working on standing. So far she only gets to jumping on her knees, but is also getting around on the furniture too.

She has (knock on wood) also been sleeping good twelve hour nights for a couple of months now! Praise the Lord! We all needed that sleep - and now I am feeling a lot more like me, and not a walking mess anymore. This girl also refuses to be fed - and HAS to feed herself. One word - messy. I think we need a puppy, just so that all the food on the floor doesn't go to waste! At this point I think we're just getting used to walking around with crumbs stuck on the bottom of our feet (ick).

Rayya loves her big brother to pieces. She follows him everywhere (if she can keep up) and wants to be doing whatever he is doing. When she gets her way and he lets her play with his things she's happier than a "pig in a mud puddle". She loves all things dirty - crawling in the grass eating twigs, dirt, sand, water - nothing slows her down. She loves swimming with daddy, being carried around by mommy, playing with grandma, and giggling at her grandpa. She has even proved to be a good traveller as we recently flew to Calgary for a few days. She handled the transition quite well.

I don't want to get too sentimental - due to my emotional state - but Rayya brings us joy like nothing we've ever known. God has been gracious to us - and we are so thankful to Him. He knew what He was doing, and has proven to us again and again that we can trust His ways in FAITH.

Pic Post

James Kennedy:

James never ceases to amaze us with his vocabulary, imagination, energy, and enthusiasm. He loves art, cars, and just imagining things all day long. He is excited to start preschool in the fall - though I don't know if I'm ready for that, and have many concerns that he will be unable to focus - he is ALWAYS moving! He is hilarious, charming, sensitive, mischiveous, and did I mention hilarious?! Hopefully soon this little acrobat will learn to listen and obey...

Rayya Katherine Faith:

This little beauty is almost 10 months old! She crawls, she sports 4 teeth (make that 5 as of two days later) and several more on the way, she smiles A LOT, wins the heart of all who meet her, will eat only table food, wants to walk and talk, never ceases to bring sunshine... but still does not sleep through the night.

I Don't Miss Blogging

I miss my blogger friends a lot lately. I miss the days of posts with tonnes of comments and lots of "chatter". But those days have sort of slipped away, and I find myself enjoying the freedom I have in NOT blogging as much! At first I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep up after I had Rayya - you know, all the monthly updates and stuff. I felt I had to do it for her, for you, and to keep things "fair" because I blogged about every single month of James' entire first, what, 18 or more months of life?! I can't do it anymore, and I think I finally and successfully feel completely comfortable blogging only when I want and need to - and not because I feel I have to. All that being said, I do miss the good 'ol days of blogging. I do catch up on your blogs every now and again, and have often been surprised at the arrival of new babies, new homes, new adventures! So know that I'm still reading, and hopefully one day I can get back to my diligent updates here at My Quest Through Motherhood. Motherhood is busy - and right now my quest to get through it doesn't involve making time for the blog.

Hiding

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as open, honest and vulnerable as I am. Lately, I've had a strange desire to sort of just disappear for awhile. Not from my family, but from absolutely everything else. I wish we could just pack up, and move somewhere else - just temporarily. I'd love it if Ryan didn't have to work, and we could just hide out somewhere as a family and be TOGETHER. Uninterrupted. Without a schedule. Without things that need to be done, or have to be done. I am longing for something simpler - no TV, no computer, no outside world. I'm not one of those that can cut those out of my life without completely removing them from my sight. If the TV is there, James will watch it sometimes. If the computer is there, I'll use it. And so on... I've just been feeling overwhelmed by the speed of life. I want to slow down, but I don't know how to do that in my own home, when life just keeps going as it always does.

And I want to hide myself a little too. All of a sudden, I feel really naked. Most of the time I feel comfortable in my openness, but lately I feel like I want to hide myself. I wish that when people talked, I didn't feel like I had to contribute or even know how they feel about things. I wish that I could go places, and be anonymous. I wish I could focus on my inside, and not be so intent on getting what's inside to come out. I don't really bottle things at all. Sometimes I wish I knew how. I wish I was more mysterious, more interesting. I need to build a special vacuum cleaner that can just suck back in all the things I've let out. All my secrets, garbage, feelings, etc. I'd jsut be curious to see what kind of person I'd be then. Would I be more stable, or completely nuts? Would I function better, or would I be a basket case? Would the outside world see me as strong, or dysfunctional? Interesting thought. And how would my friends feel? Would I even have any? What makes me a good friend? What are the things that make me a bad friend?

