A Bit More Detail

Alright, so now that I've relaxed some I can tell you how things went today. First off, I knew that I had an army praying for me. A STRONG army, and it gave me so much hope that I found the strength last night to plead my case to Christ. In the morning my hope had been renewed, and I BELIEVED I could see a miracle happen. I told my hubby that I was going in with "my guns a blazin'"! There was a particular tech that I didn't want to have (again), but that was the only prayer NOT answered. I had the same old technician - but we didn't have to be in the "room of gloom". We were in a different room than I had been in before. He was nicer than usual, and more talkative which really helped me to relax. He didn't say much, but eventually he asked if my husband would want to come in and see. I said "yes"! When he left to get Ryan he told me that everything looked fine. When he came back he showed the baby to us. Heart was beating, and it had little arms and legs, and even turned to look at us! It wiggled around a lot! It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I kept this page of verses with me during the ultrasound, and they really encouraged me. Thanks to everyone who shared special verses and songs with me. I listened and read ALL of them.

When I got home, my DOPPLER had arrived! I didn't win the one from Ebay though. I found a Canadian company online called "Dopplers to Diapers" who rent out hospital quality dopplers! They sent it to me within two days! I tried it out this afternoon, and guess what?! I heard a nice strong heartbeat right away! From my count it was 168 beats per minute. I have it for a month (or longer if I choose). I think this thing will be my new best buddy.

As far as baby goes, there are still lots of questions. Why the signs of trouble (which haven't totally gone away)? Why the dropping hormone level? I really hope that these are just little hiccups, and that we have nothing further to worry about. The stats of losing a baby after 11 weeks are pretty tiny. Keep us in your prayers!

Oh, and I finally snapped a belly picture this afternoon (as seen above)! I love how the sun is washing over the photo. Just God's love pouring out on us.

BABY IS FINE

I can hardly type, my fingers are shaking! Our baby is TOTALLY, completely, 100% fine right now. It had little arms and legs showing now, and was moving around, and turned it's head and looked at us. There is no sign of any problems. What is going on? I don't know, but I'm thinking miracle. It has to be a miracle. It just HAS to be! I have so much more to say, but I have a million emails and calls to make. PRAISE GOD, JUST PRAISE GOD EVERYONE! Put on some music and jump for joy to HIM today - for me, and for us! Hugs to you all! It's a good day. Oh, and of course I wasn't thinking about getting photos again, so I didn't get any. But I'll try to find some that look about right.

Waiting

Well, today wasn't the best day. I woke up in the morning with signs of trouble with the pregnancy. I called my OB and she sent me for an HCG Beta test. While I was at the hospital, the signs of a problem got worse, so I went into emergency to see a Dr. He confirmed that my uterus was measuring right for 11 weeks, and my cervix is closed - but these things have always happened with my other miscarriages too. He did schedule me for an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 10:45am. This feels like the story of my life... back to that same horrible ultrasound room... the room of gloom. Later when we got home the OB office called with the results of the beta test. My levels are dropping, which is not good. They should be doubling. So, it is with a huge sadness in my heart that we prepare for the worst tomorrow. Admittedly, I've lost hope for a miracle. I wish I could, but the hope is gone. I was sitting here staring at the phone, wondering who to call. Who can help me? And then I realized, God doesn't have a phone number. He is the only One who can help. He is the only one who can heal. But He doesn't have a phone, and I can't call Him. So, now we wait...

New Hiding Spot

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Fight the Fear

I am actually not totally surprised that some fears about my pregnancy have started to creep back in this week. I don't know that pregnancy will ever be the same for me again after this past year of pain and disappointment. The ultrasound definately helped to calm my nerves, and take away some of my anxiety - but it seems to want to come back now. My obstetrician had told me I could go off the progesterone if the ultrasound came back with positive results. I was too scared to go off of it right away, so I kept taking it for another full week. Even though the latest that I ever lost a baby was at 8 weeks, which was my first miscarriage, I could not be completely guaranteed that the baby would make it even though it was seen at 9.5 weeks. Yesterday was my first day not taking the progesterone, with my plan being to take it every-other day now until 12 weeks, which seems to be the normal time to go off of it. Nothing major happened, but it seemed like some of my regular pregnancy "bodily functions" changed a little bit. I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'm trying not to worry. Perhaps I will try to go to the public health nurse on Monday, and see if she can find the heartbeat. I've actually put a bid on a fetal doppler on Ebay, because I think I will need it for reassurance throughout this pregnancy! I hope I win it! If you think to pray for me, I would really appreciate it. I just need strength to get through these last few weeks and into the 2nd trimester. No guarantees that it will solve all my fear issues, but at least I know that most of the "stats" would be on my side at that point. For the sake of interest, after a Google search, one study showed that the chance of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat at 9 weeks was less than 0.7%. You'd think that would be enough to give me some peace!

