It's Time

Well everyone, I think it's time to go private with my blog. I haven't had any bad experiences, but I have had a few creepy unsigned anonymous comments. If you would like to be on my list, please email me at eternal_13@yahoo.com. I think I'll go officially private on Friday. Thanks!

Lonely

Today has been a little more challenging than some others. Maybe it's because I felt really lonely. My parents are away on a holiday, and Ryan is doing inventory at work and will be home late all week. My in-laws are preparing for a month-long getaway, and are busy trying to pack up and get ready. Friends are busy, the sky is cloudy, and I'm at home with an almost-two-year-old who doesn't want to do anything today but whine and have tantrums - and is only happy if I let him watch "TB". Sigh. On days like this I start to dwell on the bad things, and slowly lose sight of the good things. I try to fill my time, but it seems to just slip away into worried thoughts, and tearful memories. It's been tough to pray lately, and when the day gets lonely and I feel unable to talk to God it's even more unbearably quiet. I know that this is grieving, and it's normal. I just don't like the lingering cloud over my head today - it frustrates me and I can't just shake it off. Perhaps tomorrow will be sunnier around here...

22 Month Photo Post

Bathroom Cleaning God Talk

Thank you to my dear friend Robin who gave me permission to share the email she sent to me this morning. I was so blessed by her words that I wanted to share it with you.

"This morning I did my all-dreaded cleaning the bathrooms. I don't know why I hate doing that so much, I tried to change my attitude and prayed the whole time I worked. I thanked God for my home, bathroom etc. That helped, but I also began praying about our current theme of questions these days, like hearing from Him, knowing His will, and feeling confident in hearing that. So, I just admitted my confusion, my desire to live and behave according to His will to please Him. Suddenly I just became quiet before Him, and it came to me, 'What makes you think you have the RIGHT to hear from Me whenever you choose?'. Oh boy. Firstly, I had to admit that I, Robin, am 'expecting' to hear from God at the drop of a hat. The GOD of the universe, creation, salvation, grace, mercy and love has done SO SO SO much for me. He loves me unconditionally, His grace has covered me, and I am a child of His. I suddenly felt a little ashamed for expecting to hear from Him so instantly and with my own discretion. Like I should be able to text message him or something. Ha ha! Like seriously! I think God has things in HIS control, why do I feel the need to hear my future from Him? Is that my last attempt to gaining peace of mind/control over my life? I think God can speak to me, no doubt! But I don't think He's going to tell me my future. And that is probably a good thing. Secondly, I had to ask myself, 'How do I know this is from God now?'. Then I thought 'Do I feel condemned by this?' and I thought 'No, I don't'. But I do feel a fresh prespective and a new desire to place my trust daily in Him. To 'Let go and Let God', and to resume my growth as a Christian. All the while, I need to remember that hearing from Him is a GIFT and not a RIGHT."

I Love Meeting Bloggers!

It's always really exciting and weird at the same time when you meet up with a blog/internet friend. I was in a shoe store in the mall yesterday when a familiar face walked in. I couldn't place it right away, but soon I realized that it was my friend Liane. Liane and I have encouraged each other on our blogs through multiple miscarriages, and I have sometimes emailed her for advice. We have never met in person however, so I wasn't entirely convinced it was her. I was with a friend, and I asked her what I should do. My friend said, "Well, what's the worst that could happen? Either it's her, or it's not!". So I went up, said hello and introduced myself. Liane immediately embraced me in a hug - it was so nice to connect in person! Especially with all we've been through together. I just love meeting blog friends, it's so much fun! I hope I meet each one of you someday too!

"Pwitty Gwoss!"

VIDEO CONTENT WARNING: This video is not intended for animal lovers (although I do love animals myself, I still personally find it humorous). This was simply an act of nature that was caught on camera to show to my husband. However, I am going to post it because James copies almost everything I say in the background, and it's incredibly cute!



Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Busy or Animated?

bus·y
1. Engaged in activity, as work; occupied.
2. Sustaining much activity: a busy morning; a busy street.
3. Meddlesome; prying.

an·i·mat·ed
1. Having life; alive.

2. Filled with activity, vigor, or spirit; lively.

Often I find myself, and many times other people, describing James as "busy". It bothers me when I also hear myself being negative about it, saying things like "Yes, he is into everything, it's so tiring". Or people will make a comment like, "Wow, you must all sleep well at night, he is so busy!". It's then that I wonder if I make the negative comments because I am embarrassed, or if I'm just making excuses because I wonder if they think James is like that because he's spoiled or undisciplined? The truth is that I like James as he is. I wouldn't want him to be anything but busy! I love it! I love running after him, even when he's getting into trouble - because isn't that what little boys are all about?! I love that he jumps, climbs, wrestles, runs, and crashes the mini shopping cart at the local store down the stairs busting open the parmesan cheese. These things are what makes James who he is!

