Great News

As I sit here, polishing off a jar of olives, I can barely type for the tears of joy filling my eyes as I contemplate how to write a post that with justly honor God the way I want it to!

Let's start here...

BFP - May 13, 2013

We are expecting baby Plett No.3 to grace our home, fill our arms and our hearts, and likely complete our little family around January 20, 2014.  We had been loosely "trying" for a while, and took a little break before Christmas so that I wouldn't be in the throws of early pregnancy while on our vacation.  We began again while we were out there, but not too seriously.  After a few months without success, I started to take a supplement called Fertilaid.  I noticed a change in my first cycle after that, and sure enough... I was pregnant that month!

But the story never ends there for me.  There is this beautiful moment of joy and excitement, and then the crashing realization that I'm in love with this little baby... and I don't know if I get to keep him or her.  The fear and heartache of knowing that truth, knowing the fragility of life that I hold inside me, is painful.

That night, after seeing those lovely double lines on the pregnancy test I just fell in prayer before God.  I thought about entering into His throne room, with bright white stairs leading up to a glowing light that is God on His throne.  I was barefoot, and I fell on my face, and just begged God to tell me, "Will I get to meet this baby?  I need to know!".  At that moment, Jesus entered the room, and sat on the stairs.  He looked over to his right, and beckoned for someone to come to Him.  My four beautiful, perfect angel babies ran to Jesus, and sat on His lap.  They were... perfect.  I think it was three boys, and one girl - a little girl with blonde curls like her sister Rayya.  They were smiling, and so happy!  They looked at me, and they said, "We asked Jesus if you could keep this baby.  And He said..." and they all said together, "... and He said 'Yes'!".  Then they all ran to me, and hugged me, and said, "We love you mom!  We love you, and dad, and James and Rayya!".  And then they ran off again... and I opened my eyes in the darkness of my bedroom, and wept, and wept, and wept.  It was the most comforting moment I can ever remember.  The fact that my miscarried babies came to talk to me was confirmation that this was in fact God speaking to me - because I was not even thinking about them at the time, and it was so profound to have them be the ones to give me that news.

But my faith still waivered.  I couldn't stop worrying.  I kept wondering if it was all going to abruptly end.  I didn't even want to tell people I was pregnant, because in so many ways it has felt redundant, and guarded, and covered with "if everything goes well" or "as long as this baby sticks" or "we'll keep you updated if anything changes".  I can never just say, "Yay! I'm pregnant!  Let's celebrate!".

I tried to have some tests done by my doctor, but she denied me.  I ended up called my Obstetrician, who was happy to run an HcG beta test for me.  It is a series of blood tests that measure the amount of HcG in my body - which typically doubles ever 48 hours in a healthy pregnancy.  I was so nervous.

On the day of the first test, a friend called in the morning and prayed with me.  It was such a nice prayer, and she specifically asked God to hold our baby in His hands.  While driving to Morris that morning, I saw this in the sky...

Do you see it?  It's the hand of God, reaching down out of Heaven.  The cloud had changed somewhat from the initial moment I saw it, but in the crook of the hand (near the "thumb") was a shape just right to be the size of a 7 week baby, which is what our baby would have been at that time.  It was a stunning sign.

But my faith still waivered.  Eventually my test results came back, and they were "perfect".  However, I am just a little too educated to feel 100% at peace.  I knew that a blighted ovum (which is what I had with my last miscarriage before Rayya was born), could mimic a healthy pregnancy, and even result in "perfect" HcG beta results.  I was not convinced that everything was okay yet.  I needed to hear that baby's heart.

Feeling foolish not to have enough faith to let it go, I booked an ultrasound at Babymoon anyway.  I just felt that seeing and hearing baby's heart would be the thing that would help to put all my fears at ease.  It didn't matter that I was feeling exhausted, extremely nauseous, bloated, etc.  I was taking a progesterone supplement that could easily give me all of those symptoms, and even some of my miscarried pregnancies came with all the usual signs.

