"I Do It!"

Some recent James quotes:

Two of my friends were over recently, one whom James sees often - Auntie Robin - and another that he doesn't see very often. They were sitting beside each other on the couch. James came over and looked at them for a bit and then said enthusiastically "TWO Robins!".

My parents have a crew of guys working on a renovation project at their house. While we were there one day, one of the men with a beard walked past the front window. James pointed and exclaimed "JESUS!". My mom has a magnet on her fridge with a picture of Jesus on it, which is why we think James associated the bearded man with Jesus.

These days, if James is doing something fun and he thinks that I am going to stop him from doing it, or get in the way, he will very politely say "Bye Mommy", wave, and expect me to leave the room.

Held by Prayers

Husband - standing by my side, still loving me.

Son - beautiful, precious, wonderful, miracle.

Family & Friends - supporting, praying, caring.

Home - cozy and comfortable.

Body - healthy, alive.

Faith - bruised, but intact.

God - ever forgiving, patient and good.

Once again, we've made it through another day with all the most important things in life in order. These are blessings, rays of sunshine through the clouds, that make me smile despite the disappointment. I feel held up emotionally and physically by your prayers today. Thank you! God is good, even in this - He is ALWAYS good.

Emotions

Today brings with it a barage of different emotions. First of all, today was the due date of the baby we lost in January. It was never clear whether it had actually been a twin pregnancy, but I suspect that it was - so I try to imagine what today would have been like if I had been holding a baby in each arm.

But the emotions of today don't stop there. Today was also the day that I was going to blog about our new baby. We've been expecting since June, and it's been so hard for me to keep it a secret until now! I couldn't wait to blog about it, because I knew that a few other bloggers had also recently posted pregnancy announcements. However, my dream of the pregnancy announcement will have to wait.

Last week I started to have some signs that things were not going well. I felt optimistic though, because I've had very strong pregnancy symptoms throughout this pregnancy - even right now! On Friday I had Ryan take me into the hospital to get checked, because I just wanted peace of mind. The Dr. ordered an ultrasound, which was scheduled for today at 1:45pm.

I actually thought we would be getting good news today, and that we would get to see our little baby at 10 weeks pregnant. The news was not good though. This time there was actually no baby present, just an empty womb at the right size for 10 weeks. But no baby.

My heart is hurting, as I'm sure you can imagine. All prayers are welcome as I go in tomorrow morning for a D & C. I know God knows what is going on... but this is hard.

For those few weeks--
I had you to myself
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks--
I came to know you
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Poem Copyright 1984 by Susan Erling Martinez

Never a Coincidence

I've come to believe in the last while that there is no such thing as a coincidence. God is ALWAYS working, and ALWAYS has a plan. From the smallest thing to the biggest thing, I believe that everything we experience in life has been created by God to teach us something, or show us something, or answer something... we just aren't always paying attention.

Early this week I was doing my devotions. I do one devotional out of a publication called InTouch magazine that I get in the mail (it's free, and you can sign up for it online here). Then I do the devotional that is right in my Sanctuary Bible. That particular day the passage that was spoken on was the same in both devotionals! Interesting. I didn't heed much attention to it, and sort of wrote it off as a coincidence because the passage didn't immediately speak to me. Later that night I had to get up for James, and couldn't get back to sleep. I started to talk to God, and He reminded me about the two matching passages from my devotionals in the evening.

"What does it mean God?" I asked. He replied, "Think about the most recent blog comments you have received."

I knew right away which comment He meant. I had received it a few days before, and had talked to God about it - but hadn't gotten a clear answer. Here was the comment, in regards to my post "The Shack: Is It Heresy?".

It really doesn't matter what you think, it matters what is. Simply put what Paul Young says next to scripture and you will see for yourself that the views he puts forward are not orthodox and are in fact heretical and that is why no one would publish the book. God the Father does not have any marks from the Crucifixion only the Son does. You are not free to reimage God in the image of a woman. He gave us a way to relate to him and it is as father.

God then revealed to me how the matching passages of Scripture answered my questions regarding this comment. This is what He told me:

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning... The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:1 & 14

This passage from John was the one that came up twice in the devotionals. I believe that God is saying that He and Jesus are One. If God so chooses to bear the wounds from the cross, He can do so - because He bore our sins upon Himself, just as much as Jesus physically bore them. The Shack is a fictional book, and the author simply chose for the sake of the storyline to have God show his hands with the nail holes. I don't believe that in the context of the book, or by Biblical standards, that this is really heresy. When I think about how Jesus was God's Son, I also think about how everything that happens to MY son also effects ME. What hurts James, hurts me. This is not indifferent with God the Father and His Son Jesus.

Secondly, God reminded me of this passage from Genesis:

"So God created man in his OWN image, in the image of God he created him; MALE and FEMALE he created them." Genesis 1:27

If God created us in His own image - and we have been created as both male and female, why could God not decide to manifest Himself as a woman if He chose to? A female is just as much made in God's image as a male. Yes, in most cases God would portray Himself as a Father, and as male. However, The Shack is still a fictional book and the author chose to show that God portrayed Himself as a woman in a portion of it. There were reasons given in the book as to why God did that. Whether God would do that in real life? I don't know. But how many songs and stories have we heard where someone was told that God would be visiting them, and instead of "God" they had an old man, a beggar woman, or a child show up at their door. In stories like that it is always revealed that God was IN those other people. It goes to show that God can do ANYTHING, and be ANYONE. I believe that's why He asks us to "love one another". You just never know when you might be in the presence of God!

