As Today Goes On

Today has been a pretty good day, considering the circumstances. I keep thinking of a prayer that I posted when we lost our first baby, and I think it is still so appropriate. I put on Casting Crowns this morning, and while listening to the words of "Lifesong" God blessed me with a vision of my two lost babies on Jesus lap - all three were laughing together, Jesus, a little boy and a little girl. It was a beautiful vision, and I just feel really good knowing that my two little precious babies have each other while they wait for us.

Sorry, Sad News

Hey everyone. I am not going to go into a lot of detail right now, but just simply ask for your prayers and support as Ryan and I lost our baby. We went into the hospital yesterday morning, and it was confirmed by ultrasound that our baby hadn't made it. They immediately booked us in for a same-day D & C, and we got home last night around 10:00pm. I have a lot to say about all this (of course), but for now I just ask for your prayers for quick healing.

"Tho' Satan's darts at me are hurled", and I'm wincing in pain,

"I will not be shaken, I will not be moved".

The Gift of Giving

I believe that I have been blessed with the gift of gift-giving! I love to give gifts, and it gives me a lot of joy to shower people with blessings. I like coming up with ideas of what to get for people, and I love to shop for these things until I find the perfect thing. Recently, I decided that I needed to keep my gift-giving under control, so I made a decision to only give one gift a week and keep to a certain price range. It has been helpful to me to do this, and I enjoy spending time each week praying about and preparing my next weekly gift.

Receiving gifts is also one of my love languages, and therefore, I tend to use gifts as a way to show love as well. Unfortunately, I don't think that receiving gifts is a great love language to have because it can be very unfulfilling. Particularly if your husband, family or close friends aren't necessarily gift-givers! It's not their fault at all, and yet to a person with this love language it is easy to feel unloved and neglected.

However, this week I have felt overwhelmed with love. It's not only because I received some gifts - I also got some really neat emails and phone calls. It was special to get some unexpected gifts though. Pictured below are some of the blessings that I received this week - as well as a waffle breakfast, a free lunch and some banana chocolate chip muffins too! Thanks to my friends and family who blessed me in this way this week, and thanks to God for knowing my need to be blessed.

Lifesong

Empty hands held high

Such small sacrifice

If not joined with my life

I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say

And the things I do

Make my lifesong sing

Bring a smile to You

Let my lifesong sing to You

Let my lifesong sing to You

I want to sign Your name to the end of this day

Knowing that my heart was true

Let my lifesong sing to You

Lord I give my life

A living sacrifice

To reach a world in need

To be Your hands and feet

So may the words I say

And the things I do

Make my lifesong sing

Bring a smile to You

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Let my lifesong sing to You

Planning

I am already really starting to think about what life with two under two is going to be like, and how I want to make it as easy (and happy) as possible. As I've already mentioned, James will be making a move to the second floor. I am excited about decorating his room, and making him a secret hideout in one of the crawl spaces. I am actually excited about moving the office into the basement too, as I would be able to use the computer while watching TV, or work while James watched a movie (just dreaming that it could really happen). There are also a couple of other changes that we will be making that will improve life with two immensely. The biggest change - a new van! We've been van shopping for a while, and have finally decided on a 2008 Dodge Caravan. We haven't ordered it yet, but soon and very soon I shall be able to transfer my children with ease - and MUCH less strain on my back! Woohoo! The other great option with the van is that we will likely be hauling a bigger stroller! I really like the new Graco Quattro Tour Duo, and will ask for money for my birthday in June to get it. I love that I can use my Graco SnugRide carseat in it! So that is some of our plans thus far, if you have any great advice about making life easier with two under two - let me know! I'm all for suggestions and things to try!

