Vaccines

Up until this evening I always fully supported vaccinations, and have had my children vaccinated with all the recommended vaccines. I don't know if James got the chickenpox vaccine... but I don't think so. I'll have to go to his records to check. Rayya has had her first two sets of vaccinations, one of those being the MMR vaccination.

I am sick to my stomach upon finding out today that the MMR vaccine and chickenpox vaccine use ABORTED FETAL TISSUE (MRC-5) in its ingredients. It was developed by using the lung and retinal tissues from two different 18 week gestationally aborted babies (aborted for pschological reasons).

I truly am devastated. This website has a chart showing the vaccines that contain this tissue, and whether or not there are certain manufacturers that make it without the use of MRC-5. Currently in Canada there are NO manufacturers that make the MMR or chickenpox vaccine without MRC-5 cells.

I don't really know what to do. Of course, I cannot undo what has already been done. The vaccines that James and Rayya have received will remain. However, you can be rest-assured that I will doing some serious praying and inquiring regarding their further vaccinations.

What in the world are we coming to people?! What in the world?!

Thunder Thigh Thursday

I am about to embark on a dangerous post... but I really, REALLY do not want to offend anyone. Now I know many of you are already thinking, "Well, then just don't post it". I could do that, and just not mention what's on my mind these days - but that is just not like me, so I'm going to go ahead with it. Again, this is not meant to offend, because just like I am about to post my personal feelings about something - everyone else also has the right to post ANYTHING that they want to on their blogs as well.

I get sad when I see so many posts that are related to weight. Be it weight lost, weight gained, weight that once was, weight that is no more, pregnancy before and after weights, the premarriage weight, the teenage weight... all these weight posts are hard for me to read. They are hard because I know that they are a stumbling block to women who have, or have had, eating disorders and self-image issues. I can honestly say this is not something I've personally struggled with, but that I have what I feel is a very high number of friends that do. I definately do have days when I'm down on my body - but they are short-lived. If I read too many weight posts, I'll often find myself judging my body more harshly.

I have heard my fair share of stories of eating disorders, even leading to months of rehab, and the constant struggle with self-image. I have friends in their mid-twenties that have had two or more babies sporting Spanx to the playground to conceal "bulges". I have had friends that are BEAUTIFUL cry about the (invisible) flab that they have gained over winter. I have heard long and sad stories of diets, drinks, pills, (the overuse and abuse of) exercise, and just a simple lack of eating altogether - even during pregnancy! These problems stem from all kinds of things, but we used to primarily blame the media. Now, I also add to that list to blame both blogs and Facebook.

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

This is a photo that was retouched by my cousin Jessica:

It just goes to prove that a fairly normal looking person, with skin flaws and dark under-eyes, can be perfect by media standards with a little computer-enhancement. I'll never forget when I heard Tyra Banks explain how during one of her bathing suit photoshoots her thighs were touching, so they made her point her toes together to make it look like they didn't. Even the best of them have thighs that touch.

So many women seem to think that they are doing themselves a favour by posting these weight struggles and successes online. I have to wonder why? Is it the motivation? The encouragement from other bloggers? I cringe when I read titles like "Weigh-In Wednesday", "Find My Fat Friday", and "So Not Skinny Sunday". What I see is a huge influx in reasons why I don't ever want to let my daughter (or son) be on the internet. Besides the usual media pressure to be "perfect", there is now the internet to add to that constant barage of images of woman - some with babies on their hip, and a toddler in the background, weighing in at about 90 pounds, and sporting a single-digit-sized pair of jeans. With all that out there on the WWW, why wouldn't she be a target for some major self-image problem? I'm scared for her.

"Anyone who reads the word but does not do what is says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror. " James 1:23

What I want her to believe with all her heart is that GOD made her in HIS image. She is perfect because that is how He created her to look. I want her to be confident in herself whether she wears a size S, M, or L, or a 2, 10 or 16. I don't want her to rely on the scale to be a means by which she measures her worth and beauty. I don't want her to rely on the image in the mirror. I want her to rely on herself, her family, her best friends, and ultimately, her Father in Heaven. I don't want her to see fat or flab - I want her to see a BODY. A temporary body. It's function? To house her spirit.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised". Proverbs 31:30

A body comes in all shapes and sizes. I will likely never be a single-digit-sized woman. My body wasn't designed to be. And you know what? I'm actually totally fine with that. Really, I am. I want to be healthy - and that is what is important. If I need to lose weight for that purpose, then I will try to by making healthier choices and exercising regularly (in my personal opinion, a two-story house and a toddler IS an exercise program). I want my daughter (and son too) to value inner beauty. I want her to value what's real, and what matters. I want her to feel good with make-up on, and without any on. I want her to smile with her teeth showing, even if they aren't perfect (mine sure aren't).

