This pregnancy feels so much more surreal to me than my pregnancy with James. I don't know if it's still the way my subconscious mind is trying to protect me from believing that we will actually have a live baby in our arms in a few short weeks. When I think about holding a little tiny babe in my arms, it just doesn't seem real! It just doesn't feel like it's really going to come to pass! Have you ever had that, where you plan an event, or a trip and when you try to imagine yourself there, you just can't? It just doesn't seem possible? That's how I feel. Even though I am VERY aware of baby's existence (I got a lot of stares in the mall today, some sympathetic, some in shock, some with smiles of knowing), and looking and feeling extremely pregnant, I can't believe a baby is there. Can you believe it? There is a sweet baby in there, just waiting to come out and meet us and be in our arms. I will have another love of my life to hold, to kiss, to nurture, to cherish, to lavish with love. My body will grow a "second heart", and I will somehow have the capacity to love another little one as I love my James. Hard to imagine loving two like that - James is our universe.
I don't know if I can entirely blame hormones, but this has been an emotional time for me. It's hard to put into words why it is so emotional. Perhaps because I know how close I am to holding in my arms a true miracle, and how I want so badly for this baby's life to be a testament to others of the grace, and true nature of the God I love. Perhaps it's because I pleaded to God for this baby's life, and to look into that face will be like looking into the face of Christ. Perhaps because of the many promises I made to my Lord and Saviour if only He would allow me to carry this baby. In any case, I have shed many tears over my children. Some tears of joy for their existence, and some tears of fear that I might fail them. My biggest hope is that my children sense and see in me a true relationship with Jesus. Not just a show, and not just a Sunday faith. I want them to see me in fellowship and relationship with Jesus every day, in all parts of my day. I want them to know Jesus because they see how I know Him. This is my prayer.
I can hardly believe that only 20 days are left until I see my precious baby. My arms long to hold this child so badly - the pain and waiting, the wondering and the praying, the tears and the joy - all worth that moment of being handed a new little bundle of blessings. I feel so incredibly blessed.
Baby Banana still has no name picked yet. This has been a bit of a struggle, as Ryan and I have very different tastes in names. Yes, we agreed on James' name, but this time around it seems like it's been harder to narrow it down. Truth be told, I really have only one name that I like and want - and in my mind I am often calling baby this name already! To me the name has deep meaning, and I love it. Hopefully we'll come to an agreement soon. Baby could be here any day!
I haven't take any new pics lately - it's been busy around here! Maybe tomorrow I can hire my sister-in-law to be my personal photographer and get some new ones taken.
6 comments :
You worded this perfectly Heather. We still pray for you guys often and are very excited to hear of Baby Banana's arrival! And don't worry, he/she won't remain nameless forever. Just do what my mom did. Picked my name and my dad didn't really want it, but after he saw her go through birth he said "name her whatever you like!" lol.
Take care soon to be mama of 2!!!
I'm so excited for you to hold this baby in your arms :) It's going to be here before you know it!
I found my last pregnancy surreal - but I think it was more due to the fact that I was so busy caring for 2 that I didn't have time to realize what was coming! I know your reasons are a bit different and come from those extra months of waiting and hoping, but perhaps James is also distracting you a bit from the reality of the big change that is coming!
I hope you settle on a name that you can both like. Names seem to get harder with each pregnancy!
Oh, and I agree with Wenona. Once Ryan watches you go through labour for the 2nd time he might be willing to let you have your way with the name ;)
I'll let you in on a secret for your next pregnancy that I only figured on my third time around. Don't talk about baby names until the baby is born but have your name ready. Then just as the girls said, bounce the name off of him shortly after the baby is born. Works like a charm. lol My hubby is very conservative with his names and I was my contemporary. We ended up with Dakota Sky. I still can't believe how easy it was. lol
I hope your festival goes great!
Wishing the best delivery.
I hope you get your to pick the name too!
You my friend do not have just a sunday faith and your kids will see that daily. You are a gift my dear!
Aw, I know exactly what you're talking about with feeling overwhelmed with emotions, anxiety, excitement, longing...I felt those exact things a lot more the second time around than with the first. I think because we KNOW what to expect, we KNOW how wonderful that feeling is. I remember when I was in labor with Britta, I would just start to BAWL...not because I was in physical pain, but I was so overcome by emotions and felt so in tune with what was happening with giving birth, giving life to my new baby. Its a beautiful BEAUTIFUL thing to go through - pregnancy and birth. I will pray for you in the next couple of weeks - you'll get by, and soon have your baby.
Okay, about the name thing...Rusty is TOTALLY like your hubby. Impossible to come up with a name we both agree on. If we have a third girl, I don't know WHAT we'll decide on. Lol! I'm starting to wonder if you're not having a boy...I get a strong sense now that you're carrying a boy. :) Aw, whatever he or she is, it's a baby. :)
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