Success!

James is FINALLY completely over his Rotavirus infection. It took a couple of days for him to get back into the swing of things, but I now have my little boy back! It's been great. Not only that, but he has been eating incredibly well (although still mostly pureed baby foods). He must be trying to put that weight back on that he lost. Now I find myself overly protective, and not wanting to go out much because kids all over Manitoba seem to be getting sick! I don't want to go through that again!

The first few days after James started to feel better were really hard, because although he was feeling healthier, he was not sleeping well at all. He would get up numerous times in the night - and usually needed at least one early-morning bottle to help him get back to sleep. We assumed he was hungry from the loss of so much of his food. Then he would refuse to nap during the day. It was hard on me, because he has been a good napper since birth, and suddenly he would scream if I tried to put him down! I was at a loss. Then I remembered the words of a dear friend during one of my rough times, "Heather, learn to 'roll with the punches' more". I decided I needed to do that, and so I let James stay up all morning with no nap. After lunch, just before 1pm I decided I would try to put him down. He fell asleep in about five minutes, and slept for two hours! I've done the same thing now for three days, and he's doing great with it! Not only that, but he is also sleeping a little longer in the morning, until almost 7:00am.

Today I had a chance to babysit Isaiah for an hour. Admittedly, I wanted to help out Rebekah, but I was nervous about how I would handle two very active, and very MOBILE little boys! They actually did really great once they realized that they would have to share or the toys would disappear. In the end they were actually playing well together, and I was even able to sit and relax on the floor while James showed Isaiah how to use our stereo.

Makes Me Smile

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I Spoke Too Soon

It's not over yet. Oh man... today was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Yes, even compared to losing the baby, if that seems possible. When we lost the baby I was mentally prepared. People were praying, and I was strong. Today I just felt like a failure of a mother.

We had a bad night again. James hasn't vomitted since Saturday morning, but he woke up at 3:00am this morning SCREAMING. We tried to calm him down, but it didn't work. I gave him Tylenol, and eventually he fell asleep while I rocked him. I put him into his crib, and he seemed fine... for a few minutes. Then, the screaming began again. This time Ryan went in to him after we let him cry for almost 20 minutes with no quiet. He finally opted to give him a bottle, which settled him temporarily. Ryan even brought him down to the basement, and was willing to let him play if he wanted to - but that was not the answer. We are both beat, all we wanted was to go back to sleep. James did not really get much sleep after 4:30am, and I suppose we didn't really either. Then he decided that even though he was up at that hour, he was not going to nap all day. He was sort of happy, but I could see that he was exhausted. I tried putting him down at 10:00am - and he screamed. This new screaming thing is hard on me. I don't know what to make of it. At 11:30am I gave up, and took him out of his crib. His eyes were bloodshot from crying so much, and he had those horrible crying hiccups. I felt so terrible. I gave him lunch, and then attempted another nap at 1:00pm. Because I was unsure what was causing his distress, I cracked open the Infant Gravol my mom had bought and gave him a dose. He still wailed when I put him down in the crib, but thankfully it was pretty short and he fell asleep. I crawled into bed too - but the nap only lasted an hour. I thought he would be up for good, so I took him out of his room only to find that he fell asleep again on my shoulder. I was scared to put him down and wake him, so I just sat in the rocking chair with him for another 45 minutes. He seemed grumpy and tired all afternoon, as well as clingy and whiney. I was ready to call it quits. Throw in the towel. Go on a vacation for a month. After supper he cheered up, and went down to sleep fairly well.

Now I have that awful nighttime anxiety. Will he wake up again? What should we do if he wakes up? Is he still sick? If he's still sick, do we let him cry it out? Will he be back to normal tomorrow? Is this his newest stage? Will it be like this FOREVER now?!? AHHHH!!! I feel rather unprepared for this, and I am finding it hard to FULLY RELY ON GOD. My fears are overtaking me, and I am worrying all my prayers. I hate it when it gets like this - things feel out of my control (which they are), and I don't know how to grab the reigns. Argh.