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair, and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful." 1 Peter 3:3-5

So, these are my thoughts on weight loss blog posts. This is my call to women to believe they are beautiful NO MATTER WHAT! More importantly, if you need to lose weight, consider keeping it private. Find an online support group separate from your blog, or close friends to keep accountable to. You just never know who is watching, reading, and comparing.

Sleep Issues

How long ago was it that I posted that Rayya is a good sleeper? I think I must have been delirious - perhaps from too much sleep from one or two good nights in a row, or perhaps from the lack of sleep. I'm not sure, but I recant that statement. Rayya is NOT a good sleeper, and hasn't been for a few weeks now.

I'm still glad that she isn't as bad as James was in the sleep department. However, what makes her sleep issues worse than his is that:

a) I now have two kids to look after during the day, requiring more energy. One of them being three, and needing LOTS of energy.

b) With one kid only taking one nap a day, I don't have the option of napping when baby does.

c) One kid also needs meals made for him, and when I don't have the energy, I can't just say "Supper is up to you tonight, I'm too tired".

So, Rayya's sleep issues are really bothersome for me. I also am not a great person with lack of sleep. Even just a few less hours than usual makes me into a walking time bomb. I start to feel like I'm going to lose my mind, and everything bugs me. My patience disappears, and my ambition totally depletes. It's not a good scene. This mama needs her sleep! I'd venture to say that after a week or more with less than 5 hours of sleep in a row each night I am usually on the verge of depression - and that's no joke!

What she is doing is that she is no longer sleeping the long and beautiful 8-10 straight hours like she did a few months back. It truly was beautiful. Now, she is usually going down to sleep at 8:00pm, and waking anytime between 11:00 and midnight for a bottle (which I don't mind, usually I'm still pretty much awake). She'll usually fall right back to sleep, and then potentially be up zero to ten times between midnight at 4:00am. Usually, it just requires that I stick her soother in. But then it takes me some time to fall back to sleep, and it seems that usually as I am just getting warm and dozing off, she wakes up again. She used to often just fall back to sleep on her own, but these days she goes off like a fire alarm - loud and long! Then, I'll usually give her another bottle between 4:00am and 5:00am, because at that point it seems she is very adamant that she needs a bottle and not just the soother. Usually she will fall back to sleep, and then wake up anytime between 6:00am (too early) and 8:00am (decent). This is a frustrating sleep pattern, and I am not pleased. There is too much getting up. I don't know when she lost the art of self-soothing, and I don't think she is hungry.

I'd love to just let her cry-it-out now, but that comes with consequences, which is why I haven't done it yet. She doesn't cry much, but when she does, LOOK OUT WORLD! This girl has lungs. The crying is LOUD. It is much louder and emotionally draining than James' crying ever was. So if I let her cry, the whole household is going to be awake for the duration. I'm not a fan.

This causes me to sort of grin-and-bear-it for now, but I'll admit I'm not really succeeding at that either. I'm tired, and I just want to sleep a straight 8 hour stretch again. I can do ANYTHING with sleep like that, and tolerate a lot more too. I guess we'll likely have to suck it up and let her cry a few nights, even if that means we're ALL awake. Not cool.

Faith, or Lack Thereof?

No, I don't really think I'm lacking faith... I just seem to ebb and flow in my excitement for it. I'm told this is normal, and that we all "drift" - but I don't like drifting. I suppose coming off the high of Rayya's miraculous birth has caused a sort of anti-climactic feeling in me. That, and toss in life with two kids, a husband, exhaustion and you have a recipe for someone who lacks ambition to pursue almost anything - nevermind devotions, Bible Study homework, quality prayer time, and in general, a vivacious life in faith. I foresee this improving however, perhaps with more nice weather, and an influx of vitamin D back into my life.
I certainly think I've hit the doldrums of winter. I feel a little... blah. I'm finding myself being very negative, easily irritated, bored (with the exception of my new quilt-making fetish, which is helping the boredom disappear), and sometimes just downright angry. This, I don't believe, is me. So I am eagerly awaiting Spring, and all the fun things that I have to look forward to with that. I can't wait to puddle jump with James in my new rubber boots from Superstore (I love the Joe line), take the kids for walks in the stroller again, let Rayya lay on a blanket in the sun, go to the playground, walk to the store, have picnics, chase tricycles, swim in the pool, play in the sandbox... the list goes on and on. Oh, how I cannot wait for Spring!

Randoms

CAUTION: In this post there is a photo of human toddler fecal matter. Just warning you.

Playing dress-up and having a photoshoot in clothes knitted by my grandma.

The potty training is complete, however, when James poops, EVERYONE in the household has to come to see it. Grandpa Plett decided to bless us with a picture of one such viewing.

Good Mommy Moment: a fancy nightsnack.

Rayya tries out a cookie.

Haning out with grandma Kroeker.

James in some kind of snag.

And last but not least, one of those discoveries that makes me smile. I love being a mom!