I Love My Tub

Yes, this is me in the bathtub. Too graphic? So sorry. But I just had to talk about how much I have been LOVIN' my tub! I don't know that there are many other things that can end my day better than sneaking up to the bathtub after James goes down for the night. I light up my vanilla candle, pour in some yummy bubble bath, stick on my blow-up backrest, and just sink into the warm water. The worries and stress of the day just melt into the suds. Sometimes I'll open my eyes, not even knowing that I had closed them, and have no idea how much time has actually passed. The aches and pains I've had lately also seem to soak right into the water, and I feel so much better when I crawl into bed. No, I couldn't take baths to replace the daily shower. Baths are simply for moments like this, when you have nothing else to do, and you just want to unwind. Ahhhhhhh... I just love a good tub!

Hoarder

I have a problem, and I need to admit it. I think I'm a hoarder. Or, a compulsize shopper. Or, a grocery pack-rat. Whatever the actual problem is, I need to get it under control. I find myself overwhelmed by how much grocery items I have on hand - and yet I feel that I so rarely actually get around to using them up. When I go shopping, I'll stock up on sale items, and then come home to find that I still have many of these items already. I also just feel like I have too much! I don't think I even really use half of it. I like having certain things on hand, just in case. I also have a sort of "collection" of some things, like spices. I love spices! However, I don't use hardly any of the unusual ones because James would never eat them (too spicy, or whatever). We also seem to have multiples of a lot of things. For example, several different kinds of hot sauces, cereals, crackers, chips and other snacks. I open my cupboards to a huge, unorganized, unused mess. What do I do? When I go through it, I find that most things are still good, or I feel I'll use it up "eventually", so I end up keeping most of it. I believe there is a can of hot chocolate powder from the early 90's in the back of the pantry. I also feel it would be a huge waste to just throw away the stuff I didn't think we'd use - but I can't get myself to throw much of it out. I feel it WILL get used, and thus, the problem. I don't know what to do about all this food. Our house isn't built for big-time food storage. At least I know that we would never starve if we got stormed in or something like that. The meals would be interesting, but there certainly wouldn't be a lack of food.

PRAISE

It is with GREAT joy, and a THANKFUL and HUMBLE heart, that I announce to you the wonderful news that this morning we got to see a healthy baby with a heartbeat!!! There does not appear to be any complications, and baby measures an exact 9 weeks 2 days - which was what we had thought. Our dear baby is very likely to survive at this point, and will be due on September 15th. All I can say is THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! Not just to my gracious Father in Heaven, but also to all of you. I know you have prayed, and I know you will continue to do so. THANK YOU so much for supporting us. Today is the best day I've had in over a year! The photo is not of our baby - we couldn't get pictures - but he/she looked just like this.

Day-Brighteners

I had to get myself out of this morning's little funk, so I took some initiative to get myself busy. First, I made a few phone calls to people I could cry with, and that felt much better. I also got a few fantastic emails from friends who are praying for me. Then I set up a lunch date with my dad and my brother - two people who I always have great conversations with, and who always have a nice way of NOT talking about my problems, and getting me to thinking about other things (like a new park across the river from our house). I then took home a piece of Skor cheesecake so that I could munch on it while I typed this new post. I'm sure the sugar and caffeine from the 3 glasses of homemade iced tea I drank are also helping boost my mood. My day was brightened even moreso when I stopped at the Post Office, and had the great surprise of a PARCEL PICK-UP notice in my box! Woohoo! I LOVE parcel pick-up notices! It was an order of books that I had made on Amazon. I can barely put down these two books, they are amazing! Here's my report:

I was watching a rare moment of Oprah a few weeks back. She had Dr. Oz on, as well as a guy named David Zinczenko. They were discussing child obesity. I have lately been inspired to make better meals for James, because he is living in a generation that seems to be losing the weight battle - and I don't want to see him suffer. However, I'm the kind of person that can't just be told "don't give your kids Kraft Dinner, it has a million calories". I need someone to say, "instead of giving your kids Kraft Dinner, rather give them canned tomato pasta, like Spaghetti O's". I like alternative options - and specific examples. This particular show was dedicated to doing just that. They even had a quiz, listing two different menu items from different common restaurants and getting the audience to pick the one they thought was healthiest. They got almost all of them wrong! I was really intrigued, and decided to look into getting Zinczenko's books. One is called "Eat This Not That: The Ultimate Guide to What to Eat When", and the other is "Eat This Not That! For Kids". These books are AWESOME! I'm now really inspired to make better choices, and I love that it covers everything from homemade foods to fast foods, canned goods, to frozen entrees. The books also feature full colour pictures of almost all the items they talk about. I think it will be a really great investment of a mere $16.02 per book (a friend of mine also ordered one, so we got free shipping). I would highly recommend these books! The one for kids also gives some great school lunch options that I would have never thought about - I can't wait to refer to it when I start making lunches for James.

Emotions

My emotions are on a constant rollercoaster. Some of it might be due to hormones, but I feel like I am in a constant, and extremely tiring, battle with fear. Most days I just try to keep busy, but it's hard to keep busy when I'm feeling exhausted. I don't sleep well, because when I try to rest my mind it seems to want to immediately fall into dark places. I've been worried that I might be teetering on the edge of some kind of breakdown - emotional, mental, I don't know. I feel horribly weak, both spiritually and physically. I do have moments of great happiness, but they are always quickly followed by feelings of despair. I'll find myself daydreaming about holding a new baby in my arms, and then *snap*! Suddenly I find myself thinking about being in that ultrasound room, going in with optimism and then being stabbed in the heart with the news that the baby didn't make it. The truth is, I have a lot of optimism about this pregnancy, and it is scaring the living daylights out of me to be so sure. I've been praying for a fortress to be built surrounding my thought life. I'll find myself getting excited, making plans for the future, and thinking about baby names... and then I get terrified, because what if the reality is that there is, once again, no living baby? Can I handle that blow for a third time in a row? I'm so certain that this baby is going to be our arms, but then, wasn't I so certain last time? And the time before that? Last time I believed the voice that told me the baby was going to be fine, which voice is the truth this time? Oh Lord, please have mercy on me.

So Thankful

Thank You, Lord, for letting me experience the beauty of pregnancy and birth.
Thank You for the little mittens that sit on the ledge in the entrance.

Thank You for the tiny boots that sit next to mine in puddles of muddy water.

Thank You for the mini toothbrush left behind on the sink, with crusty toothpaste stuck in the bristles.

Thank You for every dirty diaper I've had the privilege to change.

Thank You for letting me wrap a baby up tight, nurse him, and rock him to sleep.

Thank You that I get to put that little one to bed every night, say prayers with him, and kiss him good night.

Thank You that our home is decorated in every corner with little toys.

Thank You for the messy spots on my windows.

Thank You that I get to fold tiny socks in my laundry.

Thank You that I get to vaccuum up salt & vinegar chips that became breakfast.

Thank You so much Lord, for letting me have James.

Amen.

Praises!

This morning a friend called, and reminded me to be thankful for my blessings. I appreciated the reminder, and started off this morning by just being thankful. Sometimes I think I would want my life to be different, and yet when I really ponder what it is I would change... I can't think of anything! Mostly I just wish I could be a better person, and that my thought life would be more positive and God-centered.
I had more to be thankful for later in the morning when I had to run to the bathroom to puke. I have never puked in any of my miscarried pregnancies. Being bent over the toilet to me is a blessing - a sign that my body is doing what it is supposed to do. I was also thankful that I had felt the on-coming upchuck, and cleaned the toilet earlier that morning. It smelled like bleach.
Then, I was blessed again by another phone call. This one was from my Dr.'s office, calling to tell me that I am booked for an early ultrasound in a few weeks! Praise God! I had been feeling a lot of pressure to go to the Babymoon ultrasound for a sneak peak - but something inside was saying, "Just wait, be patient, TRUST in ME". So everytime I would start to get paranoid and think about when I could go to Babymoon, I tried to just tell myself that God wanted me to trust Him. So now I can look forward to seeing my baby in a few weeks, and getting some peace of mind before I have to stop taking the progesterone. You can't imagine how thankful I am for all of your prayers. I know you have all been praying that I'll have peace, and now I know that I will get a little bit more peace in a few weeks.
It never ceases to amaze me that God always comes through. Sure, it's easy to say that when things are going good - but it reminds me that He truly does want the best for me.