The morning of June 19th, the day of the ultrasound appointment, my friend Rebekah called to pray with me before my appointment.  She lead me through some listening prayer - imagining Jesus in the ultrasound room, and what He was saying, or doing.  I envisioned Him standing next to the bed, smiling.  Rebekah asked Jesus to tell me what He would want me to know in that moment, and I clearly and immediately heard, "Do not be afraid".  She then asked Him what He would give to me in return for my obedience, and handing over this burden to Him.  Initially I saw nothing, but then I saw Jesus in front of me, smiling, and handing me a baby wrapped up in a blanket (I think the blanket was blue, if that means anything!).

I picked up James early from school and took him and Rayya to meet Ryan at Babymoon.  I felt complete peace.  I was not afraid.  I was excited!  Only a few seconds into the ultrasound and we saw a little first glimpse of "Baby Kiwi".  The kids were so excited, and I was just in awe!  We saw and heard it's heart, and perfect 180 bpm.

Here is baby...

Everything is continuing to go well.  I have rented a fetal doppler for two months, because I still get attacked and worry that the baby has died.  However, I have never miscarried a baby later than 9 weeks, so I am quite certain this little one is going to stick around!  This is my first pregnancy that was not preceded by a miscarriage, and I am SO thankful to God for blessing me with that experience!  I should not be surprised.  Prior to conceiving Rayya, I asked for healing prayer from my pastor and elders in my church.  I was annointed with oil and prayed over for healing of my womb.  I conceived Rayya shortly after that, and I do not think I should be surprised that God would COMPLETELY heal me - and not just for one pregnancy, but for every pregnancy that would follow!

What a loving, powerful God we serve!  Thank you Jesus for this baby!  I promise you that he or she will forever know how much they are loved by You!

In the Potter's Hands

If only I could go into detail about how I have been reminded this week that I am merely the clay, and that I'm being forever shaped by the hands of the Potter.  Imperfect, flawed, even ugly... the Potter is working to smooth me out, fix the cracks, beautify my soul.

To be honest, it's been hard to look at it as a learning experience.  The more raw feeling I have is that my spirit is crushed.  I haven't had that feeling in years.  I was in SUCH a good place in my life.  I felt confident, and was gaining confidence each day in just resting in God's arms, and trusting that He would guide me to be the mother, wife and friend I was supposed to be.  I was spending less time comparing myself and my abilities to others.  I felt really in tune with God.  I felt genuine happiness.

And then it all got stripped away by a few comments and emails.

Where I thought I was being gentle, helpful, caring, considerate... I was told I was brash, insensitive, mean, and way out of line.  Where I thought I was helping, sympathizing, offering, complimenting... I was told (very nicely really) that I was overwhelming, not needed, not wanted, overstepping boundaries, getting in the way. I was literally crushed.  Everything that I thought I was, who I was, what I am GOOD at, just crumbled and fell.

I can't find my footing again.  I feel like a fish out of water.  Who am I?  Am I even a good person?  What do people really think about me?  What do they say about me when I'm not there?  What if all along I thought I was really a good person, that people thought well of, but I actually was not?  

It's hard to go out.  I feel like people look at me different.  I know that small town tongues wag a lot, and I'm convinced that few people like me anymore.  I am convinced that they no longer see the heart of my actions, and the genuine love and care that I want to have when I speak.

We even wrote out encouragements to each other at our mom's group this week.  I read each one on the sheet, and usually I just feel rejuvenated.  This time I just felt like the words were empty.  I read them, and I either felt that I wasn't what those words said, or that they just didn't say enough to repair the holes I feel in my heart right now.

Everything and everyone feels distant.  I've tried praying, and it just doesn't feel good they way it used to.  I've called out to God to take away the lies - but those words keep stinging, and because they haven't gone away I feel like maybe they weren't lies.  Maybe they were the truth.  Maybe God wanted me to get stripped down to this place.  But does He really want me to feel like... this?

I want to blame hormones, vitamin deficiency, stress.  These things contribute, for sure.  But in reality I know that something bigger is happening in my soul - and I just don't know if it's good or bad, or who or what is making me feel this way.  This is not a good feeling.  This is not a good place to be.

Why can't I just shake this off?!  I've done it before!  Words that smart... all I've had to do is think, "My best friends don't think of me like that.  My mom doesn't think of me like that".  I've told a small number of people what has happened, and they've supported my actions.  Yet I still feel like I did the wrong thing, and that it will never feel the same again.  Perhaps I should move away.  Go somewhere where no one knows me, or what I said, or what I did, and then they'll like me.

