Back to the Beginning

This blog began back in October of 2005, just prior to the confirmation that Ryan and I were expecting our first baby. I carried that baby nearly to 15 weeks, finding out that we had lost it on this day, December 30th, 2006. We had been looking forward to the annual trip to Maui, and had delayed our departure by a few days from the rest of the family to attend a special family reunion. We never did end up at the family reunion, as were we scheduled for a D & C on that day, December 31st. The same day as the D & C, I was released to go home, and we decided to attend a small New Year's party at our friends' place. I was feeling pretty good, and we figured the company would likely help us cheer up. That was the night that I met Rebekah for the first time, and we've been friends ever since. So, despite the sadness in remembering our first little lost love, there is some happiness to the story. A day or two later we left for Maui, where I spent the entire vacation bleeding from the D & C, and therefore being reminded every day that I had lost a baby. It was a very emotional trip, but being here now actually makes it a little easier to bear. I do think about it though - and I appreciate those of you who took time to remember our first little lost baby, and sent encouraging emails. I really, really appreciate that. God bless you all in the coming New Year!

More Maui Pics

If you are wondering how come I have time to be on the computer, I still get on during James' nap times. Sometimes I go out on the balcony to read, but it's fun to check up on everyone's blogs. Here is a pic of the cousins: James, Simon, Thomas & Emily. Next year there will be one more added, as Ang and Steve are expecting No. 4.
Sometimes you need a break from the sun to watch some cartoons.

Mommy and James by the ocean. I like this photo, because you can't really tell how pastey I am.

This is sort of our view from our room. Steve & Ang have a ground-floor room that opens right onto this lawn. It's awesome for the kids!

This fountain is in the restaurant where we have breakfast every morning. It's a nice way to keep the kids entertained while we sip one last cup of coffee before starting the day.

Just a Glimpse

For my Angel Babies

I love you and I miss you, Angel Babies. I think of you often while we are here in Maui. I wrote "Angels" in the sand for you the other day - sort of a little tribute to you. Auntie Ang says that you should be called "Water Babies" because of all the tears that have been shed for you. How appropriate that my footprints surround your name in the sand - just like the footprints each one of you have left on my heart. I love you my little ones, I really wish you were here. Love, Mommy

Found a Cable

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Bummer!

Hello everyone! We are so happy to have arrived safely here in Maui. Family members that were supposed to join us in a few days have had to cancel their trip. I guess the weather has been bad in Vancouver, and flights have been cancelled. Lucky for us that we managed to escape the bad weather! Unfortunately, I forgot to pack the cable for my camera (I have a card reader on my computer at home so I don't need the cable). So I have no way to post photos right now. The weather has been great, and we've basically just been trying to adjust to the 4 hour time difference. James spends most mornings after breakfast in the pool, and we've made some friends there. Then it's nap time, and mommy-gets-to-read-out-on-the-balcony-in-the-sun time. I love it! This afternoon will likely be back out at the pool or the beach. It's wonderful. I have felt your prayers, and there have been situations where I have needed them. There are many, many children, babies, pregnant women (including my dear sister-in-law) and the like all around me all the time. I have had moments of heartache, but more often I have felt blessed to share this very special time one-on-one with James. He is having so much fun - and I would miss it if I was taking care of a little one, or holed up in the hotel room being super pregnant. I'm am trying to just enjoy each moment, because I am so acutely aware of how precious these moments are with him. I had been worried too that seeing my sister-in-law pregnant would hurt my heart, as we were supposed to have our babies just a week apart. I haven't had any hurt over it at all. I am genuinely excited for them, and look forward to hearing about the new little family member that is coming. I am also trying to enjoy the fact that I can wear "normal" clothes, a two-piece bathing suit, run, and enjoy the heat. All these things would not have come so easily if I had been pregnant. So there is some good in the bad. Also, there is some excitement in the fact that our next baby could very well be conceived here in Hawaii. Wouldn't that be a nice souvenir?!

Merry Christmas!

Well everyone, I think I am going to say my official Christmas wishes today. I need to start getting organized, clean the house, and pack up. I think it will be easier to do so if I am not also blogging. Have a very joyous Christmas! I pray that this Christmas will be your best ever, and that 2009 will hold wonderful and amazing blessings for you. I love you all, very much. May God be at the center of all you do. I'm sure I'll have more to blog while we are on vacation.

