Boredom Buster

Thinking about the Twins

A year ago today Ryan and I found out we had lost twins, which was the first pregnancy after James was born. I don't want to spend time thinking about that day, but I do want to think about what life might have been like right now if the twins had lived! First of all, it would be completely chaotic here! It's hard to imagine what it would look like to have two 5 month olds, and a two year-old. Hahahaha! I think God may have known me well enough to know that I may not have been totally able to handle that. However, He likely would have provided me strength to make it work - and I know I would have loved it. Our family would likely have been nearly complete, and we would probably be on the lookout for a new (larger) home - or at least drawing up the plans to build a new one. I wonder who they were - two girls, two boys, or one of each? I sometimes remember the vision I got of a boy and girl on Jesus' lap, so I like to think it was one of each. I am thankful that those little ones are with Jesus now, and I very much look forward to meeting my twins someday. It hasn't escaped my mind that perhaps that little fluke of nature could happen again... could I be carrying twins again this time? (The clothes in the photo are outfits I've bought for this baby, be it a girl or a boy).

I had an appointment with my Dr. today, and things appear to be going smoothly. It's still very much a "time will tell" situation. I have requested an early ultrasound, which she is looking into, but there are no promises that I will get a sneak peak at this little one.

Admittedly, I am not handling the anxiety very well. I am often overwhelmed with emotions, and concerns for this baby. Time seems to be ticking very slowly right now, but I know that come the 14 week mark things are going to drastically speed up! Ryan and I got to have a nice quiet lunch together today on our way home from the Dr. We discussed our plans to rearrange the house a little bit, so that James will have his own room upstairs. I am getting excited to make the changes - even though it will make things a little cramped in other areas of the house. I've always wanted to make my kid's rooms really special - and this is my chance. My favourite idea: making one of the crawl spaces in his room into a special playing area/hideout.

On Tuesday of this week my friend Jeryn and her son Hayden (also two), invited James and I to go to the Manitoba Children's Museum in Winnipeg at the Forks. We had a great time! I didn't really have the energy or ambition to go - but I was starting to feel sorry for James, and knew he needed the time out to do something fun and special. He loved it, as he usually does. I am glad I sucked it up and took him - he seems to be a little bit of a different kid since our day out.

Trust

In 1859 a man named Emile Blondin was the first person to walk a tightrope over the Niagra Falls, from the U.S. side to the Canadian side. Over the years he proved to be quite the showman, doing a somersault in the middle of the rope and then continuing to walk across it, walking across in a gorilla suit, pushing a wheelbarrow across, etc. One day he asked the crowd of 100,000 if they believed he could walk across the rope with a man on his back. The crowd chanted "We believe! We believe!". Mr. Blondin then asked the crowd if someone would please step forward and volunteer. The crowd stood quiet. Eventually Blondin's manager came forward, and Blondin successfully walked over the rope with this man on his back.

How often do we claim to believe and trust in God, and yet when it comes time to prove it, we cannot give up our lives to Him completely. I am guilty of this. I WANT to trust God, in fact, I likely have said that I do in many cases. But right now, when it's truly time to hand everything over to Him, I can't let go. I don't entirely trust Him to fulfill my needs the way I want them to be fulfilled. I almost convince myself that if I do trust Him, I am going to end up disappointed, because surely God's will for me is never the same as my own. Do you ever struggle with giving things up to God? How do you get past your fear of disappointment?

Pregnancy Progress

Well, according to my ticker I am six weeks pregnant. I sure do hope that I am six weeks pregnant, and I sure do hope (and believe) that there is a six week old baby living cozily inside my womb right now. The tough part is having no way to really know. The waiting nearly drives me insane. I have to make a huge conscious effort to keep busy, otherwise my mind wanders off to dark places. My previous miscarriage history is as follows:

First Pregnancy - signs of miscarriage at 14 weeks, baby was approx. 8 weeks

Second Pregnancy - JAMES IS BORN!

Third Pregnancy - signs of miscarriage at 11 weeks, babies were approx. 6 weeks

Fourth Pregnancy - signs of miscarriage at 10 weeks, no baby present

It would appear so far that there have been no signs of any major problems. In my last three pregnancies, I had early bleeding which required me to have a WinRho shot within the first few weeks of pregnancy because I am RhNeg. This pregnancy I have not experienced any bleeding, which I am taking to be a good sign. The bleeding I had with James was a minor "yolk sac bleed" which is apparently common, but not always seen because early ultrasounds are not always done. In my first and third pregnancy, it was noted on the ultrasound report that there was large "subchorionic bleeding" shown - the same kind of bleeding I had with James, except lethal in these cases. There is nothing that can really be done to prevent these bleeds - however, taking progesterone, and avoiding intercourse is suggested as being some ways to help prevent it. So, I am hoping and praying that it will do the trick. I am also taking "baby aspirin" as per several people's suggestions. I feel like a regular pill popper! But I'll do anything I can to help this little one survive.