Boredom Buster

Thinking about the Twins

A year ago today Ryan and I found out we had lost twins, which was the first pregnancy after James was born. I don't want to spend time thinking about that day, but I do want to think about what life might have been like right now if the twins had lived! First of all, it would be completely chaotic here! It's hard to imagine what it would look like to have two 5 month olds, and a two year-old. Hahahaha! I think God may have known me well enough to know that I may not have been totally able to handle that. However, He likely would have provided me strength to make it work - and I know I would have loved it. Our family would likely have been nearly complete, and we would probably be on the lookout for a new (larger) home - or at least drawing up the plans to build a new one. I wonder who they were - two girls, two boys, or one of each? I sometimes remember the vision I got of a boy and girl on Jesus' lap, so I like to think it was one of each. I am thankful that those little ones are with Jesus now, and I very much look forward to meeting my twins someday. It hasn't escaped my mind that perhaps that little fluke of nature could happen again... could I be carrying twins again this time? (The clothes in the photo are outfits I've bought for this baby, be it a girl or a boy).

I had an appointment with my Dr. today, and things appear to be going smoothly. It's still very much a "time will tell" situation. I have requested an early ultrasound, which she is looking into, but there are no promises that I will get a sneak peak at this little one.

Admittedly, I am not handling the anxiety very well. I am often overwhelmed with emotions, and concerns for this baby. Time seems to be ticking very slowly right now, but I know that come the 14 week mark things are going to drastically speed up! Ryan and I got to have a nice quiet lunch together today on our way home from the Dr. We discussed our plans to rearrange the house a little bit, so that James will have his own room upstairs. I am getting excited to make the changes - even though it will make things a little cramped in other areas of the house. I've always wanted to make my kid's rooms really special - and this is my chance. My favourite idea: making one of the crawl spaces in his room into a special playing area/hideout.

On Tuesday of this week my friend Jeryn and her son Hayden (also two), invited James and I to go to the Manitoba Children's Museum in Winnipeg at the Forks. We had a great time! I didn't really have the energy or ambition to go - but I was starting to feel sorry for James, and knew he needed the time out to do something fun and special. He loved it, as he usually does. I am glad I sucked it up and took him - he seems to be a little bit of a different kid since our day out.

Trust

In 1859 a man named Emile Blondin was the first person to walk a tightrope over the Niagra Falls, from the U.S. side to the Canadian side. Over the years he proved to be quite the showman, doing a somersault in the middle of the rope and then continuing to walk across it, walking across in a gorilla suit, pushing a wheelbarrow across, etc. One day he asked the crowd of 100,000 if they believed he could walk across the rope with a man on his back. The crowd chanted "We believe! We believe!". Mr. Blondin then asked the crowd if someone would please step forward and volunteer. The crowd stood quiet. Eventually Blondin's manager came forward, and Blondin successfully walked over the rope with this man on his back.

How often do we claim to believe and trust in God, and yet when it comes time to prove it, we cannot give up our lives to Him completely. I am guilty of this. I WANT to trust God, in fact, I likely have said that I do in many cases. But right now, when it's truly time to hand everything over to Him, I can't let go. I don't entirely trust Him to fulfill my needs the way I want them to be fulfilled. I almost convince myself that if I do trust Him, I am going to end up disappointed, because surely God's will for me is never the same as my own. Do you ever struggle with giving things up to God? How do you get past your fear of disappointment?