Today a lady came to me in the store and said, "Your son is just perfect! He is the perfect mix of cute and animated." She then told me that when they were expecting their first child her husband had told her he would rather have an animated child than a cute child. I loved it that she used the word animated! It really describes James perfectly. He is animated - and I love almost every moment of him being his animated self. Thank you to that wonderful woman who said those kind words. It's so nice to hear those things - and of course she confirmed what we already knew, James is truly perfect for us.

In other news, a dream that I've had for 5 years is finally coming to pass next week! Our house is getting painted! We live in an older, two storey house that probably hasn't been painted in 50 years (that may not be an exaggeration). The painter is getting started on Monday, and I can't wait to post the before and after photos. I think it will be quite dramatic!

Wall Words

Well, I decided to go with Wall Words! Please check out the start of my new blog by clicking on the tab at the top labelled "Wall Words"!

Trials

The fiercest trials to our faith

are the ones when we feel we are walking alone through our pain

waiting for answers to our prayers from God.

~ Pastor John Driedger ~

Open for Business

Many of you already know that I create verses and quotes that people apply to their walls. For some time now I have thought about making it a little bit more of an official enterprise. I've been tossing around some ideas for a business name, and I thought I would ask you for your help. Here are some of my ideas, but feel free to post others if you have some.

Words of Wisdom

Wise Words

Wisdom for your Walls

Wall Words

Wall Wisdom

And here are a few samples of wall verses I've done. I hope to add more photos yet, and create a new blogsite for my business. Some of you may recognize photos of your walls.

Happy Fifth Anniversary Babe!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Feels Like Fall

Oh beautiful boy, you bring mommy much joy!

Lord, God, Name of all Names

Thank you for letting us have little James!

The Plan

I like having a plan - it makes me feel like I have just a tiny, microscopic bit of control over things that will happen in the future. That is why I feel quite good after meeting with my Dr. yesterday afternoon. I now have a PLAN. I'm not doing anything drastic, but we have a few things that we are going to try when we are ready to start the process of getting pregnant again. I've just been feeling so helpless in my last two pregnancies, so it makes me feel a lot more optimistic that this time we will at least be doing something different that could potentially help. There are no guarantees, and I'm fine with that. I'm just happy knowing that I have some options, and perhaps the options will help us keep our baby. I'm feeling pretty good about it all. I'm still having a hard time talking to or trusting God with this next pregnancy. I suppose that will take some time to heal. I will still be praying, but I have a hard time allowing myself to have any faith that it will make any difference. I do trust God's plan for me too - Jeremiah 29:11-13 - but sometimes His timing is SO different than mine, and that is hard to accept. (Photo: Pregnant with James at 28 weeks)

Fair Hills and a Progesterone Question

As per tradition, we spent Labour Day weekend at Fair Hills Resort in Minnesota. The trip started off with the drive from home to Fargo for one night. We started off late, which didn't bode well for James' nap - which we had hoped he might nap from the border all the way to Fargo. He woke up before we got to Grand Forks, so we had a stop there to let him run a bit. Then it was back in the car for the ride from Grand Forks to Fargo. I had already assumed I'd be pulling out a DVD for him - but I never needed it! Our veteran backseat traveller played without a peep with his blankets and two cars ALL the way there! I read a book, and Ryan did the driving. I got to do some power shopping in Fargo. The best finds were: an adorable sweater for James (that I got 40% off, plus another 20% off with a coupon - making the final price 1/4 of the regular price here in Canada for the same sweater), a brown down jacket for me for 1/2 price, light-up Elmo shoes for James which ended up being buy 1 get the 2nd for $0.88, and James' birthday present - a train table, regularly sold here for $200 but on sale there for $90. On Friday we drove out to Fair Hills, and the rest of the weekend was a blur. The weather was hot and windy, but certainly better than cold and rainy.

James' first pony ride.
On the playground, directly outside our cabin.
We spent one afternoon on the beach, but James hated the waves. So, I filled up this kayak and he played in it for hours!
Daddy and James on the beach.
Of course we had to listen to the Bomber game on the car radio. There were some toys in the back of the van which kept James and Billy busy for a while.

I also have a question for those who suggested I take progesterone supplements. When do you start taking them, and can you take them even if you don't have a known progestrone deficiency? I've heard that a sign of low progesterone is a short menstrual cycle, but I have the opposite. I just wondered if you can be on them anyway, or if there would be side effects?

