Back to the Beginning

This blog began back in October of 2005, just prior to the confirmation that Ryan and I were expecting our first baby. I carried that baby nearly to 15 weeks, finding out that we had lost it on this day, December 30th, 2006. We had been looking forward to the annual trip to Maui, and had delayed our departure by a few days from the rest of the family to attend a special family reunion. We never did end up at the family reunion, as were we scheduled for a D & C on that day, December 31st. The same day as the D & C, I was released to go home, and we decided to attend a small New Year's party at our friends' place. I was feeling pretty good, and we figured the company would likely help us cheer up. That was the night that I met Rebekah for the first time, and we've been friends ever since. So, despite the sadness in remembering our first little lost love, there is some happiness to the story. A day or two later we left for Maui, where I spent the entire vacation bleeding from the D & C, and therefore being reminded every day that I had lost a baby. It was a very emotional trip, but being here now actually makes it a little easier to bear. I do think about it though - and I appreciate those of you who took time to remember our first little lost baby, and sent encouraging emails. I really, really appreciate that. God bless you all in the coming New Year!

More Maui Pics

If you are wondering how come I have time to be on the computer, I still get on during James' nap times. Sometimes I go out on the balcony to read, but it's fun to check up on everyone's blogs. Here is a pic of the cousins: James, Simon, Thomas & Emily. Next year there will be one more added, as Ang and Steve are expecting No. 4.
Sometimes you need a break from the sun to watch some cartoons.

Mommy and James by the ocean. I like this photo, because you can't really tell how pastey I am.

This is sort of our view from our room. Steve & Ang have a ground-floor room that opens right onto this lawn. It's awesome for the kids!

This fountain is in the restaurant where we have breakfast every morning. It's a nice way to keep the kids entertained while we sip one last cup of coffee before starting the day.

Just a Glimpse

For my Angel Babies

I love you and I miss you, Angel Babies. I think of you often while we are here in Maui. I wrote "Angels" in the sand for you the other day - sort of a little tribute to you. Auntie Ang says that you should be called "Water Babies" because of all the tears that have been shed for you. How appropriate that my footprints surround your name in the sand - just like the footprints each one of you have left on my heart. I love you my little ones, I really wish you were here. Love, Mommy

Found a Cable

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Bummer!

Hello everyone! We are so happy to have arrived safely here in Maui. Family members that were supposed to join us in a few days have had to cancel their trip. I guess the weather has been bad in Vancouver, and flights have been cancelled. Lucky for us that we managed to escape the bad weather! Unfortunately, I forgot to pack the cable for my camera (I have a card reader on my computer at home so I don't need the cable). So I have no way to post photos right now. The weather has been great, and we've basically just been trying to adjust to the 4 hour time difference. James spends most mornings after breakfast in the pool, and we've made some friends there. Then it's nap time, and mommy-gets-to-read-out-on-the-balcony-in-the-sun time. I love it! This afternoon will likely be back out at the pool or the beach. It's wonderful. I have felt your prayers, and there have been situations where I have needed them. There are many, many children, babies, pregnant women (including my dear sister-in-law) and the like all around me all the time. I have had moments of heartache, but more often I have felt blessed to share this very special time one-on-one with James. He is having so much fun - and I would miss it if I was taking care of a little one, or holed up in the hotel room being super pregnant. I'm am trying to just enjoy each moment, because I am so acutely aware of how precious these moments are with him. I had been worried too that seeing my sister-in-law pregnant would hurt my heart, as we were supposed to have our babies just a week apart. I haven't had any hurt over it at all. I am genuinely excited for them, and look forward to hearing about the new little family member that is coming. I am also trying to enjoy the fact that I can wear "normal" clothes, a two-piece bathing suit, run, and enjoy the heat. All these things would not have come so easily if I had been pregnant. So there is some good in the bad. Also, there is some excitement in the fact that our next baby could very well be conceived here in Hawaii. Wouldn't that be a nice souvenir?!

Merry Christmas!

Well everyone, I think I am going to say my official Christmas wishes today. I need to start getting organized, clean the house, and pack up. I think it will be easier to do so if I am not also blogging. Have a very joyous Christmas! I pray that this Christmas will be your best ever, and that 2009 will hold wonderful and amazing blessings for you. I love you all, very much. May God be at the center of all you do. I'm sure I'll have more to blog while we are on vacation.