Alone on the Stairs

I grew up in a small town that has a population with the majority being Christian. Looking back, I sometimes feel as though it was sometimes assumed that you would just naturally become a Christian at a young age. Some of the "basics" of Christianity were sort of hurried over, because we should have just known that. This was not the fault of any one person or organization or anything. It's just that for me the transition of child-like faith to the development of my own faith was hard. It's difficult for me to explain, but I was one of those that needed extra help in this area, but I didn't know it. I sort of felt ashamed that I didn't feel as Christ-like as others, and I never felt good enough. I really just wanted to know how to feel like I was "good enough". How did people get to that place with God? I felt like I was alone on a stairway that would eventually lead me to "that place" where I would finally be "good enough" for God. I was so alone there, and I was often travelling half a step forward, and three steps back.

It wasn't until years later, after I was married, when I went to my mother-in-laws church that my eyes were opened. The pastor began to speak right to me! He said "Do any of you feel like you are on a neverending stairway, trying to reach the top where God is, but never getting any closer? Do you feel you will never be good enough for God, or to enter the Kingdom of Heaven?" Then he said, "These are lies that Satan is telling you. He wants you to believe you are alone on those stairs. He wants you to think you will never be good enough". At this point I was almost in tears, because all my life - up until that point - I had been walking that stairway alone, and never feeling like I was a person God would want. The pastor continued, "Stop believing Satan's lies! He is a deceiver, and a liar! Only God is the truth. He says to us 'Seek and you will find me, knock and the door will be opened'. You are never alone on those stairs. God is with each of us, standing next to us - holding our hand, and helping us up to the next step. You were good enough for God when you accepted Him into your heart and took that first step. There are no goals to reach, or levels of Christianity to get to. You are good enough NOW. He is with you NOW." My life changed at that moment. All those years of believing that I had to get to a certain place to be good enough for God melted away. I was good enough. I wasn't alone. God wanted me to become stronger in my faith, and He would be there to help me get there - and if I failed, He would still be there! Honestly, this was all new to me - and I was rejoicing, finally, in the truth!

From that moment on my life was different. It wasn't long after that a friend and I began a woman's Bible study group - and it has been strong and growing ever since. I feel like a new person, and every day I am learning something new about my faith and what I can do with it. I am writing this today for anyone that may think they are alone on those stairs. You are not alone. Satan wants you to believe that you are alone - don't let him lie to you! I want to encourage you that you are good enough for God today, right now, even in your sin and imperfection. You are good enough. God wants you to grow, and He's there to help - but you don't have to do it on your own.

Think of a child and his father. What father would make their child walk through darkness to get to him? No loving father would do that. He would hold his child's hand, and walk with him. How much more love does our Heavenly Father have for us than any earthly father? He will not make us walk the path alone. He is there - holding our hand. This doesn't mean we won't fall, and it doesn't mean that we won't get hurt. A good father will allow his children to learn from some mistakes, and thus they grow and learn. So it is with God. He doesn't want bad things to happen to us, but He will allow it if He knows that it will make us grow.

But even there, if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin, he won't forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them.

~ Deuteronomy 4:29-31 ~

U R What U Eat

If it's true that "you are what you eat", subsequently causing my unborn baby to be at risk of becoming what I've been eating, he or she is going to look a lot like sour soothers, cinnamon hearts, cool ranch Doritos and pudding! My pregnancy eating habits are SO bad. My biggest aversions are to anything healthy, and all my cravings are for anything unhealthy! Seriously, the minute I become pregnant I instantly find myself picking out the worst cereals (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Sugar Crisp to name a few). I also find myself filling the shopping cart with candy, chocolate bars, hot chocolate mixes, GUSHERS (yes, I bought myself Gushers). What is going on with me? I want to eat healthy, and keep my body healthy for the baby - but all my taste buds are screaming for junk. I have tried forcing myself to eat better things, to drink water, to eat toast... but by mid-afternoon I'm on a sugar low, and I completely indulge, making excuses to myself that I deserve the treats because I went all morning without. Help!

Could It Get Any Better Than This?

I had to ask myself if life could really get any better than this. I loved my entire day today - with the exception of one little part, which I'll explain later.