When I take time to think about how complex it is for that little being to come to life - how many cells connect, build and grow, it makes it seem almost unreal that ANY baby can really make it. Looking at James, how beautifully and wonderfully made he is, is so truly amazing. When I can see the veins in his hands, the hairs on his head, his ears, his fingers... all in the right place, working as they are supposed to. What a miracle! How AMAZING! God is so good to us.

My pregnancy symptoms are all of the usuals. I am exhausted, and I don't recall being exhausted like this in any of my pregnancies except with James. I am bloated, gassy, irritable, and constipated. Body parts are growing (just graduated to a larger bra this week), tender and unhappy. I am also feeling more and more nauseous - but this time around my nausea hits the worst at night, so I've been having trouble sleeping. I think that this is because I take the progesterone at night. It's completely possible that the progesterone is providing all of these symptoms for me, and masking other problems - but I am hoping that it is simply helping my body do what it is supposed to be doing right now. I don't really think I am showing at all - I can't remember when that happens? The bloating makes me look about 4 months pregnant right now. I appreciate all your prayers and support. I do feel it, because I have a lot more peace than I thought I would. I'll keep you updated.

Jamers

I was going to write something like, "So, what has James been up to lately?", but realized it's more like, "What HASN'T James been up to lately?!". James is a very, super active two year-old. Since getting home from Maui James has been a handful to say the least. I mean this in both a positive and negative way. He is usually happy, and has very rare grumpy moments. He only gets grumpy when I have to finally put my foot down and say "NO". Lately, I've been saying those words a lot more than usual, as well as "stop that", "please don't do that", "get off of there", "not right now", "listen to mommy", "listen to mommy please", "LISTEN TO MOMMY"! James seems to have gone deaf over the last few weeks. He has developed a serious case of Selective Hearing. It can be quite frustrating - especially at inconvenient times. For example, when he running at full speed with the mini cart through the store and I can't catch him. For this exhausted, prego-mama it is a lot of work to keep up these days. I think we are all looking forward to warmer weather!

I wasn't intending on complaining about James though - just stating the truth of his current stage. He is growing like a week, going from 34" tall in October, to a full 35" tall as of this morning. He is weighing in at about 26 lbs, which isn't big - he's really mostly muscle. With all the action, there's no way he can keep on weight, so I don't limit his diet of healthy fats. He still drinks lots of homo milk, lots of cheese, etc. He's a great eater, I can't complain about that! He will try a lot of things, and is getting better and better at eating a variety of foods. I am also getting better at tayloring our meals to work for everyone.

James is not anywhere NEAR potty training (see photo to the left). I had been all motivated the other day when I got a $3 off coupon for Pull-Ups, so I went and picked up some cool Cars ones. James has occassionally sat on his potty, and on the big potty - but never pooped or peed in it yet. I tried to make the start of training fun and exciting, but it had the opposite effect. He is now totally determined NOT to be on the potty. So, I'm not pushing it. I'll wait for more "signs of readiness" and try again in a month or two. It might be easier to wait until summer, we'll see.

James is an entertainer. He is an acrobat. He doesn't stop moving, talking, joking, tickling, jumping, singing, playing... EVER. He really is one of the happiest, fun kids I've ever known! He is always a complete goofball. It's so fun to watch him play imaginary things with his toys - particularly his Hot Wheels. Listening in to the conversation never ceases to be entertainging. One such conversation might go like this:

"Hello! How you doing? (noises inserted) Fill up the gas, OK! Thank you! (noises) 'Scuse me, thank you. Want some? No thanks. OK! Bye, see you soon!".

It's hilarious. He is also addicted to cartoons, which is a dream for prego-mama, because I definately need more rest time these days. He'll watch anything and everything, but really likes Toopi & Binoo, Diego, and Dora. I do still limit his TV watching, which he is usually totally fine with as long as HE gets to turn off the TV. He is very insistent that most of the time it's "MY TURN!".

It seems like yesterday that I was picking up 3 month clothes for him, and now it's 3T! I just noticed yesterday that I need to get him some new socks. Didn't I JUST buy him 24 month socks? It's crazy how fast he's growing. He's just barely fitting into his winter snowsuit from last year now - and the new one waits in the closet for next year. I'm determined to make this one last until Spring. At a baby shower James got a pair of size 7 rubber boots (classic black, with orange soles), and it seemed like it would be forever until he would wear them. Now I am already envisioning him wearing them this Spring in the puddles in the backyard. I try to savour every moment with him. I know that this is a very special time we have right now, before the new baby arrives. What will James think when my attention is divided? I want to just give him as much as I can right now. He is so sweet, loveable, huggable, adorable. I could never, ever has guessed I would have such a bright, intelligent beautiful little boy. I love him beyond words, and thank God for Him every day.

