Four Years

Four years ago today we lost our first baby. Thinking about it four years later still brings me to tears, because I'll never forget how I feared that we would never be able to have children. It's for this reason that my heart aches for all those women who want children, or more children, and can't have them. For a short time in my life, I thought I would be that woman. For whatever reason, that was not the end of the road for our family. I'll never forget how painful it was to travel to Hawaii that year, knowing that I was empty inside. I had anticipated the excitement of sharing with others that I was pregnant. I couldn't go swimming, because I was bleeding - and everytime I noticed it, it would remind me that our baby was gone. Forever. Gone. Four years is a long time, and many good and perfect things have come to us in those years. However, the past pain is still there, deep in my heart. The wondering of why God would allow us to lose our first love, and many other questions still lurk there in the part of my heart where I store the memories of my little lost angel babies. At that time in my life, I bought this diamond cross to remind me of our first baby. I have little tokens like this for each of them. I still wear them with the fond memories of those first exciting weeks of knowing that they had existed inside me. And I thank God that I'll one day meet each one of them...

The End of a Chapter

Today I lost the battle with my nursing problems. I thought I had it all figured out, but even that was not enough to keep me from my nursing demise. Though I am very sad to have to quit, there is a larger part of me that feels relief. I was under a tremedous amount of stress and anxiety - and the last thing I wanted to do was throw myself completely into a depression for the sake of breastfeeding. A mentally stable mother is STILL a better mother.

So it kind of went down like this... Rayya nursed fairly well through Christmas (thank God). I was thinking that perhaps we were going to make it through to that ever-evasive "green pasture" of nursing. But, just like her brother, and at the exact same age, Rayya started to get super fussy at the breast - moreso than ever before. It was becoming increasingly difficult for me to have a letdown. Sometimes it would take more than 5-10 minutes, and that was only if she would stay there that long, and only if she wouldn't scream. Soon, we were missing feeds altogether because there was no letdown, and a screaming baby. My anxiety because of this flew through the roof, and this just worsened the problem.

This weekend I finally tried giving Rayya a bottle of formula. She refused it. I was actually disappointed, because after all I had gone through with James and nursing, I had decided that with this baby I wasn't going to put myself through all that guilt again if I had to put her on formula. Wouldn't you know it - she, being totally opposite from James, who totally gobbled his first bottle - wouldn't take it. This made me feel that I absolutely would have no choice but to keep nursing her. However, she was also refusing to nurse. She would cry before I'd even latch her on - and she wouldn't stick around long enough for a letdown. I was trying everything - I went back onto the herbs, I was manually trying to stimulate a letdown, etc. Of course, my Dr's office was closed for the holidays, so I had no way of getting my hands on any kind of milk-inducing meds (domperidone).

Today I simply could no longer mentally and emotionally handle the constant stress and struggle to try and nurse Rayya. It was a battle every two hours - and even then, she was often not nursing, and we were both in tears. After calling a couple of people that I trust, I decided I would simply have to make a choice, and do it. I took one last bottle into Rayya's room, and prayed, "Lord, if she takes it, I'll quit nursing. If she doesn't take it, I'll keep trying. PLEASE give me peace over either choice!". And guess what?! She took that blasted bottle! A HUGE boulder rolled off my shoulders. She drank without any fuss, and finished the bottle. She was totally content afterwards, and so was I.

The rest of the day has gone perfectly with Rayya taking a bottle. I've quit cold turkey, because I don't know if I could balance trying to do both breast and bottle. I've shed all my tears now, and have released the guilt. As much as I am sorry to lose the privilege of nursing Rayya, I have now gained some control, some freedom, and more time and energy for both her and James. THESE things are far more important than the method by which she is fed.

So, now on to the next adventure in motherhood... potty training?!

I'm Catching On, Aunt Flow

Sometimes it just takes a little longer to figure out what's going on - and perhaps I can blame it on being a busy mother of two. I think I'm finally catching on to my body's schedule, and by figuring that out, I have effectively also figured out a few of my nursing issues.