I hope that helps clear some things up, but also just wanted to share with you a really great God moment. Remember, nothing is a coincidence - but a God-incidence! Try to use those moments for the glory of God.

Monkey is 21 Months

Ah, my goofy monkey! Where has the time flown away to?!

More Questions Answered...

I had a few more questions come in after my last post, so I thought I would answer them now. Two people, Nin and Dianna, asked how I met my hubby. I wish I had a long and dramatic love story, but it's not that exciting!

When I was in grade 12 I worked at a local restaurant as a waitress. Ryan was in University at the time, and came in almost every evening to drink coffee and study. Ryan and I both grew up in the same town, but he is nine years older than me so we didn't grow up really knowing each other at all. His mom and my mom have been friends for years, as his mom took art lessons with my mom. Anyway, Ryan and I became friends during that time, but I was dating someone else at the time. After I graduated I went off to Briercrest Bible College, where I again dated other guys, but kept in contact with Ryan. In fact, he was one of the few friends that actually called me regularly while I was there. When I got home that fall Ryan was the first person to contact me and get together. After that, things just continued to happen until one day we realized that we were, in fact, dating! Three years later he proposed to me on a beach in BC, and we will celebrate 5 years of marriage together on September 13th of this year. I wouldn't say it was an instant bond, but I definately always enjoyed spending time with him - the deep love developed over time. (Sadly, this is probably the most recent photo of Ryan and I together!)

Sarah asked me what I love most about my husband. That is a tough question to answer! What I really love most about Ryan is that he puts up with my moods, and seems to be willing to take the brunt of my tendency to bottle my emotions and then just suddenly explode with them! If he wasn't able to do that, our marriage would fail. I love it that he is in it with me for the long haul. I also like it that he isn't afraid to show me affection, even in public or when others are around. It makes me feel that he is proud of me, and that he want people to know that he loves me.

Lindsay asked when it was that I last laughed so hard my stomach hurt. That happened last week at Bible study when all us girls began to dance around my basement to praise & worship music!

She also asked what my best learning-to-drive story is. I think it is probably while I was in Driver's Ed. We were out doing our practice driving with the instructor, and I went through a stop sign. He slammed on his brakes, and we came to dead hault in the middle of the intersection. He was usually a pretty relaxed, happy guy - but he gave me a horrible look, and said "Excuse me, THAT was a stop sign". Oops! In my own defense, there was a large bush nearly blocking that sign which was later removed by the town.

Beach & Water Park

"Uncle Mat-you" and "Auntie 'Cedes" were out this weekend for a wedding. James had fun bonding with Uncle Matt at the beach on Sunday.

After getting all our stuff cleaned up to go, James was concerned that he wasn't "helping mommy" - so we found the lightest item for him to carry, and then he was happy.

On Monday we had a playdate with Carla and her son Gabriel at a waterpark in Winnipeg. I met Carla online, as our boys are both born within days of each other in November, 2006.

James LOVED the waterpark!

James & Gabriel hanging out.

Dancing Bible Study Divas

Well, after my post about the house-cleaning anxiety I decided to take action. I decided I would try to accomplish one chore - vacuuming. It's quick and easy, and I can do it while James is running around. So, I vacuumed our basement. It felt so good to get one thing done, that before I knew it I had cleaned the toilets, baked an apple crisp, and made a really yummy supper from scratch. It felt good, and now for some reason the house seems 100x cleaner!

I had Bible study at my place last night, and we had a great time - especially because Rebekah was back, and joined us again. I had just come home from Winnipeg, and I told the girls that as I drove home and listened to Christian tunes I just felt really moved by the Spirit. I was sad to get home and turn off the music - it was just feeling so good to be tuned in to God through music. Before long, the group of us was singing together. It sounded beautiful, and I'm sure none of us would claim to be singers! I then popped in a CD with a fantastic upbeat song called "Your Love is Beautiful", that has a "streets of Heaven" worthy bongo section in the middle. Wouldn't you know it - the Spirit lead us to get up and start dancing! So there we were, four girls dancing around my basement, singing, shouting out to God, laughing, and just having a great time in God's presence. What a blessing that was! Sometimes I'm saddened that my Mennonite roots suppress those urges to just get up and dance with Jesus. I do it all the time on my own in the privacy of my kitchen - but why is it so hard to do when others are watching? All that matters is what God thinks. From now on I am going to try a little harder to let my "charismatic" side show a little more.

