Hiding

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as open, honest and vulnerable as I am. Lately, I've had a strange desire to sort of just disappear for awhile. Not from my family, but from absolutely everything else. I wish we could just pack up, and move somewhere else - just temporarily. I'd love it if Ryan didn't have to work, and we could just hide out somewhere as a family and be TOGETHER. Uninterrupted. Without a schedule. Without things that need to be done, or have to be done. I am longing for something simpler - no TV, no computer, no outside world. I'm not one of those that can cut those out of my life without completely removing them from my sight. If the TV is there, James will watch it sometimes. If the computer is there, I'll use it. And so on... I've just been feeling overwhelmed by the speed of life. I want to slow down, but I don't know how to do that in my own home, when life just keeps going as it always does.

And I want to hide myself a little too. All of a sudden, I feel really naked. Most of the time I feel comfortable in my openness, but lately I feel like I want to hide myself. I wish that when people talked, I didn't feel like I had to contribute or even know how they feel about things. I wish that I could go places, and be anonymous. I wish I could focus on my inside, and not be so intent on getting what's inside to come out. I don't really bottle things at all. Sometimes I wish I knew how. I wish I was more mysterious, more interesting. I need to build a special vacuum cleaner that can just suck back in all the things I've let out. All my secrets, garbage, feelings, etc. I'd jsut be curious to see what kind of person I'd be then. Would I be more stable, or completely nuts? Would I function better, or would I be a basket case? Would the outside world see me as strong, or dysfunctional? Interesting thought. And how would my friends feel? Would I even have any? What makes me a good friend? What are the things that make me a bad friend?

Just some thoughts on my mind today.