Just some thoughts on my mind today.

A New Suit

I am certainly no bathing suit model - but you know you picked the right suit when you dare to post a photo while wearing it! This beautiful suit came in the mail after I ordered it from Lime Ricki (http://www.limericki.com/). I saw a review of a one piece suit on SIMPLE, and decided to check out the site. Wow! I love these suits! Sure, they may not be for everyone - but I find it pretty tough to find a bathing suit that doesn't make me want to hide in the shadows. I like to be covered, and held in. I like to NOT pick out wedgies, and I like to know that the "girls" are stuck in place. These are hard qualities to find in a bathing suit and especially one that is still cute & kinda sexy!
So anyway, I checked out the suits. I love tankinis, but since having babies, my belly is no longer something that should be seen by the public. Most tankinis still show a little midsection - and mine, well, it's more like showing off the spare tire! I like to keep it hidden! These tankini tops are awesome! They are extra long, and completely cover your belly - as well as staying down and not riding up. The best things were the boy short option, which I love, and also the PRICE! I got a 10% off coupon code from SIMPLE, and it's available till the end of May. I totally love the suit (just for the sake of others wanting to order, I am wearing a medium top, and large bottoms). I totally and highly recommend these suits. I love the one pieces too, but I'll stick with one for now!

Old-Fashioned Girls

I love old-fashioned little girls. Do you know they type that I mean? I'm talking about the kind of little girls that love pink, dress-up dresses, and painting their fingernails. I'm talking about little girls who like to learn and pretend to cook, play with dolls, be "the mom", and look after the littler kids. I'm talking about little girls who love babies, and want to hold them and play with them. I'm talking about little girls who like cats, and when they talk to you they look you in the eye with a twinkle. I'm talking about little girls who show respect, are soft, kind, and tell funny stories about all the crafts they made over Spring Break. These are the old-fashioned little girls that I love!

I know three of these old-fashioned girls, and yesterday I met three more. Their innocence and adoration for my little Rayya brought tears to my eyes. It's a lost art - raising good girls. And it's hard these days to do it. Society has painted them a picture of something so contrary to the "old-fashioned" little girls of yesterday. They are supposed to be into boys, loud music, and sexy clothes long before their 10th birthday. They hang out at the mall, scoping out members of the opposite sex, buying make-up and talking about dirty things before they even truly know the consequences of getting into any of that kind of thing.

I want to raise Rayya as a good girl. I want her to be all the things I mentioned above - the things that good, old-fashioned girls are. I want her to love being outside. I want her to love her family, and her friends. I want her to love herself. I want her to love Jesus. I pray, pray, pray that in this ugly world, where Satan attacks the innocence of little girls, that I can raise one who will rise above all that - and be proud to be old-fashioned.

Dare to Compare - 8 Months

No, this photo wasn't staged. As soon as I looked at this photo of Ryan and Rayya, I knew we had a photo similar to this with Ryan and James - it was one of my favourite photos of them, and James just happened to also be 8 months in that picture. Funny hey?!

Can't Think of a Good Title

Hey folks. It's me. I know I haven't written much lately, and there are reasons. Some that I can't talk about, some that I won't talk about, some that I want to talk about but have no idea where to start, or where to end. Let's just say that I'm dealing with a few different life issues right now.
It's not been easy, fun, or even the least bit helpful. I don't even know entirely where I'm going with this post except to say that I hope "Heather" will be back soon. A lot of the Heather I once was has sort of been lost... some parts of Heather have been a little injured... some parts of Heather is in hiding. I'm hoping that I'm growing. I'm hoping that I'm learning. I'm hoping I'm being equipped, and that I'm not just fading away. I'm hoping that the fire is simply refining me.
What I'm desperately grasping to and holding onto for dear life is my sweet Saviour, Jesus. Wow, I am so glad He is forgiving and merciful. I need that these days. Someone to just love me, love me, love me. I'm hanging on to Him, and my little family.
I'm just hugging them tighter, loving them deeper, enjoying them further, and trying to soak in every single second of each of them - Ryan, James and Rayya. They really are all I need in my life... and Jesus... but on earth, I just need them. Sometimes there are aspects of all three of them that play into some of my... issues. However, at the end of the day they are all still there, and they all still love me and need me. Right now, I cling to that. So, thanks for stopping by here even though I've had so little to say. I have so much to say, but it's all stuck inside my head right now. Perhaps one day I'll be better able to explain it! My love to you all!