And really I didn't think I did anything serious - so why such a big blow?  Why is this recovery taking so much time?  I should just be able to bounce back, and be me again.

The truth... I don't like me now.  Ouch.  That hurts to say a loud in my head, and type out with the keys.  I don't like the extroverted me, the over-the-top caring me, the dramatic me, the brave me, the me who truly puts my heart out there for EVERYONE that I love and often get stung for doing so.

I want to be the quiet, introverted, sweet, gentle, meek, mild me.  And maybe I will be now.  But it's hard to fight off the real me.  It's hard to be someone I really am not.  So I know that the real me is going to come back, and if I wouldn't be fighting it - I would be back already.

Sorry such a depressing post.  Just needed to vent how I feel today.

Broken Heart

I don't even know where to start.  I didn't spend much time thinking ahead to this post.  I just went online and saw an article a friend had shared on Facebook regarding the case against the abortionist, Gosnell.  I read it.  I wept.  A photo of a 30 week baby boy, curled up and bleeding in a box.  Born alive, his spinal cord was split, and then he was thrown into a box where he jerked and flailed until he died.

This is the world we live in now.  Where my children have yet to grow up.  Lord, come back.  Please, please, come back.

I cannot begin to explain how this shatters my heart.  I can't even begin to imagine how it would feel to someone who had no children, but longed to have one.  That these babies are murdered by having their spinal cords broken, and then tossed into a box?!  This is not a legal procedure, however, what difference does it make if that baby has been born or not?  That this is acceptable as long as the baby is still in utero?  Someone out there, someone... please, make them see that this has to stop.  This HAS to stop.

Please, please... I will take that baby for you.

D.I.E.T.

These days I blog only when something big is on my mind - and I don't have a good public soapbox to stand on, nor do I think it's appropriate to rant about it on Facebook.  I come here, to my private space on the web so that only a select few of you can read my thoughts.  Hopefully I am not judged, and that you can take my words as being just woman's opinion - and that each of us are entitled to that.

Diet.  Dieting.  On a diet.  I hate that word so much.  I wish I was someone who could truly "diet", but I guess I just don't have a huge amount of self control because I can't seem to cut out anything for a long period of time... unless I had to cut out veggies.  I don't love veggies.

Recently I was asked if I was on a diet, and what I was doing to lose weight.  I had to chuckle.  First, I am not really losing weight.  Several months before our Christmas vacation I got inspired to try an herbal metabolism booster, plus I got really motivated to reach a certain weight goal by Christmas, so I very diligently did an exercise routine almost every day for 3 months.  I did reach my goal, which was not huge, and now I am just sitting at that weight.  On purpose.  No intention to lose more.  I told her that my diet has not significantly changed for the last 20 years. 

Here are the rules for my personal "D.I.E.T.".  It is an acronym for "Daily Intentional Eating Technique".  Yes people, I came up with that on my own!

