Four Years

Four years ago today we lost our first baby. Thinking about it four years later still brings me to tears, because I'll never forget how I feared that we would never be able to have children. It's for this reason that my heart aches for all those women who want children, or more children, and can't have them. For a short time in my life, I thought I would be that woman. For whatever reason, that was not the end of the road for our family. I'll never forget how painful it was to travel to Hawaii that year, knowing that I was empty inside. I had anticipated the excitement of sharing with others that I was pregnant. I couldn't go swimming, because I was bleeding - and everytime I noticed it, it would remind me that our baby was gone. Forever. Gone. Four years is a long time, and many good and perfect things have come to us in those years. However, the past pain is still there, deep in my heart. The wondering of why God would allow us to lose our first love, and many other questions still lurk there in the part of my heart where I store the memories of my little lost angel babies. At that time in my life, I bought this diamond cross to remind me of our first baby. I have little tokens like this for each of them. I still wear them with the fond memories of those first exciting weeks of knowing that they had existed inside me. And I thank God that I'll one day meet each one of them...

The End of a Chapter

Today I lost the battle with my nursing problems. I thought I had it all figured out, but even that was not enough to keep me from my nursing demise. Though I am very sad to have to quit, there is a larger part of me that feels relief. I was under a tremedous amount of stress and anxiety - and the last thing I wanted to do was throw myself completely into a depression for the sake of breastfeeding. A mentally stable mother is STILL a better mother.

So it kind of went down like this... Rayya nursed fairly well through Christmas (thank God). I was thinking that perhaps we were going to make it through to that ever-evasive "green pasture" of nursing. But, just like her brother, and at the exact same age, Rayya started to get super fussy at the breast - moreso than ever before. It was becoming increasingly difficult for me to have a letdown. Sometimes it would take more than 5-10 minutes, and that was only if she would stay there that long, and only if she wouldn't scream. Soon, we were missing feeds altogether because there was no letdown, and a screaming baby. My anxiety because of this flew through the roof, and this just worsened the problem.

This weekend I finally tried giving Rayya a bottle of formula. She refused it. I was actually disappointed, because after all I had gone through with James and nursing, I had decided that with this baby I wasn't going to put myself through all that guilt again if I had to put her on formula. Wouldn't you know it - she, being totally opposite from James, who totally gobbled his first bottle - wouldn't take it. This made me feel that I absolutely would have no choice but to keep nursing her. However, she was also refusing to nurse. She would cry before I'd even latch her on - and she wouldn't stick around long enough for a letdown. I was trying everything - I went back onto the herbs, I was manually trying to stimulate a letdown, etc. Of course, my Dr's office was closed for the holidays, so I had no way of getting my hands on any kind of milk-inducing meds (domperidone).

Today I simply could no longer mentally and emotionally handle the constant stress and struggle to try and nurse Rayya. It was a battle every two hours - and even then, she was often not nursing, and we were both in tears. After calling a couple of people that I trust, I decided I would simply have to make a choice, and do it. I took one last bottle into Rayya's room, and prayed, "Lord, if she takes it, I'll quit nursing. If she doesn't take it, I'll keep trying. PLEASE give me peace over either choice!". And guess what?! She took that blasted bottle! A HUGE boulder rolled off my shoulders. She drank without any fuss, and finished the bottle. She was totally content afterwards, and so was I.

The rest of the day has gone perfectly with Rayya taking a bottle. I've quit cold turkey, because I don't know if I could balance trying to do both breast and bottle. I've shed all my tears now, and have released the guilt. As much as I am sorry to lose the privilege of nursing Rayya, I have now gained some control, some freedom, and more time and energy for both her and James. THESE things are far more important than the method by which she is fed.

So, now on to the next adventure in motherhood... potty training?!

I'm Catching On, Aunt Flow

Sometimes it just takes a little longer to figure out what's going on - and perhaps I can blame it on being a busy mother of two. I think I'm finally catching on to my body's schedule, and by figuring that out, I have effectively also figured out a few of my nursing issues.

Rayya started sleeping fairly long stretches at night around two months, possibly even earlier. It is not unusual to expect a five hour stretch from her, and I've been blessed with stretches up to nine hours! Some moms will wake their baby to feed after a certain number of hours, and I did so with James (though I usually didn't have to with him). I had previously decided that with this baby I wasn't going to do that. As many "old school" moms will tell you, "let a sleeping baby lie". I didn't expect to be getting that many hours, but I'm totally okay with it! As a result, my period returned a little earlier too, about two months ago. At the time of it's return, I was able to attribute a few nursing issues to the return of those hormones. Once I had finished the cycle, everything went back to normal. I can apparently ward off some of these issues by taking a calcium/magnesium supplement - instead of the herbs I was taking, which ultimately gave Rayya horrible gas pain, and I had to quite taking them - even though they were helping.

So a few weeks ago, Rayya started getting extremely distracted by almost anything while nursing. She would constantly try to turn her head while nursing, taking my nipple along for the ride. Ouch! I started to develope some pretty bad nipple pain, and was beginning to wonder if I'd be able to keep going. Well, a week of that and suddenly, the pain was nearly gone! What?! I was surprised at it's rather abrupt disappearance, but thankful none-the-less.

Last night Rayya was up several times in the night to nurse, and today I've noticed a significant drop in my milk supply. Looking back on my calendar it has all become clear!