With love, Heather

In the Name of the Father

I got baptised for the second time this past Sunday (photos are coming). I was really nervous, but after an impromptu prayer from a lady in the nursery I felt a lovely calm come over me. I was so blessed to be supported by my husband, all my best friends, my parents and in-laws, my NEW church family, and even a few cousins, uncles and aunts. My friend Terrilee and her sister sang Barlow Girl's "I Need You to Love Me". They did a fantastic job, I was in tears. That particular Sunday - the second advent Sunday - is the day of REJOICING. How applicable! I read my (condensed) testimony to the church (if you are interested in reading it, please email me and I'll send it to you - it's too long to post). It was hard to read it, but I think I made it through without getting too emotional. I then answered the few questions from the church, namely that I believe in Jesus Christ, the inspired Word of God the Bible, and my intention to be baptised UPON THE CONFESSION OF MY FAITH. It felt sooooooo good to answer those questions having THOUGHT ABOUT MY ANSWERS, and meaning it when I answered "Yes"! I was helped into the water by Pastor John, and met on the other side by my dear husband. Together they helped me dunk beneath the water. I know I was crying when I went under. Wow, it felt so good to cry. I thought about how I was dying to that old self - and then closed my eyes and let the dark and the water immerse me completely, trusting fully that I would be lifted out. I pictured Jesus, and he was just grinning at me. I could almost hear Him saying, "Well done my good and faithful servant". I knew that the angels in Heaven were partying. When I was pulled out of the water, the beautifully lit Christmas tree shone off my face - and I was greeted by my pastor, and the face of my smiling husband. What a special moment - it was perfect - just as it should have been. I couldn't stop smiling. Pastor John welcomed me into the family of God, and my new church. I think people clapped... I was euphoric. I then heard my son's voice from the back of the church, "MOMMY IS CLEAN AGAIN". And then laughter.

James & Isaiah Reunite

It was SO wonderful to have Trevor, Rebekah and Isaiah over yesterday. The boys had (mostly) a good time together, although given their ages, they had a hard time sharing toys. There was A LOT of action in those few hours. There was literally a constant tornado of action. If it wasn't James initiating a contest to see how far they could jump off the couch, then it was Isaiah making an effort to completely rearrange the components of the train table! You might have thought it was two girls running around, given all the high-pitched screams of happiness! (Please excuse my annoying chant in the video, but the boys thought it was hilarious). Once both daddies arrived, Rebekah and I were finally able to sneak away and have a nice talk. It was so nice to get to connect face-to-face again, but it really just felt totally like old times. It was like they still lived right next door.

James not too thrilled to share mommy's lap with Isaiah.

Best buddies!

Finding new places to climb onto (and feeling quite proud).

Couch jumping contest.

Trying to get a pose of the boys together.

Story of the Three Trees

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, 'Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty.'

Then the second tree said, 'Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull.'

Finally the third tree said, 'I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the Hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me.'
After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, 'This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter, 'and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, 'This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard.' The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the Woodsmen said, 'I don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this one,' and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He stood and said 'Peace' and the Storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

Puts a Smile on My Face

In just over a week we are off to Maui, Hawaii for a couple of weeks. I absolutely cannot WAIT! I feel VERY, EXTREMELY blessed to have been able to enjoy this wonderful dream vacation more than once in a lifetime. It truly is something I thank God for. The opportunity to see Hawaii has not been one I've taken for granted. I also can't wait to see what James will think of it. He is at a really great travelling age this year, although he is a veteran traveller - having made the trip to Maui when he was just 5 weeks old (see photo below).


So besides just getting away from it all with the family that I adore, here are just a few highlights of things I am looking forward to on our trip (in very random order)...

Shopping in White/Black - one of my favourite stores.

Café Ciao - a little deli in our Hotel, the best place to get a delicious salad or wrap for lunch. Nevermind the drink selection, snacks, and fun kitchen gadgets and doo-dads.

The Shops at Wailea - the outdoor mall!

Our wonderfully luxurious room!

The pool - especially when it's lit up at night.

Louis Vuitton - it's always nice to browse, and stare in awe at the prices people are willing to pay for a name on a purse (which I totally would if I could).

