Surreal

This pregnancy feels so much more surreal to me than my pregnancy with James. I don't know if it's still the way my subconscious mind is trying to protect me from believing that we will actually have a live baby in our arms in a few short weeks. When I think about holding a little tiny babe in my arms, it just doesn't seem real! It just doesn't feel like it's really going to come to pass! Have you ever had that, where you plan an event, or a trip and when you try to imagine yourself there, you just can't? It just doesn't seem possible? That's how I feel. Even though I am VERY aware of baby's existence (I got a lot of stares in the mall today, some sympathetic, some in shock, some with smiles of knowing), and looking and feeling extremely pregnant, I can't believe a baby is there. Can you believe it? There is a sweet baby in there, just waiting to come out and meet us and be in our arms. I will have another love of my life to hold, to kiss, to nurture, to cherish, to lavish with love. My body will grow a "second heart", and I will somehow have the capacity to love another little one as I love my James. Hard to imagine loving two like that - James is our universe.
I don't know if I can entirely blame hormones, but this has been an emotional time for me. It's hard to put into words why it is so emotional. Perhaps because I know how close I am to holding in my arms a true miracle, and how I want so badly for this baby's life to be a testament to others of the grace, and true nature of the God I love. Perhaps it's because I pleaded to God for this baby's life, and to look into that face will be like looking into the face of Christ. Perhaps because of the many promises I made to my Lord and Saviour if only He would allow me to carry this baby. In any case, I have shed many tears over my children. Some tears of joy for their existence, and some tears of fear that I might fail them. My biggest hope is that my children sense and see in me a true relationship with Jesus. Not just a show, and not just a Sunday faith. I want them to see me in fellowship and relationship with Jesus every day, in all parts of my day. I want them to know Jesus because they see how I know Him. This is my prayer.
I can hardly believe that only 20 days are left until I see my precious baby. My arms long to hold this child so badly - the pain and waiting, the wondering and the praying, the tears and the joy - all worth that moment of being handed a new little bundle of blessings. I feel so incredibly blessed.
Baby Banana still has no name picked yet. This has been a bit of a struggle, as Ryan and I have very different tastes in names. Yes, we agreed on James' name, but this time around it seems like it's been harder to narrow it down. Truth be told, I really have only one name that I like and want - and in my mind I am often calling baby this name already! To me the name has deep meaning, and I love it. Hopefully we'll come to an agreement soon. Baby could be here any day!
I haven't take any new pics lately - it's been busy around here! Maybe tomorrow I can hire my sister-in-law to be my personal photographer and get some new ones taken.

Twenty Months Pregnant

Yes, that's right - twenty months pregnant. When this whole journey to a second child began, it was Christmas of 2007. Hard to imagine, isn't it? I was pregnant in December of 2007, and we lost that baby in January of 2008. I got pregnant again in June of 2008, but all of the months between January and June were potentially "pregnant" months for me - and I did things as though I could be pregnant. In August 2008 was the last miscarriage, and from August to December was the same thing. I lived each month as though I could be pregnant - avoiding vigorous physical activity, lifting heavy objects, avoiding most medications and alcohol, etc. Finally, in January of this year we knew that we were pregnant again. And as you all know, it's going well - and I am now entering month 9 of this pregnancy. PRAISE GOD! It's been a twenty month journey to get here... twenty months of being pregnant, then not being pregnant, and then the waiting in between. What a crazy rollercoaster! But no matter where I've been on that rollercoaster, I've sensed God's nearness to me. I am so very thankful for that. I am so very thankful to be where I am. I am so very, very thankful.

Lots to Say, Little to Say

I feel like I have a hundred things going through my mind these days - and yet I lack creativity and ambition to blog about it all.

The main thing is that James' room is pretty much done. The only detail left is that there is still a little bit of stuff stored in his closet that we need to go through, and the rug needs to be installed in his hideout. Otherwise, he is moved in. He had his first night in the big boy bed last night. I think it would have gone totally smooth, except that two people yesterday said to him that "baby is going to have your crib". We had been avoiding saying anything like that to him - just simply trying to make the big boy room and bed a big exciting adventure. I think that effected him, because at bedtime he wanted to go into his crib. After encouraging him, and telling him he would be a big boy now like his friends Emery and Levi (both 4) he was feeling better about it. I had to rub his back for a long time, but eventually he fell asleep. He had no trouble napping in his bed today at all. Tonight he went to bed a lot easier, and I only had to go in to remind him to be quiet - which was not indifferent to when he was in his crib! I am so proud of him, and it gives me a lot more peace-of-mind now that he seems to be mostly content in the new room.

In pregnancy updates, well... let's just say the end is nearing! I feel good, but at the same time I also am feeling beat too. Second pregnancies are very different! I feel today where I felt probably in my last week of (overdue) pregnancy with James. The joints are very loose, and give me a lot of discomfort. I'm not sleeping much at all, and blah, blah, blah... it's nearing the end, that's all I can say. I can't WAIT to meet our new little person!!! I'm SO excited about that! Ryan and I have not chosen an official name yet. I have MY name decided on, but we haven't had the official talk yet. We'll see what happens. Last night I had a dream about a name... one I had never thought of, and I don't know if it's relevant. Who knows!?

I also need some nursing bra advice. I have what might be called a "larger" chest than some, and need a really good supportive bra, with thick straps and preferably without underwire. Does anyone have a nursing bra they'd recommend? I used a Wonderbra one last time (with James), but they are too big now - so I am actually a little smaller than before. So I need to invest in some new ones.