Breaking Down

For the last two days I feel myself breaking down. I have an unbearable urge to cry, but even when I try to let the tears out they won't come. What is this feeling? I've been blaming it on shifting hormones, because I know that they are just starting to go back to normal now. I got myself on with an obstetrician, and I hope she will help shed some light on things as we potentially venture into pregnancy number 5. My family Dr. provided with me with all the reports from all 3 miscarriages to give to the OB. I read them the other day... and was fascinated. According to the report, we DID lose twins in January. That was never made clear to me, but the ultrasound report confirms that there were "two fetal poles present in the womb, suggesting an early twin pregnancy". I cried while reading the reports, because those papers felt like the only tangible evidence that all those little lives existed. It was like those papers were my babies, and I could finally hold them. It made me sad when I realized what a collection of "paper babies" I had. I sort of feel like the grieving of this last miscarriage is happening really slowly compared to the others. I keep thinking that I'm over it, and then suddenly I find myself entering a new stage of grief. I know that some of this is because I am still ticked off at God, and haven't been talking to Him much yet. It still really stings when I see other mom's pregnancy tickers, and pregnant women around. I am happy for them, but my heart yearns in an inexplicable manner to be in their shoes. Once that maternal urge for a baby hits, it is almost like a drug addiction (I shouldn't use this as a comparison, because I've never been addicted to drugs). It seems I can't think about much else but the desire to have a sibling for James. I am content knowing it is not in my control, and at peace with the idea that we could lose another baby - I am just not content or at peace with not being pregnant right now, because I AM SUPPOSED TO BE! I know that this is pretty raw stuff, and I am laying my heart down right here on this computer screen - but it feels like if I don't I'm just going to explode. My friends have heard so much of this already, so at least if I write it here you have the choice to read it or not, and I don't feel guilty about venting (which I obviously do feel guilty about, because I feel the need to make a comment about it). Sometimes I am just weird!
I really love this picture of James by the way. I felt I should add it, just so that there is some sunshine in this very dreary post. He always has something cute to say, but my latest favourite was when I came down the stairs the other day while he was watching cartoons. I asked "What are you watching?". James said "Bob and Bill". Unsure of what show that was, I went to look at the screen and he was watching "Bob the Builder"! Hahaha!