Five Months - Rayya

My five month-old is truly a blessing. Rayya Katherine Faith is just a beautiful little creature. She is nearly happy all the time. I pretty much have all her cries figured out, so when she does cry, I can usually take care of it pretty quickly. When she cries, it is LOUD. Ryan keeps earplugs around, just in case. Rayya is rolling over now, though very rarely, from front to back, and sometimes from back to front. She keeps trying to scoot now, so I don't think we're too far away from seeing her attempting to crawl. She's had two tastes of rice cereal. The first one was very unsuccessful. I tried again two weeks later, and she seemed a lot more interested. She is a really good night sleeper, and that isn't to rub it in to anyone who currently has a kid who isn't. I've been in your shoes - it is PAINFUL to read about a good sleeper when your kid isn't sleeping well. I'll spare you all the details for that reason, and keep it at she sleeps well. Rayya loves her excersaucer now, and consistently spins one of the toys on it over and over again. She smiles at everyone, which is usually also accompanied by a whole tonne of drool. This kid is ALWAYS soaked. She nearly has her first two teeth - they are swollen, and trying to make their way out. This doesn't seem to bother her much, but she has had a few off nights lately and I wonder if it's teething. She loves to "talk", and often can be heard chattering to herself in her crib. She still loves diaper changes and baths, and being naked. Like her brother, she has pretty much no use for her soother, though she does like to start out the night and naptimes with it. Otherwise, the soother is just another toy to her. Her favourite things to play with are a Lamaze princess toy, a little stuffed bunny, and a Mexican rattle. That's all I can think of... I'm writing this with a splitting headache, so I wonder if it will make any sense when I read it back!

Inadequate

I'm not always the mommy, or the wife, or the daugher, or the sister, or the friend that I want to be. I look in the mirror and think that I should really be so much more, to so many more, and yet there I am. I am just me. On my off-days, which I'm having today, I rake myself over the coals a lot.

I should do more fun things with James.
I should be reading more books to Rayya.
I should be cooking up better meals for Ryan, and being a better wife.
I should send my brother a care package.
I should write my mom a thank you note for all she does.
I should pray for this friend, that friend, those friends, invite them for lunch, make them a meal.

But I am just me. I can't do it all, though I want to. I can't make things perfect, but I try to. I can't fix everything, but I pretend to. I can't be everywhere, do everything... but I wish I could. I wish that every day could feel like a good day. I wish I could always go to God first, and let Him walk me through the bad days instead of just trying to push through them by myself. I wish I could always feel proud and good about myself, and what I've done. But I don't.
I lack joy sometimes. I lack peace a lot of the time. I lack patience most of the time. I lack kindness and goodness once in a while, and faithfulness sometimes. Today gentleness and self-control are particularly lacking. I feel inadequate. Do you ever feel like that? Where you just can't get it right?
Yes, it's a full blown pity party. Cry me a river. But I think it's the lack of sun, lack of warmth, lack of summer. I want summer! Summer, I miss you!

Beautiful

Sometimes you read things, and it changes you. I read this post today, and it changed me. I can't stop the tears from falling. I wonder if I would be able to be strong in this same situation. What strikes me so hard is this line, "Love me. Love me. I am not what you expected, but oh, please love me". My heart breaks into a million pieces every time I read those words. I think I can say I would - I would love. I would love, and love, and love. Yes, I think I most definately would.

More Potty Training & Formula Feeding

James' potty training was going great - we had 5 straight days of no accidents! Then, he got lazy (or so we think). The last two days have had a few "I didn't get there in time" accidents, including one poop. Ew. So, today we're back to the constant reminders and keeping a close eye on things instead of just trusting that he'll use the potty, and then come to tell us. Hopefully he'll get back into his accident-free groove again. It's still really good though, and I am SO glad to be on the home stretch of having him trained. What a relief!

So on to Rayya. Rayya has been on the bottle now since the New Year. I started her off with 4oz. bottles, and a size 2 nipple (Avent), and she drinks every three hours. She has a hard time finishing off 4oz. most of the time, and often I have to go back after an hour or so and coax her to finish off the last ounce or so. I've tried upping the nipple slow to a 3, but that is too fast for her, and she spits half of it out. Using the size 2 nipple it can take 20 minutes or more for her to finish 4oz. James at this age was guzzling 6oz. easily in a feeding, and was usually going about four hours in between. I'm okay with Rayya eating every three hours, but with her just barely getting in 4oz., that equals five and only SOMETIMES six bottles a day. That comes to about 20-24oz. in a 24 hour period - which at best is the lowest that I've ever seen recommended for a baby her age. The rule of thumb is usually 2.5oz. per lb., and Rayya is about 13lbs, which would make her recommended formula intake 32.5oz. I'm not sure if it really matters. She's content, sleeping well, and I think gaining well - though I'm gauging that simply from the perspective that she has a few rolls, and looks healthy. What do you think? Do I need to go by the book on this, or just let her eat as much (or as little) as she wants?