Modesty seems to be pretty hot, or should I say "going viral", on the internet these days. Even among Christians that I've seen posting articles and commenting on things online I see that there is a great divide among us when it comes to all things modest. I have a very strong view about it, and so with the utmost respect to all those who will not see eye-to-eye with me on this one - please do not post angry comments. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm just gonna write my opinion down here.
I've been feeling HUGELY convicted when it comes to modesty, and that comes from someone who has always felt really strongly about it!
God is calling to me to see the importance of my attire, how it looks to others, and how I want to be perceived by the world, my husband, my kids, my kid's friends, my friends, my friend's husbands... the list goes on. Right off the hop I will say this - I understand that we are not all convicted of the same things at the same time. I will not judge you if I see you in a bikini, nor will I judge your daughter if I happen to see her in shorts that barely cover her rear.
When I was in Bible College in 1999-2000, one of the guys from our brother dorm came to talk to us about modesty. I took some of what he said to heart, but at that time, and at that level of immaturity (both physically, and spiritually) I thought he was being pretty dramatic. I remember thinking, "Wow, this guy needs to get a grip and figure out his OWN problems!". How seriously selfish, inconsiderate, and very UN-CHRIST-LIKE was that attitude?!
He was a guy who had struggled with pornography, lust and other sinful desires in his life. He openly confessed to us many of the things that he had seen and done, and how that had affected him. He also gave us a long list of things that women do that provoke men to lustful thoughts - and they were A LOT tamer than I would have guessed. To name a few things that he mentioned as being the TOP reasons women cause men to lust: bra straps showing, spaghetti strap tank tops and dresses, bikinis, very short shorts, pierced belly buttons, and cleavage. You might already be mad that I've said "women CAUSE men to lust" because you might be thinking "that is THEIR problem, close your eyes, turn away, get some help". That's what I thought too. But that was then.
Now, as I watch a generation of teens growing up in a world where modesty seems to have been thrown out the window in order to conform, or maybe just to keep the peace, I see what we've lost. I'm seeing the value in something that we are losing more and more each day. Honestly, modesty is an endangered species. Not even Christians want to talk about it - let alone take action.
Today in church I took note of how many women had bra straps showing - IN CHURCH - which was totally NOT allowed when I was growing up, and that was on a regular weekday! Let me just say, it was lots. Little tank tops with cute pink bra straps peeking out. Racerback tanks, layered with another tank top, and more bra straps. Mothers in sundresses with bra straps fully exposed. Did you know that bras used to be considered PRIVATE, unspoken about in public? Why do you think the first thing feminists did was take off their bras and burn them? Because that was considered a seriously private matter for women's eyes only - and for their husbands behind closed doors. Now this one thing I do occassionally bend as a rule - because there are times when a strap will peek out. Personally I've bought some cheap little plastic clips that conceal my straps in nearly all situations. I don't usually wear spaghetti straps, because I'm "voluptuous" and my bra straps aren't cute and pink, so I don't want to show them off to begin with. However, I will be raising my own daughter to keep them hidden as much as possible - with church being a 100% hidden zone. The voluptuous thing is another whole problem, and I intend to work on keeping the "ladies" in their place, and unseen as much as possible.
I don't want my son to think about you in your bra - neither do I want your son thinking about me in mine. Or my daughter, or your daughter, or any women. Guys like bra straps because bra straps are attached to a bra, which holds the... well, you know!
Also in church today was one pair of REALLY short shorts. I don't really like them in public much either, but at least in those situations I can have grace. I actually like my legs - one of the few parts of my body I really like - so I do wear shorts. But they have to entirely cover my butt - even if I need to bend down! But seeing them in church... I don't know. I think in the house of God, our Creator, we could do better.
Moreover, I don't really want to get into all the different ways that I think the modesty line has been crossed. I just want us Christian women to consider our role to the men we encounter day-to-day. I want you to know that I respect you, your husband, brother, son enough to cover up so I don't cause him to stumble. I want us to remember that all the reasons we might have to flaunt our stuff always comes down to a selfish desire. When reading comments on a Christian woman's blog post about bikinis, all I could think about as I read them was that no one, and no where, was there any good way to make an argument for the wearing of a bikini (or any immodest dress for that matter) that could be backed up Scripturally. You just can't. There is nothing in the Bible that will advocate for the showing off of one's body. Now, that being said, I don't wear a bikini. The initial decision had nothing to do with modesty - but rather the knowledge that my post-baby belly just really isn't that good looking to most of the public! So perhaps it's easy for me to slam bikini wearing. Maybe I'd be spouting off about guys needing to get it together too, if I had a six pack. I'm not really sure.
What I do know is that I'm going to be practicing modesty, and teaching it to my kids. I want to encourage you to do the same. I'm asking you to think about this for the sake of my son, for my daughter, and for all those men out there who need our help.