Anxiety Attack

I was hit with a very out-of-the-ordinary anxiety attack today. It's not that unusual for me to be anxious - it's a weakness that I have been working to overcome - but I don't usually get anxiety about my home! Today I suddenly just felt completely overwhelmed with the state of my home. Everywhere I looked I just saw dirty floors, crumbs on the carpets, cobwebs hanging, splattered mirrors, neglected toilets, tubs, and shower... I just felt like slumping to the floor and giving up. I guess I used to be somewhat of a neat-freak, but since James came along I've really been able to give up that side of me. For a long time my mom would take James once a week so that I could spend time cleaning the house. Now that summer is here though, she hasn't had time to do that, and I've been outdoors a lot of the time too - it just seems that the dirt has caught up with me, and I feel totally disgusted. All that being said, I have no ambition to do anything about it. Maybe I've developed a lazy bone?! I just look at it all, feel overwhelmed and anxious, and then think "I don't want to do it though". What is wrong with me? Maybe just the rainy weather? Anyway, I don't think I have a point to my post - just venting about my dirty house, and my lack of ambition to clean it. I also have no ambition to cook either. Anyone else have THAT problem too?!

Meet Ike...

The latest addition to our family.

And Now to Answer...

In my last post I asked people to ask me some questions. I have spent some time thinking about each of your questions while on our recent trip to Calgary, and now I get to answer them! It was fun to do this little project, but I was hoping for a few more questions. I know that my blog has been a bit boring this summer, due to most of my time being spent outside, and computer issues. Perhaps I've lost some of my audience. Anyway, just so you know, this photo of James was taken at the Calgary Zoo. I thought I would post it so that this long post wouldn't be so boring. Anyway, here goes.

Rebekah asked me to talk about what I'd like to accomplish before I die. Before having James, the one and only thing I ever really wanted to accomplish was to have a baby. Now I have done that, but the next thing I'd like to accomplish is having another one! I loved being pregnant, and I enjoyed labour/delivery very much (yes, without drugs). I'd also really love to see Ryan and I design our own home, and have it built. I would also love to reach as many people as I can for Christ, simply by living a life that reflects Him in all I do - be it walking the street, writing on my blog, or playing with my son. I have a lot of work to do on that - it will likely take up the rest of my life. I'd love to see more of the world - but it's hard for me to say what I'd like to see most. I think I'd really love France, Italy and Spain.

Nin asked me what my most powerful "God moment" has been. I had to think about that for a long time, because every God moment is powerful! I didn't want to be cliché and say that it was the moment James was born - but that was ultimately the most amazing miracle I have ever witnessed. I think that the most powerful God moment I ever had was one evening when I was questioning God about my salvation. I was standing at the front window of our house praying, and listening to my iPOD. God told me to put my iPOD on shuffle, and that He would speak through the next song that played. I wrote down which song it was, but I can't find it right now - needless to say, it was the perfect song from God. As the song played, I felt God tell me to read a certain verse in the Bible. Anyone who knows me knows that I DO NOT know references from the Bible, so the reference God gave me meant nothing when I heard Him say it. When I went to read it (expecting it to be a verse that meant nothing like, "And Joshua was the son of Levi, and Levi the song of John, and John the son of...", you get it), it said "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". This was my firm affirmation that God plans not to harm me, and that I WILL see Heaven. It was very, very powerful!

Nin also asked what I would rather do, eat a bar of soap, or drink a bottle of dish detergent. I spent WAY too much time thinking about this! Hahaha! At first I thought I'd rather drink detergent, because it would be faster I think than chewing a bar of soap. Plus, dish detergent can come in good flavours like green apple (which I currently own). But then I thought about the small travel sized soaps, like from a hotel, and I think I'd rather eat a small one like that than drink an entire bottle of detergent. Does that answer the question, Nin?

Janelle asked me who has made the biggest influence on my life - spiritually, emotionally, etc. Of course, I could make the cliché answer again and say "Jesus"! But I decided to narrow it down to someone I know here on earth. That answer also required much thought, but in the end I would have to say that my dad has been my biggest influence. We don't see eye-to-eye on everything, but I would have to say that I have always really wanted to walk in his footsteps. He is spiritually strong - and I have admired how he has made certain choices in his life to keep himself morally pure, even when everyone else around him was saying it was okay (he has never consumed alcohol, smoked, done any drugs, etc.). My dad is also the most patient and gentle-natured person I've ever met. I can't really remember him ever raising his voice - ever. He is kind, loves kids, loves people, and always wants to give people the very best that he can offer them, even if that puts him behind. I've had the privilege of working with him, and he is a great boss. He is fair, sometimes too fair, and doesn't hold grudges. I love my dad, and I think that a lot of the things I've learned from him have made me a better person.

Jodi asked if it was weird that she reads my blog, but has never commented before. I don't think it's weird at all! I know that I have many lurkers, and I always hope and pray that I have things to say that will bless everyone who comes across my blog - whether I know you or not. I haven't gone private with my blog for this very reason - I want everyone to be welcome. It may not stay open forever, but I am glad that you come and read about my (sometimes boring) life - and the struggles and joys that I go through each day. Thank you for being a loyal reader, and for thinking that my blog is interesting enough to come and read on a regular basis. And thank you for finally commenting, it's nice to "meet" you. God bless!

Thanks for the questions ladies! I'd still gladly take more if anyone is interested. That was a lot of fun!