The nipple pain I was experiencing happened exactly when I was most likely ovulating. Now, the drop in my milk supply is a good indicator that any day now Aunt Flow will come a-calling. As soon as she does, everything will go back to normal. On top of all that, Rayya's extra fussiness seems to be linked to her bi-weekly poop schedule (yes, she still regularly poops only every fourteen to sixteen days). At the end of the two week period, a day or two before "poop day" she is extremely irritable - and this irritability seems to grow over the week prior to "poop day". After "poop day" (which is an entire day of numerous, horrid smelling diapers), she is back to her happy self.

And thus, the cycle continues...

A Christmas Message for You

Opposites

James and Rayya couldn't be more opposite (as babies)! Besides the obvious, that James is a BOY and Rayya is a GIRL. Here are just a few of the ways that they are different (comparing James to Rayya when he was the same age):
• James hated baths when he was a baby, Rayya loves them!
• James did not sleep through the night until 9 months old, and Rayya already does (sometimes).
• James loved to be rocked, Rayya does not.
• James fell asleep nursing, Rayya rarely does.
• James could not self-soothe, and Rayya loves that best.
• James loved his carseat, and often slept in it. Rayya hates it.
• James loved (and still loves) travelling and car rides. Rayya is not a fan.
• James liked tummy time. Rayya does not appreciate tummy time.
• James liked goofy faces and noise-making toys, and Rayya doesn't as much.
• James liked big groups of people. Rayya most certainly is more of a home-body.
• James could sleep anywhere. Rayya needs her crib.
• James took the bottle instantly. Rayya likes nursing better.
• James always woke up crying. Rayya coos and "talks" to herself when she wakes up.
• James cried getting his diaper changed (and still does). Rayya loves diaper changes.
• James wasn't drooly. Rayya is always soaked.
• James handled needles pretty good. Rayya screamed all the way home.
• James often up-chucked large amounts of milk. Rayya keeps hers down almost always.
• James liked infant Tylenol. Rayya spits it out.
• James looks like mommy, and Rayya like daddy.
• James is spirited, and Rayya is textbook.
• James didn't cry loud, Rayya can burst eardrums.
• James has sensitive skin, and Rayya doesn't not.
• James is photogenic, and Rayya is not (gets that from me, unfortunately).
This list could be much, much longer - but I don't want to completely put you to sleep. Some of this is moreso for my own records than anything else, but I thought some of you might find it interesting.

The Joys of Parenting

Some days you just have to ask yourself, "why did I even bother"? Yesterday I decided that we would make a trip to Winnipeg after the kids had napped. This was for several reasons, because usually I avoid the mall in December like I would a kid with a cough during an H1N1 pandemic. In no particular order, the reasons why we went were:
1) So my brother could do some Christmas shopping.
2) So we could go see Santa, who was actually Ryan's Uncle Stan.
3) So we could have supper with our friend Tannis, who was out from BC.
4) So I could exchange a sweater I got for Christmas, and have it to wear this weekend.
5) So I could pick up all the desserts I needed for family gatherings this weekend.
6) To do some window browsing, and perhaps spend a gift certificate I received.
How much of this was actually accomplished? Well, my brother was able to buy one gift. We did SEE Santa, but did not sit on his knee. I exchanged the sweater, but chose something in under 5 minutes in desperation, and then proceeded to wait for almost another 20 minutes (while James ran amuck in the store, chased by Uncle Matt, and Rayya was alternately hysterical and then all smiles with all the attention she was getting from the clerks) to do the exchange. I did pick up the desserts - THANK YOU M&M Meat Shop! I did no extra window browsing or shopping. We did have supper with Tannis. However, I spent the ENTIRE meal finding a place to nurse a SCREAMING baby - which ended up being in our van in the parking lot, and by the time I was finished and back in the restaurant, only Ryan was left at the table... and my plate of cold food. Tannis had needed to leave to another engagement. Matt was chasing James around (who had evidently been extremely wild at supper), and Ryan was waiting for my return so that he could walk with Rayya while I put back that plate of seafood linguine in 5 minutes, tops. Oh, the joy!

Weepy

I'm kind of weepy today, though I haven't actually shed any tears. It feels like they want to come out in torrents, but are blocked by a huge dam. I'm not entirely sure why. It seems like one thing, and a million things all in one.

I suppose I could get into it, but there are a lot of things that I won't go into "publicly" on the blog. Some days I just lack the support and encouragement that I need as a mom. I'm a "words of affirmation" kind of girl, and these days my "love tank" is running low on this - particularly from the people that I NEED to hear it from. I'm just down, because I know that I can't function at my usual speed and it's frustrating.

We dedicated Rayya in church on Sunday, and that was beautiful. I was somewhat emotional through it all, because it was just a year ago that I was baptized under the lights of that same Christmas tree. I didn't get baptized in order to "get" a baby, but I felt that God wanted me to walk in that direction in order to be healed of whatever was preventing us from having a second baby. It was one step out of many, but a year later, I was standing there with my baby girl in my arms - proud as ever!

In other news, I'm still trying to make heads and tails of my nursing situation. I started to take Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle tinctures, 2mls. three times a day. This is usually used for an increase in milk supply, but can also help to increase milk flow - with the hope that Rayya would be happier nursing. She definately was happier, and back to sleeping through the night... for a few days. Now the Fenugreek has built up in our systems, and we are seeing the warned side effects. She is crazy gassy, and painfully so - and also having some fairly explosive, green poops. Great. So, now I'll go OFF the herbs, back to the slow flow, and see what happens next! Hopefully the herbs have picked up the supply a bit, and once I go off of them Rayya will just keep it up and keep happy. Argh.

