It fills me with righteous anger when you question me about my beliefs, asking me to be open-minded, and not to be a "bible thumping fundie" who passes out judgement. How dare you ask me to do that for you, but not in any way allow me that same respect in return. I gently answer your sarcastic questions with the truth, and you turn around and call me a dreamer with an overactive sense of imagination. You accuse me of going to church so that I can learn to be good to get a reward, as though I'm a dog. You tell me that it's because of religion that the world is in turmoil and war, and yet while I answer you with nothing but kindness, you are the one who answers me back in wrath and revengeful spitfire.
You seem to think that I always believed, always knew there was a God. But I didn't.
I was one of those lost sheep. I was one of those who lived in darkness. I was condemned. I was full of sin. I lived my own life, my own way. The only difference was that I thought I was a believer. I was pretending. I think that made it worse.
I grew up my whole life living "right", until I hit my teens. I wanted answers, but none of them really satisfied my curiousity. I dabbled in a life that seemed more fitting to me. Thankfully I wasn't one for alcohol or drugs, so I mostly steered clear of those indulgences. No, for me it was boys. It is still hard, even on this private blog to tell you all the things that I did. It's embarassing, dirty, and really that kind of laundry just doesn't need to come out. I was filling a void. A huge void. It was the void in my heart that longed to be loved for who I am. To be loved, cherished, and to have value in someone elses' eyes. I did that for a long time, and it was painful - oh, so painful.
When I graduated high school I thought I could take cover from that lifestyle by going to Bible College. There I would be only surrounded by Christian friends, and the boys would be responsible and pure and wouldn't look at me "like that". But I was wrong. Even at Bible College there are hormones, temptations, sin and sinners. I turned down the advances of boys who didn't seem to notice my body. A boy I loved and would have married broke up with me because I was constantly pushing him too far physically. It was the boys who seemed to notice my body first that caught my eye. Before long I was in the same kind of trouble I was before. I came home from Bible College with more knowledge, but totally empty.
My sexual sins followed me home, and started up a few short months after I came home. This is where it gets tricky to keep my secrets totally hidden. I lived that life for a few years until finally I married Ryan, and the night of our wedding a burden so huge was finally lifted off my shoulders. I could finally do what I wanted to do without the guilt.
Throughout this entire time in my life I went to church. Was a camp counsellor. Called myself a Christian. But in the middle of the night, when no one was looking, I would sit in a closet at the end of our dorm hallway and cry. Pretending is exhausting.
Years later, Ryan and I attended his mom's church in Winnipeg. The pastor was so good, and was talking about how God does not need us to attain a certain level of faith before He accepts us. Though I had heard this same sermon many times before in different ways, it was like a whole new concept had been presented to me. He said that we could imagine ourselves to be on a staircase, with Heaven being the goal to reach at the top. No matter where we are on the stairs, we get to go to Heaven in the end. And no matter where we are on the stairs, God is always on the next stair - reaching out His hand for us to grasp, helping us get closer to Him. But NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE ON THOSE STAIRS, we are headed for Heaven. I don't need to get to a certain one to qualify. There is no route marker that reads, "Here you are! You are good enough!". I am good enough no matter where I am at. The key: I just have to believe.
THAT was the moment I became a believer. THAT was the moment I saw how I could have a relationship with God. THAT was the moment that changed my life. You DO change when the Holy Spirit enters your life. I have never been the same person again. THAT was a true rebirth.
A few years after that I got re-baptized upon the confession of my FAITH. I had been baptized as a teenager upon the confession... of not wanting to disappoint my parents when all the other kids were doing it. I got to give my testimony for GOD, and not myself.
Now I live for God. I struggle, I fail, I fall, I falter. I sin, I lie, I make huge mistakes. I don't read the Bible enough, pray enough, praise enough. But I believe. I believe with all my heart, soul and mind.
So don't you dare try to convince me that life on the other side of the fence is better. I was there. The grass looked greener, but it tasted like crap. And don't try to convince me that being on the fence is okay - Satan owns the fence too.
Sincerely, with all my hopes and prayers,
Heather