8 Months & 3 1/2 Years

Just a brief glimpse of a moment in a day with an 8 month old and a 3 1/2 year old!

James' Knock-Knock Joke

(in case you didn't catch it all)

James: Knock, knock...

Me: Who's there?

James: Rayya.

Me: Rayya who?

James: Rayya swallowed Ina. Then Ina didn't know what to do! And then she saw that everyone had disappeared, and then she saw a light but it disappeared and she didn't know what to do!

Sleep & Stuff

After my last sleep-related post both the kids came down with a super awful cold. They were both congested, sneezing, coughing, fever... it was not fun. At least I could give James cough medicine! Rayya on the other hand really just had to suffer through it, with about a hundred nose wipes a day (one day she sneezed, which resulted in both nostrils blowing huge shnot bubbles, both of which burst at the same time, and completely slimed her face with shnot). I also made good use of the nasal aspirator, Vaporub, the vaporiser, and saline nose spray. It was one crazy week, but we made it through. And during that whole week, Rayya slept through the night almost perfectly - 7pm to 7am. And then she got better...
The nights haven't been too bad, except last night Rayya was up (and HAPPY as a clam) from 1:00am until almost 4:00am! This isn't horrible I guess... but I almost wish she'd cry. If she would cry, then I could let her cry it out until she got tired and went back to sleep. When she's happy, I can leave her be, but her happy noises keep me up! Then she just continues to get more and more wired until I finally have to go in and help her fall asleep, or at least go in 5-10 times to reinsert her soother to get her to calm down and fall asleep again. This is not a great trend, so I hope she's nearly done with the late night crib parties.
So, we continue to work through the sleep issues. I just don't know exactly what to do... because she isn't waking up unhappy in the night. She isn't getting any bottles all night. She just simply is waking up... so then what?

Bringing Back the Pain

When those near to me hurt, I hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually feeling their true pain - if God has given me some kind of gift to literally and physically carry other's burdens. One burden I know all too well is the burden and heartache of losing a baby. A baby that was wanted, loved from the moment it was conceived, longed for, worked for, dreamed of... it hurts so much to walk again through those memories. When I hear my friends spilling their hearts about their feelings during a miscarriage - it all comes flooding back. The bitter, angry, sad, tired tears that I cried. Wondering where God was in it all, and the primary question of "why? why? why?". Why my babies? Why my friend's babies? Why? Beautiful mothers, good mothers, Christ-fearing mothers (and fathers too)... why can't they have the babies their heart's so desire? Why the giving and then taking away? For what purpose?

In the last few months I've had three of my closest friends lose babies. It feels so unfair. I would have done anything to have been able to protect them from that pain... and now all of them are walking in it. And you know what? It doesn't matter how many miscarriages I've had, or how much I can relate to how they feel, I still feel inadequate. I still don't know what to say or do - because nothing can change what's happened. I know all the things to NOT say, which is great. But there really are no words that can make it better. Even the peace in knowing that those babies are happy, healthy and whole living in Heaven doesn't take the earthly pain away. Not right away.

My heart is heavily burdened today. My heart aches. And for all the many more of you who know the pain I'm talking about... I'm so sorry. Today I'm carrying with me just a little bit of that pain for all of you. I'm praying for you, and I am sending out a hug to each of you.

Sleep Experiment - Nights Six & Seven

Are you bored of these posts yet? Well, one of you out there must have prayed for us, because the last two nights have been much better. James is still super sick, and now Rayya is coughing and has a fever too. Thankfully, the fits of coughing through the night don't seem to be keeping them awake - and perhaps being sick is helping them sleep. I've only had to get up for Rayya once a night for the last two nights, and not at all for James. I have been doing the Vaporub on the feet thing for him, and tonight I did it on Rayya. They both napped pretty good today too, so if we can get through this virus (I took them to the Dr. today and she said it seems to just be a virus) in one piece, maybe some of the sleep issues will also be resolved. One can only hope.
Don't miss the post below about my latest fall, and the resulting bruise...

