Today I lost the battle with my nursing problems. I thought I had it all figured out, but even that was not enough to keep me from my nursing demise. Though I am very sad to have to quit, there is a larger part of me that feels relief. I was under a tremedous amount of stress and anxiety - and the last thing I wanted to do was throw myself completely into a depression for the sake of breastfeeding. A mentally stable mother is STILL a better mother.So it kind of went down like this... Rayya nursed fairly well through Christmas (thank God). I was thinking that perhaps we were going to make it through to that ever-evasive "green pasture" of nursing. But, just like her brother, and at the exact same age, Rayya started to get super fussy at the breast - moreso than ever before. It was becoming increasingly difficult for me to have a letdown. Sometimes it would take more than 5-10 minutes, and that was only if she would stay there that long, and only if she wouldn't scream. Soon, we were missing feeds altogether because there was no letdown, and a screaming baby. My anxiety because of this flew through the roof, and this just worsened the problem.
This weekend I finally tried giving Rayya a bottle of formula. She refused it. I was actually disappointed, because after all I had gone through with James and nursing, I had decided that with this baby I wasn't going to put myself through all that guilt again if I had to put her on formula. Wouldn't you know it - she, being totally opposite from James, who totally gobbled his first bottle - wouldn't take it. This made me feel that I absolutely would have no choice but to keep nursing her. However, she was also refusing to nurse. She would cry before I'd even latch her on - and she wouldn't stick around long enough for a letdown. I was trying everything - I went back onto the herbs, I was manually trying to stimulate a letdown, etc. Of course, my Dr's office was closed for the holidays, so I had no way of getting my hands on any kind of milk-inducing meds (domperidone).
Today I simply could no longer mentally and emotionally handle the constant stress and struggle to try and nurse Rayya. It was a battle every two hours - and even then, she was often not nursing, and we were both in tears. After calling a couple of people that I trust, I decided I would simply have to make a choice, and do it. I took one last bottle into Rayya's room, and prayed, "Lord, if she takes it, I'll quit nursing. If she doesn't take it, I'll keep trying. PLEASE give me peace over either choice!". And guess what?! She took that blasted bottle! A HUGE boulder rolled off my shoulders. She drank without any fuss, and finished the bottle. She was totally content afterwards, and so was I.
The rest of the day has gone perfectly with Rayya taking a bottle. I've quit cold turkey, because I don't know if I could balance trying to do both breast and bottle. I've shed all my tears now, and have released the guilt. As much as I am sorry to lose the privilege of nursing Rayya, I have now gained some control, some freedom, and more time and energy for both her and James. THESE things are far more important than the method by which she is fed.
So, now on to the next adventure in motherhood... potty training?!
13 comments :
I'm glad you are at peace with your decision Heather. Good for you for making the choice that was best for your sanity. I struggled through some terrible months nursing my first and in retrospect I should have quit. I honestly think I would have been so much less stressed and anxious and so SO frustrated and possibly I could have enjoyed her more, if I had changed to formula. But I felt that I would be letting so many people down and I couldn't make that choice. Lucky for me we did eventually hit that "greener pasture" you speak of (at about 4 months) and while I'm glad I did it, I honestly think it would have been healthier for me to switch and sometimes there is no way of knowing if it will get better. Kudos to you!
I could have written this post myself! I dreaded feedings and was quickly spiraling down. When I quit it really did feel like a boulder coming off me. I definitely agree that a sane mother is a good mother. I'm so glad God answered your prayer so definitively and quickly!
I'm glad you have found peace :) That is so important as a mother! Rayya will sense that as well, and I'll bet that your life will be much more sane from now on :)
I'm praying that things go smoothly with our third baby. I hated almost every moment of nursing Rowan (and somehow managed to make it to 10 months, I have no idea how!) And was pretty relaxed with Bria, who made it to 13 months. Who knows what this next one will bring though.
With all the trouble that you've had, I'm amazed at how long you were able to stick it out. You're a great mommy :)
It makes me upset when people look down on one, because things didn't work out with nursing. I nursed till 10 month only to realize that Jillian wasn't getting enough (she never cried though) but once I added formula she finally started gaining weight. But then she didn't want to nurse. I was terrified to tell people, because of their reaction. Now I think about how stupid that was.
We are all different and "fail" (if you can even call it that) in different areas and so are our babies. One gives birth without drugs, one doesn't. One nurses well, one doesn't. One child sleeps through the night fast, another one takes longer. One is potty trained sooner than another child. Nothing of that makes us bad mothers or even failures!!!
You're doing an amazing job as a mommy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise
I can relate to this. It so often seems like that 3-4 month stage of breastfeeding is so tough to get through (I have often heard this from others as well). That is when I started supplementing and had a much happier time after that. You do what you can and need to, right?
Just want to tell you that you are a good mommy!
I think there's way too much pressure on women to breastfeed. I've been lucky to be able to do so but I would never look down on someone if they couldn't or just chose not to. Like you said, a mentally stable mommy is way more important the method of feeding. I'm glad this was finally resolved for you.
Whoever made up the notion that breastfeedings was romantic, easy, and a sweet bonding time with your baby must've fallen on his/her head. Because although I've been able to breastfeed both my girls for the better part of their first years, I still have yet to say I "enjoy it". I do it because I can, its free, and in Britta's case she doesn't take a bottle...but some of my best bonding times with my girls when they were babies was when they WEREN'T nursing! Anyway, you did the best you possibly could nursing Rayya - and you're doing the best thing for her and you at this point, too. Good for you!
Oh dear - that sounds so stressful! I have been stressed a little about Silas' lack of fluids (though he's a lot older AND he's eating a LOT of food), so I know that awful feeling of worrying about something that feels out of your control.
I'm so glad the bottle is working!
I am happy that you are feeling okay about this. Do not let any guilt consume you, don't let anyone tell you that you didn't try hard enough and push through. You're absolutely right, a sane mother IS a better mother!
Breastfeeding is hard work, it's not as painless and perfect as the lactation consultants tell us. I could've punched mine in the face a million times when I went for help. It hurts. A LOT sometimes. They don't latch on properly, they fuss, etc. I really wish someone would've told me how hard it was before I had Koen and maybe I wouldn't have been so hard on myself! But thankfully the Lord had mercy on my weak emotions and helped us through! Here's to a Happy 2010 for your whole family!
That is so fantastic that you are at peace with your decision. Dylan didn't nurse from the start and I knew that within the first week of his life that I needed to make the right decision for all of us. It is a tough one to make, but a stable happy mommy is a much better mommy.
You know that I understand your difficult decision, and you know that I support it. You're a good mom. And now you can be a good mom with much less stress and anxiety :)
I feel a huge sense of relief as I read this post and all the comments. Part of my guilt over supplementing is that I feel it's "too early" to be doing so...my girl is only 13 days old and I feel like I haven't tried breastfeeding for long enough. But then I ask myself, "How long am I going to struggle before I finally give up? Why not give in now and make feeding time that much more enjoyable for both of us?"
I've been seeing a counsellor since early in my pregnancy and when I saw her last week, she pointed out that as long as I'm meeting my baby's needs, whatever way that may be, that is the most important thing.
I just feel like there is so.much.pressure on moms to breastfeed and I feel like an absolute failure for wanting to give in so early. But you are right...a mentally stable mom is better than both of us crying over feeding time.
Thank you for sharing this.
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