We've begun to get into the swing of Christmas over here. We've had one family gathering, my brother is home from Calgary, and we had Christmas with Ryan's parents last night. It's been good, but busy. The kids seem to be handling the hustle and bustle fairly well. The year before last it was all a bit much for James, who seemed to suffer in the sleep department for it. This year he is just going with the flow, and Rayya kinda just tags along. As long as she sleeps here and there, she stays relatively happy.

This coming weekend we have back-to-back family gatherings in the city. I had offered for both gatherings to bring something, if needed. I was a little surprised when my bringing something turned into dessert for 36 people for one day, and 6 pies (2 each of 3 different kinds, pumpkin, apple, and lemon meringue) for the other! Whoa. Thank goodness for M&M Meats, who will happily make all of these desserts for me, and all I have to do is swipe my Mastercard - and voila! I am just SO not up for making all of this from scratch, and I can't make a good pie to save my life!

Saturday Sentences

James: "I can't wait to go to grandma's, and tell her that deer only eat green things, and not people."

Me: "That sounds good James, I'm sure grandma will be happy to hear that."

James: "Ya, and then I'll tell her that she makes the best Jello in the WHOLE WORLD!"

Picky Princess

So I finally got in to see my Dr. (it required me to call the secretary in tears after trying to get a screaming Rayya to latch on after 30 minutes). She checked us over very thoroughly, and assures me that we do not have thrush. She suggested some preventative therapy, just in case - but according to her, we do not have it. I am thankful! I've heard how difficult it can be to get rid of, and of course all the various treatment options had my head in a spin. I did try the boric acid treatment (1/2 tsp boric acid diluted in 1 cup boiled water, apply with cotton balls squeezed of excess liquid to nipples and baby's mouth before each feeding - in case you want to try it). It took care of some of my itchy nipple trouble - but made Rayya scream even moreso. However, we don't have thrush... apparently what we have is a picky princess.

Given my explanation of exactly what Rayya has been doing, my Dr. says it's a sure bet that she is reacting to a slow let-down. Because I started off with the OPPOSITE problem of a fast and forceful let-down, Rayya is simply displeased by the lack of immediate food. Can't say I blame her, but my goodness! She sure puts up a fuss! So, with luck she will just get used to it and start to nurse better again. On the other hand, she may just do this for the rest of the time that I choose to nurse her. Argh. I have already reached my 3 month goal, and hope now to get to 4 months. I think I can do one more month with no life... and of course get through the Christmas season with my picky princess as well. If you notice I've disappeared at various gatherings or events, I've likely gone to hide in a dark, quiet closet hoping to get my baby fed!

Happy 3 Months Rayya!

Struggles of the Milk Maid

Okay, not THAT kind of milk maid!
I was able to nurse James for about 2-1/2 months when he suddenly seemed to wean himself. He was unhappy at my breast, and would pop on and off and barely drink. By the time I finally just quit (without really consulting anyone for help), my milk supply was so low I didn't even experience any engorgement.

This time around I wanted my nursing experience to be different, and to last longer. I made sure I saw a lactation consultant in the hospital, and explained to her my previous experience. She showed me a few ways to nurse comfortably while lying down - as I had decided I would try co-sleeping with Rayya. I also decided ahead of time to "nurse through the pain", meaning that even when something wasn't going perfectly, I would still keep going. Well, eventually I had to put Rayya in her crib for night. She was sleeping decent stretches anyway, and I just wasn't able to sleep with her next to me.

Things seemed to be going smoothly in all regards. Rayya was a champion nurser - often finished in under 5 minutes, and sleeping well at night. I was so thrilled! Soon I started to notice that she was unhappy at my breast - this was a few weeks after my engorgement had subsided. I diagnosed the problem to be the very forceful let-down reflex I had - and after trying some new positions, she was back to nursing happily again. A few weeks after that, and my supply evened out and the forceful let-down seemed to decrease - or she just began handling it better. Again, she would fuss at the breast - and I noticed it was taking a little longer to have a let-down. I assumed she was unhappy with the fact that she now had to work for her meal, and figured she'd just get used to it.

From there, things have progressively gotten a little worse. Determined not to give it up, I've just been "nursing through the pain". Rayya began to cry when nursing on my right side - which up until then had been her favourite side. I would trick her by putting her soother in, and then quickly pull it out and replace it with the breast. She would pop on and off frequently, and I would have to somewhat manually stimulate the breast to have a let-down (TMI?). Once let-down happens, she nurses happily for a few minutes, and then I have to use compressions to keep her on a while longer. The fussing has grown worse, but I've kept going - using my "trick" technique at each feed on that side. This is particularly difficult if we go out, and I don't feel completely comfortable. Then it's virtually impossible to achieve a let-down, and it's embarassing when she is crying and constantly on-and-off the breast.

I don't claim to love nursing - but I WANTED to love nursing. I wanted to go for three months, and I've done that. Now I want to go longer. The supply is there. The ability is there. The desire is there. But at every turn, it feels that there is something stopping me from achieving my next goal of 4 months. I'm frustrated.

On the bright side, Rayya is happy, content, and thriving. There's no doubt that she is getting enough nutrition, and that is the main thing. However, this week she started fussing at the left breast as well. Thankfully I already knew how to trick her - so I am now using the soother trick at all feedings. In the night and early mornings I don't always have to use it when she's groggy. Then she just seems to be unconscious to the problem. During the day though we have to fight it out each time.