Upswing, Downswing

It seems my emotions are never sure where they are at these days. First of all, I'm a woman, so what a big surprise! Second, I am pregnant, so no surprise there either. One day I feel great. I'll be feeling confident that things are going well, positive, happy, stable. In a moment that can all change, and suddenly I'll be in a downward spiral of worry, negativity, sadness, anxiety.
It's incredibly frightening to be pregnant after a miscarriage. Nevermind two in a row. Your emotions are already shot, and sometimes you are still grieving. Then you throw yourself back into the unknown world of pregnancy again within a few months. I WANT to be positive, and have as little stress as possible. I also want to be realistic, and I don't want to try to pretend that nothing is going to happen. I also don't want to be completely negative - even though being negative sort of feels like the "right" thing to do. It feels right because it feels like by being negative, I am not setting myself up to be majorly disappointed. I know that I cannot prevent disappointment, so with this pregnancy I am trying to be positive. I want to just enjoy every day that I have with this little one, and enjoy every moment of being able to be pregnant.
Some days I start to feel like a baby-killer. I keep bringing these babies into existence, and then my body can't take care of them. I begin to feel guilty for getting pregnant over and over, when I don't know if I can even sustain pregnancy at all anymore.
Then I find myself doing internet research on progesterone, and go onto forums and read about how all kinds of different people who have had various experiences. I get myself all worried about it, far before I need to. I also get a little angry, because it seems like from all these forums and research, I feel like I do not have any Dr. that is willing to "go to work" on this for me. I read about women who are going for frequent ultrasounds, tests, etc. to ensure their babies are doing okay. I feel like I've really just been given a "now you just have to sit and wait" order. I don't like it. I want someone to be fighting for this baby's life for me! I want to have ultrasounds to confirm that there is a little heartbeat in there right now. I want tests, to ensure my hormone levels are right. Where is the person that wants to be an advocate for me? I feel like I am constantly trying to push the Dr. to do these things for me. Don't they want to see this little baby make it into the world, and into my arms? Hasn't enduring the loss of three precious pregnancies already been enough? What more do I have to go through before someone is going to take this really seriously?
And on top of it all, I want to trust in God. I feel I trust Him more right now than ever - and yet it doesn't totally erase my lingering concerns. Sometimes I find myself worrying about "what if I do lose this baby, then what am I going to think about God?". I don't want to let those thoughts sneak in, but they do - I'll admit it. I want to be healed, I want this baby to live. I just want to know that it's going to be okay - but no one can guarantee that.
I hate that the most beautiful thing in life is so marred for me. I want to be happy and enjoy this. Please pray for me.

It's Time

It's time to let the cat out of the bag! Guess what everyone?! We are expecting again! Sadly, this announcement is sort of losing some of it's excitement value. I've actually been having a hard time telling people, because:

1. It doesn't seem to be that exciting for anyone anymore, and I don't blame them!

2. It means I have to go back to everyone with the news IF things go badly (but they won't).

3. I know so many people who are struggling to conceive, and I don't want to hurt them.

But we are expecting again, and I can honestly say that I am feeling mostly optimistic. I knew it was possible that we could be bringing home this very special souvenir from Maui - but it happened a little sooner than I expected! I actually didn't even notice that I was already experiencing pregnancy symptoms before the "special date" had arrived! In hindsight, I now know that I must have gotten pregnant almost a week sooner than expected - and began to have symptoms almost right away. I did not clue in when I whiffed a glass of wine and almost gagged. I also didn't think much of the VERY noticeable weight gain/water retention/bloating when we came home and I couldn't fit into the jeans that I had worn on the way there. I just figured I had over-indulged on all the good stuff. Anyway, a day or two after the "special date", I asked my sister-in-law how soon a person could start getting pregnancy symptoms? I had started to notice some definate changes in my... body. I sort of waved it off, and assumed that perhaps wearing my bathing suit so much wasn't providing enough support to "the girls", and they were a little sore. After being home for about a week, the symptoms were getting pretty unmistakeable - but I still assumed that I hadn't been pregnant for more than a week or two. I went to see my Dr., who also thought it would be too early to test. We decided to wait over the weekend, and do a test the following Tuesday. I got home, but was simply not convinced that I could only be just a few weeks pregnant and have such noticeable symptoms. I took matters into my own hands, and did a test at home - in the middle of the afternoon. What I got was...