Rayya started sleeping fairly long stretches at night around two months, possibly even earlier. It is not unusual to expect a five hour stretch from her, and I've been blessed with stretches up to nine hours! Some moms will wake their baby to feed after a certain number of hours, and I did so with James (though I usually didn't have to with him). I had previously decided that with this baby I wasn't going to do that. As many "old school" moms will tell you, "let a sleeping baby lie". I didn't expect to be getting that many hours, but I'm totally okay with it! As a result, my period returned a little earlier too, about two months ago. At the time of it's return, I was able to attribute a few nursing issues to the return of those hormones. Once I had finished the cycle, everything went back to normal. I can apparently ward off some of these issues by taking a calcium/magnesium supplement - instead of the herbs I was taking, which ultimately gave Rayya horrible gas pain, and I had to quite taking them - even though they were helping.

So a few weeks ago, Rayya started getting extremely distracted by almost anything while nursing. She would constantly try to turn her head while nursing, taking my nipple along for the ride. Ouch! I started to develope some pretty bad nipple pain, and was beginning to wonder if I'd be able to keep going. Well, a week of that and suddenly, the pain was nearly gone! What?! I was surprised at it's rather abrupt disappearance, but thankful none-the-less.

Last night Rayya was up several times in the night to nurse, and today I've noticed a significant drop in my milk supply. Looking back on my calendar it has all become clear!

The nipple pain I was experiencing happened exactly when I was most likely ovulating. Now, the drop in my milk supply is a good indicator that any day now Aunt Flow will come a-calling. As soon as she does, everything will go back to normal. On top of all that, Rayya's extra fussiness seems to be linked to her bi-weekly poop schedule (yes, she still regularly poops only every fourteen to sixteen days). At the end of the two week period, a day or two before "poop day" she is extremely irritable - and this irritability seems to grow over the week prior to "poop day". After "poop day" (which is an entire day of numerous, horrid smelling diapers), she is back to her happy self.

And thus, the cycle continues...

A Christmas Message for You

Opposites

James and Rayya couldn't be more opposite (as babies)! Besides the obvious, that James is a BOY and Rayya is a GIRL. Here are just a few of the ways that they are different (comparing James to Rayya when he was the same age):
• James hated baths when he was a baby, Rayya loves them!
• James did not sleep through the night until 9 months old, and Rayya already does (sometimes).
• James loved to be rocked, Rayya does not.
• James fell asleep nursing, Rayya rarely does.
• James could not self-soothe, and Rayya loves that best.
• James loved his carseat, and often slept in it. Rayya hates it.
• James loved (and still loves) travelling and car rides. Rayya is not a fan.
• James liked tummy time. Rayya does not appreciate tummy time.
• James liked goofy faces and noise-making toys, and Rayya doesn't as much.
• James liked big groups of people. Rayya most certainly is more of a home-body.
• James could sleep anywhere. Rayya needs her crib.
• James took the bottle instantly. Rayya likes nursing better.
• James always woke up crying. Rayya coos and "talks" to herself when she wakes up.
• James cried getting his diaper changed (and still does). Rayya loves diaper changes.
• James wasn't drooly. Rayya is always soaked.
• James handled needles pretty good. Rayya screamed all the way home.
• James often up-chucked large amounts of milk. Rayya keeps hers down almost always.
• James liked infant Tylenol. Rayya spits it out.
• James looks like mommy, and Rayya like daddy.
• James is spirited, and Rayya is textbook.
• James didn't cry loud, Rayya can burst eardrums.
• James has sensitive skin, and Rayya doesn't not.
• James is photogenic, and Rayya is not (gets that from me, unfortunately).
This list could be much, much longer - but I don't want to completely put you to sleep. Some of this is moreso for my own records than anything else, but I thought some of you might find it interesting.

The Joys of Parenting

Some days you just have to ask yourself, "why did I even bother"? Yesterday I decided that we would make a trip to Winnipeg after the kids had napped. This was for several reasons, because usually I avoid the mall in December like I would a kid with a cough during an H1N1 pandemic. In no particular order, the reasons why we went were:
1) So my brother could do some Christmas shopping.
2) So we could go see Santa, who was actually Ryan's Uncle Stan.
3) So we could have supper with our friend Tannis, who was out from BC.
4) So I could exchange a sweater I got for Christmas, and have it to wear this weekend.
5) So I could pick up all the desserts I needed for family gatherings this weekend.
6) To do some window browsing, and perhaps spend a gift certificate I received.
How much of this was actually accomplished? Well, my brother was able to buy one gift. We did SEE Santa, but did not sit on his knee. I exchanged the sweater, but chose something in under 5 minutes in desperation, and then proceeded to wait for almost another 20 minutes (while James ran amuck in the store, chased by Uncle Matt, and Rayya was alternately hysterical and then all smiles with all the attention she was getting from the clerks) to do the exchange. I did pick up the desserts - THANK YOU M&M Meat Shop! I did no extra window browsing or shopping. We did have supper with Tannis. However, I spent the ENTIRE meal finding a place to nurse a SCREAMING baby - which ended up being in our van in the parking lot, and by the time I was finished and back in the restaurant, only Ryan was left at the table... and my plate of cold food. Tannis had needed to leave to another engagement. Matt was chasing James around (who had evidently been extremely wild at supper), and Ryan was waiting for my return so that he could walk with Rayya while I put back that plate of seafood linguine in 5 minutes, tops. Oh, the joy!