I've Got My Kid Back

Whew - what a week! James was sick from Monday until Saturday morning. On Saturday morning he threw up twice after his morning bottle, and I just couldn't stand watching him suffer any longer. We were all up from about 4:30am (after a big throw-up in his crib), so I figured we might as well beat the rush and head to the hospital before 9:00am. What did it matter, we were all awake anyway?! So, we took James in to the hospital. We could have just gone to the walk-in clinic, but I decided that if he was already dehydrated they would send us to a hospital anyway. There was no one there, so we got to see the Doctor almost right away. He checked James out, and thankfully he was not dehydrated. We had no way to gauge how much he had been drinking, because it seemed like anything he drank would just come back up - including water. The Doctor figured he probably had Rotavirus, which can last 7-10 days. Usually, a common stomach flu would only last 3-5 days. He definately has lost some weight - you can see it just by looking at him. But he was not thin to begin with, so he doesn't look bad.

Anyway, by Saturday afternoon he still had no fever, and seemed to be able to hold down his food and drink. The Doctor had told us to let him eat whatever and whenever he wanted - the worst that would happen is that he would just bring it up. We let him eat, and he finally kept it down. It was such a huge relief for me! By evening he was almost back to his old self, but still unusually tired. He went to bed 1/2 hour early. At 4:30am this morning he was awake and SCREAMING! We thought he had vomited, so we went rushing into his room. He just kept pointing at the door, so we let him lead us to his desired location. The fridge. He was hungry! Ryan gave him a bottle of milk, and he went back to sleep until 6:30am. He drank another 6oz. when he woke up, and then ate breakfast. He also ate his lunch, and seemed to be back to his old, happy self again. What a breath of fresh air! He didn't want to nap all morning, and only went down to nap at 1:00pm! That was a first! We decided that we needed to get out of the house after his nap, so we took my parents with us and went to the mall. James had a great time, and behaved wonderfully at the restaurant for supper.

It's amazing what one week with a sick kids, nighttime wake-ups, a million loads of laundry and a lot of vomitting can do to a person! I am totally beat. I am so thankful that he seems well again, and I hope we can start to get healthier as the weather starts to improve.

Something cute that James did today reminded me that he watches us ALL the time. His sippy cups aren't drip proof, and sometimes something will drip out when he's not careful. If there is just a small drip, and nothing around to clean it up with, Ryan or I will often just wipe it up with our foot. Today James saw his cup drip onto the floor, after which he immediately wiped it up with his foot! Hahaha!

This week's potential projects: Cut out the morning nap (seeing as he did it on his own today), take away the morning bottle (could be tough, he literally screams if we don't have one when we enter his room), and attempt the beginning stages of potty training when the potty seats arrive (no rush on this one, but he appears to be interested).

My Fifteen Month-Old

WOW - James is fifteen months old today! I'm sure many of you moms out there with kids older than that will read this and think "I totally remember when (insert child's name here) was fifteen months!". You will be thinking that because it is such a FUN and interesting stage with tonnes of learning. He can walk, run, dance, clap, hide, sing, and talk. It is incredibly fun to sit and watch him learn. You can almost hear those little brain gears churning when he sets his mind to something. Yesterday he was kept busy with books. Sometimes he would sit down with one, and it would look like he was reading it. Other times, he would try to pile them up to make a tower, or stand them up on their sides along the table. It is so very cute to watch! He is also copying us more and more. I'll do something, and then later see him do the same thing and it reminds me how careful I have to be with my actions and speech! He already knows a lot of my dance moves... scary. He is also really starting to talk more too. He will often ask me to "hide... peek" these days. That means I have to hide behind the curtains until he comes to peek at me.