Lappert's Ice Cream & Coffee Shop - need I say more?! Just think: homemade-tasting coconut pineapple ice cream in a waffle cone.

The Hotel - it's beautiful!

Macadamia nut crusted Mahi Mahi (fish) at Roy's Restaurant. YUMMY!

Polo Beach

The bathroom in the Hotel - it's so grand, it makes me feel famous.

And last, but certainly not least, the chocolate soufflé at Roy's Restaurant. There is nothing to compare it to... Heaven maybe?!

One of Those Days

It's one of those days when I really should have avoided Facebook, avoided the news, just avoided life outside of my own circle of friends and family. It's one of those days when EVERYONE THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BABIES seem to be having babies. People who kill their babies are having more babies. People who have lost their babies are having more babies. People who drug their babies are having more babies. Why can't I have one of their babies? It just gets so frustrating, I can't even begin to explain how it feels. Maybe a little bit like having a huge scab on my heart, and someone comes along and pulls it off. Ouch! Apologies for the raw mood I'm in - today I just have to shake my head. What is this world turning into? I suppose it doesn't help that on this day last year we were pregnant for the first time after having James. Having no baby in my arms to prove that is hurting my heart. I had hoped to be pregnant this month, because I thought that might make the pain a little less, but we are not. Sucks. I know God is in control, and I am excited and looking forward to my baptism this Sunday. I know His timing is best, and I'm fine with that - but it's still so disappointing.

Singing & Eating

This Age & Stage

I have been absolutely loving my two year-old. Yes, he has moments of testing and disobedience when I find myself using up years of stocked-up patience while I deal with him. However, I am for the most part loving this stage of his life. I keep thinking that I want to preserve him at this age, so I can take him out again later and enjoy it again - but then I would have to have him cloned so that the "other" James could still grow up.

I have been dealing with some frustrations in my motherhood quest, and I think that this week I've finally made a realization about it. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. A wonderfully cliché phrase, but it really summarizes things well. I have often been frustrated to the point of tears for the last two years that I can't seem to keep up. All around me "super moms" are caring for three or four children, making fully home-cooked meals every night, doing crafts, baking buns, homeschooling, taking kids to ballet and hockey, and still having energy to be a wife and friend. At least that's how it looks to ME. Lately I've realized that there are a few things that are making me feel this way: me comparing myself to others, first time motherhood, a son who needs lots of mommy time.

First of all, why do I compare myself to others? I don't need to have a house as neat as "Jane's", and I don't need to have mashed potatoes and roast beef on the table like "Margaret" does, and I sure don't have to bake three hundred Christmas goodies like "Julie". I can only do as much as I can and WANT to do. That's it.

I also have to remember that just because James is two doesn't mean that I'm not still a first time mom. I am learning as I go how to balance things, and still learning how to accomplish the daily needs each day. I don't have to know how to do it all right now. I am learning. I am growing. By the time I have our 10th baby on my hip, I should have it down pretty good. I expect perfection from myself, but that is totally unreasonable. I don't know how to do everything as a mom yet.

Also, I have to take James' personality into account. Just because "Karen's" daughter will play happily on her own in her room for an hour doesn't mean that James should or has to also do this. He is a boy who loves to be with people, and especially his mommy. I adore this about him, and yet it can sometimes be a drag. I have to remember that James has his own special personality. Right now, at this stage in his life, I just won't be able to do all the things I want to do. He needs me. He needs a playmate. If we are so blessed to have another child, this will change. He will have someone else to be near to. Also, he will be OLDER, and as he gets older some of these things will get easier. And eventually he won't want me around at all, and I'll be wishing he was two all over again.

