Not Ready Yet

I had an interesting experience on Monday afternoon. I went to an open house baby shower put on by our church. The shower was for a Philipino couple that just moved into the country in the last year or so. They had a baby boy a month ago. So, anyway, I went to the shower. There were a lot of ladies there, and I had a good time - I tried out a Philipino dessert made with tapioca, coconut milk and corn. It was... interesting. Anyway, on with the story. I had come near the end of the shower, and soon most of the ladies had left. A couple of us were still mulling around when someone approached me with the adorable little baby and asked if I wanted to hold him. I said, "Sure!", and she placed him in my arms. I looked at that little tiny miracle in my arms. He was precious. All I could say was "Awwww...", and then the tears came. I wasn't expecting it at all - but suddenly I didn't want to hold him anymore. I just kept saying over and over "I can't do this, I can't do this today". Very quickly the lady next to me came and took the little guy, and just kept telling me it was okay, and not to worry. Most people in my church know about our miscarriages, so they all sort of knew what was going on. However, there was a huge blessing in disguise when I realized that the only ladies left were two moms with adopted children. Neither one of them were ever able to have their own children. And the other was a mom who had three miscarriages before she had her first baby (one when she was 5 months pregnant, and lost a little girl), and one miscarriage between her two boys. They could not have been a more understanding and encouraging group! I felt embarassed, but they all assured me that they had all had a hard time holding other babies when they had lost theirs, or were waiting for theirs. So, I guess I'm not ready to hold little babies yet. It was such an unexpected moment - I never knew it would bother me like that! I guess I just felt like it was a strange feeling to have a baby in my arms when I have been longing for that feeling - and knowing that the baby filling my arms was not my own. Admittedly, I do almost always get slightly emotional when I see newborns - I just think there is not a more amazing and precious gift from God than a baby! Looking at a little baby is like looking at the face of God.