Just yesterday he pointed at the toilet and said "pee". I always make a big fuss if he watches me going to the bathroom, and I'll say "Yay! Mommy went pee on the potty! Mommy is a good girl, she went pee on the potty". I was so excited that he seemed to know that the toilet was for pee. Later in the evening he kept saying "Pee! Pee!". So I said, "Okay James, let's go pee on the potty then". I stripped him down, and sat him on the toilet. He didn't seem to mind, but he didn't go pee. Just as he stepped off the toilet onto the floor he went pee! I laughed so hard, because I was so proud that he knew that he had to pee. Needless to say, I ordered a potty online today from Toys 'R Us. It should be here in a couple of days.

He is also getting to be a big boy in other ways too. He only gets one bottle a day, which is in the morning. He will cry if he does not get a bottle then, even if we try with a sippy cup. Anyway, he now goes to sleep at night with no bottle and no rocking. I'm very proud of him, because he actually did it with very little crying on the first night we tried it! He is still eating mostly pureed baby foods though. If anyone has ever had a child who didn't seem interested in moving on to table foods - please let me know! He loves playing with Mega Blocks, balls, and his Playskool basketball net. Of course, he would happily trade in all those toys if we would just chase him nonstop all day.

James is such a joy - really, we just can't get enough of him. Ryan and I have spent countless hours just watching him, and we keep saying it over-and-over again, "He is the best thing EVER!". Recently someone asked me how many children we would like to have. This was a question that came during a discussion about the miscarriage. I had to honestly say to her that right now, all I can think about is how blessed I am to have JAMES. If God blesses us with more children, I will be grateful - but for now I just want to count the one big blessing that I already have, my little boy. I don't want to forget the miracle that he is, and I don't want to focus too much on what we don't have. For now I am just hugging him extra tight, and loving every second that I get to spend with him.

Sick Kid Update

James is still not feeling too good. He only had one puke yesterday though, which happened at noon when I tried giving him baby cereal again. The rest of the day he drank little sips of pedialyte, and ate a little bit of a rice cracker. He only seems to want to drink if we give it to him in a syringe. I think he likes that because it seems fun. Anyway, he napped frequently through the day - and I think I watched more TV yesterday than I have for the last year! He seemed happy to just rest on me while we sat on the couch. In a way, it's sort of nice, and kind of cute - but I would take my busy, happy, healthy, energetic kid ANY DAY. His fever fluctuates, and can be anywhere from normal (36.5) to 38.5 at it's highest. I've been giving him Tylenol and Motrin, and that helps a lot.

He slept pretty well last night, and didn't vomit at all. He went down to bed at 7:30pm, had a brief wake-up at 9:00pm and then slept until almost 5:00am. I think by 5:00am he was just really thirsty, and he drank a fair bit of the pedialyte. He had more cereal this morning, and so far no vomit. He is still a little feverish, but otherwise seems to be improving. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. You could also pray for Trevor, Rebekah and Isaiah. Isaiah has also been sick with the same thing, but now so are Trevor and Rebekah! So far Ryan and I remain mostly healthy.

I blame the weather for all this sickness. We haven't really been outside at all this winter. James doesn't like the cold, and it makes his eyes water really badly. Ryan told me this morning that we have had 18 days this winter with a temprature below -30. The average is 6! We are just in desperate need of fresh air. I cannot wait for Spring/Summer, and going back to being outside all day.

Sick, Again

THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC CONTENT ABOUT VOMIT!

So... this past week I went back to James' old napping schedule - long nap in the morning, short nap in the afternoon - and guess what?! He started sleeping until 6:00-6:30 again! Yay! I'm just going to keep things like this now, and slowly move his morning nap later in the day - with a goal of one nap a day, from about 1:00pm-3:00pm. I'm in no rush with this though, because he seems to do well on his current schedule.

