That's A First!

Tonight we are in a motel in Summerland, BC. It is one of our last nights on our vacation. James went to bed a little late, and seemed a little wired when he went down. After quite some time, we heard him making noises in his room. I stuck my head in, and it was quiet - but then up popped his head from the playpen. Then he said, "There's no monsters to scare me". I immediately went into his room and told him that there were no monsters, and that monsters were not real. He didn't believe me, he just kept saying "There are monsters in my room. Monsters are scaring me". Where did this monster thing come up?! Anyway, we prayed that Jesus would help James to be brave, and that He would come and be with James in his room to protect him. I also explained that mommy and daddy were right outside. He seemed to be better with that, but as I put him down he said one last time "There are no monsters. I'm not scared". So I hope he has a good sleep!

A Day to Remember

Today was the due date of our last miscarried baby. I couldn't forget it, because it was also my niece Emily's tenth birthday today. I woke up to a quiet cabin, everyone still sleeping. I got out of bed, and wandered into the bright living room space and opened up the patio door curtains. Beyond the cabin is the beach, and the ocean, and beyond that is purple mountains (see photo above). This morning it was all lit up with beautiful sunshine, and I think that sight was just God saying to me, "It's going to be alright Heather. Your babies are safe with Me". I felt that peace all day, and enjoyed celebrating Emily's birthday with the family. After lunch, while James napped and Ryan did some work, I went exploring out on the beach. It was so serene, and so quiet - other than the waves hitting the shore, and the seagulls screeching above. I took a lot of photos, which I'm sure I'll get around to posting yet. I took the one below, however, and found that it spoke to me. Somehow it said to me, "You are not alone". I took the shell to keep, to remind me of that moment, and of this day.

A Time to Celebrate (Pregnancy Post)

Today is a day to rejoice and be glad! Some people say that the 2nd trimester begins on week 13, others say that it's more officially week 14. I don't know who is right, but today I am just praising God for the fact that I have entered into the 2nd trimester. I've waited 2 years for this day to come - the day when I could sigh with some relief, and look ahead with a lot of confidence that a baby will be in my arms in September. I was looking at some of Erica's (private blogger) photos on Facebook today of baby Britta. They caught some priceless moments, like her first seconds of life - dad with a huge grin, and mom crying tears of joy and relief. In some ways making it to today gives me those same emotions, and also makes me weep with excitement in knowing that I will be blessed with having that sensational moment of holding our new baby in my arms. Admittedly, I am not censoring my emotions in this post. I need to express how much it means to me to be where I am at today. God gave this day to me as a gift, this baby's life as a testament of His love... I will not let it go unspoken. This was something I promised Him on the night I was pleading for this baby's life. All the glory MUST go to Him, and that is why I am going to unabashedly write today about this very major milestone.

We are leaving soon to spend just over a week in BC with friends and family. Of course, we will be going to visit my new niece Magdelina, as well as my older niece Emily and nephews, Thomas and Simon. While we are there, on Emily's birthday, the due date of our last miscarried baby will pass. I have not nearly forgotten the pain of that loss, and I will miss the fact that he or she was supposed to come into our lives on that day. Passing those "special dates" on the calendar feels very different when you are pregnant, versus not being pregnant. I have felt it happen both ways. The hurt is still there, and the love for that little lost baby is still there. However, HOPE is renewed by the expectation of new life - and that feels wonderful. Thank you SO much for your prayers, your love, your thoughts, your emails, your comments, your gifts, your friendship and caring. You all hold a special place in my heart, as by reading this blog you know the very depths of my thoughts and feelings. God bless you! And now some photos...

Shovelling with daddy on a nice warm afternoon.

James and all his "friends".

Fashion styling by James.

Maybe I Am Too Nice

Saying it like that sort of makes it sound like I'm an angel, and I am certainly not. Perhaps a better explanation is that I just don't feel comfortable confronting people. I fear people being angry at me, I fear criticism, and I absolutely can't handle making someone feel badly about themselves. This is actually quite different from being "too nice", but it does sort of give the appearance of niceness. I just don't like confrontation, fighting, hurting, and sadness. What does happen in return however is that my hurt feelings turn into resentment, and bottled anger. When all of this bubbles over, someone (usually my husband) gets blasted with months of pent-up feelings. Not good.