With love, Heather

In the Name of the Father

I got baptised for the second time this past Sunday (photos are coming). I was really nervous, but after an impromptu prayer from a lady in the nursery I felt a lovely calm come over me. I was so blessed to be supported by my husband, all my best friends, my parents and in-laws, my NEW church family, and even a few cousins, uncles and aunts. My friend Terrilee and her sister sang Barlow Girl's "I Need You to Love Me". They did a fantastic job, I was in tears. That particular Sunday - the second advent Sunday - is the day of REJOICING. How applicable! I read my (condensed) testimony to the church (if you are interested in reading it, please email me and I'll send it to you - it's too long to post). It was hard to read it, but I think I made it through without getting too emotional. I then answered the few questions from the church, namely that I believe in Jesus Christ, the inspired Word of God the Bible, and my intention to be baptised UPON THE CONFESSION OF MY FAITH. It felt sooooooo good to answer those questions having THOUGHT ABOUT MY ANSWERS, and meaning it when I answered "Yes"! I was helped into the water by Pastor John, and met on the other side by my dear husband. Together they helped me dunk beneath the water. I know I was crying when I went under. Wow, it felt so good to cry. I thought about how I was dying to that old self - and then closed my eyes and let the dark and the water immerse me completely, trusting fully that I would be lifted out. I pictured Jesus, and he was just grinning at me. I could almost hear Him saying, "Well done my good and faithful servant". I knew that the angels in Heaven were partying. When I was pulled out of the water, the beautifully lit Christmas tree shone off my face - and I was greeted by my pastor, and the face of my smiling husband. What a special moment - it was perfect - just as it should have been. I couldn't stop smiling. Pastor John welcomed me into the family of God, and my new church. I think people clapped... I was euphoric. I then heard my son's voice from the back of the church, "MOMMY IS CLEAN AGAIN". And then laughter.

James & Isaiah Reunite

It was SO wonderful to have Trevor, Rebekah and Isaiah over yesterday. The boys had (mostly) a good time together, although given their ages, they had a hard time sharing toys. There was A LOT of action in those few hours. There was literally a constant tornado of action. If it wasn't James initiating a contest to see how far they could jump off the couch, then it was Isaiah making an effort to completely rearrange the components of the train table! You might have thought it was two girls running around, given all the high-pitched screams of happiness! (Please excuse my annoying chant in the video, but the boys thought it was hilarious). Once both daddies arrived, Rebekah and I were finally able to sneak away and have a nice talk. It was so nice to get to connect face-to-face again, but it really just felt totally like old times. It was like they still lived right next door.

James not too thrilled to share mommy's lap with Isaiah.

Best buddies!

Finding new places to climb onto (and feeling quite proud).

Couch jumping contest.

Trying to get a pose of the boys together.

Story of the Three Trees

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, 'Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty.'

Then the second tree said, 'Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull.'

Finally the third tree said, 'I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the Hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me.'
After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, 'This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter, 'and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, 'This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard.' The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the Woodsmen said, 'I don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this one,' and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He stood and said 'Peace' and the Storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

Puts a Smile on My Face

In just over a week we are off to Maui, Hawaii for a couple of weeks. I absolutely cannot WAIT! I feel VERY, EXTREMELY blessed to have been able to enjoy this wonderful dream vacation more than once in a lifetime. It truly is something I thank God for. The opportunity to see Hawaii has not been one I've taken for granted. I also can't wait to see what James will think of it. He is at a really great travelling age this year, although he is a veteran traveller - having made the trip to Maui when he was just 5 weeks old (see photo below).


So besides just getting away from it all with the family that I adore, here are just a few highlights of things I am looking forward to on our trip (in very random order)...

Shopping in White/Black - one of my favourite stores.

Café Ciao - a little deli in our Hotel, the best place to get a delicious salad or wrap for lunch. Nevermind the drink selection, snacks, and fun kitchen gadgets and doo-dads.

The Shops at Wailea - the outdoor mall!

Our wonderfully luxurious room!

The pool - especially when it's lit up at night.

Louis Vuitton - it's always nice to browse, and stare in awe at the prices people are willing to pay for a name on a purse (which I totally would if I could).

Lappert's Ice Cream & Coffee Shop - need I say more?! Just think: homemade-tasting coconut pineapple ice cream in a waffle cone.

The Hotel - it's beautiful!

Macadamia nut crusted Mahi Mahi (fish) at Roy's Restaurant. YUMMY!

Polo Beach

The bathroom in the Hotel - it's so grand, it makes me feel famous.

And last, but certainly not least, the chocolate soufflé at Roy's Restaurant. There is nothing to compare it to... Heaven maybe?!

