It seems my emotions are never sure where they are at these days. First of all, I'm a woman, so what a big surprise! Second, I am pregnant, so no surprise there either. One day I feel great. I'll be feeling confident that things are going well, positive, happy, stable. In a moment that can all change, and suddenly I'll be in a downward spiral of worry, negativity, sadness, anxiety.
It's incredibly frightening to be pregnant after a miscarriage. Nevermind two in a row. Your emotions are already shot, and sometimes you are still grieving. Then you throw yourself back into the unknown world of pregnancy again within a few months. I WANT to be positive, and have as little stress as possible. I also want to be realistic, and I don't want to try to pretend that nothing is going to happen. I also don't want to be completely negative - even though being negative sort of feels like the "right" thing to do. It feels right because it feels like by being negative, I am not setting myself up to be majorly disappointed. I know that I cannot prevent disappointment, so with this pregnancy I am trying to be positive. I want to just enjoy every day that I have with this little one, and enjoy every moment of being able to be pregnant.
Some days I start to feel like a baby-killer. I keep bringing these babies into existence, and then my body can't take care of them. I begin to feel guilty for getting pregnant over and over, when I don't know if I can even sustain pregnancy at all anymore.
Then I find myself doing internet research on progesterone, and go onto forums and read about how all kinds of different people who have had various experiences. I get myself all worried about it, far before I need to. I also get a little angry, because it seems like from all these forums and research, I feel like I do not have any Dr. that is willing to "go to work" on this for me. I read about women who are going for frequent ultrasounds, tests, etc. to ensure their babies are doing okay. I feel like I've really just been given a "now you just have to sit and wait" order. I don't like it. I want someone to be fighting for this baby's life for me! I want to have ultrasounds to confirm that there is a little heartbeat in there right now. I want tests, to ensure my hormone levels are right. Where is the person that wants to be an advocate for me? I feel like I am constantly trying to push the Dr. to do these things for me. Don't they want to see this little baby make it into the world, and into my arms? Hasn't enduring the loss of three precious pregnancies already been enough? What more do I have to go through before someone is going to take this really seriously?
And on top of it all, I want to trust in God. I feel I trust Him more right now than ever - and yet it doesn't totally erase my lingering concerns. Sometimes I find myself worrying about "what if I do lose this baby, then what am I going to think about God?". I don't want to let those thoughts sneak in, but they do - I'll admit it. I want to be healed, I want this baby to live. I just want to know that it's going to be okay - but no one can guarantee that.
I hate that the most beautiful thing in life is so marred for me. I want to be happy and enjoy this. Please pray for me.
11 comments :
I remember the frightening feeling that would always be there. Would you consider changing to a midwife? The appointments are not hurried. We would sit and have tea and talk about the issues you are facing.
The team in St-Pierre is awesome.
Just a thought.
I must say I really REALLY enjoyed having a midwife - and the St-Pierre team is wonderful. I would highly recommend to at least look into it. Its like having your mother or sister do your prenatals. Its that comfortable! :)I will pray for peace for you. I want you to be excited, too.
I feel many of those same fears Heather. When G was conceived we were in Greece where we received an ultrasound every week from the time I went in for my pregnancy test. I was also put on progesterone and my hormone levels were followed very closely. With out that, my little G probably would be with your angel babies! I know that I won't receive that care here and that scares me!!
Praying for you!
Oh Heather- it sounds like you had a rough day yesterday. I'm sorry, and yet I can see how thinking those things would be so easy to do.
I agree with Tammy, switching to another doctor (or midwife) that would be willing to go the extra mile for you. They ARE out there!!
Hang in there-- I'm praying for you and hope that you feel better today :)
I understand your fears, everytime I get pregnant I struggle with those feelings. I wonder if my first trimester is ever going to be fun again- miscarriage has stolen that.
I have had everything in place (the best doctors, meds and monitoring) and I still miscarried- I think God is the only one we can put our hope. All you can do is CHOOSE to place your hopes in God's mighty power- because only He is ABLE to give you a successful pregnancy.
I think whether or not you are monitored is based highly on your doctor- I have access to ultrasounds and whatnot because I have a fertility specialist. the average dr in canada doesn't provide this kind of service.
I'll be praying for you :)
I will never say I know how you feel, cause it never happened to me, but as a mother I could only imagine what it must feel like to have the sweetness of the possibilities, but held back by the sourness that once came for you. Walk in YOUR healing...For I know the plans I have for you...PLANS FOR GOOD...He makes ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD!! Even though I don't know you, other than on your blog, you have prayers coming your way from Saskatchewan. Expect it, cause His plans are for good for you.
I am also praying that you will find that special doctor that will understand and be there for you...someone in your corner and just as excited about this new little life as you are. Many blessings your way!!
Heather, I am praying every day that you will experience joy and peace, and that God will keep this precious baby safe and healthy.
This verse is incredibly special to my mom and I, and I wanted to share it with you - because this is what I am praying over you:
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15.13)
I am not sure how health care works in Canada but I encourage you to seek out a doctor that would monitor your pregnancy more closely. Doctors are providing you a service and if your not pleased with one then seek out another. I went to a few docs before finding my current OBGYN. Go with your instinct...
Praying lots for you Heather. May God hold you in His arms and give you a peace that come only from Him.
Totally normal feelings! And I will say that medical care in the US is a lot different. They do a lot more than CDN, it seems. I remember feeling the same way as you.
One thing to talk to your dr. about is aspirin. My friend suffered 3 or 4 miscarriages and then when she was with a different man, thought everything would be fine, but she miscarried again. She has since gone on to carry two successful pregnancies. She was taking baby aspirin as there are many clotting issues people can have that dr's don't know the names (as there are too mmany). she doesn't know if that helped or not, but she was able to have 2 full-term pregnancies while taking it.
Good luck and I truly hope only the best for you guys
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