Not Ready Yet

I had an interesting experience on Monday afternoon. I went to an open house baby shower put on by our church. The shower was for a Philipino couple that just moved into the country in the last year or so. They had a baby boy a month ago. So, anyway, I went to the shower. There were a lot of ladies there, and I had a good time - I tried out a Philipino dessert made with tapioca, coconut milk and corn. It was... interesting. Anyway, on with the story. I had come near the end of the shower, and soon most of the ladies had left. A couple of us were still mulling around when someone approached me with the adorable little baby and asked if I wanted to hold him. I said, "Sure!", and she placed him in my arms. I looked at that little tiny miracle in my arms. He was precious. All I could say was "Awwww...", and then the tears came. I wasn't expecting it at all - but suddenly I didn't want to hold him anymore. I just kept saying over and over "I can't do this, I can't do this today". Very quickly the lady next to me came and took the little guy, and just kept telling me it was okay, and not to worry. Most people in my church know about our miscarriages, so they all sort of knew what was going on. However, there was a huge blessing in disguise when I realized that the only ladies left were two moms with adopted children. Neither one of them were ever able to have their own children. And the other was a mom who had three miscarriages before she had her first baby (one when she was 5 months pregnant, and lost a little girl), and one miscarriage between her two boys. They could not have been a more understanding and encouraging group! I felt embarassed, but they all assured me that they had all had a hard time holding other babies when they had lost theirs, or were waiting for theirs. So, I guess I'm not ready to hold little babies yet. It was such an unexpected moment - I never knew it would bother me like that! I guess I just felt like it was a strange feeling to have a baby in my arms when I have been longing for that feeling - and knowing that the baby filling my arms was not my own. Admittedly, I do almost always get slightly emotional when I see newborns - I just think there is not a more amazing and precious gift from God than a baby! Looking at a little baby is like looking at the face of God.

The Journey, Explained

Prior to Ryan and I ever starting a family, I wanted to become more grounded in my faith. I knew that I would take on the roll of the spiritual leader in our home, and I wanted to be ready. I didn't want to just start my family, and then hope that my limited faith would somehow rub off on my kids so that they would pursue a deeper relationship with Jesus. I wanted them to grow up and see Jesus through me - in my words, actions, and life. I wanted to be able to confidently say to my children, "Come, take my hand and follow me". So, I began a journey to get to know God better.

Along this journey there was a short, dark tunnel when we lost our first baby to a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I believe that it happened as part of my growth in Christ - to teach me that I needed to trust Him. There are many that would argue that my baby was not taken by Christ. I agree that He did not want my baby to die, but I do believe that He allowed it because He knew that in the "big picture" it would make me a better, stronger person. Soon after that I was pregnant with my precious James.

Although my growth in Christ continued after James was born, I think I got cocky. I think I felt like I really knew God, and therefore I had the ability to call on Him whenever I wanted to. Without realizing it, I was starting to boss God around. The voice that I heard, and called His, was really my own. It seems that after two and half years, and two miscarriages later I can finally see this as the truth. I had taken matters into my own hands, and masqueraded it as being "from God". I think that the enemy saw this, and leapt into action. I had allowed space for him to enter in, and he couldn't wait to deceive me into believing that God had failed me.

The enemy lead me to believe that the words I thought I had heard from God regarding our baby were lies. I've spent the last couple of months asking God, "why did You lie to me"? However, because I know that God doesn't lie or deceive us, I had to ask myself whether the words I heard had really come from God at all.

"But any prophet who fakes it, who claims to speak in my name something I haven't commanded him to say, or speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet must die. You may be wondering among yourselves, 'How can we tell the difference, whether it was God who spoke or not?' Here's how: If what the prophet spoke in God's name doesn't happen, then obviously God wasn't behind it; the prophet made it up. Forget about him." Deuteronomy 18:20-22 (the Message)

So, after several weeks of being mad at God it has become abudantly clear that I did not hear Him speak these words. I was so eager to make Him speak to me, the enemy filled in and caused me to hear these lies.

All of this made me realize that I have not been seeking God the way I had originally intended. I was beginning to try and make God's will look like mine. I was trying to mold Him into something that would suit my needs and wants, and I forgot entirely about the desire I had to learn about His needs and wants of me. I decided that I needed to take action to get back onto the path of the journey I had originally started. The journey to know God better, and to live a life that would be pleasing to Him.