Honesty

It's hard to be honest. I'd love for my blog to be filled with wonderful stories of happy times, and wise tidbits about all that God is teaching me - and then for the comments section to be filled by all the wonderful, reassuring comments that we all so love and enjoy. Perhaps you have noticed that I haven't been leaving many blog comments lately. I've been reading everyone's blogs, but my heart has been burdened so heavily lately that I don't have anything left to use to encourage and hold up other people in their struggles. When I push myself to do so, I find that I almost instantly collapse (emotionally) under the weight of all the burdens I am trying to carry for others. I had to get to the point today where I just had to give all these things up to God. I spent the morning fasting and praying, and it began to feel better. I believe that I am witnessing serious spiritual warfare. Almost everyone that I am close to is experiencing major tribulation in their lives. Including my own year of grief and sadness, I feel that I have not been able to have a genuinely good time lately. I can't remember having a really good laugh without it being followed closely by tears. This year has not been a good one. I can relate whole-heartedly to all of you who have posted about feeling tired, drained, and on the edge of being unable to cope. I pray for all of you when I pray for myself. I'm sorry that my blog has been dreary. I've tried to keep it light by posting about James - because he is my LIGHT in all this darkness. I am also looking forward to my baptism in two weeks - and I'm sure that some of this is just attacks on me from the enemy, trying to get me down in light of this great event. I feel all aspects of my life are under stress, especially my relationships. Friends, family, husband... they all feel like they are requiring more from me than I can offer. In turn, everything that they say and do falls shirt of what I am really needing, which is not their fault. I feel misunderstood. It's in my nature to want to give all of me to everyone. I hate saying no, or having nothing to say to a hurting friend. I just feel like I have nothing of value left to give. This is a lie from the enemy - and I'm fighting it with prayer. I want you all to know how much I love you and value your friendships. Thanks for continuing to come here and read these posts, praying for me and encouraging me through this tough year. Perhaps in the next year my posts will once again start to look more positive and uplifting! I sure pray that they do!

Silly Things James Says

The things that James says these days keeps us laughing all day long! He is hysterical, and comes up with the funniest things to say. Here are some of our latest favourites:

We were driving up to our house and I said, "We're home!". James pipes up from the backseat and says, "Yay! Mommy found it!".

I opened James' bedroom door to go get him in the morning, and the first thing he said is, "Hey! What's going on?".

We had lunch with my dad (grandpa) at a restaurant, and while we waited to pay he started to visit with someone he knew. James looked at them and said, "Grandpa is talking to... (thought about it for a while) some GUY!".

When James gets scolded for something, he always asks "Why not?". I'll answer him with something like, "Because you could get hurt", and then he'll say "Because?". All I have to say is, "Yes, just because" and then he is fine with it.

And this week's winner:

I was getting dressed in the morning, and James walked into the room. I was undressed from the waist up. James looked at me for a while, and then with a smile on his face said, "Mommy has two OWLS!".

Funny Story

Wouldn't it be HILARIOUS to see a terrified cat riding on the roof of a vehicle going 80km/hr?! This is what I was thinking yesterday when I realized that our cat had come along on a 1-1/2 mile ride on the roof of our van! I'm not sure what was more funny, the cat coming along for the ride on the roof, or when I braked to turn onto the driveway and he came tumbling down the windshield onto the hood and James saying "What happened big kitty?". I can say all this with laughter, because the cat wasn't hurt in any way. Scared, yes, but not hurt. I would have felt horrible if he would have been hurt, because he is our favourite cat. Anyway, I couldn't help but imagine how that would have looked if you would have just been peering out your window and witnessed this cat go by on the roof! Wow, that would have been SO funny!

I saw the cat on the roof when we got into the van. Usually he would have known we were leaving, and would have jumped off right away. I didn't see him jump off, so I figured the noise of the garage door opening and the van starting would scare him off. I still didn't see him jump off, so I slowly backed out of the garage thinking that he would definately jump off if the van was moving. I still didn't see him. When I got out of the garage I couldn't see him anywhere, so I stayed parked for a couple of seconds longer to give him time to jump off. At that point I assumed that he had to have jumped off, and just went someplace where I couldn't see him (this would be unusual, because he almost always watches as we drive away). So, we left, and thus the cat ride on the roof.


The rest of this week has been busy but uneventful. I've done some Christmas shopping, did some church decorating for Christmas, and a few odds and ends. I really want to do some Christmas baking, but James isn't a big fan of me working in the kitchen, so I haven't done any. One of my biggest frustrations as a mom is that I actually really love cooking and baking, but my son does not let me do that in peace. Unless I put him in front of the TV he will cry and try to rip my arms out to come and play with him. It's almost useless to even try to do anything but the necessities, and even then we are usually just eating things that are quick and simple.


