Let's start here...
BFP - May 13, 2013
We are expecting baby Plett No.3 to grace our home, fill our arms and our hearts, and likely complete our little family around January 20, 2014. We had been loosely "trying" for a while, and took a little break before Christmas so that I wouldn't be in the throws of early pregnancy while on our vacation. We began again while we were out there, but not too seriously. After a few months without success, I started to take a supplement called Fertilaid. I noticed a change in my first cycle after that, and sure enough... I was pregnant that month!
But the story never ends there for me. There is this beautiful moment of joy and excitement, and then the crashing realization that I'm in love with this little baby... and I don't know if I get to keep him or her. The fear and heartache of knowing that truth, knowing the fragility of life that I hold inside me, is painful.
That night, after seeing those lovely double lines on the pregnancy test I just fell in prayer before God. I thought about entering into His throne room, with bright white stairs leading up to a glowing light that is God on His throne. I was barefoot, and I fell on my face, and just begged God to tell me, "Will I get to meet this baby? I need to know!". At that moment, Jesus entered the room, and sat on the stairs. He looked over to his right, and beckoned for someone to come to Him. My four beautiful, perfect angel babies ran to Jesus, and sat on His lap. They were... perfect. I think it was three boys, and one girl - a little girl with blonde curls like her sister Rayya. They were smiling, and so happy! They looked at me, and they said, "We asked Jesus if you could keep this baby. And He said..." and they all said together, "... and He said 'Yes'!". Then they all ran to me, and hugged me, and said, "We love you mom! We love you, and dad, and James and Rayya!". And then they ran off again... and I opened my eyes in the darkness of my bedroom, and wept, and wept, and wept. It was the most comforting moment I can ever remember. The fact that my miscarried babies came to talk to me was confirmation that this was in fact God speaking to me - because I was not even thinking about them at the time, and it was so profound to have them be the ones to give me that news.
But my faith still waivered. I couldn't stop worrying. I kept wondering if it was all going to abruptly end. I didn't even want to tell people I was pregnant, because in so many ways it has felt redundant, and guarded, and covered with "if everything goes well" or "as long as this baby sticks" or "we'll keep you updated if anything changes". I can never just say, "Yay! I'm pregnant! Let's celebrate!".
I tried to have some tests done by my doctor, but she denied me. I ended up called my Obstetrician, who was happy to run an HcG beta test for me. It is a series of blood tests that measure the amount of HcG in my body - which typically doubles ever 48 hours in a healthy pregnancy. I was so nervous.
On the day of the first test, a friend called in the morning and prayed with me. It was such a nice prayer, and she specifically asked God to hold our baby in His hands. While driving to Morris that morning, I saw this in the sky...
Do you see it? It's the hand of God, reaching down out of Heaven. The cloud had changed somewhat from the initial moment I saw it, but in the crook of the hand (near the "thumb") was a shape just right to be the size of a 7 week baby, which is what our baby would have been at that time. It was a stunning sign.
But my faith still waivered. Eventually my test results came back, and they were "perfect". However, I am just a little too educated to feel 100% at peace. I knew that a blighted ovum (which is what I had with my last miscarriage before Rayya was born), could mimic a healthy pregnancy, and even result in "perfect" HcG beta results. I was not convinced that everything was okay yet. I needed to hear that baby's heart.
Feeling foolish not to have enough faith to let it go, I booked an ultrasound at Babymoon anyway. I just felt that seeing and hearing baby's heart would be the thing that would help to put all my fears at ease. It didn't matter that I was feeling exhausted, extremely nauseous, bloated, etc. I was taking a progesterone supplement that could easily give me all of those symptoms, and even some of my miscarried pregnancies came with all the usual signs.
The morning of June 19th, the day of the ultrasound appointment, my friend Rebekah called to pray with me before my appointment. She lead me through some listening prayer - imagining Jesus in the ultrasound room, and what He was saying, or doing. I envisioned Him standing next to the bed, smiling. Rebekah asked Jesus to tell me what He would want me to know in that moment, and I clearly and immediately heard, "Do not be afraid". She then asked Him what He would give to me in return for my obedience, and handing over this burden to Him. Initially I saw nothing, but then I saw Jesus in front of me, smiling, and handing me a baby wrapped up in a blanket (I think the blanket was blue, if that means anything!).
I picked up James early from school and took him and Rayya to meet Ryan at Babymoon. I felt complete peace. I was not afraid. I was excited! Only a few seconds into the ultrasound and we saw a little first glimpse of "Baby Kiwi". The kids were so excited, and I was just in awe! We saw and heard it's heart, and perfect 180 bpm.
Here is baby...
Everything is continuing to go well. I have rented a fetal doppler for two months, because I still get attacked and worry that the baby has died. However, I have never miscarried a baby later than 9 weeks, so I am quite certain this little one is going to stick around! This is my first pregnancy that was not preceded by a miscarriage, and I am SO thankful to God for blessing me with that experience! I should not be surprised. Prior to conceiving Rayya, I asked for healing prayer from my pastor and elders in my church. I was annointed with oil and prayed over for healing of my womb. I conceived Rayya shortly after that, and I do not think I should be surprised that God would COMPLETELY heal me - and not just for one pregnancy, but for every pregnancy that would follow!
What a loving, powerful God we serve! Thank you Jesus for this baby! I promise you that he or she will forever know how much they are loved by You!
