To be honest, it's been hard to look at it as a learning experience. The more raw feeling I have is that my spirit is crushed. I haven't had that feeling in years. I was in SUCH a good place in my life. I felt confident, and was gaining confidence each day in just resting in God's arms, and trusting that He would guide me to be the mother, wife and friend I was supposed to be. I was spending less time comparing myself and my abilities to others. I felt really in tune with God. I felt genuine happiness.
And then it all got stripped away by a few comments and emails.
Where I thought I was being gentle, helpful, caring, considerate... I was told I was brash, insensitive, mean, and way out of line. Where I thought I was helping, sympathizing, offering, complimenting... I was told (very nicely really) that I was overwhelming, not needed, not wanted, overstepping boundaries, getting in the way. I was literally crushed. Everything that I thought I was, who I was, what I am GOOD at, just crumbled and fell.
I can't find my footing again. I feel like a fish out of water. Who am I? Am I even a good person? What do people really think about me? What do they say about me when I'm not there? What if all along I thought I was really a good person, that people thought well of, but I actually was not?
It's hard to go out. I feel like people look at me different. I know that small town tongues wag a lot, and I'm convinced that few people like me anymore. I am convinced that they no longer see the heart of my actions, and the genuine love and care that I want to have when I speak.
We even wrote out encouragements to each other at our mom's group this week. I read each one on the sheet, and usually I just feel rejuvenated. This time I just felt like the words were empty. I read them, and I either felt that I wasn't what those words said, or that they just didn't say enough to repair the holes I feel in my heart right now.
Everything and everyone feels distant. I've tried praying, and it just doesn't feel good they way it used to. I've called out to God to take away the lies - but those words keep stinging, and because they haven't gone away I feel like maybe they weren't lies. Maybe they were the truth. Maybe God wanted me to get stripped down to this place. But does He really want me to feel like... this?
I want to blame hormones, vitamin deficiency, stress. These things contribute, for sure. But in reality I know that something bigger is happening in my soul - and I just don't know if it's good or bad, or who or what is making me feel this way. This is not a good feeling. This is not a good place to be.
Why can't I just shake this off?! I've done it before! Words that smart... all I've had to do is think, "My best friends don't think of me like that. My mom doesn't think of me like that". I've told a small number of people what has happened, and they've supported my actions. Yet I still feel like I did the wrong thing, and that it will never feel the same again. Perhaps I should move away. Go somewhere where no one knows me, or what I said, or what I did, and then they'll like me.
And really I didn't think I did anything serious - so why such a big blow? Why is this recovery taking so much time? I should just be able to bounce back, and be me again.
The truth... I don't like me now. Ouch. That hurts to say a loud in my head, and type out with the keys. I don't like the extroverted me, the over-the-top caring me, the dramatic me, the brave me, the me who truly puts my heart out there for EVERYONE that I love and often get stung for doing so.
I want to be the quiet, introverted, sweet, gentle, meek, mild me. And maybe I will be now. But it's hard to fight off the real me. It's hard to be someone I really am not. So I know that the real me is going to come back, and if I wouldn't be fighting it - I would be back already.
Sorry such a depressing post. Just needed to vent how I feel today.