Weepy

I'm kind of weepy today, though I haven't actually shed any tears. It feels like they want to come out in torrents, but are blocked by a huge dam. I'm not entirely sure why. It seems like one thing, and a million things all in one.

I suppose I could get into it, but there are a lot of things that I won't go into "publicly" on the blog. Some days I just lack the support and encouragement that I need as a mom. I'm a "words of affirmation" kind of girl, and these days my "love tank" is running low on this - particularly from the people that I NEED to hear it from. I'm just down, because I know that I can't function at my usual speed and it's frustrating.

We dedicated Rayya in church on Sunday, and that was beautiful. I was somewhat emotional through it all, because it was just a year ago that I was baptized under the lights of that same Christmas tree. I didn't get baptized in order to "get" a baby, but I felt that God wanted me to walk in that direction in order to be healed of whatever was preventing us from having a second baby. It was one step out of many, but a year later, I was standing there with my baby girl in my arms - proud as ever!

In other news, I'm still trying to make heads and tails of my nursing situation. I started to take Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle tinctures, 2mls. three times a day. This is usually used for an increase in milk supply, but can also help to increase milk flow - with the hope that Rayya would be happier nursing. She definately was happier, and back to sleeping through the night... for a few days. Now the Fenugreek has built up in our systems, and we are seeing the warned side effects. She is crazy gassy, and painfully so - and also having some fairly explosive, green poops. Great. So, now I'll go OFF the herbs, back to the slow flow, and see what happens next! Hopefully the herbs have picked up the supply a bit, and once I go off of them Rayya will just keep it up and keep happy. Argh.

We've begun to get into the swing of Christmas over here. We've had one family gathering, my brother is home from Calgary, and we had Christmas with Ryan's parents last night. It's been good, but busy. The kids seem to be handling the hustle and bustle fairly well. The year before last it was all a bit much for James, who seemed to suffer in the sleep department for it. This year he is just going with the flow, and Rayya kinda just tags along. As long as she sleeps here and there, she stays relatively happy.

This coming weekend we have back-to-back family gatherings in the city. I had offered for both gatherings to bring something, if needed. I was a little surprised when my bringing something turned into dessert for 36 people for one day, and 6 pies (2 each of 3 different kinds, pumpkin, apple, and lemon meringue) for the other! Whoa. Thank goodness for M&M Meats, who will happily make all of these desserts for me, and all I have to do is swipe my Mastercard - and voila! I am just SO not up for making all of this from scratch, and I can't make a good pie to save my life!

Saturday Sentences

James: "I can't wait to go to grandma's, and tell her that deer only eat green things, and not people."

Me: "That sounds good James, I'm sure grandma will be happy to hear that."

James: "Ya, and then I'll tell her that she makes the best Jello in the WHOLE WORLD!"

Picky Princess

So I finally got in to see my Dr. (it required me to call the secretary in tears after trying to get a screaming Rayya to latch on after 30 minutes). She checked us over very thoroughly, and assures me that we do not have thrush. She suggested some preventative therapy, just in case - but according to her, we do not have it. I am thankful! I've heard how difficult it can be to get rid of, and of course all the various treatment options had my head in a spin. I did try the boric acid treatment (1/2 tsp boric acid diluted in 1 cup boiled water, apply with cotton balls squeezed of excess liquid to nipples and baby's mouth before each feeding - in case you want to try it). It took care of some of my itchy nipple trouble - but made Rayya scream even moreso. However, we don't have thrush... apparently what we have is a picky princess.