Thank goodness yesterday was a holiday, because it turned out to be a rotten day for James. He got his morning bottle when he woke up, and then proceeded to throw up the entire thing - plus extra, according to my husband. Thinking he just had a bought of sour tummy, I gave him his breakfast as per usual - only to have him throw all of that up (on the last bite of course), filling up his entire highchair tray. We cut him off entirely from food, and just tried giving him water. That seemed to keep him happy until lunch time, and he had no fever and was happy and energetic. He ate lunch happily, and just when I thought he might be over the worst of it, up came ALL of his lunch, and more. He appeared to want to keep eating though, so I let him have just his pears and water. He ate it all, and it stayed down. We decided we would still go out for lunch with Ryan's parents - as James appeared to be happy and doing alright at that time. En route to the restaurant he vomitted up all the pears. It is terribly gross no matter what, but a vomit in the car is really bad. It was all over his snowsuit, the carseat, the diaper bag - and us with no rags. We tried to clean up the best we could with Kleenex and wipes. Ew. We went for lunch anyway, and he did fine. Someone gave him a french fry though, and he had a little vomit from that. We made it home (as his tummy was now empty I'm sure), and got him down for a nap. After his nap things went downhill. He had a fever, and he threw up everything we gave him - even just sips of water. He was completely lethargic all afternoon, and we started to worry about dehydration. My parents were in the city, so we had them pick up some pedialyte for us. The afternoon proved to be a challenge, with several loads of laundry and many changes of clothing and such. It is heartbreaking to see your child sick like that. After supper he seemed to improve, and drank some of the pedialyte. We put him down to sleep at 9:00pm, only to rush into his room 15 minutes later because he had puked again. He was still sleeping, so we didn't disturb him - and simply removed the blanket with the small spot of vomit on it. We had layered his bed with blankets for that very reason. About an hour later he was screaming, and we went back into his room to find him and his bed soaked with vomit. All he had in his tummy was the little bit of pedialyte. Poor guy! We cleaned it all up, and he happily fell back into his crib to sleep. The night was rough. He was up every hour, and though we didn't have to go in to him each time I knew he wasn't getting much sleep, and neither were we. At about 4:30am he started crying, so Ryan went in with him. He gave him sips of pedialyte every few minutes, right until 7:00am. This morning James seems a little better, but still has a little bit of fever. He has kept down quite a bit of pedialyte, rice cookies and cereal. He is still unhappy though, and I have a concern that it may be his ears again. Anyway, hopefully the worst is over and he'll continue to improve through the day.

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Maybe It's My Fault!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope that today you get some extra love lavished on you - either from a loved one, a friend, or God Himself.

I've been complaining once again about James and his sleep habits. He has been sleeping through the night now very nicely, but lately he has started to wake up for the day at 5:00am! Sometimes he is up before that, but most of the time it is around 5-5:30am. This is just UNACCEPTABLE, and far too early. I've been trying to think of way to work around it - be it with his nap schedule, or bedtime. However, it just hit me like a tonne of bricks today - I think it's MY fault! A week ago or so I switched his naps from a long (1 1/2 hour) morning nap, and a short afternoon nap (1/2 hour), to be the opposite - a short morning nap, and long afternoon nap. I thought I was doing myself a favour - and making this change might help take away that morning nap completely. I also thought it might help him sleep longer in the morning, which at that time was a 6:00-6:30am wake up. Since I've made that nap time switcheroo he has been waking up earlier and earlier. SO, it's back to the OLD naptime routine - long morning nap, short afternoon nap. If he starts to sleep until 6:00-6:30 again, we will be happy! I guess I've just been fiddling around with his schedule so much lately - thinking it needs to change - I've lost sight of the fact that maybe it was really working just fine the way it was! Who says he has to be only having ONE nap??? Argh. Sometimes being a mom is so confusing.

