Heartbroken

Today my heart broke.

I was trying to get something out of a cupboard, while James stood below me and was busy telling me all about his cars. I didn't immediately answer him, because I was reading labels. Then he said, "Mommy, you are always busy".

"Yes, I am!" I replied.

"You are always so busy that you don't talk to me".

Stab me in the heart and turn the knife.

Drive me over with a Hummer.

Shoot me square in the head.

That hurt. I knew it actually wasn't the least bit true, but it hurt.

Was I really so busy that even my three year-old felt neglected?

I just felt crushed.

I came down off the chair, and just started to cry.

At that moment, Rayya decided to wake up an hour too early from her nap, meaning that now James would get even less of my attention.

Suddenly, I was overcome by the enemy.

I began to believe that I was a horrible mommy.

I don't make enough time for my kids.

I'm too busy doing unnecessary things.

I'm a waste.

I'm a failure.

I'm not beautiful.

I suck.

*insert pitiful sobs here*

The lies grew in my heart until I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to flee the house. Get away from it. Get away from all the things that made me "too busy" for my kids. So I packed them up in my tears, all the while explaining to James that I was crying because I was sad, not because of him, and that I needed to talk to grandma because I wasn't sure if I was a good mommy.

When we got to my mom's, she was outside in the yard and James immediately went to her and said, "We came over because mommy is sad and crying because she's not a good mommy."

My mom asked him, "Do you think she's a good mommy?".

Of course James said, "Yes".

But it didn't erase the damage that the enemy had done.

I was a wreck.

I still am a little bit.

I feel overwhelmed.

Lost.

Afraid... of nothing.

Get behind me satan.

Lord, keep me strong.

Stand before me, and show me Thy truth.