God has been moving mountains in my life lately, and I just can't praise Him enough for it. A few months ago things were pretty rocky in various areas of my life, and I didn't know how things were going to turn out. As usual, I had to make a very conscious effort to hand my troubles over to God. Without any argument, He took my troubles, and opened my eyes to a possible solution. When I obeyed His word, and did as He told me, He blessed me by making the solution a cure. I was in awe.

Not only that, but He blessed me with a friend to help me make more changes in my life than I ever thought was possible. The day that I had a D & C after our miscarriage I was introduced to Rebekah. I don't remember how it came to be that our friendship blossomed, but God knew that I needed her in my life. Rebekah has taught me so many things in the last two years, I just have to thank God that she came when she did. I'm a totally different person, and my faith has grown beyond measure with her discipleship. When I already felt totally blessed to know her, God decided to take it a step further and move her and her family NEXT DOOR! He truly is a God who wishes to lavish love on us! It has been amazing to have my best friend live next door. It breaks my heart that she and her family will be leaving on missions this year - but I am so proud of her, and know that she can change other people's lives the way she has changed mine. I'm going to miss her. However, she has planted seeds in my life that have taken root and are producing fruit. Some of these things are that I finally feel I know what my gifts are, and how I can use them. I also am learning how to hear God's voice - and OBEY it. Sometimes that means doing things that I think seem kind of weird, or that I don't want to do. In every case that I have just listened to God, I have been blessed 10-fold. I'd love to tell you all of these stories, but it would take days.

But how does all this contribute to my day? It just feels like I am walking on air these days. I am happier than I ever have been. Often trips to the city mean that somewhere along the line I'll get into an argument with my husband. Today we didn't even really come close, and I felt like we worked together like a true couple that loves each other. James was awesome all day, and never ceases to capture the eyes of strangers who come to tell us what a great little boy we have. We just glow with pride - he truly is great!

We went to the city today right after lunch. Ryan did a few returns and exchanges, and then we headed to the mall to get our passport photos taken. I wish I could post them - they are SO hilarious! We all look like criminals! After photos, we had to go pick out new Robeez for James. I would usually tend to do this on my own, because I like to get the ones that I like. I decided to let Ryan choose this time though - and he chose the ones I wanted! So cool! We then visited some friends for a little while, and then went to Grapes for supper. Supper was good, and James was quite well-behaved. The only trouble was that James had a major poopy diaper while we were there. I went to the bathroom to change him, and like usual, put him on the change table and the diaper bag on the floor. After getting him all changed, I picked up the diaper bag and it was soaking wet. Gross. Then I noticed that it was soaked because one of the toilets was flooding the bathroom. GROSS! I don't even know what to do about the diaper bag now - if I didn't love it so much, I'd just throw it away and get a new one. Ew.

Anyway, I just had a fabulous day and wanted to share some of the joys in my life right now. Of course, needless to mention is the new little life growing inside me right now. Some of my anxiety has gone away, and I'm feeling much better - just one more reason to give glory to God! Be blessed friends!

GQ James

Just had to post this pic of James looking all "GQ" in his sweater.

Pregnancy Paranoia

I'm having a really hard time not being paranoid with this pregnancy - which is not indifferent to my two previous pregnancies! I don't know why, but since the beginning something in the back of my mind wants me to believe that something is going wrong. I have fought feelings like this most of my life, as I come from a family of worriers. I never wanted to be one, but it seems like I've genetically been cursed with the worry wart syndrome. I haven't been able to rest properly, and every single time I go to the bathroom I'm checking to make sure there are no signs of trouble. I did have some issues a couple of weeks ago, so my Dr. gave me a WinRho shot - but she says that there isn't anything showing up that would indicate that I need an ultrasound. I'm trying to trust that - and I know these fears are from Satan. He's just really attacking me right now, and I'm finding it too tiring to fight him off. I just want to hear that baby's heartbeat, that's all I want.

In the meantime, my grandma is getting married in May and has asked my cousin and I to be her bridesmaids (her two granddaughters). I am quite excited about it - except that I'll be 6 months pregnant and need to find a dress! I looked online for some maternity bridesmaid dress ideas. The ones I'll post below all look much the same, but I think they may have possibilities. I don't know what colour we are going with yet. My favourite is the pink one on the right. Hopefully we're not wearing pink though - I look awful in pink!