Evolution of a Bruise

Copying my friend Nicole's post about her bruise (don't miss the latest post about it here), I decided I'd share mine with you - because it's a beauty! This lovely bruise was the result of me taking a tumble off our neighbours' trampoline. Well, not so much the trampoline as their wobbly, fixed-yet-crooked step stool to get on and off the trampoline. I was coming off the trampoline onto the step stool, and suddenly I lost all control of balance and grace. I fell onto the stool which fell onto it's side, and planted my butt firmly into the ground. My tailbone also does not feel good. Anyway, I didn't really think too much of it after my initial inspection, but the next day it looked like this... (please try your best to shield your eyes against the pastey whiteness)

Then day 3 after the fall (almost X-rated)...

And then day four...

Sleep Experiment - Night Five

Isn't it fun to have a glimpse into someone else's nighttime catastrophies? Not because you take joy in my suffering, but because it makes you feel normal for all the times that you have felt like something about your life totally sucks. Yes? Well, as I sit here eating slices of pepperoni leftover from pizza night on Saturday, I find myself hoping that someone out there reading this is nodding their head in understanding. Last night was horrible.

I don't know what happened - last night was supposed to be the 'good' night. Alas, it did not happen that way. First of all, James is horribly sick. He has a fever, major nasal congestion, a runny nose that is constantly smeared all over his face and sleeves, and one of the worst coughs he has ever had. The cough sounds horrible - and it's nearly constant. I feel horrible for him. His eyes are watery and bloodshot from coughing so much. The last two days I've had him maxed out on his cough medication intake. Poor guy. He coughed through nearly the whole night last night, and that is my only guess for why Rayya was up so much. Twelve times. I got up for her twelve times. Twelve. Out of bed, into bed, out of bed, into bed, out of bed... and one time I was up for James, who had a coughing fit around 1:00am, which was exactly the hour for which I could give him another dose of cough syrup.

I do know that Rayya's gums look really swollen, and she isn't interested in her bottle much, which are two indicators that she may also be expecting some new teeth soon. She also bit me on the arm today - HARD - so that is likely a sign too! I also totally got James decked out for a good sleep, so hopefully that will help us to ALL sleep better tonight. He got some cough meds right before bed, Vaporub all over his chest, neck and back, and a vaporiser running in his room. I'm just praying he gets over this awful cold soon - it's breaking my heart to see him so unhappy!

Anyway, Rayya didn't need anything but soother reinsertions all night - but that still totally blows. Of course, she was up around 6:45am - and though she was quiet after I put her soother in one last time, I have no idea if she ever went back to sleep. She then had a too-short morning nap, and a too-short afternoon nap - so perhaps she will sleep soundly tonight. God knows I need to sleep to look after a fussy, teething baby and a very sick toddler!

On the bright side, while James took an extended afternoon nap, Rayya got decked out in new summer clothes and we hung out in the warm afternoon sun together. She ate a lot of grass.

Sleep Experiment - Nights Three & Four

The same trend has continued - one night on, one night off. On Friday Rayya remained on the new "schedule", and into bed by 7:00pm. It was a pretty good night, with only one or two wake-ups for the soother - I can't remember. Then last night was a bomb again, with a lot of waking up. At least I can be assured that tonight will likely be fairly decent. I don't really get this trend of good night / bad night. Nothing has changed, nothing is different... it just seems she can't have a good night two nights in a row! The more scheduled routine is nice though, and fits in nicely with giving her three meals a day - have I mentioned how she loves solids? So, we'll keep trying. The next step will be to just let her cry it out, and now that I have a sick kid I think I'll wait at least until he's better so that his sleep isn't interrupted. I'll let you know when I head into that little adventure... I think this girl is a little stronger-willed than her elder brother, and has a good set of lungs on her as well.

Sleep Experiment - Night Two

Yuck. That is how I will describe last night. Yuck. It was our worst night ever - since Rayya's birth, no lie. I don't know what happened. She followed along on the new routine nicely all day. Morning nap from 9:00am-10:30am, afternoon nap from 1:00am-3:00pm (though she woke up sporadically throughout), and then to bed around 7:00pm. She needed a little help to fall asleep, but that isn't unheard of (she just needs me to hold her hand). She was then out solid until about 1:00am, and then the fun began!

