I just had to blog this right away today, because I wanted to do it when the emotions were fresh - and the feelings were real.
Today I've had three hits to the "baby's gone" injury I have. First was in the morning at coffee break. Our cleaning lady came in and asked me how I was doing. I figured she was asking because she had heard we'd lost the baby - she goes to my parent's church. I said I was doing fine, and then she said "it's a long nine months, eh?". Oh crap, she didn't know. So, I had to tell her the bad news, and of course that always brings on a whole load of unexpected and awkward conversation. Anyway, I went on with my day.
So a customer comes in shortly after that - a girl I knew from high school - and she asks if Ryan and I have any children yet. Well, I had made a decision to include our heavenly baby if I was ever asked - so I said, "Yes, but I had a miscarriage and the baby died in December". Crap again. Of course she felt terrible.
Then, Robin and I went for lunch with a friend and she announced that she is prego. I am pumped for her - I know they've been trying for a while. However, no matter how thrilled I am for someone, somewhere deep inside a little finger pokes at the hole in my heart.
The worst part is that I have no one close to me who understands me anymore. My two greatest (human) allies - my mom, and my husband - can no longer relate to me and my feelings. I really just feel like I'm stumbling blindly along a path I've never been on - and I just can't find light. I'm praying, trying to rely on God, but I'm just struggling. I'm trying to hold His hand, but I keep letting go of it. I'm trying to let Him carry my load, but I keep snatching it back. I'm trying to trust Him, but I keep trusting in myself. Why am I so lost? I know what I want to do - but I just can't seem to do it! How come I feel like this? Does anyone truly understand what I'm feeling? If you do, can you help me? I just need to know that I'm not off my rocker.
5 comments :
Heath,
Although I don't know what it's like to be a woman and have a miscarriage, I do know what it's like to have a heavenly baby. I have 2.
Keep the faith, Heather. Keep the Faith.
I've never experienced a miscarriage either, but I too know how it feels to have a heavenly baby. I also know all too well what it's like to have something clenched so tight in your own hands that no matter what, you feel there's no way you can ever let it go. But, I also know that God is more faithful than we can ever imagine, and that He is able to not only change our hearts, but transform them! He is bigger than anything tossed our way, and He will bring you through, whether you feel that hope or not. He is still faithful even when we are faithless, and He sticks around when we feel there's no one left who understands. He allows us to go to unknown places of brokeness and pain, so that we can run back to Him, and break free of our fears and plans. His plans are to bring you a HOPE and a FUTURE, they are NOT to harm you! Hold tight to the promises He's given you. Blessings,
you are not off your rocker..
you are ALLOWED to feel this...
give yourself permission...
and just because others can deal with their feelings quicker than you can, does not mean you have to hurry up & heal!
the funny thing i found when i actually did get pregnant...i still felt jealous when others had babies or announced they were pregnant...you just become accustomed to feeling let down or not worthy. it only went away when i saw Kamryn.
and that day will come for you too...i know it will!!
But right now, just take time to process this, don't try to rush it - this pain will never go away, but it will get easier...as you let God take the load little bits at a time...
listen to the song!!!!!!!
i love ya!
I wrote a post about this last year. Maybe it can bring you comfort. Here it is:
A person's a person no Matter How Small
(I hope the hyperlink works)
I know how you felt, Heather (since this is 5 years later...), to feel a "poke at the hole in your heart". Well said. Since my first miscarriage to now, I have known 23 (is it bad to count?) women who are either pregnant, been pregnant, or have given birth. It has been difficult to deal with witnessing because I have been pregnant twice and my arms are still empty :(
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