Proverbs 11:22 ESV
Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.
1 Peter 3:3-4 ESV
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
1 Timothy 2:8-10 ESVI desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling; likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.
1 John 2:16 ESVFor all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.
Alright... I'm clicking "Publish". Hope I won't be sorry I did!
Monday, July 30
Wednesday, July 18
Don't Rock the Boat
As a person who deals with a constant battle against anxiety and stress I have long-since learned not to rock the boat. For example, if the routine works, don't change it. If the meal rotation works, don't tweak it. If the daily schedule works, don't mess with it. If the kids are on the brink of melt down, don't put them into an unpredictable situation and watch the mess unfold.
So today was smoothly sailing along. I made a last-minute decision to head out to a pool with some friends for the day. My anxiety threatened the plan, but I decided (with some prayer) that I was not going to let my anxiety rule me today. It was a good choice. The kids had a blast all day, and did fantastic.
When we got home the kids had some down time while I made supper. They devoured the pizza like it was the first thing they had eaten in weeks! It was time to discuss with James whether or not he was still interested in heading out to VBS. His dear friend that he had spent the day with at the pool, and whom he sees very rarely had invited him. Knowing that they are not in the same age group, I sort of assumed that the switch would not be a big deal, and he would seamlessly be allowed to join another class despite his age.
WRONG.
Now for a quick interlude. I KNEW this was a mistake. We had spent all day at the pool, and though the chaos of that went unnoticed, I know that deep down inside it affects James. Now throw this over sensitive, over tired, over heating child back into chaos for a second time - and he just can't cope.
We walk over the arena (should have driven, just to give him a few more minuted of air conditioned space), and into the reception line where things are bustling. When I go to register James, and request the class he would like, we were somewhat harshly asked to step aside while the pre-registered kids were ushered in. At the same time, the comment "Oh, I really don't think that will work" is made - and that is the moment when James lost his cool. It's the moment I dread, because recovery is slim-to-none at that point. He started to sob, because all he wanted was to be with his friend. Not only was his sadness heart-breaking, but inside my heart was breaking, because in those situations I don't know what to say or do. I want to say, "Hey, look. James has a condition that makes this little bump in the road seem like a mountain. He is already hot, over tired, and just plain frustrated with all this commotion. If he would just simply be allowed to be with his friend, there is a great chance he will actually stay, and have a great time." But I freeze up, politely push over to the side, and do my best to make James feel okay even though he feels miles from it.
I knew it was a done deal, but I tried to wait around long enough to make sure he had a sufficient chance to change his mind and stay. I let him make the choice, and in the end, despite being allowed into his friend's class, he just wanted to go home.
I'm totally fine with his choice, because I saw the situation unfold before it even happened. I know that some people will think he is just a spoiled child who didn't get to have his way. I needed to give James the opportunity to try going to VBS tonight, but on the other hand, I feel guilt for seeing him get hurt and knowing that it was bound to happen. He can't learn to cope if I don't put him in situations that are unpredictable, and yet no matter what, when my little boy is hurting, my heart is shattering.
So today was smoothly sailing along. I made a last-minute decision to head out to a pool with some friends for the day. My anxiety threatened the plan, but I decided (with some prayer) that I was not going to let my anxiety rule me today. It was a good choice. The kids had a blast all day, and did fantastic.
When we got home the kids had some down time while I made supper. They devoured the pizza like it was the first thing they had eaten in weeks! It was time to discuss with James whether or not he was still interested in heading out to VBS. His dear friend that he had spent the day with at the pool, and whom he sees very rarely had invited him. Knowing that they are not in the same age group, I sort of assumed that the switch would not be a big deal, and he would seamlessly be allowed to join another class despite his age.
WRONG.
Now for a quick interlude. I KNEW this was a mistake. We had spent all day at the pool, and though the chaos of that went unnoticed, I know that deep down inside it affects James. Now throw this over sensitive, over tired, over heating child back into chaos for a second time - and he just can't cope.
We walk over the arena (should have driven, just to give him a few more minuted of air conditioned space), and into the reception line where things are bustling. When I go to register James, and request the class he would like, we were somewhat harshly asked to step aside while the pre-registered kids were ushered in. At the same time, the comment "Oh, I really don't think that will work" is made - and that is the moment when James lost his cool. It's the moment I dread, because recovery is slim-to-none at that point. He started to sob, because all he wanted was to be with his friend. Not only was his sadness heart-breaking, but inside my heart was breaking, because in those situations I don't know what to say or do. I want to say, "Hey, look. James has a condition that makes this little bump in the road seem like a mountain. He is already hot, over tired, and just plain frustrated with all this commotion. If he would just simply be allowed to be with his friend, there is a great chance he will actually stay, and have a great time." But I freeze up, politely push over to the side, and do my best to make James feel okay even though he feels miles from it.