Pregnancy Progress

Well, according to my ticker I am six weeks pregnant. I sure do hope that I am six weeks pregnant, and I sure do hope (and believe) that there is a six week old baby living cozily inside my womb right now. The tough part is having no way to really know. The waiting nearly drives me insane. I have to make a huge conscious effort to keep busy, otherwise my mind wanders off to dark places. My previous miscarriage history is as follows:

First Pregnancy - signs of miscarriage at 14 weeks, baby was approx. 8 weeks

Second Pregnancy - JAMES IS BORN!

Third Pregnancy - signs of miscarriage at 11 weeks, babies were approx. 6 weeks

Fourth Pregnancy - signs of miscarriage at 10 weeks, no baby present

It would appear so far that there have been no signs of any major problems. In my last three pregnancies, I had early bleeding which required me to have a WinRho shot within the first few weeks of pregnancy because I am RhNeg. This pregnancy I have not experienced any bleeding, which I am taking to be a good sign. The bleeding I had with James was a minor "yolk sac bleed" which is apparently common, but not always seen because early ultrasounds are not always done. In my first and third pregnancy, it was noted on the ultrasound report that there was large "subchorionic bleeding" shown - the same kind of bleeding I had with James, except lethal in these cases. There is nothing that can really be done to prevent these bleeds - however, taking progesterone, and avoiding intercourse is suggested as being some ways to help prevent it. So, I am hoping and praying that it will do the trick. I am also taking "baby aspirin" as per several people's suggestions. I feel like a regular pill popper! But I'll do anything I can to help this little one survive.

When I take time to think about how complex it is for that little being to come to life - how many cells connect, build and grow, it makes it seem almost unreal that ANY baby can really make it. Looking at James, how beautifully and wonderfully made he is, is so truly amazing. When I can see the veins in his hands, the hairs on his head, his ears, his fingers... all in the right place, working as they are supposed to. What a miracle! How AMAZING! God is so good to us.

My pregnancy symptoms are all of the usuals. I am exhausted, and I don't recall being exhausted like this in any of my pregnancies except with James. I am bloated, gassy, irritable, and constipated. Body parts are growing (just graduated to a larger bra this week), tender and unhappy. I am also feeling more and more nauseous - but this time around my nausea hits the worst at night, so I've been having trouble sleeping. I think that this is because I take the progesterone at night. It's completely possible that the progesterone is providing all of these symptoms for me, and masking other problems - but I am hoping that it is simply helping my body do what it is supposed to be doing right now. I don't really think I am showing at all - I can't remember when that happens? The bloating makes me look about 4 months pregnant right now. I appreciate all your prayers and support. I do feel it, because I have a lot more peace than I thought I would. I'll keep you updated.

Jamers

I was going to write something like, "So, what has James been up to lately?", but realized it's more like, "What HASN'T James been up to lately?!". James is a very, super active two year-old. Since getting home from Maui James has been a handful to say the least. I mean this in both a positive and negative way. He is usually happy, and has very rare grumpy moments. He only gets grumpy when I have to finally put my foot down and say "NO". Lately, I've been saying those words a lot more than usual, as well as "stop that", "please don't do that", "get off of there", "not right now", "listen to mommy", "listen to mommy please", "LISTEN TO MOMMY"! James seems to have gone deaf over the last few weeks. He has developed a serious case of Selective Hearing. It can be quite frustrating - especially at inconvenient times. For example, when he running at full speed with the mini cart through the store and I can't catch him. For this exhausted, prego-mama it is a lot of work to keep up these days. I think we are all looking forward to warmer weather!

I wasn't intending on complaining about James though - just stating the truth of his current stage. He is growing like a week, going from 34" tall in October, to a full 35" tall as of this morning. He is weighing in at about 26 lbs, which isn't big - he's really mostly muscle. With all the action, there's no way he can keep on weight, so I don't limit his diet of healthy fats. He still drinks lots of homo milk, lots of cheese, etc. He's a great eater, I can't complain about that! He will try a lot of things, and is getting better and better at eating a variety of foods. I am also getting better at tayloring our meals to work for everyone.

