The Journey, Explained

Prior to Ryan and I ever starting a family, I wanted to become more grounded in my faith. I knew that I would take on the roll of the spiritual leader in our home, and I wanted to be ready. I didn't want to just start my family, and then hope that my limited faith would somehow rub off on my kids so that they would pursue a deeper relationship with Jesus. I wanted them to grow up and see Jesus through me - in my words, actions, and life. I wanted to be able to confidently say to my children, "Come, take my hand and follow me". So, I began a journey to get to know God better.

Along this journey there was a short, dark tunnel when we lost our first baby to a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I believe that it happened as part of my growth in Christ - to teach me that I needed to trust Him. There are many that would argue that my baby was not taken by Christ. I agree that He did not want my baby to die, but I do believe that He allowed it because He knew that in the "big picture" it would make me a better, stronger person. Soon after that I was pregnant with my precious James.

Although my growth in Christ continued after James was born, I think I got cocky. I think I felt like I really knew God, and therefore I had the ability to call on Him whenever I wanted to. Without realizing it, I was starting to boss God around. The voice that I heard, and called His, was really my own. It seems that after two and half years, and two miscarriages later I can finally see this as the truth. I had taken matters into my own hands, and masqueraded it as being "from God". I think that the enemy saw this, and leapt into action. I had allowed space for him to enter in, and he couldn't wait to deceive me into believing that God had failed me.

The enemy lead me to believe that the words I thought I had heard from God regarding our baby were lies. I've spent the last couple of months asking God, "why did You lie to me"? However, because I know that God doesn't lie or deceive us, I had to ask myself whether the words I heard had really come from God at all.

"But any prophet who fakes it, who claims to speak in my name something I haven't commanded him to say, or speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet must die. You may be wondering among yourselves, 'How can we tell the difference, whether it was God who spoke or not?' Here's how: If what the prophet spoke in God's name doesn't happen, then obviously God wasn't behind it; the prophet made it up. Forget about him." Deuteronomy 18:20-22 (the Message)

So, after several weeks of being mad at God it has become abudantly clear that I did not hear Him speak these words. I was so eager to make Him speak to me, the enemy filled in and caused me to hear these lies.

All of this made me realize that I have not been seeking God the way I had originally intended. I was beginning to try and make God's will look like mine. I was trying to mold Him into something that would suit my needs and wants, and I forgot entirely about the desire I had to learn about His needs and wants of me. I decided that I needed to take action to get back onto the path of the journey I had originally started. The journey to know God better, and to live a life that would be pleasing to Him.

I admit that there is a part of me that believes that I needed to come to this realization before God would bless us with more children. I am not doing all these things for that purpose though. I am happy to see where it takes us, but I don't want to allow my dreams to blind me of God's will for me.

The journey continued when I read a blog about a youth pastor and his wife who had to recently confess a dark sin to their church, friends and family. There were consequences of this sin, however in confessing it they are now able to make steps towards restoration and healing. Reading her blog inspired me, and suddenly I felt that it was important that I confess a few things myself. I emailed her with my confession, and then went on to write about it in what has become my testimony.

I then went to talk to the pastor of my church and his wife last week. I had a few questions for them, and they answered them to the best of their ability. I made my confession to them as well, and also to two close friends. My pastor encouraged me to share my testimony and confession with my Bible study group - and I hope to do that this week.

I also asked him if there was ever a reason for anyone to be "re-baptised". There is actually an account in the Bible where a group of people who were baptised by John the Baptist were re-baptised after the Holy Spirit was sent to Earth after Jesus' resurrection. So, it is not unheard of. I asked my pastor if I could be re-baptised. For years I have been disappointed under the circumstances for which I got baptised. I want to make a statement publicly to declare my confession of my faith to God, and I want to make it right. He supported my request, and we are making plans to have a full immersion baptism in December. I am STOKED!

So that is where I am at right now. I am slowly making amends with God so that I can get back on track in growing in Him. I may not always succeed in trying to obey His will for my life, but I do hope that I have learned something about not trying to enforce my will on Him. There is a long way to go before there will be complete healing, but I have definately been feeling a lot better in the last few days.

All that being said, I do believe that we will be blessed with more children. I don't know when, or by what means, but I definately do not think that our family is yet complete.