At 1:00am she just needed a soother reinsertion - okay, no big deal, we were actually still (sort of) awake. Then at 3:00am she woke up, and after that everything is a blur. She was happy and cooing, and I went in about 10 times to put her soother in. Eventually she got onto her belly and was all over the crib and then started crying. I went in two or three times to put her back onto her back, reinsert the soother, and walked out. Eventually she would start up crying again, so I just let her cry for awhile... felt like an hour, but I know it was only about 10 minutes. I was ticked, and I rather gruffly put her onto her back and said sternly "quiet NOW!". And she actually was (it was about 4:30am). I did now want to cave in and give her a bottle - though I knew that would have konked her out for the night. Of course, in true style of my children, she didn't make up for one second of lost sleep and was up bright-eyed and curly-tailed at 7:15am. Yuck.

She fought her morning nap too - so maybe it's not about the sleep. Let's see... what baby thing can I blame? Learning something new (sitting up), teething, over-tired, new introduction of food (mango), constipation? Who the "h" knows?! All I know is that this is one tired mommy. I can ONLY assume tonight will be better.

These are the parts of being a mom that I don't love. I don't like all the guessing, testing, trying, and changing. I seem to level out and really start to love being a mom around the one year mark - which is fast approaching with Rayya, so there is light at the end of the tunnel! I fully admit, I don't love the baby stage for that reason - too many variables. It just doesn't jive with my personality. But that's okay. I've learned that there are others who share this feeling of frustration with babies... including a few "older generation" friends, who have been very encouraging! They tell me that they often found that their friends would complain that they wanted to have babies back in the house, and they were thrilled to finally be enjoying their children once they were older. I totally feel that! I LOVE and ADORE my babies... but I do look forward to them being older.

Like right now, I absolutely can't get enough of my three year-old. Yes, three year-olds have some difficult aspects to them, but the talking and conversations just can't be beat! He's dependent, and independent. He's little, but big. He can walk on his own, but I can still hold him. He can tell me what he needs, what hurts, what he wants for lunch, where his favourite toy is, and can even play outside alone (as long as he stays in the sandbox where I can see him out the window). He sleeps through the night!!! I LOVE, love, LOVE this age! I could push pause on 2-3 years-old easily, and be happy.

Sleep Experiment - Night One

Last night I decided I would try the suggestions of a few blogger friends, and put Rayya down to bed earlier. I tell you, there is a phenomena with my children. If I have a plan to start them on a new routine they automatically do it on their own. I'm serious! She woke up yesterday morning at 7:30am (I didn't give her a bottle all night, and I've been trying to wean her off the early morning bottles for a few nights now). She was cranky and tired at 9:00am, so I put her down for a nap. She slept until about 10:45am. I put her down for her afternoon nap at 1:00pm, and though she had two soother-reinsertion wake-ups, she napped until 3:30pm. I then put her to bed about 45 minutes earlier than usual - at 7:15pm, versus 8:00pm. She was super cranky anyway, and she fell asleep no problem. Putting her to bed that early meant she didn't get her last bottle of the day, so I was not sure what to expect for her night. She slept solid until 3:00am, when she woke up and wanted her soother. She woke up again at around 6:00am, and again I just gave her the soother. She slept until 6:45am, when she got woken up by James (who was up super early), but when I put her soother in she closed her eyes and went back to sleep until 7:30am.

That's not a major improvement, because she still woke up for her soother - and I don't know what to do about those soother wake-ups. James was long done with the soother at night at this age. Rayya doesn't need it for anything but sleeping - but she doesn't even need it to fall asleep - she just seems to need it to STAY asleep.

However, it was a nice long sleep for her, and the routine was good. Today she seems to be following along perfectly. Awake at 7:30am, now down for a nap around 9:30am, and hopefully I'll be able to get her into bed a little earlier today - I'm going to try 7:00pm.