I was so pumped! I've had a few days where I've felt the fear and anxiety try to make it's way in - but I've really been fighting it. I also feel optimistic because I'm taking the progesterone supplements, and it feels so good to actually be TRYING to do something to help. I am also relying on a lot of Scripture, particularly James 5:14-15, which says:

Are you sick? Call the church leaders together to pray and anoint you with oil in the name of the Master. Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you've sinned, you'll be forgiven—healed inside and out.

I had our pastor couple, and some church elders anoint me with oil and pray over me in November. I am believing in a miracle - and I believe I am healed. I DO believe that this baby is going to be in our arms in a few months! All your prayers are definately welcome, as I know that the next few critical weeks will be a little tough for me. I hope to stay as busy as I can, to keep my mind from worrying. I just also want to thank all of you for your support - it means so much to me to know you are standing behind us.

Moolah!

For Christmas this year I was blessed to receive a combined total of $330 worth of mall gift certificates. At first, I was thrilled. How fun would it be to go and do some guilt-free shopping?! However, it was soon after that initial thought that my practical side kicked it. I didn't want to just go and blow all that money, only to regret it later on! What should I spend it on - one big item, or lots of little ones? What do I WANT? What do I NEED? HELP! I started to actually feel a little bit stressed out about not wanting to regret how I would spend the $330. Or what if I would spend it, and then find something else I would want more in a few months? I took the gift cards along on my next mall trip, and decided to see what would happen. I did have a few ideas: a new camera, new every-day dishes (we currently own a hodge-podge of dishes combined from both Ryan and I), or maybe a leather jacket. After picking up some photos from Black's, I browsed their camera section. I decided I wanted a new camera - so I picked up a new Nikon Coolpix P80, with two memory cards, and a carrying case. My gift cards were officially spent. I've been having fun with the camera - but I find it to be really slow. That just doesn't work when you are snapping shots of a two year-old. So I'm thinking I may return the camera. But then I'm back to square one. How should I spend my Christmas moolah? What would YOU spend $330 on? And don't tell me you'd splurge it all on clothes.

Survey Results

Here are the results from a recent Strengths Survey I did online. You can do it too, by clicking here - I'd love to hear your top and bottom four. What do you think? Does this sound like me?

My Top Four:

My Top Character Strength
Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith

My Second Character Strength
Capacity to love and be loved

My Third Character Strength
Perspective (wisdom)

My Fourth Character Strength
Kindness and generosity

My Bottom Four:

Character Strength #21
Creativity, ingenuity, and originality

Character Strength #22
Modesty and humility

Character Strength #23
Bravery and valor

Character Strength #24
Self-control and self-regulation

PODS

It was an exciting moment when we finally boarded the plane in Vancouver to fly over to Maui. Everyone was tired from the previous day of travelling, but we all knew that this was the last leg of our journey to complete relaxation! I don't know if I was the only one who gasped in surprise when we stepped onto the plane, and into the Executive Class seating area. WHAT ON THE PLANET EARTH WERE THOSE?!? The plane was set up with new, futuristic POD seats. To accurately understand the concept, just check out the photos below. Alright, so they are very cool-looking, comfortable (they fold completely flat to make a bed), and a luxury - if you AREN'T travelling with toddlers! Travelling with a toddler requires almost complete assistance from a parent at all times - and you have to be seated beside each other to do this! I didn't know how it was going to work - James was basically in his own little room. When we had finally got it all figured out, and settled in (with me in a POD across the aisle from James, and Ryan in front of him), we were informed by a flight attendant that one parent would have to be in the POD behind James, for safety purposes. After rearranging again, we were all set - with all three toddlers in PODs, and parents seated behind them. Frustrating. It actually went better than I thought, although there was a lot of moving from POD to POD to keep the kids happy. It was funny because the POD seats have all kinds of buttons, and can move around like an automatic car seat. We would see the kid's heads just above the half wall partitions moving up, down, back and forth when they played with the buttons! On our way back we had the same situation, except the flight attendants made a big deal about us having James in a carseat. Apparently the PODs "were not really designed for infant travel", and thus the carseat was a safety problem because of the built-in airbags. Yes, airbags. So I had to hold James on my lap for takeoff and landing. Anyway, this is just a warning for all you parents of toddlers who may fly Executive Class in the future. Enjoy the photos - it actually looked really cool when all the lights were off, and the room was lit by blue neon light.

Ryan in his POD.

James' POD.
James watches TV in my POD.

These tables actually worked well for this.

The POD seats lit up in the dark.

Happy New Year

Have a wonderfully blessed 2009, with love from Heather & family.