Thinking Out Loud

I guess I'm not really thinking out loud so much as I'm putting my thoughts on screen. Whatever. It doesn't matter - you know what I mean, right? I don't like it when people get hung up on saying things EXACTLY as you mean them. If you get it, then why correct it.
On to next thought...
I feel so bad for little Rayya in that where I documented James' every move and milestone of his first few years of life, Rayya is lucky to get a post on her significant monthly milestones! Poor gal! It certainly isn't because she is any less loved... but perhaps because the love has grown in our household to the point that I can't spend as much time away from my kids. I like to be with them and available to them - and not feeling the pressure to blog about them anymore. It's been good for me to lose that "burden" of feeling that I had to blog. I was afraid to lose my audience - which I know I have to some extent - but thanks to Facebook and emails, I don't feel out of touch at all. One thing to like about FB I guess.
On to next thought...
My lack of blogging is somewhat due to some other issues though. One being that my internet connection isn't always great. It's free, so I'm hardly complaining about it's malfunctions - but if its windy, if its rainy, if its too cold, if its too hot, my connection continuously fails. Argh. Annoying. But it's sunny, and not windy today, so my connection is good.
On to next thought...
My lack of blogging has also been due to the fact that I've been unmotivated - which has been one of the side effects of being heavily affected lately by high anxiety. I've been experiencing frequent periods of very high anxiety since Rayya was 5 months old - and suspiciously also the same time that I had to stop nursing. There have been moments when I have feared that I will never get to be the old me again. I've always had an anxious side to me, but not like this. Not the way I've felt it now. It builds up over a few days, and then hits a peak that can last 2-5 days. During those peak days I feel I can barely function. My thoughts whirl through my head a mile a minute, and I can't even keep up in a normal conversation. I isolate myself. I can't cook. I can't keep my patience up very long (meaning regular trips to grandma's house for sanity breaks). It's really been unpleasant.
I saw my OB about it, and she did a full panel of hormone tests. They all came back normal. Eventually, Rayya started sleeping through the night on a regular basis - and the anxiety improved quite a bit. But even one or two nights with interupted sleep, and I am back to a freak of nature.
Since then, I have established a timeline for the anxiety - which lines up perfectly with my cycle. Anxiety builds up leading up to ovulation, and then goes down, then gradually back up again leading up to menstruation and lasting for nearly that entire cycle and then down. So I can somewhat predict my worst times now, which helps. Right now I am in a very good part of the cycle, and have had very little to no anxiety during the last week. It could be that it's going to finally go away (the OB thought perhaps that my hormones were still adjusting after quitting nursing). Or maybe it's because I'm learning to be filled with the Spirit instead of with anxiety.
On to next thought...
My Bible study is taking a Beth Moore series on the Fruits of the Spirit, called "Living Beyond Yourself". We're just getting into it - but already it's been helping me "change my day", and "change my life". Beth talks about how we are to "pour out" to God each day, so that He in turn can "pour into" us. I've made it a challenge to myself to do this every morning - and wow - I have seen a complete 180 degree turn in my mood, my energy level, my attitude - my entire day is changed! It's been fabulous! Even my anxiety stands no chance against my new Spirit-lead lifestyle. I have hardly felt the effects of anxiety since I started this new daily ritual.
So perhaps this new change in my life, and the banishment of anxiety from my daily living will help me find the time and motivation to keep blogging. Perhaps there is more that I can share about our lives that can encourage you and bless you, and hopefully entertain you as well!