Moved

This weekend we had church at our local arena for a winter picnic. It was a great service, my favourite kind - one with lots of praise and worship songs, a skit by a Bible College troup, a short kid's story and then sharing time. I don't claim to be a person that has ever really felt the Holy Spirit moving me... but apparently He's working on me, and this weekend it happened very obviously. The mic was open for sharing, and before I knew it, my legs were making me stand, and my feet were walking me to the front of the crowd. I felt totally outside my own body. I had not intended on sharing - we had missed the previous Sunday after the miscarriage because I hadn't wanted to do the full explanation of it over and over again. I didn't even know what I was going to say... what I was SUPPOSED to say. I just said in my head, "Okay God, I hope You have something that You want to say - because I DON'T". Standing in front of the mic is not something I usually find very frightening. In fact, I actually enjoy public speaking. On Sunday, my hands were sweating and shaking. I probably looked a bit pale, because I was very literally scared. What on earth was I supposed to be sharing with these people?! Before I could think about it, my mouth began to move, and I heard my voice coming up with words, sentences - possibly even things that made sense. I shared about our miscarriage, and the vision that God gave me of our children on Jesus' lap. I told them that I have been asking God to give me Spiritual strength and wisdom, and that I hoped that I could use it to bless the church. It was emotional for me, and I cried. Pastor John came up, and asked Ryan and James to join us as he prayed for us. When I sat down, I could barely remember what I had said - truly, the Holy Spirit had spoken through me. It was amazing. Only then, I remembered that I had seen others in the crowd wiping tears. Later, people came to talk to me and ask me questions, and I was able to share more - and something I never believed could happen to me - I truly believed that I HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL I could share. I always thought my testimony was weak and meaningless. I believe now that God is using me, preparing me, molding me... and it's for something GREAT. I don't know what it is yet, but I can't WAIT to see!

The Best Potty for Boys?

James has a fairly noticeable "poop face", so I thought I might soon start putting him on the potty when I see him doing it. The only trouble is that I usually notice him doing it most often when we are playing in the basement, and there is no bathroom down there. I think I will get a little potty to use for this reason. Does anyone have any suggestions on which potty works best for boys? I've heard a lot of good reports about the Baby Bjorn potty chair, however it is a little pricey I think. Any other toilet training tips for boys are also welcome. I'm in no rush with it - just thought that since I can tell when he is going I might as well put him on the potty!

Pampered!

It has been a rough week, needless to say. I think I mentioned that last week Friday we took James to see the pediatrician because he had an ear infection. I then discovered at least two to three new molars coming through his gums, and possibly more! All this has made James a very clingy, unhappy little boy. Then, on Monday night while playing in the basement, he started to cry very hard - and just flopped down on the floor and wouldn't walk. He would try to get up, but just flop down and cry. He eventually started to walk a little more, but he would limp, and then his legs would buckle, and he would fall down again. It was heart-wrenching to watch, but we couldn't see anything that would indicate an injury, or splinter or anything. On Tuesday morning he was walking a little bit more, but we were worried so we decided to take him in again. The wait was especially long, and James was NOT happy to wait. Plus, we couldn't let him just run around because he kept limping and falling! Finally we got in to see the Dr., and she also couldn't see anything serious. She told us to keep an eye on it, and let him walk as much as he wanted to. Today he seems much better, but still has moments where he has a slight limp. I think he might have just stepped on a toy, and bruised the bottom of his foot.

So, what does any of this have to do with being pampered? Well, my mother-in-law knows me pretty well. She knows that I need to take it easy and relax, but that I find it very hard to ignore household chores. I've actually been ignoring them pretty well, but she decided to bless me in a very special way - she hired her cleaning lady to come to my place once a week for a month! She came today for the first time, and I have to say it is amazing how great it feels to come into your house and it is entirely cleaned! I am SO pumped, and feel so very blessed to have one less thing to think about for a few weeks. I just hope I don't get too used to it.

Smartie Pants

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Why do babies go away (or never come at all)?

Of course, once again this question is heavy on my heart and mind. Today was a tougher day than the last few. James has an ear infection, and although he started antibiotics last night he has not been very happy. All day today he has whined and cried, and it is grating the wrong way on my weakening nerves. I want to make him better, and I don't want him to have pain, but his constant need for me is disheartening at time. Maybe you wonder how I can say that after I just lost a baby, but if you are a mom I think you understand. Sometimes a mom just needs space - and right now I really need space to think, and grieve. Grieving is so important when you lose someone. If you don't grieve, the empty place in your heart just starts to grow into a cold space. When you grieve, it gives that place warmth and fills it up with love.