James is not anywhere NEAR potty training (see photo to the left). I had been all motivated the other day when I got a $3 off coupon for Pull-Ups, so I went and picked up some cool Cars ones. James has occassionally sat on his potty, and on the big potty - but never pooped or peed in it yet. I tried to make the start of training fun and exciting, but it had the opposite effect. He is now totally determined NOT to be on the potty. So, I'm not pushing it. I'll wait for more "signs of readiness" and try again in a month or two. It might be easier to wait until summer, we'll see.

James is an entertainer. He is an acrobat. He doesn't stop moving, talking, joking, tickling, jumping, singing, playing... EVER. He really is one of the happiest, fun kids I've ever known! He is always a complete goofball. It's so fun to watch him play imaginary things with his toys - particularly his Hot Wheels. Listening in to the conversation never ceases to be entertainging. One such conversation might go like this:

"Hello! How you doing? (noises inserted) Fill up the gas, OK! Thank you! (noises) 'Scuse me, thank you. Want some? No thanks. OK! Bye, see you soon!".

It's hilarious. He is also addicted to cartoons, which is a dream for prego-mama, because I definately need more rest time these days. He'll watch anything and everything, but really likes Toopi & Binoo, Diego, and Dora. I do still limit his TV watching, which he is usually totally fine with as long as HE gets to turn off the TV. He is very insistent that most of the time it's "MY TURN!".

It seems like yesterday that I was picking up 3 month clothes for him, and now it's 3T! I just noticed yesterday that I need to get him some new socks. Didn't I JUST buy him 24 month socks? It's crazy how fast he's growing. He's just barely fitting into his winter snowsuit from last year now - and the new one waits in the closet for next year. I'm determined to make this one last until Spring. At a baby shower James got a pair of size 7 rubber boots (classic black, with orange soles), and it seemed like it would be forever until he would wear them. Now I am already envisioning him wearing them this Spring in the puddles in the backyard. I try to savour every moment with him. I know that this is a very special time we have right now, before the new baby arrives. What will James think when my attention is divided? I want to just give him as much as I can right now. He is so sweet, loveable, huggable, adorable. I could never, ever has guessed I would have such a bright, intelligent beautiful little boy. I love him beyond words, and thank God for Him every day.

Upswing, Downswing

It seems my emotions are never sure where they are at these days. First of all, I'm a woman, so what a big surprise! Second, I am pregnant, so no surprise there either. One day I feel great. I'll be feeling confident that things are going well, positive, happy, stable. In a moment that can all change, and suddenly I'll be in a downward spiral of worry, negativity, sadness, anxiety.
It's incredibly frightening to be pregnant after a miscarriage. Nevermind two in a row. Your emotions are already shot, and sometimes you are still grieving. Then you throw yourself back into the unknown world of pregnancy again within a few months. I WANT to be positive, and have as little stress as possible. I also want to be realistic, and I don't want to try to pretend that nothing is going to happen. I also don't want to be completely negative - even though being negative sort of feels like the "right" thing to do. It feels right because it feels like by being negative, I am not setting myself up to be majorly disappointed. I know that I cannot prevent disappointment, so with this pregnancy I am trying to be positive. I want to just enjoy every day that I have with this little one, and enjoy every moment of being able to be pregnant.
Some days I start to feel like a baby-killer. I keep bringing these babies into existence, and then my body can't take care of them. I begin to feel guilty for getting pregnant over and over, when I don't know if I can even sustain pregnancy at all anymore.
Then I find myself doing internet research on progesterone, and go onto forums and read about how all kinds of different people who have had various experiences. I get myself all worried about it, far before I need to. I also get a little angry, because it seems like from all these forums and research, I feel like I do not have any Dr. that is willing to "go to work" on this for me. I read about women who are going for frequent ultrasounds, tests, etc. to ensure their babies are doing okay. I feel like I've really just been given a "now you just have to sit and wait" order. I don't like it. I want someone to be fighting for this baby's life for me! I want to have ultrasounds to confirm that there is a little heartbeat in there right now. I want tests, to ensure my hormone levels are right. Where is the person that wants to be an advocate for me? I feel like I am constantly trying to push the Dr. to do these things for me. Don't they want to see this little baby make it into the world, and into my arms? Hasn't enduring the loss of three precious pregnancies already been enough? What more do I have to go through before someone is going to take this really seriously?
And on top of it all, I want to trust in God. I feel I trust Him more right now than ever - and yet it doesn't totally erase my lingering concerns. Sometimes I find myself worrying about "what if I do lose this baby, then what am I going to think about God?". I don't want to let those thoughts sneak in, but they do - I'll admit it. I want to be healed, I want this baby to live. I just want to know that it's going to be okay - but no one can guarantee that.
I hate that the most beautiful thing in life is so marred for me. I want to be happy and enjoy this. Please pray for me.