Given my explanation of exactly what Rayya has been doing, my Dr. says it's a sure bet that she is reacting to a slow let-down. Because I started off with the OPPOSITE problem of a fast and forceful let-down, Rayya is simply displeased by the lack of immediate food. Can't say I blame her, but my goodness! She sure puts up a fuss! So, with luck she will just get used to it and start to nurse better again. On the other hand, she may just do this for the rest of the time that I choose to nurse her. Argh. I have already reached my 3 month goal, and hope now to get to 4 months. I think I can do one more month with no life... and of course get through the Christmas season with my picky princess as well. If you notice I've disappeared at various gatherings or events, I've likely gone to hide in a dark, quiet closet hoping to get my baby fed!

Happy 3 Months Rayya!

Struggles of the Milk Maid

Okay, not THAT kind of milk maid!
I was able to nurse James for about 2-1/2 months when he suddenly seemed to wean himself. He was unhappy at my breast, and would pop on and off and barely drink. By the time I finally just quit (without really consulting anyone for help), my milk supply was so low I didn't even experience any engorgement.

This time around I wanted my nursing experience to be different, and to last longer. I made sure I saw a lactation consultant in the hospital, and explained to her my previous experience. She showed me a few ways to nurse comfortably while lying down - as I had decided I would try co-sleeping with Rayya. I also decided ahead of time to "nurse through the pain", meaning that even when something wasn't going perfectly, I would still keep going. Well, eventually I had to put Rayya in her crib for night. She was sleeping decent stretches anyway, and I just wasn't able to sleep with her next to me.

Things seemed to be going smoothly in all regards. Rayya was a champion nurser - often finished in under 5 minutes, and sleeping well at night. I was so thrilled! Soon I started to notice that she was unhappy at my breast - this was a few weeks after my engorgement had subsided. I diagnosed the problem to be the very forceful let-down reflex I had - and after trying some new positions, she was back to nursing happily again. A few weeks after that, and my supply evened out and the forceful let-down seemed to decrease - or she just began handling it better. Again, she would fuss at the breast - and I noticed it was taking a little longer to have a let-down. I assumed she was unhappy with the fact that she now had to work for her meal, and figured she'd just get used to it.

From there, things have progressively gotten a little worse. Determined not to give it up, I've just been "nursing through the pain". Rayya began to cry when nursing on my right side - which up until then had been her favourite side. I would trick her by putting her soother in, and then quickly pull it out and replace it with the breast. She would pop on and off frequently, and I would have to somewhat manually stimulate the breast to have a let-down (TMI?). Once let-down happens, she nurses happily for a few minutes, and then I have to use compressions to keep her on a while longer. The fussing has grown worse, but I've kept going - using my "trick" technique at each feed on that side. This is particularly difficult if we go out, and I don't feel completely comfortable. Then it's virtually impossible to achieve a let-down, and it's embarassing when she is crying and constantly on-and-off the breast.

I don't claim to love nursing - but I WANTED to love nursing. I wanted to go for three months, and I've done that. Now I want to go longer. The supply is there. The ability is there. The desire is there. But at every turn, it feels that there is something stopping me from achieving my next goal of 4 months. I'm frustrated.

On the bright side, Rayya is happy, content, and thriving. There's no doubt that she is getting enough nutrition, and that is the main thing. However, this week she started fussing at the left breast as well. Thankfully I already knew how to trick her - so I am now using the soother trick at all feedings. In the night and early mornings I don't always have to use it when she's groggy. Then she just seems to be unconscious to the problem. During the day though we have to fight it out each time.

I had suspected thrush for some time now, but at a Dr.'s appointment a couple of weeks ago I had her checked and the Dr. said she had no signs of it. Today I am convinced it is thrush, though we don't have all the typical signs, we do have these:

• my nipples are itchy and sore (still TMI?)

• at times I feel a "pins and needles" sensation in my breasts

• Rayya has a slight whitish tinge to her mouth

• the obvious discomfort she has only when nursing

So, now I am trying to figure out the quickest way to get this fixed so that I don't have to end my milkmaid career. I SO do not want to quit yet. In fact, dare I say it... I think I am growing to love nursing. I want to continue. The directions I'm reading online to cure thrush looks daunting though - and with an unconfirmed success rate at that! Everything from creams, ointments, medications, oils, powders, herbs, purple dyes... you name it, and it seems like almost everything and anything COULD be a cure, but nothing IS the cure. I was sharing this frustration with a mom of four today at church. Her tried and tested recommendation is boric acid. I looked it up online to see how to use it, and found that it's used in rat poison. See, anything really CAN be a cure!