• Eat.  This is important.  Not eating is not good for you.  Eat when you are hungry, and at meal times. 
• Don't eat ANYTHING you want.  Think about what you ate last.  Have you had something good for you that day?  Did you have a supper laden with cream sauce yesterday?  If so, don't eat that again today.  Make something today that is less fattening.  Did you eat a huge dessert after supper?  Don't eat it again at bedtime - grab something smaller.  Try to make it healthy.
• You NEED sugar (healthy sugars preferably, but not artificial sweetners).  If you are happy with the taste of other sweetners, use them.  If not, use real sugar, but use it sparingly.  If you LOVE a heaping teaspoon of sugar in your coffee each morning, put it in.
• You NEED sodium in your body to process many things.  If you like to salt things, use lower sodium soups, etc.  If you don't, use the regular and enjoy.
• You NEED riboflavin, thiamin, folic acid, vitamin D... these are found in many wheat and grain products.  If they don't make you feel ill, eat them in moderation.  Try to avoid yeast doughs when possible - like wraps and tortillas.  Use paste sparingly, and try to use whole wheat.  When all else fails, just make a box of KD.  It is COMPLETELY okay.
• Everything seems to be a carcinogen.  Don't smoke.  It's one of the few things that is PROVEN to cause cancer.  If it isn't proven, perhaps don't sweat it.  The truth: we are all going to die, and it probably won't be from eating bread.
• Enjoy some sweets.  Or salty things.  Or greasy things.  Sometimes.  It's good to treat yourself to the things you crave.  If you don't, something somewhere is going to crash and burn.  It is not a failure to like foods that taste awesome.  Just don't do it all the time.  Moderation.
• Exercise.  Don't change your life to do it if you don't want to.  Don't force yourself to be a morning person if you aren't one.  That's not fun.  But why not run up the steps instead of walk.  Run out to the road to take out garbage instead of walk (or don't drive it, like I've seen some people do).  Play tag with your kids for 10 minutes.  Do jumping jacks while you wait for the water to boil.  Dance like you are drunken fool.  These get your heart rate up. They count.
• Be kind to yourself.  Don't stress out about what everyone else and their dog are up to.  You need to be healthy in your mind too.  If you are free in your mind, you will be free in your body.

I truly hope that this inspires you to be intentional about what goes in, but not militant or stressed about it.  I truly, truly believe that by living by these rules we can all be very healthy people.  There are lots more things to be said for certain diet changes, etc.  I just don't think that it works to make huge cuts into your regular eating patterns.  You can eat as often as you like - just be smart about it, and don't overeat.  Your body is often full about 5-10 minutes before you actually FEEL full.  Try to eat slower, take breaks to let your body adjust.  Over and out, and happy eating, snacking, drinking, and so on.

New Year 2013

I don't really like resolutions... maybe because I always screw them up right away!  But I do think that starting a new year is a great time to reflect on the last year, and put some things into perspective to change or improve on for the next year.

I have to admit that though there was a lot of great things in this past year, I felt as I looked back on it that there was an overshadowing darkness on the last year.  I won't get into all the deepest, darkest aspects of it - but I just don't like how the last year went.  Some of it was parenting mistakes, friendship mistakes, marital mistakes, financial mistakes, and in general, and continuing mistake of forgetting to go to God first with EVERYTHING and leaning always on MY OWN strength.  I spent a lot of time in 2012 feeling unhappy, depressed, sad, lonely, and often floundering in doubt about what to do.  I want to turn that around for 2013.
Something we've been needing in our household for years, but even moreso now after building our house is a BUDGET.  I found a free program I could download online called "YNAB", which stands for You Need A Budget.  It gives us a place to put in all our monthly spending and what we'd like to budget for that.  Then we can put in our actual spending, and adjust the budget as we need to.  I am really hoping that this will help keep me more financially disciplined, and thus create a happier home and marriage environment.
I also really, REALLY want to learn to slow down.  I already came pretty far with that in 2012, but I want to take it farther yet.  I have little ones in my care who need my attention so much more than my Facebook status does, or the dishes.  Sometimes this means that something else has to take a backseat - like my desire to cook better meals, and be more available to people who need help.  I find it can be hard to balance all the things I want to be, and want to help with, but I need RIGHT NOW to be a good mommy.  Sometimes that means that things that I feel are priority are going to have to wait.  There will be a time for those things, this is not it.  I want to spend less time getting frustrated and angry with the kids, and try to look for positive ways to guide them and mold them.  I want to spend more time teaching them about Jesus.  I just want to be available to them.
I still do want to cook and eat better, even though sometimes that is the thing I have to sacrifice for the sake of time with the kids.  I can't do it all, and that is the area that I find it easiest to slack off.  I have gotten better - and there is some blame on the kids and my husband for being picky, which makes this a whole lot harder.  In general though I am trying to eat better for myself personally.  I can feel it when I start to slip.
But even above the importance of all these things in learning to rely on God.  Why, oh why, does this have to be an almost daily decision?  It is the first thing I let go, and I don't know why!  It is so easy to run to the phone, to my computer, to my mom, anything and anyone before running to GOD.  I need constant reminders to not do that! 
So that is my little blog post for today.  I do miss blogging every now and then, and yet it is still proving to be good for me to not be on it so much.