I had suspected thrush for some time now, but at a Dr.'s appointment a couple of weeks ago I had her checked and the Dr. said she had no signs of it. Today I am convinced it is thrush, though we don't have all the typical signs, we do have these:

• my nipples are itchy and sore (still TMI?)

• at times I feel a "pins and needles" sensation in my breasts

• Rayya has a slight whitish tinge to her mouth

• the obvious discomfort she has only when nursing

So, now I am trying to figure out the quickest way to get this fixed so that I don't have to end my milkmaid career. I SO do not want to quit yet. In fact, dare I say it... I think I am growing to love nursing. I want to continue. The directions I'm reading online to cure thrush looks daunting though - and with an unconfirmed success rate at that! Everything from creams, ointments, medications, oils, powders, herbs, purple dyes... you name it, and it seems like almost everything and anything COULD be a cure, but nothing IS the cure. I was sharing this frustration with a mom of four today at church. Her tried and tested recommendation is boric acid. I looked it up online to see how to use it, and found that it's used in rat poison. See, anything really CAN be a cure!

Clutter Spots

The floor of our room, and the trunk at the end of our bed. (Note: pile of maternity clothes on floor needing storage space, empty bags needing storage space on door handle, box on top of hamper needing storage space, and all my clothes on the trunk at the end of the bed needing a drawer, or closet, or... SPACE!)

In front of the unused front entrance door. (Note: if there was such thing as a hall closet in this house, these things could be hidden there - but there is no such closet.)

On the trunk in the front entrance way. (Note: sufficient cupboard/office/desk space would take care of this - plus the previously mentioned hall closet.)

On James' "little table". (Note: perhaps a playroom, with shelves and compartments for all his art stuff would take care of this.)

And the most notorious clutter spot, on top of the dishwasher. (Note: this is just us being lazy.)

I hate that there are these clutter spots in our house. I have cleaned them up time and time again only to have them reappear the very next day. I just don't know where to put all this... stuff! Mail, bills, James' pictures, pens, pads of paper, keys, purses, diaper bags, etc. All these things lack a spot in our house - and I blame this on the lack of cupboards and closets. Our old fashioned house just isn't built for convenient storage. I am actually quite a "neat freak" in my own right, but try not to get too hung up on it. However, there are days when these clutter spots start to get to me, and I wonder how I've let my home come to this! I really don't know how to de-clutter these areas, because there is NO other place to put this stuff. I find it frustrating. Do you have any clutter spots?

Wow

So I have been working on this new blog template, and couldn't help but notice that we've had...
• 2 children
• 3 miscarriages
• 4 angel babies
• 5 pregnancies
• 6 children altogether

Dare to Compare

James
Rayya

More of Rayya

The photographer (Kristel Bueckert) who used Rayya as a model back in September posted a few more pics... I couldn't resist, I had to share! They are so beautiful! The photos of her with the flower and the pink hat were for the modelling job.

My Big Little Boy

I just can't believe that it's been three years since this memorable post! What a wonderful three years it has been having James in our lives. He is such a huge blessing, and I can say with all honesty that I have very rarely taken him for granted. He is such a precious child. He continues to delight us with his fanciful vocabulary, and hilarious comments. He loves his little sister very much, and can often be seen inches from her face, telling her how cute she is! I feel so incredibly blessed to call James my son. I am so proud of him, and I love how gentle he is. Three years really does go by fast. Wow. We love you James, happy birthday!

Updates

James: Oh what to say about James! My nearly-three-year-old (turning three next Saturday) is best described as busy, adventurous, talkative, acrobatic, dramatic, brilliant... this list could go on and on. James' has definately settled down since his little sister arrived, and for that I am so thankful. I feel that I have my old James back, with a few new added features. Like, attitude, for example. His very extensive vocabularly and imagination cause for a lot of laughter, but also contributes to his growing sense of self. The other day he was scolded for something, for which his reply was to cross his arms tight across his chest, slump his head down and said, "Mom, I'm fwustwated". Needless to say, this could have been something he got from me - minus the folded arms and growly face. He never really had terrible twos, so it's no surprise that some of those antics are being seen now. However, he remains the comedian of the household, and his constant hilarious comments keep us rolling. Some recent ones:

• I came downstairs to get him for his nap, and before I said anything, James got up stretched out his arms, and did a big fake yawn. Then he said, "I'm tiring out mom. Is it naptime?".

• I lightly swatted James on his bum for playing with a blind that he knew not to touch. His response was, "Thanks mom, that was a nice spank. It wasn't too hard". Uh-huh.

• He dressed up in a blanket and then came to announce, "Look, I'm a fabulous mermaid!".

• I asked James to go tell his daddy that the cell phone was vibrating. James went to the top of the stairs and yelled, "Daddy, your phone is migrating!".

• While outside playing, James saw some numbers (the year 1987) written in the cement behind our house. When he asked who put them there, I told him I didn't know, to which he said, "I know! It's a mystery! We have to solve the mystery!".