Picture Post

Fun with forks.
Bedhead boys.
Blue-eyed brusher.
Nine weeks and counting.

A New Room for James

I've already been thinking about how I want to decorate James' new room. I am hoping we will have him moved into his new room, and settled in by June - two months before the new baby arrives, and "steals" his old bedroom.

The room we are going to move him into is on the second floor, and is currently our office. We are going to move the office stuff into our basement. It's a really cute room, with bright windows, a dormer, a closet, and two crawl spaces. Right now it is painted a billiard table-green, which I think I'll keep. I want to do an animals theme (see photo of bedding below). I'm not sure if I'll order the border that goes with the set - it would be cute, but I am VERY anti-wallpaper.

It isn't ideal that he will be on the second floor, however Ryan has some snoring issues and actually sleeps up there more often than not. We'd also keep the gate on the stairs for the night, so I wouldn't be worried that he would try to come down in the dark. It's good because if Ryan is up there, he can look after James and I can look after baby downstairs. There is also a bathroom on the second floor, so when James starts toilet training he won't have far to go to the bathroom!

There are also two crawl spaces in that room. I think it would be super cute to finish out one of them, with paint, carpet and a light so James would have a secret hideout in his room!

Here are some pics of the (messy) room, and the bedding I want.

New Year Complaints

Well, we didn't exactly ring in the New Year with style this year. New Years Eve started off with a trip to the city with my mom to take James to the pediatrician. I had basically figured out what he had, but when your little son is barking like a dog/seal it causes concern that can really only be put to rest by a Doctor.

I love the pediatrician that we see at the walk-in. She is one of those people that make the world a better place by reassuring mothers that they are doing the best job that they can. Then she gives you a straight forward answer to your child's problem with no "maybe" or "it might be", and then the kicker - she always offers a solution, remedies and ideas to help make it better. I just love her.

So, after a fairly survivable wait at the walk-in we got in to see her and she affirmed my initial thoughts that he has croup. It is a virus, and so that means we can't give him anything for it and it has to run it's course. I don't know if you have ever heard a child with croup - but it sounds TERRIBLE! It basically sounds like he could cough up a lung at any given moment, or completely stop breathing. Cold air is good for it, so now is the one time when it doesn't completely suck to have a sick kid in the middle of winter. Okay, it still sucks, but at least the cold air helps this particular problem. Thank the dear Lord, James somehow seems to still be able to sleep through the night despite the seal-like coughing. This is a complete God-send, because these days I cannot function without some sleep. Cough medications are not recommended for croup either, so we are just putting our faith in a cool mist vaporiser, Vicks Vapo Rub and prayer.

All that being said, James being sick and my being pregnant (in my first trimester) is not a great combo. He requires extra attention and patience, and I am lacking both of these. He also wants to be in my arms at all times, and this is not very comfortable anymore. I am semi-nauseous all day, crampy, grouchy, emotional, my back hurts and of course there are few other aches and pains not worth mentioning. It hasn't been fun for the two of us in this little predicament together. Poor Ryan is stuck at home this week with the two of us, and although it's basically been the only reason why we've survived, I'm quite sure he is looking forward to going back to work next week. Oh boy, I'm NOT looking forward to that at all.

James is getting his MMR shot tomorrow morning. Apparently it's fine, even if he has croup. As long as there is no fever, he is getting the vaccination. I know that many people have been discussing the pros and cons of vaccinating. Well, here is one reason why I am having James vaccinated...

Child with polio.

However, all this complaining still leaves me with a huge smile on my face. My son will be happy and healthy again, and I love him more than anything I have ever loved before. My hubby still seems to love me despite my frustration and tears. And, in about 7-8 months, we will have another perfectly lovely addition to our family - for whom I would have done all of this over again a million times. "God is so good - He's so good to me."