It's hard to be honest. I'd love for my blog to be filled with wonderful stories of happy times, and wise tidbits about all that God is teaching me - and then for the comments section to be filled by all the wonderful, reassuring comments that we all so love and enjoy. Perhaps you have noticed that I haven't been leaving many blog comments lately. I've been reading everyone's blogs, but my heart has been burdened so heavily lately that I don't have anything left to use to encourage and hold up other people in their struggles. When I push myself to do so, I find that I almost instantly collapse (emotionally) under the weight of all the burdens I am trying to carry for others. I had to get to the point today where I just had to give all these things up to God. I spent the morning fasting and praying, and it began to feel better. I believe that I am witnessing serious spiritual warfare. Almost everyone that I am close to is experiencing major tribulation in their lives. Including my own year of grief and sadness, I feel that I have not been able to have a genuinely good time lately. I can't remember having a really good laugh without it being followed closely by tears. This year has not been a good one. I can relate whole-heartedly to all of you who have posted about feeling tired, drained, and on the edge of being unable to cope. I pray for all of you when I pray for myself. I'm sorry that my blog has been dreary. I've tried to keep it light by posting about James - because he is my LIGHT in all this darkness. I am also looking forward to my baptism in two weeks - and I'm sure that some of this is just attacks on me from the enemy, trying to get me down in light of this great event. I feel all aspects of my life are under stress, especially my relationships. Friends, family, husband... they all feel like they are requiring more from me than I can offer. In turn, everything that they say and do falls shirt of what I am really needing, which is not their fault. I feel misunderstood. It's in my nature to want to give all of me to everyone. I hate saying no, or having nothing to say to a hurting friend. I just feel like I have nothing of value left to give. This is a lie from the enemy - and I'm fighting it with prayer. I want you all to know how much I love you and value your friendships. Thanks for continuing to come here and read these posts, praying for me and encouraging me through this tough year. Perhaps in the next year my posts will once again start to look more positive and uplifting! I sure pray that they do!
Monday, December 1
Honesty
It's hard to be honest. I'd love for my blog to be filled with wonderful stories of happy times, and wise tidbits about all that God is teaching me - and then for the comments section to be filled by all the wonderful, reassuring comments that we all so love and enjoy. Perhaps you have noticed that I haven't been leaving many blog comments lately. I've been reading everyone's blogs, but my heart has been burdened so heavily lately that I don't have anything left to use to encourage and hold up other people in their struggles. When I push myself to do so, I find that I almost instantly collapse (emotionally) under the weight of all the burdens I am trying to carry for others. I had to get to the point today where I just had to give all these things up to God. I spent the morning fasting and praying, and it began to feel better. I believe that I am witnessing serious spiritual warfare. Almost everyone that I am close to is experiencing major tribulation in their lives. Including my own year of grief and sadness, I feel that I have not been able to have a genuinely good time lately. I can't remember having a really good laugh without it being followed closely by tears. This year has not been a good one. I can relate whole-heartedly to all of you who have posted about feeling tired, drained, and on the edge of being unable to cope. I pray for all of you when I pray for myself. I'm sorry that my blog has been dreary. I've tried to keep it light by posting about James - because he is my LIGHT in all this darkness. I am also looking forward to my baptism in two weeks - and I'm sure that some of this is just attacks on me from the enemy, trying to get me down in light of this great event. I feel all aspects of my life are under stress, especially my relationships. Friends, family, husband... they all feel like they are requiring more from me than I can offer. In turn, everything that they say and do falls shirt of what I am really needing, which is not their fault. I feel misunderstood. It's in my nature to want to give all of me to everyone. I hate saying no, or having nothing to say to a hurting friend. I just feel like I have nothing of value left to give. This is a lie from the enemy - and I'm fighting it with prayer. I want you all to know how much I love you and value your friendships. Thanks for continuing to come here and read these posts, praying for me and encouraging me through this tough year. Perhaps in the next year my posts will once again start to look more positive and uplifting! I sure pray that they do!
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7 comments :
Heather - you don't have to apologize for not commenting on blogs or whatever. I know what that feels like - whether it's the lack of emotional energy needed to care for others or just the lack of time. I hope that you continue to give yourself space to care for yourself and your family.
I have hard years too- and you don't need to apologize. Sometimes i know it feels hard to leave your thoughts and feelings out there- but keep sharing it is completely part of the healing process. When i was in the depth of hardship I wanted people to just tell me "it's okay".
So i am doing that for you- it's okay heather for you to feel just how you feel. Dont try to muster up something you can't. Praying for you!
I like that picture.
Heather, you have been such an amazing friend to me over the last few weeks as I have felt so exhausted and drained to even focus on the sessions and teachings we have. Your faithful phone calls, emails, ecards, etc. have really helped. It feels good to know that I have a friend who cares and genuinely tried to understand where I am coming from. I appreciate you so much. I am sorry I haven't been able to be there for you like I want to. Hopefully we can have a couple of good days of laughter when I get out there.
I love you tons.
Hey Heather,
Thanks for your honesty. About two years ago I went through a period of time that was filled with depression and anxiety. I found myself alienated from people b/c I had NOTHING to offer (a lie...but believed at the time), and I remember thinking many times, that I had no enjoyment in life. It was such a bleak time in my life, and definitely the hardest I've ever gone through. When I was in it, I didn't feel like it would ever end. But of course, it did, eventually, and as I look back and see how God had His hand on me, and how DRASTICALLY He changed my life through that time, it's unbelievable. I was truly transformed, and am so thankful for it. Reading your posts, witnessing your faith and obedience, it is obvious God is transforming you, I pray that each day you will know there's a 'light at the end of the tunnel', and that through your grief, you still are truly touching others. Please don't apologize for where you're at...God has you there for a reason, people understand, and all will eventually be restored. I am praying for you.
It's okay to feel how you feel. And everything WILL be okay. You WILL get through this difficult time... Days of laughter and pure joy WILL fill your heart again! Hang in there.
The most beautiful thing you can put up on this blog is who you are. Don't worry about whether the rest of us find things dreary, we don't. We love and we understand where you are coming from (at least a little) and we would never want you to feel like you have to be anything other than honest. It's beautiful, and do you know what? It's also encouraging. Everyone knows life isn't always easy, we all struggle, and sharing that struggle isn't depressing, it's inspiring.
Lots of hugs.
Sigh. I really need to proofread. We love YOU, and we understand...
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