James got to sit on Santa's knee this year. I'm not really into the Santa thing, but had to make an exception this year because Santa was actually Ryan's Uncle Stan! We had to go visit him, and I decided I would buy photos merely because Santa was such a special guy.

James' Birthday

Make a Smilebox postcard

The Sequel II

If you have been reading my blog for more than a year, you will remember that there is a special video that comes out on this date each year. It began with this one back in November of 2006, which was the night I went into labour. In November of 2007 I thought a sequel would be appropriate, so this video was recorded.

So, from now on I think it will be a yearly tradition to do the "Labour Dance" video on the eve of James' birthday...



Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

I Need You to Love Me

Wondering

I feel a little nudge in my heart, and I'm trying to pray into it (even though I'm still struggling in the prayer department right now). A few good friends have told me that perhaps I should join a support group of some kind for women with infertility, miscarriages, and failed adoptions (from now on if I talk about 'women who have lost babies', I am including all of these types of losses in one group, okay?). After thinking about it, it occurred to me that I know A LOT of women who could benefit from a group like this - and many of them are nearby, right here in Friendly Manitoba. So... the little nudge in my heart came as an idea, "What if YOU (Heather) would start a support group?". Oh my! I wouldn't even know where to begin, where to have it, what to talk about... so, could you please pray into this with me? I need your intercessory help. Also, if you are someone who would be interested in joining such a group, please let me know by emailing me at the link above ("Email Me"). My current thought is a once-a-month meeting in a church somewhere? Wow - can't believe I'm putting this out there, because it feels like a committment.

Good Times

The last few days have been great, which comes with a little bit of a funny side-effect for me. When I have great days, my heart longs even more for a baby because I know I could handle the extra workload. James has just been a gem for the last week. He was toted along to do Christmas banquet decor shopping for our church on Wednesday. Although that seems to be his least favourite thing to do, we survived. He was rewarded with a 1/2 hour of play at the train table at Chapters, and all was well. I also pretty much finished my Christmas shopping this week, but admittedly it was a short list and mostly involved picking up gift cards. We've been enjoying some good sleep lately, with James going down around 9:00pm and waking up after 8:00am. He's been quite well behaved this week too, and fun as ever! He really enjoyed making "fruit and vegetables" with playdough this morning. He then played with them for almost an hour - just transferring them from one container to another, and then from one chair to a table, and then back to the chair again. We had a nice lunch together, him with leftover spaghetti, and me with leftover butter chicken and rice. Now he is down for a nap, while I sip tea and type. Tonight we are going out with friends, which I am very much looking forward to. Ryan and I are hoping we can convince them to all go see "Quantum of Solace" with us - we don't get nights out that often!

The Alphabet & Turning Two

Thumbs Up for Mommy's Day Out

No matter how much I adore James, I still need to have breaks from him. It's been really interesting to me to see how life with him gets more fun, but at the very same time it also gets more challenging.
On one side I am having a blast with all of his talking, amazing memory, non-stop learning, increasing independance, humour, and ability to watch TV for more than 3 seconds.
On the other side of things, I find myself completely drained and exhausted at the end of the day (more than ever before) from the constant running, entertaining, rescue missions, boo-boo kissing, tantrum avoiding, discipling, and scolding that comes hand-in-hand with a two year-old.
The last couple of weeks have been hard on me, especially as I seem to have hit rock bottom in my cycle of grief. The changing weather is having an effect as well, and I think I've been feeling the lack of sun and vitamin D already! So I was very happy to take a short leave of absence today and go see my mom's art show, and do some shopping.
I firmly believe that these outtings help me to regain my composure, renew my heart and mind, remind me that I am a woman of value, and make me a better mom. I think they need to happen more often, because I sure felt SO much more ready to take on another week with James after the break today. I loved the quiet ride in the car, listening to worship music. I also enjoyed a quiet lunch with my mom, and the unexlainable joy I got at being able to walk through the entire mall without a stroller, diaper bag, or impatient toddler. I enjoyed a Cinnamon Dolce Latte from Starbucks, and didn't care that I had to be in the line up for 15 minutes. I spent about half an hour just trying on bras - a wardrobe necessity that is usually my least favourite thing to buy (right before bathing suits) and cannot be accomplished with James with me!!! I found 3, all 40% off, and another 15% off at the checkout - ch-ching!
After I got home my mother-in-law called and told me she wanted to give me a break and would take James for a couple of hours tomorrow morning! I am looking forward to using that time to turn up some good music (time to whip out the Boney M) and clean up the house. I always feel SO good once my house is clean - I then feel like I can take on anything. So here's my thumbs up for mommy's day out. If you haven't had one lately, you deserve one.

