Emotions

My emotions are on a constant rollercoaster. Some of it might be due to hormones, but I feel like I am in a constant, and extremely tiring, battle with fear. Most days I just try to keep busy, but it's hard to keep busy when I'm feeling exhausted. I don't sleep well, because when I try to rest my mind it seems to want to immediately fall into dark places. I've been worried that I might be teetering on the edge of some kind of breakdown - emotional, mental, I don't know. I feel horribly weak, both spiritually and physically. I do have moments of great happiness, but they are always quickly followed by feelings of despair. I'll find myself daydreaming about holding a new baby in my arms, and then *snap*! Suddenly I find myself thinking about being in that ultrasound room, going in with optimism and then being stabbed in the heart with the news that the baby didn't make it. The truth is, I have a lot of optimism about this pregnancy, and it is scaring the living daylights out of me to be so sure. I've been praying for a fortress to be built surrounding my thought life. I'll find myself getting excited, making plans for the future, and thinking about baby names... and then I get terrified, because what if the reality is that there is, once again, no living baby? Can I handle that blow for a third time in a row? I'm so certain that this baby is going to be our arms, but then, wasn't I so certain last time? And the time before that? Last time I believed the voice that told me the baby was going to be fine, which voice is the truth this time? Oh Lord, please have mercy on me.