So, why do babies go away or never come at all? To me it seems like there has been a huge influx in the number of women who are losing babies, or can't have them. I've been asking God about this, and I came up with something today - however, I have no Biblical backup for these thoughts or ideas. I kind of wonder if God is sparing these little lives from the up-coming tribulation. I can't say that this is for sure, but maybe He is letting a few of the stronger ones stay - ones that might be able to lead - and the ones that are more sensitive, He is just taking them Home. It's just a theory, and I kind of like it.

I also think that Satan is attacking harder than ever. Those that are growing in Christ (ALL of us), and learning new things can expect to be attacked by the enemy. I don't know why God allows it to happen, but He can see the big picture, and I trust that He allows it when it will be for the greater benefit of His Kingdom. When we were driving to the hospital on Wednesday morning I had a picture in my head of myself, standing on a rock (my faith). Satan was hurling darts at me, and I was in serious pain - but I would not fall off that rock. I wouldn't allow it. I would NEVER allow it, no matter how much it hurt - I WOULD stay standing on the Rock. That's when that little blurb came into my head, combining two lines of two songs:

"Tho' Satan's darts at me are hurled", and I'm wincing in pain,
"I will not be shaken, I will not be moved".

I keep leaning on the promise that Christ will be my Rock, my Support, my Comfort, my Shelter, and my Saviour. I keep reminding myself to let him carry my burdens, as I was not meant to carry them myself. I'm trying so desperately to be strong, and to be as a candle in the darkness through all of this. I can say though that today I'm feeling a little weaker, and the tears have fallen a little quicker. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Update: This evening things just continued to go downhill with my mood and my emotions. After a miscarriage, a woman goes through the same type of baby blues as when having a baby. I think this is what my body is going through right now. I completely broke down this evening, and in my head I just said "Lord, I need someone who cares to call me". Not more than two minutes later the phone rang. I didn't answer it, but Ryan's voice came down the stairs, "It's for you". I asked who it was, and his reply, "Rebekah". God is amazing! Not only did she call, but she came over right away (thank goodness she lives next door). She talked and prayed with me, and then helped me wash the dishes. I feel so much better. I don't know what I'm going to do without her around this summer! I love you Rebekah.

When It Rains, It Pours

Since getting home from the hospital on Wednesday night, James has been a bear. He is usually extremely happy and fun, but since Wednesday he has been clingy, whiny, and just plain miserable. Not great timing. He also had a fever, so today we took him to the Dr. as I was fairly certain he had an ear infection again. Sure enough, he does have an ear infection - so now he's on medication for that, and hopefully will be back to his old self soon!

I've been feeling quite good, mentally, physically and spiritually. This miscarriage has been so different than the first one, and for so many different reasons. It's different because we have JAMES! We have a beautiful son, and we know that there is hope and that we know we can have children. It is also different because my FAITH is so much STRONGER. I have been learning in the last year to FULLY RELY ON GOD, and it is helping. Also, it is different because with our first we didn't know if we would ever have our own children. Now that we have James, we aren't having the same kind of devastating feelings like we had with losing our first. Your prayers are keeping us afloat, and I am so thankful for all of you and your support. We truly can FEEL it.

Last night God put the word "refuge" into my head. So, I went to Bible Gateway and typed in "take refuge" in the search section. I found II Samuel 22, and I will share a few verses with you.

“The Lord is my ROCK, my fortress, and my savior;

my God is my ROCK, in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the power that SAVES me,

and my place of safety. He is my REFUGE, my savior,

the one who saves me from violence.

I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,

and he saved me from my enemies.

“The waves of death overwhelmed me;

floods of destruction swept over me.

The grave wrapped its ropes around me;

death laid a trap in my path.

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;

yes, I cried to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary;

my cry reached his ears.”