Snow!

Still Loves to Dance

Despite having an ear infection, James still loves to dance!

Argh

The last few days have been rough. I'm not sure why exactly, but I think in part I can blame it on the following: lack of sleep (will explain), grieving (a mix of sadness, bitterness and anger), sickness (cough, cough, cough), PMS (gotta love hormones), and progesterone supplements (giving me symptoms of pregnancy, and yet two tests have said no).

All these things are frustrating. I think the worst is the grieving, because it's really unnatural for me to be sad, bitter and angry for such a long time. It's even more frustrating when I don't know who I'm sad, bitter and angry at! I just know that it is causing me a lot of tears - I can't even show my face at the local store. I'm too nervous that someone is going to come and ask me how I am doing!

Also, we are all sick. Thank goodness we don't have the awful flu that my friend Amber and her family had. We are all coughing our lungs out. No fun. I can curb my cough attacks with lozenges, tea, and a good clearing of my throat. James on the other hand has it the worst. He is up many times at night with horrible cough attacks - for which medicine does NOTHING. He has even coughed so hard that he has puked a few times. It's not cool. He seems happiest to just be in front of the TV, which I have allowed. At least if he is not running around he seems to cough a little less.

Prayers would be appreciated.

Not Ready Yet

I had an interesting experience on Monday afternoon. I went to an open house baby shower put on by our church. The shower was for a Philipino couple that just moved into the country in the last year or so. They had a baby boy a month ago. So, anyway, I went to the shower. There were a lot of ladies there, and I had a good time - I tried out a Philipino dessert made with tapioca, coconut milk and corn. It was... interesting. Anyway, on with the story. I had come near the end of the shower, and soon most of the ladies had left. A couple of us were still mulling around when someone approached me with the adorable little baby and asked if I wanted to hold him. I said, "Sure!", and she placed him in my arms. I looked at that little tiny miracle in my arms. He was precious. All I could say was "Awwww...", and then the tears came. I wasn't expecting it at all - but suddenly I didn't want to hold him anymore. I just kept saying over and over "I can't do this, I can't do this today". Very quickly the lady next to me came and took the little guy, and just kept telling me it was okay, and not to worry. Most people in my church know about our miscarriages, so they all sort of knew what was going on. However, there was a huge blessing in disguise when I realized that the only ladies left were two moms with adopted children. Neither one of them were ever able to have their own children. And the other was a mom who had three miscarriages before she had her first baby (one when she was 5 months pregnant, and lost a little girl), and one miscarriage between her two boys. They could not have been a more understanding and encouraging group! I felt embarassed, but they all assured me that they had all had a hard time holding other babies when they had lost theirs, or were waiting for theirs. So, I guess I'm not ready to hold little babies yet. It was such an unexpected moment - I never knew it would bother me like that! I guess I just felt like it was a strange feeling to have a baby in my arms when I have been longing for that feeling - and knowing that the baby filling my arms was not my own. Admittedly, I do almost always get slightly emotional when I see newborns - I just think there is not a more amazing and precious gift from God than a baby! Looking at a little baby is like looking at the face of God.

The Journey, Explained

Prior to Ryan and I ever starting a family, I wanted to become more grounded in my faith. I knew that I would take on the roll of the spiritual leader in our home, and I wanted to be ready. I didn't want to just start my family, and then hope that my limited faith would somehow rub off on my kids so that they would pursue a deeper relationship with Jesus. I wanted them to grow up and see Jesus through me - in my words, actions, and life. I wanted to be able to confidently say to my children, "Come, take my hand and follow me". So, I began a journey to get to know God better.

Along this journey there was a short, dark tunnel when we lost our first baby to a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I believe that it happened as part of my growth in Christ - to teach me that I needed to trust Him. There are many that would argue that my baby was not taken by Christ. I agree that He did not want my baby to die, but I do believe that He allowed it because He knew that in the "big picture" it would make me a better, stronger person. Soon after that I was pregnant with my precious James.

