Psalm 127

My friend Darlene posted this verse recently, and I wanted to share it with you:

"Don't you see that children are GOD's best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior's fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents,with your quivers full of children!Your enemies don't stand a chance against you; you'll sweep them right off your doorstep." Pslam 127:3-5 (The Message)

Vague

So, today was another appointment. It went okay, but I didn't really get any GREAT news, nor did I get any AWFUL news. I guess that's probably an okay result. Next appointments are in two weeks...

Totally Transparent

Well, the appointment with my doctor went alright. Some fears were relieved, and some new ones developed. Today I need to call her and make another appointment. It's hard to explain all of this when I'm not really ready to explain everything that's been going on.

My sister-in-law tells me that I'm totally transparent. And she's right. I'm about as secretive as a highway sign board. People who know me well know that this is the truth. When I'm sad, happy, excited, depressed, angry, joyful, sentimental - it clearly shows on my face and in my actions. I can't hide anything. I consider this to be a good thing. I like to think of myself as "real". You never have to second-guess with me. I'm either happy, or I'm not, and you'll know either way. I don't fake happiness, and I don't fake sadness. So, maybe some of you already know EXACTLY what I'm dealing with without me even having to say it outright. That's okay. I just need you to keep praying about it. When I'm ready I'll post about it, but for now I like to think that I've kept this little issue somewhat private for the time being.

Can't Elaborate

So, it's Friday - and guess what I'm doing? Going to see my doctor... again. I'd like to elaborate about what's been going on, but it's quite personal. Hopefully I'll be able to share about it soon. For now, I just ask for your prayers. I need to hand this issue over to God, and soon, or I'm going to go crazy! I'm on this awful rollercoaster ride right now, and I want OFF! (The only other rollercoaster I've ever been on is the one at West Edmonton Mall, The Mindbender, and I went on it 11 times in a row).

If At First You Don't Succeed...

I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for some time now, but with no success. My heart just breaks for her, because I know how it feels to have a dream - and then have it taken away, time and time again. I Googled "what the Bible says about perseverance", and found this great outline study of patience in the Bible. Here is a portion of it, talking about why we should react to situations with patience:

We do not make a quick reaction, because...
(1) God has a bigger perspective
(2) God has a purpose in it all
(3) God is in control
(4) God wants to act in control through you
(a) in grace - His activity by His character
(b) in love - that seeks highest good of others
(c) in thanksgiving - that recognizes His grace
(d) in joy - gladness of grace
(e) in hope - confident expectation that He does all things well
(f) by faith - our receptivity of His activity
Rev. 13:10 - "perseverance and faith"
(g) in action - persistence, perseverance, constancy
Ps. 37:7 - "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him"

On that note however, I am also suspicious of another friend of mine who I believe is pregnant, but hasn't told anyone yet! We'll see if my intuitions are right...

Over Half Way There

If I were still prego today, I would have been 26 weeks along! I try to imagine what that would have been like. Someday, I will know.

Psalm 113:4-9

4GOD is higher than anything and anyone,

outshining everything you can see in the skies.

5Who can compare with GOD, our God,

so majestically enthroned,

6Surveying his magnificent

heavens and earth?

7He picks up the poor from out of the dirt,

rescues the wretched who've been thrown out with the trash,

8Seats them among the honored guests,

a place of honor among the brightest and best.

9He gives childless couples a family,

gives them joy as the parents of children.

Hallelujah!

What Would Jesus Blog?

For those of you who have not already logged onto Darlene Schacht's blog, you should definately check it out! Her (almost) daily posts have me laughing, crying, and nodding in agreement. Her new book, "The Mom Complex", is also out on the market, so keep your eye out for it.

Pregnancy Diet

I was leafing through my book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" last night, and came across the section on "The Pregnancy Diet". When I was prego, I tried to eat healthier and tried to take in more greens, but I never followed this diet plan. As I read it, my mouth dropped open! How in the world could a person keep up with that kind of diet?! 5 lbs. of green veggies a day, 3 lbs. of yellow veggies or legumes, 1 lb. 'other' fruit, 2 lbs. red fruit/berries, 6 lbs. protein... these are exaggerated, but not by much! Maybe if I had TIME I could eat that much, and that specifically. Did anyone else keep a strict diet while they were prego? How did you manage it? Or maybe you just ate what ever you wanted to, and never thought much of it? I'm curious to know.