One Night On, One Night Off

Honestly, I could go in my backyard and scream right now. The words would likely be four-lettered, and unpleasant. The phrase "roll with the punches" keeps coming to my mind, but right now I say screw that!
I like consistency. I like knowing when something is going to happen, and when. I guess I'm not keen on spontaneity - at least when it comes to my kids, and sleeping. I like a basic schedule, a regular routine naptime, and a good night's sleep - for everyone.
The last 7 months have been okay as far as sleeping I guess - if you are okay with being up 3-5 times a night. These wake-ups are short, and don't require a lot of time or work, which makes it easy to pass it off as a "good night". But they are not good nights, and doing that kind of wake-up-back-to-bed routine has taken it's toll. My interrupted sleep is not good sleep at all. Have you read about the recent studies done on sleep? If you do a CT scan on the brain of a sleep-deprived person, even if it's only an hour or two, the brain patterns resemble those of a person with psychosis. I FEEL like I'm going psycho!
So this past week Rayya has been up to something a little different. Now, with the introduction of more solids, she seems to be sleeping better. However, a better night for her means that the following days' schedule of napping get screwed, and therefore her next night is bad. Today we're on the screwed up nap schedule, which means tonight will be rough. What she does is this:
• Goes to bed for the night at 8:00pm, usually without a peep.
• On a good night there will be no wake-ups, or at most one, just to put in a soother.
• She'll sleep until 5:00am, have a bottle and go back to sleep, or on a really good night, sleep through until 8:00am or so.
• If she has a good night, she will fight her morning nap usually until I give in and keep her up. If she has a bad night, she will take about an hour long nap in the morning, about 9:00am-10:00am.
• If she skips morning nap, she will fall asleep with her midday bottle, at 12:30, which is too early.
• Then she will wake up before 3:00pm, and not go back to sleep.
• If she naps well in the afternoon (two or three hours), and wakes up around 4:00pm, she will be fine until bedtime and have a good night.
• If she doesn't have a good afternoon nap, like today, she will be exhausted by 6:00pm, but that is too late for a nap, and too early for bed. Screwed! The night ahead will either be effected by a too-late nap, or an overtired baby.
I hate this routine. I've thought about letting her cry it out, but this too comes with complications. When Rayya wakes up at night, she isn't crying. She's happy. If I let her be, she just simply coos and talks to herself until she's all wide awake and hyper - and THEN I might have to try to work to put her back to sleep. It would be easier if she would cry! I can't sleep when she's babbling to herself. And you know how everything in the house seems doubly loud at night when all else is quiet? Well, so does her talking, and squealing. So it keeps me up, and potentially could wake up all the other sleepers.
All this waking and wondering and guessing and working has me right ticked. I want sleep at night, so that I have energy to look after everyone, cook a couple of meals, and not lose my patience and my mind. I can definately tell that the sporadic behaviour of little miss Rayya is making me extremely anxious. She is happy, and for that I am SO thankful - but eventually her happiness still masks sleepiness, and she needs to get that sleep. How do you fix the miss-match of a non-routine child with a thrives-on-routine mother?

UPDATE: After getting mad and causing Rayya to cry (because I wouldn't take her out of her crib, and said in a firm voice "no, it's sleeping time"), she has finally fallen to sleep again. I snuck in there to watch her, and immediately I feel guilty, and horrible for making her cry. I just pray that I can raise her to be a Godly woman, with tonnes more patience and endurance than me. I want her to love her kids more than anything, and I want her to know love and know that she is loved more than anything. All the anger melts away when I look at that little person, innocently sleeping, knowing nothing more than her mommy will be there to get her when she wakes up. Why do I get so stressed about this sleep thing? I just want to enjoy every moment, and love every moment, but I get caught up in the frustrations of the moment instead. Argh.

Rayya - 7 Months

My little birdie is 7 months old already! I can't believe how the time is flying. Well, let's see... whats new with her? She is weighing in just over 14.5 lbs - which puts her in the 10th percentile for weight, which isn't awesome. So, we have to really start feeding her good and proper - and that's great, because she is finally loving solids! Everything seems to be her favourite, but I think she really likes pears and baked nectarines (who WOULDN'T love baked nectarines?!). She is also eating lots of rice and oatmeal cereal, sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, apples, bananas, pumpkin, avocado, and soon we'll try green beans. She still has a bottle every four hours or so, but the other day she only drank four - and today only three! But that may be linked to the increase in solids. She loves Baby Mum Mum cookies - though I hate letting her have them, because she makes a huge mess with them. James was a neat freak (still is), but not this girl! No, no, no! She likes things messy!

Her sleeping is still all over the place - with most nights consisting of two or three soother-reinsertion wake-ups, and one bottle wake-up sometime around 4:00 or 5:00am. Then, it can be drastically different, like last night, which was a solid sleep from 8:30pm - 8:30am! Weird.