Although my growth in Christ continued after James was born, I think I got cocky. I think I felt like I really knew God, and therefore I had the ability to call on Him whenever I wanted to. Without realizing it, I was starting to boss God around. The voice that I heard, and called His, was really my own. It seems that after two and half years, and two miscarriages later I can finally see this as the truth. I had taken matters into my own hands, and masqueraded it as being "from God". I think that the enemy saw this, and leapt into action. I had allowed space for him to enter in, and he couldn't wait to deceive me into believing that God had failed me.

The enemy lead me to believe that the words I thought I had heard from God regarding our baby were lies. I've spent the last couple of months asking God, "why did You lie to me"? However, because I know that God doesn't lie or deceive us, I had to ask myself whether the words I heard had really come from God at all.

"But any prophet who fakes it, who claims to speak in my name something I haven't commanded him to say, or speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet must die. You may be wondering among yourselves, 'How can we tell the difference, whether it was God who spoke or not?' Here's how: If what the prophet spoke in God's name doesn't happen, then obviously God wasn't behind it; the prophet made it up. Forget about him." Deuteronomy 18:20-22 (the Message)

So, after several weeks of being mad at God it has become abudantly clear that I did not hear Him speak these words. I was so eager to make Him speak to me, the enemy filled in and caused me to hear these lies.

All of this made me realize that I have not been seeking God the way I had originally intended. I was beginning to try and make God's will look like mine. I was trying to mold Him into something that would suit my needs and wants, and I forgot entirely about the desire I had to learn about His needs and wants of me. I decided that I needed to take action to get back onto the path of the journey I had originally started. The journey to know God better, and to live a life that would be pleasing to Him.

I admit that there is a part of me that believes that I needed to come to this realization before God would bless us with more children. I am not doing all these things for that purpose though. I am happy to see where it takes us, but I don't want to allow my dreams to blind me of God's will for me.

The journey continued when I read a blog about a youth pastor and his wife who had to recently confess a dark sin to their church, friends and family. There were consequences of this sin, however in confessing it they are now able to make steps towards restoration and healing. Reading her blog inspired me, and suddenly I felt that it was important that I confess a few things myself. I emailed her with my confession, and then went on to write about it in what has become my testimony.

I then went to talk to the pastor of my church and his wife last week. I had a few questions for them, and they answered them to the best of their ability. I made my confession to them as well, and also to two close friends. My pastor encouraged me to share my testimony and confession with my Bible study group - and I hope to do that this week.

I also asked him if there was ever a reason for anyone to be "re-baptised". There is actually an account in the Bible where a group of people who were baptised by John the Baptist were re-baptised after the Holy Spirit was sent to Earth after Jesus' resurrection. So, it is not unheard of. I asked my pastor if I could be re-baptised. For years I have been disappointed under the circumstances for which I got baptised. I want to make a statement publicly to declare my confession of my faith to God, and I want to make it right. He supported my request, and we are making plans to have a full immersion baptism in December. I am STOKED!

So that is where I am at right now. I am slowly making amends with God so that I can get back on track in growing in Him. I may not always succeed in trying to obey His will for my life, but I do hope that I have learned something about not trying to enforce my will on Him. There is a long way to go before there will be complete healing, but I have definately been feeling a lot better in the last few days.

All that being said, I do believe that we will be blessed with more children. I don't know when, or by what means, but I definately do not think that our family is yet complete.

A Journey

I'll post more about this yet, but I just wanted to say that I have begun a journey to spiritual healing. <---- Looking back on what I just wrote I have to stop and laugh at myself - did I truly just write that?! I used to hear other people say things like that, and thought "what in the world does that mean?". Now that I am writing it myself it seems sort of humorous, and at the same time I am so glad that I've come this far in my faith. The journey has begun with a confession, the writing of my testimony, and a big decision to make. More to come regarding all of this... but let me just tell you, it's exciting to see the light at the end of this particular tunnel!

And for anyone who might be getting all excited that this has to do with being pregnant, it doesn't - I am not pregnant.

23 Months!

I cannot believe that my baby is going to be TWO next month! In the meantime, he is 23 months, and I am absolutely having a blast with him! James is an extremely likeable kid. Of course that seems natural for every parent to say, but we have been told so many times by so many people that we now firmly believe that it's true. People just love our little James - and hopefully we can train him not to be prideful, but to use this "people magnet" ability for Jesus.