I knew it was a done deal, but I tried to wait around long enough to make sure he had a sufficient chance to change his mind and stay. I let him make the choice, and in the end, despite being allowed into his friend's class, he just wanted to go home.
I'm totally fine with his choice, because I saw the situation unfold before it even happened. I know that some people will think he is just a spoiled child who didn't get to have his way. I needed to give James the opportunity to try going to VBS tonight, but on the other hand, I feel guilt for seeing him get hurt and knowing that it was bound to happen. He can't learn to cope if I don't put him in situations that are unpredictable, and yet no matter what, when my little boy is hurting, my heart is shattering.
Monday, July 2
SPD
Very, very few people are aware that James has something called SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). We've never made it public, because for the longest time, we didn't even know that he had it, or that it existed as a disorder. Once we found out about it, we also knew that he didn't have it in a severe form, so we didn't really know if it would ever effect his life much. Also, we were not big fans of the idea of labelling him, or having a Dr. say that the best way to treat him would be drugs, or something crazy like that. We just wanted him to be James, and that's it.
To put it in an easy-to-understand way, James is extremely sensitive to all stimuli (sight, sound, taste, touch, etc.). Most people sense hundreds of different things in a day, and even moment to moment you can be experiencing various stimuli - but to someone who processes these stimuli normally, it doesn't effect you. If you have SPD, you can only process a small number of stimuli at a time - and all other stimuli around you may make you feel uncomfortable, stressed, unhappy, irritable, unfocused, or sometimes the total opposite.
In children, SPD often looks like hyperactivity, unable to listen, unable to calm down, oversensitive, picky, and sometimes uber-focused on something of high stimulant value like TV. Basically it makes a child look like they are completely misbehaved, if things are left uncontrolled.
I'll give you an example. We can be driving to Winnipeg, and all can appear to be normal to the rest of us, but suddenly James will start crying and be almost inconsolable. I have to assess what seems normal to me can be perplexing for him. When he was younger it was harder, because he couldn't explain to me what was bothering him. Now he can better explain, so often it doesn't escalate into the crying and hysteria. But let me continue. To me, the temperature of the car might be fine. If James is sitting in the sun, to him it might feel like he's burning up. To me, the song I like and turned up a little might sound good, to James it might sound like a jet engine roaring in his ears. To me, I might think I can wait 30 minutes before getting a drink at home, but to James his mouth may feel so dry that he coughs and gags. To me, it's just the smell of a pig barn, to James it's like someone just put piggy poo directly in his nose. All these things might be happening to me, and I won't notice even one of them because my brain processes what is going on, and compensates. To James, all these things are happening at one time, his brain has no clue why they are happening, and he can't calm down until everything has been put into place.
This is very, very similar to Asperger's or autism, but not as severe. James can and will learn to cope - and already has improved a lot. As he grows, he will continue to learn to cope and understand more of himself. He will learn when he needs "sensory breaks" - a time to get away from something, or a situation, causing him stress. A noisy classroom is almost the worst case scenario for someone with SPD. A notch about that for worst is gym class. On a recent field trip I predicted a meltdown when we ended up doing some parachute games. To everyone else, it was fun and exciting. To James there were the following over-stimulants: hot, confined room; noise; swishing colours and flapping parachute; kids running; tired; fluorescent lighting; soft floors. All these things combined was too hard for him to process, and eventually he just came to sit on my lap, cry it out a little, get some water in a cooler part of the building, and then he could refocus.
Another example. You know how it is almost impossible to drive when there is a child SCREAMING in the car? That's like James everyday. LIFE is screaming all around him, and when it gets to be too much, he just breaks down, or he'll just get super over-stimulated and be nearly wild.
So, we decided to have our own little fireworks show last night. Both sets of grandparents came, plus my aunt and uncle. James was totally excited to have all these people around (stimuli #1), so he was nearly bouncing off the walls. It was hot out, but the kids were wearing long sleeves and long pants due to mosquitos - so he was overheating (stimuli #2). The fireworks were bright (stimuli #3), and very loud (stimuli #4). It was late and he was tired (stimuli #5). It didn't surprise me that he felt that he should tune out the noise, so he went to get his industrial ear muffs. My aunt thought that was weird. After a while, James still couldn't deal with all the stuff going on, and asked to go inside - but he blamed the loud fireworks, because he's 5, and he still doesn't realize exactly why those situations bother him. He handled it so well - because asking to leave is a good coping mechanism instead of just crying. So I said he could gladly go in. My aunt just couldn't take it. She starts saying angrily to me, "You HAVE to stop pandering him! Just make him stay and face his fear of noise!". I just looked at her, and then proceeded to let James into the house. I've never told any of my extended family about James' condition.
