In More Detail

Emotionally and physically it feels that this miscarriage has been easier than the others. Maybe I'm just "getting used to it", and I just go numb when another pregnancy turns out badly. I'm not really sure. I could say the Christian cliché thing, something like "and God is keeping me strong through this", which He probably is, but I have so many questions for Him right now.

For one, I really had faith that the healing prayers said over me would be answered with a "yes". I put my heart and soul into those beliefs, and walked without question into this pregnancy feeling confident that my womb was healed - not in the future, but at that very moment.

We had been trying for a few months, and I had already wasted a few pregnancy tests. The month that I finally felt we were definately pregnant I did a test. It came back negative, but I was certain I must be pregnant. I decided I wasn't wasting another cent on pregnancy tests, so I just ignored the strong feeling. One day, while giving James his lunch I got an overwhelming urge to do a test. I actually heard God say, "Go and do a test, you will not be disappointed". I ignored it, and silently lectured myself about not getting my hopes up, and the waste of tests. Again, the strong urge to do a test, and the voice "Go and do the test, you will not be disappointed". So, I set James up with his spoon and went to do the test. After the usual instructions, I put it down on the floor and went back to James who was none too pleased that I had left him on his own in the middle of lunch! After he was done eating I went to check the test. Sure enough, there was the sign that I was pregnant again! I immediately burst into tears and jumped through the house saying "Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord!". I then reassured James that mommy was fine, and that she had a baby in her tummy.

The entire 10 weeks of pregnancy felt like it would be a keeper. I had some bleeding in the beginning, which the Dr. and I both felt was likely implantation bleeding. I felt SICK, and nauseous for most of that time - which I never did with the previous miscarriages. I was bloated, exhausted, and starting to feel tight in my clothes. Other parts of my body were showing very major signs of pregnancy as well, and I was sure this was a keeper! I asked God on so very many occasions how the baby was doing. Each time I felt He was telling me that the baby would be fine. Many other people came to me to tell me that they had strong feelings that this baby was going to fine as well. There were many faithful friends and family praying for the safety of this little one. What happened?

Finally, at the end of the 10 weeks I felt that I must have an infection or a small bleed, common in pregnancy, and something I had with James. My Dr. was on holidays, so I had Ryan take me to a walk-in on a Friday afternoon just so that I could get some peace-of-mind. The Dr. that saw me did an exam, and told me that everything was looking fine. That was not indifferent from my previous miscarriages though, so she booked me for an ultrasound the following Monday. The weekend seemed like an eternity, and the problem signs continued. Everyone was praying like crazy, and we all felt that this was just going to be a simple problem - nothing complicated.

Monday finally came and Ryan and I went to the ultrasound feeling optimistic. I was afraid to feel optimistic though, because my stats for good news in that room were low. I wanted to just trust the words that I felt I had from God that the baby would be fine. During the ultrasound I asked God to reveal to me where Jesus was. I felt that I saw Him over the shoulder of the technician, looking at the screen and giving me the thumbs up sign. When the technician left without saying much, and took a long time to return I already knew that it would be something bigger than just a minor problem. The Dr. came back with him, and those awful words "I'm sorry, but it doesn't appear to be good news".

Thankfully we didn't do the D & C in the same day like we did in January. I think all of that in one day was just too much to deal with physically and emotionally. All I wanted to do was get home to James. My baby. The one I GOT TO HAVE. So we went back the next morning for the D & C, which went fine.

So, where do we go from here? Once again we are told that there is no physical evidence for why the babies aren't surviving. They don't really start doing any tests until a third miscarriage in a row, so we likely won't be doing any testing at this point. I had already been completely off of all caffeine. One of the surgeons recommended that I take a higher dose of folic acid, which I'll start immediately. I don't really think I can do anything different. I couldn't even pray more the next time around - I was already praying every time I would think about it, and that was a lot!

I wonder now whether I am truly hearing from God. Why would He get my hopes up, and then allow them to be dashed? My faith has waivered, but to let Satan win would simply be letting him get his way - and I won't let that happen. I wonder what lesson I am to learn in all this. I can say that I am happy that one more of my children gets to go to Heaven, and that I will get to see them when I get there. I know that this one was a girl. I just felt the presence of a girl, as did many others. Anyway, that is where I am at right now. Some days are better than others. Like the poem I posted said, "How odd, a truly unique person has recently died and no one is mourning the passing". I sort of feel alone in my grieving - like there are very few others who realize how special this little baby was, and how truly sad it is that she didn't make it. I miss her, even right now, and how much I would have loved to see James be her big brother.

Almost more than self-pity and sadness, I feel for James. I want so badly for him to have siblings of his own flesh and blood. I think I want that more than I want the baby for myself. I just want a family, complete with siblings for James. I have not given up hope that I will see that dream come true. For now I am trying to remember:

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34, The Message