So I've been trying to work at being more "unkind" and confrontational. This is no easy task, and I have little to no success. I just can't do it. I can't make people feel bad - no matter HOW much they hurt me, I can't tell them. I get afraid that I will lose their friendship, they'll get mad at me and start spewing out at me all of MY faults (of which are gazillions), or something unknown that might be worse. In my world, all things should be lollipops and rainbows.

Anyway, today I had a very small breakthrough. Some of you will laugh at how mediocre this is, but really, it was therapeutic for me. I was in charge of our church Toddler Time today. Basically that just means I watch all the toddlers play in the special "Toddler Time" room in the church basement. Today there were four kids. Two girls, James, and another old boy whom I will call "Jim". I think Jim is probably about 4 years old. Jim was bored, and I don't blame him. The toys are actually almost kind of lame for even James. However, Jim decided that he was going to cure his boredom by kicking said lame toys around the room. Unacceptable - however, I even noticed that I had a hard time confronting HIM! But eventually his lack of obedience was enough to make me feel very unguilty for asking him to settle down. Over and over again, he would take short breaks from being distruptive and then start kicking toys, or trying to escape. I threatened a few times to take him back to his parents, which usually resulted in short bursts of obedience. At the end of the service, his mom came to get him and I overheard her asking him if he had a good time. I felt she needed to know. We can't correct our kids if we don't know what they are doing wrong, right? But I was scared to make her feel like she wasn't doing a good job with her son. I was also worried because very recently someone close to me got BLASTED for letting someone know that their kid needed help. So... I was not sure what to do. I decided that I better get proactive, and on the bright side, this woman wasn't a close friend so if she was mad it didn't really matter. I went up to her and said, "You know, Jim had a hard time listening in Toddler Time today. He was kicking toys, and it would be nice if he wouldn't do that again next time". The mom assured me that he would be reprimanded about it at home, and that it would hopefully not happen again. She then THANKED me for telling her, and mentioned how it helps to know how he is misbehaving so she can correct it. I felt good about that part. I felt bad knowing that Jim would get in trouble because I "told" on him! So I still have work to do, but at least I made some progress.

The Miraculous Sound of Life

This is definately one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard!

Thank you SO much Lord! You are worthy to be praised!

Sensitivity

Anybody who knows me, or reads my blog, knows very well how much my heart aches for women who struggle with infertility, pregnancy loss and adoption failure. It's women like these who are on my mind constantly, and who I devote the most of my prayer life to. Many of my closest, and best friends have walked through (and are still walking through) these kinds of hurts. I would never intentionally hurt or be insensitive to anyone who has experienced these things.

It's impossible for me to be perfect (trust me, I've tried), and so I apologize if I have ever written anything that has appeared insensitive or hurtful. I would feel horrible if I knew I had done something like that. What hurts more? Never holding a baby in your arms, losing a baby that you carried for only a few weeks, holding a stillborn child in your arms in the hospital, being promised a baby only for the mother to decide to keep it? Unless one of us has experienced every single one of these things, we can NEVER compare. We can NEVER know. All we can know is that each of these situations hurts. It causes an eternal inury to a woman's heart. The hurt is excruciating. But we can never, never know that any of these things is worse than the other. What is the same is this: all of the women in these situations long for a baby.

I have walked in the shoes of the person who is envious and finds pain in watching and hearing of other pregnant women. How many times I have been out in public, loathing every pregnant woman who passes me, secretly judging her and wondering why SHE is worthy and I am NOT? I have definately been there, and sometimes... I still am.

It is for this reason that I need to know from here on forward how this particularly special group of women would like me to post about my current pregnancy. Yes, I have walked a painful road, but I still want and need to be sensitive to those who are still in some of their most hurting moments. Should I limit my posts about it? Should I keep from posting pictures? Should I title each post related to my pregnancy as "Pregnancy Update" so that you always know what it is about beforehand, and can either skip it, or prepare yourself? How much can I post about my feelings and my excitement? I really would appreciate some feedback about this. I definately don't want my blog to be a source of discouragement or cause anyone to feel salt in their already throbbing wound. Thanks everyone! I look forward to your comments.

A New Niece

I am so excited and proud to be an auntie for the fourth time to a new niece!

MAGDALINA RUTH PLETT

was born this morning, weighing 8lbs 6oz.

Congrats Steve, Ang, Emily, Thomas and Simon!

We love you, and can't wait to meet her in a month.