Refined by Fire

Wow, the enemy has been seriously investing time in trying to run me down lately. Last night I was attacked with horrible thoughts of bad things happening to James, and all the while I was being bombarded by lies like, "God didn't save your babies, so He certainly isn't going to protect James either", "Bad things happen to good people, and bad things are just going to keep happening to you no matter what you do, say, or how much you pray". I tried to pray, but I just felt like I couldn't think past the negative thoughts. I was trying to call out to God, but it almost felt like someone was holding my mouth closed. I kept hearing more lies, things like "If you didn't believe in God, things would be easier. You wouldn't blame anything but nature for the miscarriages. When you believe in God it just makes things like this more disappointing because you expect that this 'God' is going to help you, and He doesn't. If you didn't have so much faith in God, you wouldn't have to spend so much time worrying about your loved ones who don't believe. Remember, praying doesn't help anything. Believing in God just makes you think that bad things are happening to you because you've done something bad. If you didn't believe in God, you wouldn't be worried about that". It just kept coming and coming until I couldn't take it anymore, and just said "Satan, get out of here!". I finally fell asleep, and woke up feeling rested but my soul felt weary. The only person I was able to get a hold of right away was Rebekah (thank goodness!). I was so glad to be able to talk to someone, and get my feelings out. She was able to pray with me, and I feel much better now. I have never felt this way before - where I feel like I'm trying to talk to God, but getting no response. Usually it's the other way around for me, where I purposely let God slide out of my life, and when I try to talk to Him, He is right there waiting for me. Maybe this is one of those times where I look back and see just one set of footsteps, and although they feel like they are mine and I'm walking alone, maybe it's actually that He is REALLY carrying me right now. I don't really know what I am feeling right now, but I know that I'm not alone. I know that God loves and cares for me, and that I will get through this. I know that He has a great plan for me, and I truly believe that this is why I have to be "refined by the fire". No where does it say "you will be refined by happy things, and an easy life". No, we are going to be refined by FIRE. So I think I'm being refined, but for what? I sure am looking forward to the day that I find out!

"'I have refined you, but not as silver is refined (in fire). Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.'" Isaiah 48:10