Being here in Hawaii has given me some time to reflect on the last three months of my life. It isn't easy, I will admit to that, but it is not going as badly as I might have imagined. I've had many questions, and many moments of realization ("oh ya, I'm not pregnant anymore"). Some of my questions:
- I know it wasn't my fault, and I didn't do anything to cause this to happen, but what if there WAS something I shouldn't have done? I want to know what that might have been.
- Why? I wanted this. Ryan wanted this. We really, really wanted this. Why does it seem like people who DON'T want it can get it so easily?
- How was I supposed to know? Some people have asked if I sensed the baby stop growing, or if I could tell when it passed. NO! How could I have known? And if I had, do you think I would have just left it for three entire months? Absolutely not. What mother would do that? I don't mind the questions, but seriously now.
- Should I feel more loss than I do? Some people go through more grief than others in this situation. I want to focus my energy now toward my NEXT baby, not the one that went to Heaven. Is this wrong? Should I be more attentive to the loss of this baby? Does it deserve more of my mourning time? Maybe I'm in shock or denial and I don't know it? Maybe this will hit me yet like a tonne of bricks. I don't believe it will, but what if? Life is just full of "what ifs". I'm not going to live life asking myself all the "what ifs".
- How soon can we start again? My first and foremost question. I can't wait to get started again. Ryan feels the same.
May I just say right now that Ryan has been my rock in all this - right next to God. He has been right there beside me the whole way. This could very well be the silver lining in the cloud - we feel closer than ever before. We are so in love, and we just can't get enough of each other right now. He hasn't let me raise a finger, and I just love and appreciate him so much for that. He is truly the one for me. I couldn't be happier.
3 comments :
isn't God amazing...through all of these questions & fears & pain, He shows you how incredibly your love for your husband can be. thank you so much for your honesty. it really touched me.
i never had the pain of losing a child. but i did have the experience of having to wait a long time to conceive my daughter, while everyone around me got pregnant at the drop of a hat. i asked myself many of the same questions you just posted here.
i'm not comparing my situation to yours, because that would not be fair for me to do. but just know that the questions you ask are very normal, very healing and God will someday give you the answer to everyone.
as for right now, He holds your little one very tight.
lots of love.
Thank you Janelle.
This is some powerful reflection. I don't know that there is a "right" way to deal with the stuff you're going through, but your approach seems spot-on -- you're being honest with yourself and feeling your way through. Glad to hear Plett is right there with you on the journey.
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