He still spends much of his time in front of the TV these days. However, the weather has been so beautiful that anytime Rayya naps in the mornings we try to get outside. James also has many "glasses buddies", and has no issues wearing his glasses all day now. They are super cute on him, and I'm so glad he's happy keeping them on! We are also slowly attempting to potty train. I'm taking an extremely relaxed approach to it, as he doesn't have much interest, and I'm still pretty busy with Rayya. We're picking up a coin-operated M & M machine though, and I plan to reward jobs on the potty with coins to use in the machine. They had one at the optometrist's office, and James did anything they asked if he knew he could get a coin for the machine. We're trying the same thing with a gingerbread house - he can't eat any unless he uses the potty. I think he likes to tell people about it, but has no interest in actually trying to win a treat. I can't get enough of James' beautiful personality, and gentle spirit. He loves to cuddle, hug and kiss, and tell us that we are loved.

Rayya: As James would say, "Oh Rayya, Rayya, Rayya!". She is a very loved little girl, especially by her big brother. Every time he giggles she will light up with a smile. Rayya is wonderful. What can I say?! Besides being a miracle, she has also blessed us with her easy-going demeanor, and decent sleep habits. She has slept several nights "through the night", and on the nights that she wakes up it is generally only once and maybe twice for quick feeds. She sometimes takes some time to fall back to sleep, as she likes her soother a lot but tends to lose it. Usually after a few trips back to her room to get her soother back in, she will eventually spit it out and stay asleep. She is nursing every two-three hours, though usually two hours nearly to the minute. She is now a much happier baby than she was a month ago, and is very happy when she's awake. She'll often greet me in the mornings with a big baby smile, which totally melts my heart. She is happy to tag along outside in her carseat, or go for stroller rides. She's not as big a fan of car rides though. Rayya is working on holding up her head, and trying desperately to "talk". With James coaching her, she will be talking non-stop in no time! Life with a baby is starting to feel a lot more normal. I still think the best advice came from my sister-in-law who told me from 0-3 months to expect no life, no time, no rest, no energy. Then from 3-6 months you can start to expect to get out more, and expect more consistency to life. From 6 months and on life will just continue to get more and more normal. Right now getting out, like to the store and post office, still feels a bit overwhelming. A trip to Winnipeg to shop is definately out of the question if daddy can't come along. But all in all, life at home feels good. I am so much more relaxed with this baby, and I don't have the awful post partum depression! The only reason for my lack of posts is that I'm busy, and if I do get the time to lay down I do it - without allowing myself to feel guilty! I'm hoping that Rayya's baby dedication will be soon. My mom and aunt are throwing a shower for her this Sunday, which should be fun. I also can't wait to shop for some girl stuff for Christmas!

Me: Life for me is going pretty well. I'm so incredibly happy, even in the midst of the days that feel rather chaotic. Inside, I'm always smiling. I do feel like being a mom is exactly what God wanted me to be. Some days I feel like I don't do Him justice for all that He's given me. I keep trying to make Him a part of our daily lives - and yet I fail at this more often than I accomplish it. I am enjoying having a baby so much more than I did with James, and that makes me happy. Now that we've sort of come out of the newborn stage I can say that. Somedays I get irritated when I feel like ALL I've done is make food, nurse a baby, change diapers, kiss a wounded toddler, walk around the house with a crying baby, make more food, nurse some more, put movies on TV, wiped up messes, and in general - looked after everyone's needs but my own. And then I realize that doing these things is EXACTLY what I love doing! I'm so glad I can take care of my three wonderful family members. It bring me so much joy! Yes, a break every now and then would be great - but for now, a candlelit bubble bath every now and then will do the trick. Photo: This is where Rayya hangs out while I make supper!

The Many Faces of Rayya

The Journey Continues

As always, my faith is continously growing, changing, improving... sometimes backsliding. However, I was brought to tears when I read this post from a year ago. Oh, how God has blessed me! The journey never ceases to be boring. I feel so honored that I have been blessed in the ways that we have been over this last year. Gary Chapman who wrote "The Five Love Languages" also wrote a book called "God Speaks Your Love Language". My love language is receiving gifts, and God sure has given me many! I also just want to thank you for coming along with me on this journey - it's never the same without friends. May you be richly blessed today my friend! I love you!

The Good Life

"For I KNOW the plans I have for YOU", declares the LORD, "plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and FUTURE".

His plans for me are good, and He has prospered me beyond my dreams. He has not harmed me, and has given me hope. If this is my future, I am blessed.

Rayya's Name

I haven't had the chance to tell you all about Rayya's name yet. Rayya was a name we had chosen if James would have been a girl. However, he would have been Rayya Isabelle. I absolutely love the name Rayya, and I couldn't let it go. When we got pregnant this time around, Ryan wasn't really as fond of the name anymore, so I tried to find new names for a girl. No matter what, I always came back to Rayya, and loved it. During the many times that I begged God to spare this little girl's life, I told Him I wanted Him to guide me to choose a name that would honor Him - and also that would open a door to allow me to share about the miracle that Rayya is. I kept coming back to Rayya, and could not allow the name to slip through my hands. Near Rayya's birth date, Ryan and I talked about names and he agreed to Rayya's name.

The name Rayya, spelled as it is, is the Hebrew version of the name, and means "to no longer be thirsty". I wouldn't have spelled it this way otherwise, knowing that Rayya will forever have to spell her name for people. However, it doesn't mean the same thing if it's spelled different. We thirsted for this baby, and now we are no longer thirsty for her - and I can't think of a more fitting name! Her middle name Katherine was Ryan's choice, but it's a beautiful name and means "purity". Her second middle name Faith is pretty self-explanatory! Without faith, the faith of others, faithful prayers, and the faith of the Father above we would not have Rayya. I just couldn't name her without the mention of Faith!

So that is the story of Rayya's name. It means so incredibly much to me, and I love sharing the story of her name!

