Can't Think of a Title

I have SO much on my mind tonight! I don't know where to begin! I guess that I could start by saying this:

I would SUCK at being a missionary.

Though you might be laughing at this, it's the truth. Yes, I can be a missionary right where I am - but I don't mean like that. I mean I would suck at being a missionary for a living. I just get too upset. I can't handle it when people clearly hear the Word, the invitation to know Jesus, with good... no, GREAT... explanations of faith and all that, and yet they just turn their backs on it and walk away. I just get upset. I'm not mad at them, though if I said what I wanted to say in those situations they would probably think I was mad at them. The truth is that I'm actually just scared for them. Scared of their future - their eternity. It's become abundantly clear day after day that we aren't here forever. We all have a numbered amount of days to our lives. Mine might be tomorrow. Maybe even tonight. When is yours? When is your number up? Are you walking along in life, hoping that at just the right moment you will give your life up to God - in the hope that He will save you? He will save you, you know? But what if you don't get that moment? See... I get too upset.

Lately the faith questions, and the opportunities to stand up for what I REALLY believe have been numerous. In some ways, I want it to go away. I don't want to hurt people - but I have to speak the truth. The truth? We don't all just get to Heaven by being good. It just doesn't work like that. And more truth? There is a devil, and hell, and evil and demons. They are real. They are at work. They want you to be down there with them. They would love that.

The good of it all is that it's become clear to me more than ever that I have grown in Christ. I DO feel confident that I know Him. I feel confident to express what I believe He wants others to know about Him. I clearly see that my own beliefs are based on His Word, and that they are truth. They ring true to me because the Spirit is in me - and He guides me. That is something I never knew that little old me would ever experience. I feel strong in what I believe about God. And it makes me so incredibly joyful! The opportunity to question my own belief system, and come out feeling stronger about it than I did before is priceless. I just absolutely wouldn't change a thing about what I believe... or at least the core of my faith anyway. It feels good to feel solid and confident in this. It's all I want to live for, and pass on to my kids. Everything else really means nothing.

So while I am at times feeling overwhelmed with fear for the eternal lives of friends and family, I am also feeling more at peace within myself. This I think is a really good thing. I know there is so much more that I could write about this, but I'd fill pages! And no one would read it.

"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere. "
Ephesians 6:12-18

Nightmares

Can you tell me if this happens to you? I go through periods of time where I cannot get rid of nightmares of bad things happening to my children, in which I'm rendered either helpless, or have to choose which one to save, or if I'll save myself and not them, etc.

It's definately the most horrible thing I've ever experienced as far as nightmares go. They started when James was a baby, and last for a few nights in a row and then go away (thank goodness). Even prayer doesn't always get rid of them - trust me, I've tried! They haunt me like nothing else can - and the visions stick in my mind all day.

PLEASE DO NOT keep reading if you are prone to these types of things as well. I just want to give you an idea of the nightmares I have. You can continue reading at the bottom.

Nightmare 1: Me and the kids survive a crash that lands us in a river in our van. I have to come up with a way to unbuckle them from their carseats, open the door, and swim to the surface holding both of them.

Nightmare 2: One or both children are kidnapped. Enough said.

Nightmare 3: I'm in a situation of the end times, where Christians have to profess to know God or deny Him. If I say I know Him, I will be expected to watch as horrific tortures are performed on my children.

Nightmare 4: One of my children has been kidnapped, and while in Winnipeg, I see him/her in the backseat of the car next to ours at a stop light. I get out of our car, and try to get them out - but the car doors are locked and it begins to get away.

In each of these nightmares, I'm left with the haunting visions of the last moments of my children's faces looking at me. I usually wake up and cry. I pray for our safety, and that I'll never be in a position where I would have to endure this kind of pain. Sometimes when the nightmares have been bad enough, I get up to go check on the kids and pray over them. Other times I have got on my knees, and prayed till morning. I'm going to continue to pray against these nightmares. Thankfully for now they seemed to have passed.

The Sequel III

Can't believe I'm posting this, it's horrible...

The original posted here, The Sequel posted here, and The Sequel II posted here.

James - 4 years

Okay, so he's still three days shy of being four. I was worried that I might not get a post in for him, so here goes... hope I can keep my tears away for this one!
As if he's four. As if. For some reason four is hitting me so much harder than three. Maybe because four means he is in preschool now, which starts the new thirteen year journey through school - and the beginnings of less of me, and more of his friends... and their influences. But that being said, James loves preschool! He is sometimes overwhelmed by the routine - and would like to keep doing the "fun" things and not so much of the "boring" things. He likes the free time, craft time, and snack time. Sometimes he likes story time. He doesn't like the singing (though I've caught him singing a few times). He also loves it when they go outside, but that is likely coming to an end now.
James is addicted to numbers. He loves ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with numbers. He loves cars with numbers on them, the number foamy things we have for the bathtub, our number magnets, his calculator, the phone... and sometimes he'll just sit and type numbers on the computer. He likes to ask me what certain number combinations are, like "Mom, what is a 1 and a 3 together?", "That's thirteen". This can go on for LONG periods of time. He also loves watching "Number Jacks" and has a favourite puzzle at school that is numbers. We have some wipe clean books, and he always does the pages with numbers. We wonder what this number fascination means for his future? Stock market trader?
If you have me as a friend on Facebook, you know that James also has funny things to say almost daily. The other day we drove past the Winnipeg Mint, and I told James they made coins there. He asked if we could go inside, and I said we couldn't that day but maybe another day. He groaned, and then said "I always wanted to go to the place where they make chocolate coins".
James also recently announced that he is no longer eating anything but Kraft dinner, and peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Really, this isn't too far out from his current diet. I can't get this kid to eat - particularly meat and veggies. Most days I try to make sure my meals include SOMETHING that he'll eat - but I'm getting tired of it. When I do try to make him eat new things (or things he just doesn't want to eat) he gags and pukes. So this is quite a problem, and I still don't know what to do about it. Thank goodness he'll eat fruit, and milk.
James is still the most sensitive and loving little boy I've ever known. He often will say for no reason at all that he loves me, or comes to give me a hug because he thinks I need one. He tells me that I'm beautiful, and that I smell good. He cares when he sees me upset, and cries when his little sister gets hurt. He adores his friends, and is loyal to them like no other. I hope and pray he will love Jesus like that someday!
So we'll see what the Fabulous Fours will bring! I hope it's his best year yet - with many more stories to tell.

