Surreal

This pregnancy feels so much more surreal to me than my pregnancy with James. I don't know if it's still the way my subconscious mind is trying to protect me from believing that we will actually have a live baby in our arms in a few short weeks. When I think about holding a little tiny babe in my arms, it just doesn't seem real! It just doesn't feel like it's really going to come to pass! Have you ever had that, where you plan an event, or a trip and when you try to imagine yourself there, you just can't? It just doesn't seem possible? That's how I feel. Even though I am VERY aware of baby's existence (I got a lot of stares in the mall today, some sympathetic, some in shock, some with smiles of knowing), and looking and feeling extremely pregnant, I can't believe a baby is there. Can you believe it? There is a sweet baby in there, just waiting to come out and meet us and be in our arms. I will have another love of my life to hold, to kiss, to nurture, to cherish, to lavish with love. My body will grow a "second heart", and I will somehow have the capacity to love another little one as I love my James. Hard to imagine loving two like that - James is our universe.
I don't know if I can entirely blame hormones, but this has been an emotional time for me. It's hard to put into words why it is so emotional. Perhaps because I know how close I am to holding in my arms a true miracle, and how I want so badly for this baby's life to be a testament to others of the grace, and true nature of the God I love. Perhaps it's because I pleaded to God for this baby's life, and to look into that face will be like looking into the face of Christ. Perhaps because of the many promises I made to my Lord and Saviour if only He would allow me to carry this baby. In any case, I have shed many tears over my children. Some tears of joy for their existence, and some tears of fear that I might fail them. My biggest hope is that my children sense and see in me a true relationship with Jesus. Not just a show, and not just a Sunday faith. I want them to see me in fellowship and relationship with Jesus every day, in all parts of my day. I want them to know Jesus because they see how I know Him. This is my prayer.
I can hardly believe that only 20 days are left until I see my precious baby. My arms long to hold this child so badly - the pain and waiting, the wondering and the praying, the tears and the joy - all worth that moment of being handed a new little bundle of blessings. I feel so incredibly blessed.
Baby Banana still has no name picked yet. This has been a bit of a struggle, as Ryan and I have very different tastes in names. Yes, we agreed on James' name, but this time around it seems like it's been harder to narrow it down. Truth be told, I really have only one name that I like and want - and in my mind I am often calling baby this name already! To me the name has deep meaning, and I love it. Hopefully we'll come to an agreement soon. Baby could be here any day!
I haven't take any new pics lately - it's been busy around here! Maybe tomorrow I can hire my sister-in-law to be my personal photographer and get some new ones taken.