Rayya's Modelling Gig

Rayya was a model at two weeks old! The photographer (Kristel Bueckert) "paid" us by giving us a free newborn photo session. Here is the sneak peak of Rayya's photos, with more to come later...

Good Friends & Cute Kids

Kamryn, Rayya & James

My dear Janelle, and Rayya

One Month

My sweet, sweet one month old. How we love you Rayya!

Baby Love

Despite the crazy week it's been, and the many, many tears... there are still beautiful moments, like this one. I love this baby girl.

Bra Blog

A while back I asked my blogger friends to let me know what kind of nursing bras they used, or recommended. I had horribly ugly ones with James, and they never fit properly. A few friends sent recommendations, starting with a website called "Breakout Bras". I fitted myself as per their directions, and ordered a few bras. I love these bras, so I want to tell you about them!

All three bras are by a UK company called "Freya". They are all pretty similar in style, just different colours and fabrics, and a few minor differences. You do have to order these bras using the special sizing chart, as they come from UK and are slightly different in size.

The first one that I got was the "Dotty" (black). It's VERY cute, and doesn't look at all like a nursing bra! It's always nice to feel cute and sexy, right?
Then I got the "Emily" (pink), which I bought a little bigger to use during the engorgement period. It still fits fine now though, and is very, very supportive. The straps and fabric don't stretch, so it really holds everything firmly in place.

The last one I got is the "Rosalie" (nude). It is soft and a little more stretchy, and has a slightly different styling than the others. It's more basic, but looks nice under t-shirts and stuff. The stretch is nice and comfortable - but still supportive for larger chests.

I totally recommend all these bras, and the website "Breakout Bras"! The prices were awesome, and they shipped all the bras for free.

Comparison Shot

Daddy with James, November 2006.

Daddy with Rayya, September 2009.

Truth About the Newborn Stage

The newborn stage is not my favourite, I'll admit it. As beautiful as a newborn baby is, and Rayya certainly is a beauty, the newborn stage is hard for me. I am very comfortable handling a newborn, and thankfully feel much, much more relaxed about her nursing and sleeping, etc. However, between the exhaustion of being up at night nursing, and the distressing cries of a newborn that come without explanation, I find it tough. This is not to say that this post is about complaining about my new baby! Oh no, definately not! I'd do this a MILLION times over again, just to have my babies. But it's simply me admitting that I do not handle the newborn phase well. I struggle with really embracing the moments, and at the same time wishing for them to pass.

Rayya is a fabulous baby! Of course, I compare everything she does to what James did - and she is a dream in comparison. The few nights that I have said were "rough" have really been a walk in the park compared to "rough" nights with James! Since day one Rayya has pretty much been on a 2.5 hour feeding "schedule", with a few bursts here and there were she nurses more. She nurses fast though, usually wrapping things up in 15-30 minutes max. (To me, that's fast compared the hour that James always took). She usually konks out and naps immediately following that, which I will switch around later to be awake time - but goodness, she's only 2 weeks old! She sleeps pretty well at night, with an occassional hour or so of just wanting to be awake - but happy! If that happens, I hand her off to daddy, who can sleep while holding her in a chair. I can't do that. She seems to handle my fast let-down reflex better than James, who had explosive poops throughout his entire nursing "career". Rayya handles it fine, and I of course am more experienced and use a few tricks to help her out. She loves to be bathed, and hasn't cried at all when getting bathed. She's bright and alert when she's awake, and seems to just now be interested in her soother. Until lately, I've been her soother! What else... um... she seems to have a bit of a witching hour from about 9:00pm - 10:00pm, when she just screams and cries - and then suddenly will just instantly fall asleep! I don't know if it's gas, or what, but it's pretty consistent every night. I never would have tried to keep James awake, EVER, but we do try to keep her awake during the evening for a while, because she sleeps A LOT. Last night was a typical night for her, down to sleep at 10:00pm, up to nurse at 1:30am, sleep, up to nurse at 4:30am, sleep, up to nurse at 6:30am and then slept until 9:30am.

Anyway, that's the latest baby rundown. I know it's a funny photo of her, I was trying to get one of her while she was awake!

James & Rayya

Some Pics

Big brother holds Rayya.
Four generations: Great-grandma Trudy Harris, Grandma Wendy Kroeker, Mommy Heather Plett and Baby Rayya Plett.

Such a good big brother! Here you see Rayya's splint - she has a "hip click", which is quite common and will be looked at this week to see how it's going.

A beautiful hat crocheted by friend Tannis Hiebert.

How Rayya Came into the World

To sum up Rayya's entrance into the world in two words, I'd say "unexpected" and "quick". I truly wish that all pregnant women could have labours & deliveries like mine. I actually enjoy and cherish the experience, and I'd like to do it just ONE more time - I think.

Anyway, how it all happened was like this. We had decided to stay home for the long weekend, even though it is the weekend where we traditionally go down to the States and stay at a resort with Ryan's family. I was just so uncomfortable, and feeling apprehensive about going, so we begrudgingly stayed home. On Sunday night I was a bit bummed that we had stayed home for nothing. I felt guilty, because I knew how much Ryan wanted to go to the resort. I had no idea of what was to come...