One of Those Days

It's one of those days when I really should have avoided Facebook, avoided the news, just avoided life outside of my own circle of friends and family. It's one of those days when EVERYONE THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BABIES seem to be having babies. People who kill their babies are having more babies. People who have lost their babies are having more babies. People who drug their babies are having more babies. Why can't I have one of their babies? It just gets so frustrating, I can't even begin to explain how it feels. Maybe a little bit like having a huge scab on my heart, and someone comes along and pulls it off. Ouch! Apologies for the raw mood I'm in - today I just have to shake my head. What is this world turning into? I suppose it doesn't help that on this day last year we were pregnant for the first time after having James. Having no baby in my arms to prove that is hurting my heart. I had hoped to be pregnant this month, because I thought that might make the pain a little less, but we are not. Sucks. I know God is in control, and I am excited and looking forward to my baptism this Sunday. I know His timing is best, and I'm fine with that - but it's still so disappointing.

Singing & Eating

This Age & Stage

I have been absolutely loving my two year-old. Yes, he has moments of testing and disobedience when I find myself using up years of stocked-up patience while I deal with him. However, I am for the most part loving this stage of his life. I keep thinking that I want to preserve him at this age, so I can take him out again later and enjoy it again - but then I would have to have him cloned so that the "other" James could still grow up.

I have been dealing with some frustrations in my motherhood quest, and I think that this week I've finally made a realization about it. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. A wonderfully cliché phrase, but it really summarizes things well. I have often been frustrated to the point of tears for the last two years that I can't seem to keep up. All around me "super moms" are caring for three or four children, making fully home-cooked meals every night, doing crafts, baking buns, homeschooling, taking kids to ballet and hockey, and still having energy to be a wife and friend. At least that's how it looks to ME. Lately I've realized that there are a few things that are making me feel this way: me comparing myself to others, first time motherhood, a son who needs lots of mommy time.

First of all, why do I compare myself to others? I don't need to have a house as neat as "Jane's", and I don't need to have mashed potatoes and roast beef on the table like "Margaret" does, and I sure don't have to bake three hundred Christmas goodies like "Julie". I can only do as much as I can and WANT to do. That's it.

I also have to remember that just because James is two doesn't mean that I'm not still a first time mom. I am learning as I go how to balance things, and still learning how to accomplish the daily needs each day. I don't have to know how to do it all right now. I am learning. I am growing. By the time I have our 10th baby on my hip, I should have it down pretty good. I expect perfection from myself, but that is totally unreasonable. I don't know how to do everything as a mom yet.

Also, I have to take James' personality into account. Just because "Karen's" daughter will play happily on her own in her room for an hour doesn't mean that James should or has to also do this. He is a boy who loves to be with people, and especially his mommy. I adore this about him, and yet it can sometimes be a drag. I have to remember that James has his own special personality. Right now, at this stage in his life, I just won't be able to do all the things I want to do. He needs me. He needs a playmate. If we are so blessed to have another child, this will change. He will have someone else to be near to. Also, he will be OLDER, and as he gets older some of these things will get easier. And eventually he won't want me around at all, and I'll be wishing he was two all over again.

Honesty

It's hard to be honest. I'd love for my blog to be filled with wonderful stories of happy times, and wise tidbits about all that God is teaching me - and then for the comments section to be filled by all the wonderful, reassuring comments that we all so love and enjoy. Perhaps you have noticed that I haven't been leaving many blog comments lately. I've been reading everyone's blogs, but my heart has been burdened so heavily lately that I don't have anything left to use to encourage and hold up other people in their struggles. When I push myself to do so, I find that I almost instantly collapse (emotionally) under the weight of all the burdens I am trying to carry for others. I had to get to the point today where I just had to give all these things up to God. I spent the morning fasting and praying, and it began to feel better. I believe that I am witnessing serious spiritual warfare. Almost everyone that I am close to is experiencing major tribulation in their lives. Including my own year of grief and sadness, I feel that I have not been able to have a genuinely good time lately. I can't remember having a really good laugh without it being followed closely by tears. This year has not been a good one. I can relate whole-heartedly to all of you who have posted about feeling tired, drained, and on the edge of being unable to cope. I pray for all of you when I pray for myself. I'm sorry that my blog has been dreary. I've tried to keep it light by posting about James - because he is my LIGHT in all this darkness. I am also looking forward to my baptism in two weeks - and I'm sure that some of this is just attacks on me from the enemy, trying to get me down in light of this great event. I feel all aspects of my life are under stress, especially my relationships. Friends, family, husband... they all feel like they are requiring more from me than I can offer. In turn, everything that they say and do falls shirt of what I am really needing, which is not their fault. I feel misunderstood. It's in my nature to want to give all of me to everyone. I hate saying no, or having nothing to say to a hurting friend. I just feel like I have nothing of value left to give. This is a lie from the enemy - and I'm fighting it with prayer. I want you all to know how much I love you and value your friendships. Thanks for continuing to come here and read these posts, praying for me and encouraging me through this tough year. Perhaps in the next year my posts will once again start to look more positive and uplifting! I sure pray that they do!