Never in my life have I felt so helpless and frustrated. I had pretty much assumed that my body was getting back to normal, so I've been counting down the days until my estimated next period, which would have been yesterday. It didn't come, so I decided to do a pregnancy test. I tried very hard not to get my hopes up, but I couldn't fool my heart. The test came back negative. So, now I am stuck with being unpregnant, AND I haven't had a period. I thought I had really given this all to God, and I was being so faithful and brave, but... this is just heart-breaking for me.
I keep thinking "everyone else can have a baby". People who abuse their bodies, despise the Lord, hate other people, wallow in addictions, live in promiscuity... maybe I just need to start doing things to harm myself, and then I'll get pregnant too. Doesn't that sound terrible?! But that's how I'm thinking today. I'm just angry. I feel very, very alone. And I'm mad at God for making me go through this.
8 comments :
i wish i could have coffee with you! this is exactly what i would have written when i was trying for Kamryn. and i know i'm probably one of those people now that you don't want to hear from because i DID have a baby - but just know that i havn't forgotten the pain, stress & frustration that i went through two years ago. there's no way to forget that.
i'm glad you are able to be honest & get your feelings out. do that as much as you need to.
(have you thought about getting an ovulation test? just a thought.)
i'm sending really big hugs, and lots of prayers for peace.
Thanks Janelle. I work with my best friend (aren't I lucky?), so I just spilled the beans to her and of course she had just the right thing to say to make me feel better. I also got a hug, and that helps a lot too. Thanks for your prayers. I need them a lot today.
heather, you're in my thoughts today
Hugs! Your feelings about doing harm to yourself is normal. I know you're not serious, but my best friend was the same way as she has had 4-5 miscarriages and kept saying that she should become a crack addict since "they" have successful pregnancies.
I know the waiting is hard, but it might take a little time for your body to get back to normal.
We tried for 6 months after we lost our first boy and then went with the ClearBlue Fertility monitor. Freakishly expensive but so worth it. I actually still have it and a friend in MB has it (if that makes sense). If you'd like to borrow it, just let me know and I'll have her mail it to you.
arghhhhhhhhhh...Heather that must be sooo frustrating. I definitely don't understand how you feel, but will be praying for you.
Teri - Thanks so much for understanding. I feel a lot better today, and feel like I can go on from here.
Camille - Your prayers are priceless. Thank you.
Ohhhh, trying not to feel desperately anxious on your behalf...but that's what elderly sisters do! I wish I could book you and Ryan some non-kid-friendly vacation or something so that there would be some wonderful advantage to not being pregnant just yet, heck if you wanna try crack, here's your window! No Ang, not helping...Anyways, just want you to be smiling right now. I'm glad Robin knew what to say and I really hope you are still feeling better AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Heath,
God does things without revealing it while He's doing it but ohhhh the end result brings joy...as in bundle of...
Keep the faith sister, Keep the faith!
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