Jesus Is the ONLY Way

Some of the core and foundational roots of what I believe as a Christian have been questioned recently. The verses below are the Scriptures that I believe to be truth, and that state with authority that Jesus is our Saviour. Without Jesus, we are not saved. But with that, it's also important to me that people understand that we are not here to judge. I don't know anyone's heart but my own. However, I want to speak the truth, I do not want to deceive, and I don't want anyone living in blatant sin to think that I approve. You need to believe in Jesus. You need to know Him. There is NO other way to Heaven.

Isaiah 43:10,11 - “You are My witnesses,” says the Lord, “And My servant whom I have chosen, That you may know and believe Me, and understand that I am He. Before Me there was no God formed, Nor shall there be after Me. I, even I, am the Lord, and besides Me there is no Savior.”

John 5:23 - that all should honor the Son just as they honor the Father. He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent Him.

John 8:24 - “Therefore I said to you that you will die in your sins; for if you do not believe that I AM He, you will die in your sins.”

John 9:35-38 - Jesus heard that they had put him out; and finding him, He said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?” He answered and said, “And who is He, Lord, that I may believe in Him?” Jesus said to him, “You have both seen Him, and He is the one who is talking with you.” And he said, “Lord, I believe.” And he worshiped Him.

Acts 4:12 - “Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”

2 John 1:7 - For many deceivers have gone out into the world who do not confess Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist.

1 Peter 2:24 - “who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we having died to sins, might live for righteousness - by whose stripes you were healed.”

Philipians 2:5-8 - “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those who are in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Revelation 1:17-18 - “Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last, and the living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades.”

There could be many more added to this list - but these are some of my favourites. I wish I was better at memorizing, so that I could pull these out whenever I needed them.

Death Will Do That

When a soul is snatched away from earth, there is an emptiness in the air that you can almost feel. It's like the spirit realm has to rearrange itself, making room for the new soul - and the air surrounding us has to adjust to one less body breathing it in. Have you ever felt that? The feeling that there is a presence, and yet a complete lack of presence when someone dies too soon, unexpectedly?
Our community is facing that kind of emptiness this week. A dear friend, and mother, and wife, and sister, and grandma, was snatched away from earth this week in a car crash. There is such a heaviness here - you can feel it. Faces are not bright when you meet in the store. Eyes are swollen, faces drawn, shoulders hunched. There is some rejoicing - she gets to join the son she lost in heaven. But down here, she will be missed greatly. This was a woman who loved. In everything she did, there was love.
That's what I hope I'll bring to this earth. I hope I exude love. I hope that when I die people will say, "She really knew what it meant to love". So here's my love you... can you feel it? I'm trying to pour it out to YOU. I love you. You are special to me. God loves you. You are special to Him.
Oh, and Marj, when you get to heaven, can you hug my babies for me?

Speaking of Growing Up Too Fast...

She walks! Well, almost.

Don't Grow Up So Fast!

I admit that sometimes (and maybe more than usual lately) I have been wishing for James to grow up. His latest issues are exhausting, and some days I just don't know if I'm going to get through the day in one piece! But today I took a little stroll down memory lane, and looked back to a post I did on this same day two years ago. This little video got me all teared up. Where has the time gone?! That little voice... I miss it already! Thank goodness there are lots more years of James being little yet to enjoy!

Feeling Like Me Again

It feels so incredibly good to feel like me again! Honestly, the last two months have been the first time since about February that I have truly felt normal. I am loving each moment, and have just been able to truly appreciate feeling genuine happiness, contentment, joy, peace, love... I thought that I had lost these things, and wondered if I would be trapped in that feeling of a mental whirlwind forever. I knew it was just going to be a matter of time - and the right combination of circumstances - that would eventually get me out of that rut. That, and God.

I have diligently been doing my Bible study for the last two months - and some may say it's a coincidence, but I doubt it - that it's been one of the circumstances that has changed my life. This Beth Moore series we're doing on the fruit of the Spirit is phenomenal. I have started making it part of my daily routine - to pour out to God, and allow Him to fill me with the Spirit. I saw instant results. That's right - it was instant. Sometimes, in the words of Beth Moore, I have been able to "change my day" and at the same time "change my life". What an amazing tidbit of wisdom!

The fact that I can now blog is evidence of a change. I tried to blog over the last few months, but my mind was filled with so many thoughts - much of it negative - that I couldn't formulate my ideas, and would just sit blankly at the screen until I gave up. Now my mind is clear. I can focus. I get an idea, and then I find the right time to sit and blog it. I can feel the Spirit pushing my direction (not always, but a lot of the time), and sometimes even changing my responses to situations without me realizing what's happening! That alone seems to have made a difference within my marriage, and my responses to my kids.

So if you are part of a small study group - take "Living Beyond Yourself". Or start a group of women and take it. Or just do it for yourself. It will change your day... and your life.

P.S. I believe that this post was specifically written to impact someone. I was unable to post it for about a week now or more, and finally it worked - after I PRAYED that it would work. Not sure who you are, or in what way this is meant to be for you - but don't ignore the message! I hope you will be blessed!