At about 3:00am or so (all times are somewhat a guess, because everything happened in a blur), I woke up and tried to roll over in bed. As I was helping my tummy over to the other side, I felt something give - like the feeling of pulling out a drain stop, kind of. I sort of panicked, because I thought I did something bad to myself when suddenly I felt a gush! I got out of bed as quickly as possible, stepped out of the bedroom door and suddenly I was literally gushing water all over the floor! I just stood there with what was probably a very surprised smile on my face - my water had broke! And did it EVER! Once the flow quit, I grabbed a towel to stick between my legs and went to get Ryan. He didn't believe me when I woke him up and told him my water had broke. We went back to the hall, and the water was spreading everywhere (old house, kind of leans to one side). It was flowing directly into my pantry, and various other locations. I wasn't having any contractions yet, so we started to mop up. The water found it's way through the floorboards, and was even dripping from the ceiling in the basement. So gross - but very funny to me! Thankfully the mattress pad soaked up the fluid I lost in the bed, and I put on some new sheets so that my mom could come and sleep there.

I called my mom to come, and started packing up. Everything was ready to go, so it didn't take long. We were on the road at about 3:30am or so. The contractions started just before we left, at 4-5 minutes apart and lasting 30 seconds. They weren't bad, just like bad menstrual cramps. I was so curious how far along I'd be at the hospital. We got to the hospital around 4:30am and the contractions were getting stronger, and about 3 minutes apart. It seemed like everything was taking so long! I had Ryan take me up to the 3rd floor in a wheelchair, because it was hard to walk. I had to do all the paperwork while he moved the car, and I was getting really annoyed with the receptionist who didn't seem to notice that I was very much in labour!

I got into triage at about 5:00am or so. When I was checked, I was 6cm dilated and the contractions were getting stronger - I just wanted to get into a room. We got into the room at about 6:00am. I got settled in, went to the bathroom, sat down on the side of the bed and things just started happening! The contractions got REALLY strong, and I felt I couldn't move. The nurse tried to talk to me about pain options, and was trying to encourage me to use the shower or birthing tub. Ryan just kept saying to her "this isn't going to take long, the baby is coming". She didn't really believe him until I said, "It burns and I feel I need to POOOOOOOOooooop!". She asked me to lie down so she could check me, and once on my back the contractions got excruciating! She checked me and I was fully dilated! She got a bit panicked then, trying to call the Dr. and telling the staff she needed help as things had progressed so fast.

She told me that at any time I could bear down and push, so I did! Thankfully the Dr. came quick, things got set up - and 5 minutes later Rayya was born.

It was so nice to be able to have her put straight onto my chest, and Ryan was able to cut the cord. We never got to do those things with James, as they quickly had to examine him right after birth. She stayed on my chest for a long time, and I just got to take it all in. I had absolutely no cuts or tears - just some "scratches", so that was nice! It went so smoothly, I was so happy!

After settling in with Rayya, Ryan decided to go downstairs and make phone calls. The nurses kept coming to check on me, and my bleeding. The nurse was checking my bleeding, and pressing on my tummy when I passed some fairly major clots. She called the Dr., because she was concerned about more clotting. Before I knew it, there was a rush of activity in the room! (Thankfully Rayya had nursed, and was asleep in the bassinett). I was hooked up to an IV to get some clotting medications into me. The Dr. then handed me the gas mask, and said "start breathing this". Um... why?! Well, to my utter dismay, she had to GO BACK UP THERE with her hand (almost up to her elbow) to take out the clots. Yes ladies, I can firmly say THAT was the worst thing I've EVER felt. Thank God it only took a couple minutes, and I breathed that gas like it was my life.

After THAT episode, Ryan returns thinking all is well to find me pale and the room a mess. Things did go back to normal after that, and the recovery was fine. We stayed in the hospital for 48 hours, and then came home as a family of 4 on Wednesday afternoon.

I'm sure there will be more to add to this later, but I think this pretty much covers the basics!

Introducing...

Our beautiful gift from God

Rayya Katherine Faith Plett

September 7, 2009 at 6:49am
7lbs 10oz, 19 inches

Congrats to Tammy Gigolyk who predicted a girl weighing 8lbs 8oz on the 7th!

One Year, One Week & One Day

That's how long it's been since our last little angel grew wings and flew to be with Jesus. I've been so preoccupied this past couple of weeks that baby angel No.4's birthday went unnoticed, and I'm okay with that. However, I did notice it a week later and decided I'd still blog about it. My last miscarriage was the hardest one, because it followed so closely after the one preceding it, and I was still grieving - and I LONGED to believe that God was going to give us that baby. Once again, God had other plans, and now I can see how the timing is still much better now. But I did love that little life, and was so very heartbroken to lose it. It was also the first time I cried going into the operating room for the D & C. I didn't want to be there at all, and it was almost as though I still didn't entirely believe that another one of our babies hadn't made it. The nurses were so compassionate, and wiped my tears for me as I slowly faded to sleep.
I don't know why I have to have 4 angel babies, but I do know one thing for sure - I am SO glad that I KNOW that I'll get to MEET them someday! When I get to Heaven's gate, and see four little angels running in my direction, it will all make sense. I can't wait to hold them and kiss them. For now, I get to lavish love on my earthly angels. Oh, thank God for my James and my Baby Banana! There is just so much, so very much, to be thankful for.

Proof

Thanks to Amber, here is proof that I have a husband and that we like each other! On the 13th we celebrate 6 years of marriage. I am still very much in love with my babe Ryan, and I'm so glad we're on this journey together. Amber, thanks for capturing this moment and sharing it with us. It's one of my favourites.

