I haven't really spent a lot of time blogging about our last miscarriage. It's not that I don't think about it, but honestly, I really don't have a lot of time to think about it! There are definately moments where I have a clear enough mind to say, "Wow, I have two or three children waiting for me in Heaven". I say two or three, because it was never entirely determined whether or not our last miscarriage was twins. The ultrasound showed two "clusters", one that was definately a baby, and the other was unclear. It might have just been a large blood clot, but the way the Doctor talked about it sounded like he was leaning towards twin pregnancy. There are no twins in either side of our immediate families, so this would have been one of those one-in-a-million fluke twin pregnancies. That fact alone could be the reason for the miscarriage, as my body was unable to process twins, and thus, they did not thrive.Today I am a little more emotional about it, because when others around me get pregnant or are thinking about having another baby, my heart starts to ache. I am still very, truly excited for them - my aching heart does not quench my love for other children, and my excitement and joy for the expecting parents. It just reminds me that I want to be in their position, and be fearlessly expecting my next baby.
There is a reason and a purpose for everything - and in many ways, I have already seen some of the blessings in not being pregnant right now. I definately have a lot less stress, and even thinking about a baby coming along a little later seems far more do-able now. I am looking forward to spending the entire summer running after James, and NOT being a sweaty, pregnant woman while doing it (no offence to those of you that will be, hehe)! I am also looking forward to our winter vacation without a newborn, and just James to pack for and entertain. He is at such a fun stage, I'm glad I can take this time to enjoy it longer. I still wish I was pregnant, but I don't really see the point of lamenting about something that I can't change.
Many people ask me if we want more children, or how many children we hope to have. I keep telling them that right now I am happy to be thankful for the ONE that I already have. Don't count your chickens before they hatch, as they say!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
10 comments :
Thanks for sharing, Heather. Your feelings (upon hearing about other pregnancies) are so
understandable. I can imagine it would hurt at first, even if you are overjoyed for them. I love you.
I can understand that it would be sad for you to hear and see pregnancy announcements. Thanks for sharing your feelings Heather.
First of all, James is adorable in that picture :) I can understand the feeling of wanting to be the one who is pregnant, but it's good when there is a child there already to keep you busy and focused. You're so right though, that the wider spread between kids will make it much more manageable for you. James is going to make an excellent big brother someday :)
I too can understand your feelings about others that are pregnant...What keeps coming to my mind is He makes all things beautiful in His time...James is so beautiful...and when the time is right I know your next one will be too!
You have such a beautiful, positive and wise heart. I can only imagine how hard it must be to loose a baby...but you are so blessed. May God give you His great joy today and always.
I know you're enjoying your time only with James. The time will come sooner then you probably think and boom you'll be there again!
BTW Was your hubby by any chance in the Dollarama on Ellice at around 3ish on Wed. April 23? I just about swore it was your hubby but was too shy to approach him for fear I could be wrong. Even tho I never met him I am convinced it was him just by looking at pics of him. I need to know if I was correct. Pls let me know.
Yup! That was him Dianna! You SHOULD have asked him! :)
OH MY GOODNESS!! ARE U SERIOUS?!! I wish I would've listened to my instinct and gone up to him and talked with him. I could give myself a knock on my head 10 times over
I'm glad you've come to a place of enjoying being with your son right now. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a miscarriage. I have so many friends who've had them in recent years it's hard to know how to respond.
Thanks for visiting my blog. I really agree with your post! (about BPA) There's probably a lot more things we don't know about, but we can't keep ourselves safe from everything and I don't think this one is nearly as bad as the media is making it out to be or there would have been more decisive action rather than just leaving it up to the companies to pull their products when they see fit!
Ok, so I am sitting in a cafe Internet here in the city holding back tears. I know our situations were totally different but I think the pain and loss is every similar. I can totally relate to the mixed hurt and joy when others would tell me that they were pregnant and just the strange feelings that I get almost daily when I think of my little girl. I am praying for you Heather and I love that God has given you strength to get through all of this and that you realize that it is HIM.
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