<----- Getting goofy with Uncle Matt.
James is a smarty pants, and uses mostly full sentences to talk to us now. He still mostly says "you" when he means "me" though. So, he will say "You want milk please?" instead of "I want milk please?". We are working on it though. With some help he can say the alphabet, and count to twenty. I am so proud of him! He is pretty good at recognizing things that are grouped in twos and threes. For example, if there are two school buses in a parking lot he will say "Two school buses". He also knows how to get to both sets of grandma and grandpa's homes, Auntie Robin's house, Auntie Terri's house, and Mama Bartel's house (our new neighbours). When we turn down the street to any of these people's homes, he will immediately tell us. Or, if he sees a different car turn down that road he will say something like "Red truck going to Grandma's house!".
He loves cars, trucks and trains. His favourite toy vehicles are a firetruck and a school bus. I think we will do a firetruck theme for his birthday this year. He also loves his kitties, and always asks them to come outside with him when we let him out. They obediently follow him, and run after him. It's terrible cute!
James is also practices good hygiene. He loves to brush his teeth, to the point where he has his own toothbrush and paste at his grandparent's house. He also loves to wash his hands, ("WITH SOAP"), and I can often find him in the bathroom on his stool washing his hands. He loves bathtime as well, and really enjoys it when I draw pictures on his tummy with his foaming soap. He will also pick up things from the floor, call it garbage and ask to throw it away. He has pooped once on the little potty, but isn't interested in potty training yet. I'm not in a panic with it. In fact, I'd prefer that he be in diapers for our trip to Hawaii this year. It would be almost impossible to be in the middle of potty training on a trip like that!
James finds praying to be humorous. When we ask him to say "Amen" with us, he will bow his head and tightly close his eyes, looking up every few seconds to see if we're still praying. When we're done and say "amen" he will always join in with a big "AMEN!" - after which we usually have to applaud. At night when we pray we usually talk about all the things we did during that day and thank God for them. James is getting good at remembering things we did, and talking about them. His favourite thing to talk about is walking with Auntie Robin and Jaxson.
James is becoming an avid singer and dancer. He can frequently be heard singing the theme song for "Toopi & Binoo", as well as a song from "Yo, Gabba Gabba" that goes "stay still... stay still... wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, GO, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, GO!". He will also sing "skitta merinky dinky dink", but will usually wait for me to sing it and then chime in with "I LOVE YOU!".
My favourite thing to wake up to in the morning is going into James' room and hearing him say "Hi mommy!". It is so special to me that he knows me, and that he loves to see me come into his room in the morning. At those moments I am reminded to pray for all the parents who have kidnapped and abducted children, and who walk into an empty room each morning wondering about their children. I can't imagine how they must feel.
I could say so much more, but I will leave it at that for now. I'll try to save a few things for the big TWO year-old post I'll be doing in a month!

Things I'm Lovin'!

These two CDs are my FAVOURITE right now! They play all day in my house, in the car, on my iPOD - wherever I go, I'm listening to them.

These Pringles Stix Pizza flavour are my new favourite snack. They are less than 90 calories per pack - meaning I eat about 3 packs a day. Better than smoking 3 packs a day! Haha!

My (faux) pearl necklace and earrings. Something just feels classy and elegant about wearing pearls. I bought these for my grandma's wedding.

Our half-decent family photo (my family). From left to right: my brother Matt, my dad, my mom with James, Ryan and myself. Our last family photo was taken... well, before James was born!

These nifty soups in a drinkable cup are awesome. James doesn't give me any time to eat during the day, so with this I can run after him and eat too.
James isn't super picky, but when I can't think of what to make for him, or if we are going to a non-kid-food restaurant, I know he will gobble these meals up! Even the veggies!
I got my brother to bring James this playmat from IKEA. James loves it, and I think it's really cute.
My new "photo shelves" - I stole the idea from my friend Terrilee. I love it! The shelves and set of frames are from JYSK.
This new book, "3:16", by Max Lucado that my Bible study group is taking. We are only 1 chapter into it, but I am enjoying it immensely. It's so full of hope and joy.