Anyway, routine, quiet times, keeping things calm and relaxed as much as possible, and eating the same meals in a regular pattern are just a few things that keep life under control at our house. So the next time you are over, or if I can only have playdates last two hours at a time, and you see James reacting to something strange, or if I allow James to do something that seems odd, this may be the reason. We are praying that he will cope well in Grade 1. I have no idea what to expect - as it took until Spring Break for James to properly cope with Kindergarten. He's brilliant, and so kind, and I'm hoping that those around him will see that - and treat him for who he is, James - and not for who he isn't, a child with SPD.
To put it in an easy-to-understand way, James is extremely sensitive to all stimuli (sight, sound, taste, touch, etc.). Most people sense hundreds of different things in a day, and even moment to moment you can be experiencing various stimuli - but to someone who processes these stimuli normally, it doesn't effect you. If you have SPD, you can only process a small number of stimuli at a time - and all other stimuli around you may make you feel uncomfortable, stressed, unhappy, irritable, unfocused, or sometimes the total opposite.
In children, SPD often looks like hyperactivity, unable to listen, unable to calm down, oversensitive, picky, and sometimes uber-focused on something of high stimulant value like TV. Basically it makes a child look like they are completely misbehaved, if things are left uncontrolled.
I'll give you an example. We can be driving to Winnipeg, and all can appear to be normal to the rest of us, but suddenly James will start crying and be almost inconsolable. I have to assess what seems normal to me can be perplexing for him. When he was younger it was harder, because he couldn't explain to me what was bothering him. Now he can better explain, so often it doesn't escalate into the crying and hysteria. But let me continue. To me, the temperature of the car might be fine. If James is sitting in the sun, to him it might feel like he's burning up. To me, the song I like and turned up a little might sound good, to James it might sound like a jet engine roaring in his ears. To me, I might think I can wait 30 minutes before getting a drink at home, but to James his mouth may feel so dry that he coughs and gags. To me, it's just the smell of a pig barn, to James it's like someone just put piggy poo directly in his nose. All these things might be happening to me, and I won't notice even one of them because my brain processes what is going on, and compensates. To James, all these things are happening at one time, his brain has no clue why they are happening, and he can't calm down until everything has been put into place.
This is very, very similar to Asperger's or autism, but not as severe. James can and will learn to cope - and already has improved a lot. As he grows, he will continue to learn to cope and understand more of himself. He will learn when he needs "sensory breaks" - a time to get away from something, or a situation, causing him stress. A noisy classroom is almost the worst case scenario for someone with SPD. A notch about that for worst is gym class. On a recent field trip I predicted a meltdown when we ended up doing some parachute games. To everyone else, it was fun and exciting. To James there were the following over-stimulants: hot, confined room; noise; swishing colours and flapping parachute; kids running; tired; fluorescent lighting; soft floors. All these things combined was too hard for him to process, and eventually he just came to sit on my lap, cry it out a little, get some water in a cooler part of the building, and then he could refocus.
Another example. You know how it is almost impossible to drive when there is a child SCREAMING in the car? That's like James everyday. LIFE is screaming all around him, and when it gets to be too much, he just breaks down, or he'll just get super over-stimulated and be nearly wild.
So, we decided to have our own little fireworks show last night. Both sets of grandparents came, plus my aunt and uncle. James was totally excited to have all these people around (stimuli #1), so he was nearly bouncing off the walls. It was hot out, but the kids were wearing long sleeves and long pants due to mosquitos - so he was overheating (stimuli #2). The fireworks were bright (stimuli #3), and very loud (stimuli #4). It was late and he was tired (stimuli #5). It didn't surprise me that he felt that he should tune out the noise, so he went to get his industrial ear muffs. My aunt thought that was weird. After a while, James still couldn't deal with all the stuff going on, and asked to go inside - but he blamed the loud fireworks, because he's 5, and he still doesn't realize exactly why those situations bother him. He handled it so well - because asking to leave is a good coping mechanism instead of just crying. So I said he could gladly go in. My aunt just couldn't take it. She starts saying angrily to me, "You HAVE to stop pandering him! Just make him stay and face his fear of noise!". I just looked at her, and then proceeded to let James into the house. I've never told any of my extended family about James' condition.
Anyway, routine, quiet times, keeping things calm and relaxed as much as possible, and eating the same meals in a regular pattern are just a few things that keep life under control at our house. So the next time you are over, or if I can only have playdates last two hours at a time, and you see James reacting to something strange, or if I allow James to do something that seems odd, this may be the reason. We are praying that he will cope well in Grade 1. I have no idea what to expect - as it took until Spring Break for James to properly cope with Kindergarten. He's brilliant, and so kind, and I'm hoping that those around him will see that - and treat him for who he is, James - and not for who he isn't, a child with SPD.
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