The latest thoughts I've had recently are related to going home. How will I handle going back home? Once I'm back home I face the even more frightening reality that I am no longer prego. My latest rituals will prove pointless, like taking a daily prepartum vitamin, and my many trips to the fridge for milk, yogurt, fruit, pickles, ice cream... I fear what I may experience emotionally when confronted by others who offer advice and sympathy. I want to be able to appreciate it, but will I be able to handle it emotionally? I wonder how I will handle the pressures of work - and the knowledge that I will not be leaving there in six months as I had thought. And the baby room will stand untouched a little longer, even though I will badly want to implement all the ideas I was having for it. On the bright side, maybe I can take this unprego time to strip and stain a desk I want to use - and spray paint the mouldings as I had wanted them. I may even continue to look for an old-fashioned rocking chair. I was pretty much able to avoid most pregnancy reminders from the time I got home from the hospital to the time we left for Hawaii. I won't be able to avoid them anymore. How will I feel when I put away the little prego figurine we got for Christmas? Or when I pack the few little baby gifts we got? How will I feel when I lie in my own bed at night, and touch my empty tummy? At work I had little prego reminders too, like a list of baby names I was keeping on my desktop, and little notes from friends and family. Do I bother emailing all of the clients again to say that I am not going to be gone in six months - or just let them know on a if-you-ask-me-I'll-tell-you basis? I've been able to get by here in Maui without maternity clothes. What if when I get home I still don't fit my regular clothes, and I have to where maternity clothes still? Remember that part where I said I wouldn't live my life in "what ifs"? These are my what ifs! I don't think I'll dwell on any of this, but rather just grab God's hand and push through it like I have been doing. It feels good to put it down though - just throw all this baggage onto this keyboard and computer screen... basically, I'm just giving it to God. Ever read "Travelling Light" by Max Lucado? Well, right now I'm travelling light. Letting God just take all my baggage and carry it. And He'll carry my what ifs too. And as for Satan trying to sneak in here right now, and make me fear my future, and the future of motherhood that I dream of, well - he is nothing. He is nothing, and he can't scare me, and I won't let him. Enough venting for one day though - life's just too short, and so is our vacation!
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2 comments :
Heather,
You don't know me but I've been reading your blog for a while (from Jeremy's site) and just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I experiened a loss with our first little boy at 22 weeks and can tell you what worked in our case, if you're interested. Just email me at terih @ telus.net and I'd be happy to try and help. I'm glad you realize that you did nothing wrong though - that was a big one with me after our little boy was born.
Teri
HI,
I found your blog through Janelle's. Hope you don't mind me here.
I just wanted you to know that you WILL get through this. I myself have had a miscarriage, well actually two. They were hard for me to deal with, and still make me sad at times even thought they happened almost ten and eleven years ago. My first one just "went away". My pregnancy test was positive for a couple of weeks and then it wasn't. My second was really bad, my baby died too.
Anyways, I just want to encourage you at this time. My experience is not the same as yours, but keep looking up to our Lord. He will get you through this. I thought I would be so angry with Him for letting this happen, but it actually brought me closer to Him. Let yourself grieve, its alright to do that. And is definitely alright to let go and move on and be excited about the future. You know that you will never forget the precious life that you once carried, and you will see them one day. I will see mine too. The only positive that I could ever come up with as to why I had to suffer with the loss of two pregnancies is...I wouldn't have to two beautiful kids that I have now...and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
My prayers are with you and your husband. Take care of yourself and let others take care of you as well.
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