She is sporting two front lower teeth now, which are adorable. She can sit up, though only for short periods of time. She doesn't seem to get the point of the Jolly Jumper, and when I put her in it she sort of just swings around in drunken circles. She is very "talkative", and also loves to giggle and laugh - mostly at her big brother, the clown! Her favourite toy is a goofy dragonfly that makes kind of eery girly noises.

Still easy-going, Rayya is pretty much happy all the time. We can't complain. Even when she's tired, she will usually try to keep a happy face on. She's amazing. Our little miracle takes after her brother in that she is a bit of a traffic-stopper. I don't know what it is, but my kids seem to draw a crowd in public places. I don't mind. I'm super proud of them - and they love the attention. All in all, I'm enjoying most aspects of being a mom of two. The aspects that I'm not enjoying are a post yet to come.

Dare to Compare - Sandal Shot

James' first sandals...

Rayya's first sandals...

Heartbroken

Today my heart broke.

I was trying to get something out of a cupboard, while James stood below me and was busy telling me all about his cars. I didn't immediately answer him, because I was reading labels. Then he said, "Mommy, you are always busy".

"Yes, I am!" I replied.

"You are always so busy that you don't talk to me".

Stab me in the heart and turn the knife.

Drive me over with a Hummer.

Shoot me square in the head.

That hurt. I knew it actually wasn't the least bit true, but it hurt.

Was I really so busy that even my three year-old felt neglected?

I just felt crushed.

I came down off the chair, and just started to cry.

At that moment, Rayya decided to wake up an hour too early from her nap, meaning that now James would get even less of my attention.

Suddenly, I was overcome by the enemy.

I began to believe that I was a horrible mommy.

I don't make enough time for my kids.

I'm too busy doing unnecessary things.

I'm a waste.

I'm a failure.

I'm not beautiful.

I suck.

*insert pitiful sobs here*

The lies grew in my heart until I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to flee the house. Get away from it. Get away from all the things that made me "too busy" for my kids. So I packed them up in my tears, all the while explaining to James that I was crying because I was sad, not because of him, and that I needed to talk to grandma because I wasn't sure if I was a good mommy.

When we got to my mom's, she was outside in the yard and James immediately went to her and said, "We came over because mommy is sad and crying because she's not a good mommy."

My mom asked him, "Do you think she's a good mommy?".

Of course James said, "Yes".

But it didn't erase the damage that the enemy had done.

I was a wreck.

I still am a little bit.

I feel overwhelmed.

Lost.

Afraid... of nothing.

Get behind me satan.

Lord, keep me strong.

Stand before me, and show me Thy truth.

Engaged!

My younger brother Matt just got engaged today! I am very excited for him, because this journey has been long and rather dramatic.

I won't get into details, but Matt met Mercedes at a birthday party for my grandma five years ago. Mercedes was living at my uncle and aunt's place, as a university exchange student from Monterrey, Mexico. Admittedly, I could tell right away that they would hit it off! Matt hadn't dated much, but Mercedes was fun and bold and outgoing, and who could resist the Spanish accent?! She needed someone to show her around Winnipeg and Matt happily volunteered, and the rest is mostly history. They dated long distance for months, years actually. They saw each other for brief snippets of time in between, but never more than a few months - when Matt when out there to teach English, and for a few months when Mercedes lived in Calgary. Things didn't go smoothly for Mercedes in Calgary, and what ended up happening was that she and Matt broke up and she went back home to Mexico.

After a few months apart, they started to rekindle the relationship. Again long distance dating, they decided they had to talk face-to-face, and met half-way in McLaren, Texas for a weekend. It was obvious after they returned to their separate homes that something had changed, and that there was a future there that we hadn't seen clearly before. Now, only a few short months later, Matt and Mercedes MSN'd us from her home in Monterrey today to tell us they are engaged!

The wedding will be in Mexico next March, and we are SO excited! Mercedes has three sisters (one being her fraternal twin!), but seeing as I only have one sister-in-law, I am so happy to add another. We have lots of "getting to know" each other ahead, but it will be nice to know that Matt won't be alone in Calgary much longer. We love you Matt and Mercedes! Congratulations!

Blessings

Just celebrating all the wonderful blessings in my life...The last photo I have of Ryan and I together... I was still pregnant!

James & I at the Steinbach Aquatic Centre on our parents & son date. So much fun!

Our never-ending "Rayya Sunshine".

Rainbow of cars.

James demonstrating his flexibility at gym class.

Loving big brother smooch.