Have Faith My Child

I'm sorry for the big outburst I had yesterday. I just felt totally overwhelmed, and I didn't know where to turn. Thankfully, God always comes through for us - even when we go pyscho on Him! As someone commented yesterday, He is faithful even when we are faithless. Thank you for that reminder.

I went to for coffee with a friend last night, and it felt really good to talk about everything I was feeling. I always feel better after I talk about my problems, and she was a particularly good listener. (Thanks Rebekah!) When I got home and crawled into bed, I just let it all go to God. "Here you go", I said, "I can't do this without You". And He took my burdens. I feel much, MUCH better today - and I feel hopeful. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday (just so happened there was a cancellation, so I could get in almost right away) and so we'll see what she has to say.

Thank you so much everyone for continuing to read my blog, even when I'm wallowing in self-pity. Your prayers are cherished, and they are working. God bless you all!

Praise You in this Storm
Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Three-For-Three

I just had to blog this right away today, because I wanted to do it when the emotions were fresh - and the feelings were real.

Today I've had three hits to the "baby's gone" injury I have. First was in the morning at coffee break. Our cleaning lady came in and asked me how I was doing. I figured she was asking because she had heard we'd lost the baby - she goes to my parent's church. I said I was doing fine, and then she said "it's a long nine months, eh?". Oh crap, she didn't know. So, I had to tell her the bad news, and of course that always brings on a whole load of unexpected and awkward conversation. Anyway, I went on with my day.

So a customer comes in shortly after that - a girl I knew from high school - and she asks if Ryan and I have any children yet. Well, I had made a decision to include our heavenly baby if I was ever asked - so I said, "Yes, but I had a miscarriage and the baby died in December". Crap again. Of course she felt terrible.

Then, Robin and I went for lunch with a friend and she announced that she is prego. I am pumped for her - I know they've been trying for a while. However, no matter how thrilled I am for someone, somewhere deep inside a little finger pokes at the hole in my heart.

The worst part is that I have no one close to me who understands me anymore. My two greatest (human) allies - my mom, and my husband - can no longer relate to me and my feelings. I really just feel like I'm stumbling blindly along a path I've never been on - and I just can't find light. I'm praying, trying to rely on God, but I'm just struggling. I'm trying to hold His hand, but I keep letting go of it. I'm trying to let Him carry my load, but I keep snatching it back. I'm trying to trust Him, but I keep trusting in myself. Why am I so lost? I know what I want to do - but I just can't seem to do it! How come I feel like this? Does anyone truly understand what I'm feeling? If you do, can you help me? I just need to know that I'm not off my rocker.

Fruit of the Spirit

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." Galations 5:22-23

Good Tunes Make Me Happy

This song has been cheering me up lately. I just love it! It makes me dance... even when I'm driving!

The Waiting Game

Last night I called my good friend Terrilee for advice. She told me that I could possibly have done the test too early - especially if my cycle is still somewhat obscure, or if my hormones are still out of whack. So, based on her (experienced) advice I will do the following: wait another week, and if I still have not had a period I'll do another test. If the test is positive - YAY! If it's still negative, then I will probably go see my doctor. So, the wait begins... but at least I'm feeling a little more upbeat.

Frustration

Never in my life have I felt so helpless and frustrated. I had pretty much assumed that my body was getting back to normal, so I've been counting down the days until my estimated next period, which would have been yesterday. It didn't come, so I decided to do a pregnancy test. I tried very hard not to get my hopes up, but I couldn't fool my heart. The test came back negative. So, now I am stuck with being unpregnant, AND I haven't had a period. I thought I had really given this all to God, and I was being so faithful and brave, but... this is just heart-breaking for me.

I keep thinking "everyone else can have a baby". People who abuse their bodies, despise the Lord, hate other people, wallow in addictions, live in promiscuity... maybe I just need to start doing things to harm myself, and then I'll get pregnant too. Doesn't that sound terrible?! But that's how I'm thinking today. I'm just angry. I feel very, very alone. And I'm mad at God for making me go through this.

God, Make Me Brave

God, make me brave for life: oh, braver than this.

Let me straighten after pain,
as a tree straightens after the rain,
Shining and lovely again.
God, make me brave for life; much braver than this.
As the blown grass lifts, let me rise
From sorrow with quiet eyes,
Knowing Thy way is wise.
God, make me brave, life brings
Such blinding things.
Help me to keep my sight;
Help me to see aright
That out of dark comes light.
Amen.