Surreal

This pregnancy feels so much more surreal to me than my pregnancy with James. I don't know if it's still the way my subconscious mind is trying to protect me from believing that we will actually have a live baby in our arms in a few short weeks. When I think about holding a little tiny babe in my arms, it just doesn't seem real! It just doesn't feel like it's really going to come to pass! Have you ever had that, where you plan an event, or a trip and when you try to imagine yourself there, you just can't? It just doesn't seem possible? That's how I feel. Even though I am VERY aware of baby's existence (I got a lot of stares in the mall today, some sympathetic, some in shock, some with smiles of knowing), and looking and feeling extremely pregnant, I can't believe a baby is there. Can you believe it? There is a sweet baby in there, just waiting to come out and meet us and be in our arms. I will have another love of my life to hold, to kiss, to nurture, to cherish, to lavish with love. My body will grow a "second heart", and I will somehow have the capacity to love another little one as I love my James. Hard to imagine loving two like that - James is our universe.
I don't know if I can entirely blame hormones, but this has been an emotional time for me. It's hard to put into words why it is so emotional. Perhaps because I know how close I am to holding in my arms a true miracle, and how I want so badly for this baby's life to be a testament to others of the grace, and true nature of the God I love. Perhaps it's because I pleaded to God for this baby's life, and to look into that face will be like looking into the face of Christ. Perhaps because of the many promises I made to my Lord and Saviour if only He would allow me to carry this baby. In any case, I have shed many tears over my children. Some tears of joy for their existence, and some tears of fear that I might fail them. My biggest hope is that my children sense and see in me a true relationship with Jesus. Not just a show, and not just a Sunday faith. I want them to see me in fellowship and relationship with Jesus every day, in all parts of my day. I want them to know Jesus because they see how I know Him. This is my prayer.
I can hardly believe that only 20 days are left until I see my precious baby. My arms long to hold this child so badly - the pain and waiting, the wondering and the praying, the tears and the joy - all worth that moment of being handed a new little bundle of blessings. I feel so incredibly blessed.
Baby Banana still has no name picked yet. This has been a bit of a struggle, as Ryan and I have very different tastes in names. Yes, we agreed on James' name, but this time around it seems like it's been harder to narrow it down. Truth be told, I really have only one name that I like and want - and in my mind I am often calling baby this name already! To me the name has deep meaning, and I love it. Hopefully we'll come to an agreement soon. Baby could be here any day!
I haven't take any new pics lately - it's been busy around here! Maybe tomorrow I can hire my sister-in-law to be my personal photographer and get some new ones taken.

Twenty Months Pregnant

Yes, that's right - twenty months pregnant. When this whole journey to a second child began, it was Christmas of 2007. Hard to imagine, isn't it? I was pregnant in December of 2007, and we lost that baby in January of 2008. I got pregnant again in June of 2008, but all of the months between January and June were potentially "pregnant" months for me - and I did things as though I could be pregnant. In August 2008 was the last miscarriage, and from August to December was the same thing. I lived each month as though I could be pregnant - avoiding vigorous physical activity, lifting heavy objects, avoiding most medications and alcohol, etc. Finally, in January of this year we knew that we were pregnant again. And as you all know, it's going well - and I am now entering month 9 of this pregnancy. PRAISE GOD! It's been a twenty month journey to get here... twenty months of being pregnant, then not being pregnant, and then the waiting in between. What a crazy rollercoaster! But no matter where I've been on that rollercoaster, I've sensed God's nearness to me. I am so very thankful for that. I am so very thankful to be where I am. I am so very, very thankful.

Lots to Say, Little to Say

I feel like I have a hundred things going through my mind these days - and yet I lack creativity and ambition to blog about it all.

The main thing is that James' room is pretty much done. The only detail left is that there is still a little bit of stuff stored in his closet that we need to go through, and the rug needs to be installed in his hideout. Otherwise, he is moved in. He had his first night in the big boy bed last night. I think it would have gone totally smooth, except that two people yesterday said to him that "baby is going to have your crib". We had been avoiding saying anything like that to him - just simply trying to make the big boy room and bed a big exciting adventure. I think that effected him, because at bedtime he wanted to go into his crib. After encouraging him, and telling him he would be a big boy now like his friends Emery and Levi (both 4) he was feeling better about it. I had to rub his back for a long time, but eventually he fell asleep. He had no trouble napping in his bed today at all. Tonight he went to bed a lot easier, and I only had to go in to remind him to be quiet - which was not indifferent to when he was in his crib! I am so proud of him, and it gives me a lot more peace-of-mind now that he seems to be mostly content in the new room.

In pregnancy updates, well... let's just say the end is nearing! I feel good, but at the same time I also am feeling beat too. Second pregnancies are very different! I feel today where I felt probably in my last week of (overdue) pregnancy with James. The joints are very loose, and give me a lot of discomfort. I'm not sleeping much at all, and blah, blah, blah... it's nearing the end, that's all I can say. I can't WAIT to meet our new little person!!! I'm SO excited about that! Ryan and I have not chosen an official name yet. I have MY name decided on, but we haven't had the official talk yet. We'll see what happens. Last night I had a dream about a name... one I had never thought of, and I don't know if it's relevant. Who knows!?

I also need some nursing bra advice. I have what might be called a "larger" chest than some, and need a really good supportive bra, with thick straps and preferably without underwire. Does anyone have a nursing bra they'd recommend? I used a Wonderbra one last time (with James), but they are too big now - so I am actually a little smaller than before. So I need to invest in some new ones.