In More Detail

Emotionally and physically it feels that this miscarriage has been easier than the others. Maybe I'm just "getting used to it", and I just go numb when another pregnancy turns out badly. I'm not really sure. I could say the Christian cliché thing, something like "and God is keeping me strong through this", which He probably is, but I have so many questions for Him right now.

For one, I really had faith that the healing prayers said over me would be answered with a "yes". I put my heart and soul into those beliefs, and walked without question into this pregnancy feeling confident that my womb was healed - not in the future, but at that very moment.

We had been trying for a few months, and I had already wasted a few pregnancy tests. The month that I finally felt we were definately pregnant I did a test. It came back negative, but I was certain I must be pregnant. I decided I wasn't wasting another cent on pregnancy tests, so I just ignored the strong feeling. One day, while giving James his lunch I got an overwhelming urge to do a test. I actually heard God say, "Go and do a test, you will not be disappointed". I ignored it, and silently lectured myself about not getting my hopes up, and the waste of tests. Again, the strong urge to do a test, and the voice "Go and do the test, you will not be disappointed". So, I set James up with his spoon and went to do the test. After the usual instructions, I put it down on the floor and went back to James who was none too pleased that I had left him on his own in the middle of lunch! After he was done eating I went to check the test. Sure enough, there was the sign that I was pregnant again! I immediately burst into tears and jumped through the house saying "Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord!". I then reassured James that mommy was fine, and that she had a baby in her tummy.

The entire 10 weeks of pregnancy felt like it would be a keeper. I had some bleeding in the beginning, which the Dr. and I both felt was likely implantation bleeding. I felt SICK, and nauseous for most of that time - which I never did with the previous miscarriages. I was bloated, exhausted, and starting to feel tight in my clothes. Other parts of my body were showing very major signs of pregnancy as well, and I was sure this was a keeper! I asked God on so very many occasions how the baby was doing. Each time I felt He was telling me that the baby would be fine. Many other people came to me to tell me that they had strong feelings that this baby was going to fine as well. There were many faithful friends and family praying for the safety of this little one. What happened?

Finally, at the end of the 10 weeks I felt that I must have an infection or a small bleed, common in pregnancy, and something I had with James. My Dr. was on holidays, so I had Ryan take me to a walk-in on a Friday afternoon just so that I could get some peace-of-mind. The Dr. that saw me did an exam, and told me that everything was looking fine. That was not indifferent from my previous miscarriages though, so she booked me for an ultrasound the following Monday. The weekend seemed like an eternity, and the problem signs continued. Everyone was praying like crazy, and we all felt that this was just going to be a simple problem - nothing complicated.

Monday finally came and Ryan and I went to the ultrasound feeling optimistic. I was afraid to feel optimistic though, because my stats for good news in that room were low. I wanted to just trust the words that I felt I had from God that the baby would be fine. During the ultrasound I asked God to reveal to me where Jesus was. I felt that I saw Him over the shoulder of the technician, looking at the screen and giving me the thumbs up sign. When the technician left without saying much, and took a long time to return I already knew that it would be something bigger than just a minor problem. The Dr. came back with him, and those awful words "I'm sorry, but it doesn't appear to be good news".

Thankfully we didn't do the D & C in the same day like we did in January. I think all of that in one day was just too much to deal with physically and emotionally. All I wanted to do was get home to James. My baby. The one I GOT TO HAVE. So we went back the next morning for the D & C, which went fine.

So, where do we go from here? Once again we are told that there is no physical evidence for why the babies aren't surviving. They don't really start doing any tests until a third miscarriage in a row, so we likely won't be doing any testing at this point. I had already been completely off of all caffeine. One of the surgeons recommended that I take a higher dose of folic acid, which I'll start immediately. I don't really think I can do anything different. I couldn't even pray more the next time around - I was already praying every time I would think about it, and that was a lot!

I wonder now whether I am truly hearing from God. Why would He get my hopes up, and then allow them to be dashed? My faith has waivered, but to let Satan win would simply be letting him get his way - and I won't let that happen. I wonder what lesson I am to learn in all this. I can say that I am happy that one more of my children gets to go to Heaven, and that I will get to see them when I get there. I know that this one was a girl. I just felt the presence of a girl, as did many others. Anyway, that is where I am at right now. Some days are better than others. Like the poem I posted said, "How odd, a truly unique person has recently died and no one is mourning the passing". I sort of feel alone in my grieving - like there are very few others who realize how special this little baby was, and how truly sad it is that she didn't make it. I miss her, even right now, and how much I would have loved to see James be her big brother.

Almost more than self-pity and sadness, I feel for James. I want so badly for him to have siblings of his own flesh and blood. I think I want that more than I want the baby for myself. I just want a family, complete with siblings for James. I have not given up hope that I will see that dream come true. For now I am trying to remember:

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34, The Message