Weird Weekend

This weekend was just... weird. I experienced a pile of new and unexpected emotions, and feelings, and it was just so... weird. Sorry for a lack of better words, but it's so hard to explain.

It seemed like I had to explain our miscarriage a hundred times this weekend. I don't know what happened, but it just seemed like I ran into every single person who somehow had not heard that we had lost our baby. We also had at least three phone calls from people who either had just heard the news, or were calling to see how we were doing. I felt like I was travelling backwards. Back into the memories, back into the grief. I had to fight the emotions and the lonliness and the tears a lot. Just this morning I had a client ask how I was doing, and I said I was fine. She followed that by saying, "even with all the morning sickness and everything?". I had to tell her I was no longer expecting. When will it ever end?!

I did get to talk to another girl this weekend who recently miscarried. That was really good for me I think. She talked about things that she experiencing, and I just kept saying, "Yes, I've been feeling exactly like that too". It felt so good to feel "normal", and that we could both relate to one another. It's tough to go from the mindset of getting ready for a baby, to suddenly not. I still go past the baby section in Walmart and think "oh, I should check the price of strollers" or "I wonder if I should stock up on diapers early". It's hard to just stop thinking about having a baby. It was nice to know that she was feeling the same way. Ironically, she and her husband have been in the process of buying a new car - just like Ryan and I. The whole purpose of the new car was for the new baby. We needed a four door, more reliable vehicle. Well, we still bought the new car - but it felt sort of weird, because we weren't expecting a baby anymore, and yet it was important to me that the car had a large trunk for strollers and playpens and stuff, and that it was equipped with up-to-date baby car seat harness hardware, etc. It totally feels weird to want baby things, but there is no baby on the way.

To top off my weird weekend, we got a call on Sunday night from someone close to us to say they were expecting. Wow! We were so excited to hear the news, but at the same time a pang of pain poked at my heart. How can these two emotions be so separate, and yet so linked? I was joyful, but sad. It was eventually going to happen that someone we knew would get pregnant, and I had sort of been dreading that day. It went much better than I thought it might, but I did cry - and I know that Ryan sort of found it hard to understand this new stage of emotions. I think the only thing that would really "cure" me is if we would get pregnant again soon. However, I also don't want to get my hopes up so that I'm not too let down if we don't have immediate success. *sigh* As my friend said on the phone this weekend, "it's a long road".