It's Time

It's time to let the cat out of the bag! Guess what everyone?! We are expecting again! Sadly, this announcement is sort of losing some of it's excitement value. I've actually been having a hard time telling people, because:

1. It doesn't seem to be that exciting for anyone anymore, and I don't blame them!

2. It means I have to go back to everyone with the news IF things go badly (but they won't).

3. I know so many people who are struggling to conceive, and I don't want to hurt them.

But we are expecting again, and I can honestly say that I am feeling mostly optimistic. I knew it was possible that we could be bringing home this very special souvenir from Maui - but it happened a little sooner than I expected! I actually didn't even notice that I was already experiencing pregnancy symptoms before the "special date" had arrived! In hindsight, I now know that I must have gotten pregnant almost a week sooner than expected - and began to have symptoms almost right away. I did not clue in when I whiffed a glass of wine and almost gagged. I also didn't think much of the VERY noticeable weight gain/water retention/bloating when we came home and I couldn't fit into the jeans that I had worn on the way there. I just figured I had over-indulged on all the good stuff. Anyway, a day or two after the "special date", I asked my sister-in-law how soon a person could start getting pregnancy symptoms? I had started to notice some definate changes in my... body. I sort of waved it off, and assumed that perhaps wearing my bathing suit so much wasn't providing enough support to "the girls", and they were a little sore. After being home for about a week, the symptoms were getting pretty unmistakeable - but I still assumed that I hadn't been pregnant for more than a week or two. I went to see my Dr., who also thought it would be too early to test. We decided to wait over the weekend, and do a test the following Tuesday. I got home, but was simply not convinced that I could only be just a few weeks pregnant and have such noticeable symptoms. I took matters into my own hands, and did a test at home - in the middle of the afternoon. What I got was...

I was so pumped! I've had a few days where I've felt the fear and anxiety try to make it's way in - but I've really been fighting it. I also feel optimistic because I'm taking the progesterone supplements, and it feels so good to actually be TRYING to do something to help. I am also relying on a lot of Scripture, particularly James 5:14-15, which says:

Are you sick? Call the church leaders together to pray and anoint you with oil in the name of the Master. Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you've sinned, you'll be forgiven—healed inside and out.

I had our pastor couple, and some church elders anoint me with oil and pray over me in November. I am believing in a miracle - and I believe I am healed. I DO believe that this baby is going to be in our arms in a few months! All your prayers are definately welcome, as I know that the next few critical weeks will be a little tough for me. I hope to stay as busy as I can, to keep my mind from worrying. I just also want to thank all of you for your support - it means so much to me to know you are standing behind us.

Moolah!

For Christmas this year I was blessed to receive a combined total of $330 worth of mall gift certificates. At first, I was thrilled. How fun would it be to go and do some guilt-free shopping?! However, it was soon after that initial thought that my practical side kicked it. I didn't want to just go and blow all that money, only to regret it later on! What should I spend it on - one big item, or lots of little ones? What do I WANT? What do I NEED? HELP! I started to actually feel a little bit stressed out about not wanting to regret how I would spend the $330. Or what if I would spend it, and then find something else I would want more in a few months? I took the gift cards along on my next mall trip, and decided to see what would happen. I did have a few ideas: a new camera, new every-day dishes (we currently own a hodge-podge of dishes combined from both Ryan and I), or maybe a leather jacket. After picking up some photos from Black's, I browsed their camera section. I decided I wanted a new camera - so I picked up a new Nikon Coolpix P80, with two memory cards, and a carrying case. My gift cards were officially spent. I've been having fun with the camera - but I find it to be really slow. That just doesn't work when you are snapping shots of a two year-old. So I'm thinking I may return the camera. But then I'm back to square one. How should I spend my Christmas moolah? What would YOU spend $330 on? And don't tell me you'd splurge it all on clothes.