I admit that there is a part of me that believes that I needed to come to this realization before God would bless us with more children. I am not doing all these things for that purpose though. I am happy to see where it takes us, but I don't want to allow my dreams to blind me of God's will for me.

The journey continued when I read a blog about a youth pastor and his wife who had to recently confess a dark sin to their church, friends and family. There were consequences of this sin, however in confessing it they are now able to make steps towards restoration and healing. Reading her blog inspired me, and suddenly I felt that it was important that I confess a few things myself. I emailed her with my confession, and then went on to write about it in what has become my testimony.

I then went to talk to the pastor of my church and his wife last week. I had a few questions for them, and they answered them to the best of their ability. I made my confession to them as well, and also to two close friends. My pastor encouraged me to share my testimony and confession with my Bible study group - and I hope to do that this week.

I also asked him if there was ever a reason for anyone to be "re-baptised". There is actually an account in the Bible where a group of people who were baptised by John the Baptist were re-baptised after the Holy Spirit was sent to Earth after Jesus' resurrection. So, it is not unheard of. I asked my pastor if I could be re-baptised. For years I have been disappointed under the circumstances for which I got baptised. I want to make a statement publicly to declare my confession of my faith to God, and I want to make it right. He supported my request, and we are making plans to have a full immersion baptism in December. I am STOKED!

So that is where I am at right now. I am slowly making amends with God so that I can get back on track in growing in Him. I may not always succeed in trying to obey His will for my life, but I do hope that I have learned something about not trying to enforce my will on Him. There is a long way to go before there will be complete healing, but I have definately been feeling a lot better in the last few days.

All that being said, I do believe that we will be blessed with more children. I don't know when, or by what means, but I definately do not think that our family is yet complete.

A Journey

I'll post more about this yet, but I just wanted to say that I have begun a journey to spiritual healing. <---- Looking back on what I just wrote I have to stop and laugh at myself - did I truly just write that?! I used to hear other people say things like that, and thought "what in the world does that mean?". Now that I am writing it myself it seems sort of humorous, and at the same time I am so glad that I've come this far in my faith. The journey has begun with a confession, the writing of my testimony, and a big decision to make. More to come regarding all of this... but let me just tell you, it's exciting to see the light at the end of this particular tunnel!

And for anyone who might be getting all excited that this has to do with being pregnant, it doesn't - I am not pregnant.

23 Months!

I cannot believe that my baby is going to be TWO next month! In the meantime, he is 23 months, and I am absolutely having a blast with him! James is an extremely likeable kid. Of course that seems natural for every parent to say, but we have been told so many times by so many people that we now firmly believe that it's true. People just love our little James - and hopefully we can train him not to be prideful, but to use this "people magnet" ability for Jesus.

<----- Getting goofy with Uncle Matt.
James is a smarty pants, and uses mostly full sentences to talk to us now. He still mostly says "you" when he means "me" though. So, he will say "You want milk please?" instead of "I want milk please?". We are working on it though. With some help he can say the alphabet, and count to twenty. I am so proud of him! He is pretty good at recognizing things that are grouped in twos and threes. For example, if there are two school buses in a parking lot he will say "Two school buses". He also knows how to get to both sets of grandma and grandpa's homes, Auntie Robin's house, Auntie Terri's house, and Mama Bartel's house (our new neighbours). When we turn down the street to any of these people's homes, he will immediately tell us. Or, if he sees a different car turn down that road he will say something like "Red truck going to Grandma's house!".
He loves cars, trucks and trains. His favourite toy vehicles are a firetruck and a school bus. I think we will do a firetruck theme for his birthday this year. He also loves his kitties, and always asks them to come outside with him when we let him out. They obediently follow him, and run after him. It's terrible cute!
James is also practices good hygiene. He loves to brush his teeth, to the point where he has his own toothbrush and paste at his grandparent's house. He also loves to wash his hands, ("WITH SOAP"), and I can often find him in the bathroom on his stool washing his hands. He loves bathtime as well, and really enjoys it when I draw pictures on his tummy with his foaming soap. He will also pick up things from the floor, call it garbage and ask to throw it away. He has pooped once on the little potty, but isn't interested in potty training yet. I'm not in a panic with it. In fact, I'd prefer that he be in diapers for our trip to Hawaii this year. It would be almost impossible to be in the middle of potty training on a trip like that!
James finds praying to be humorous. When we ask him to say "Amen" with us, he will bow his head and tightly close his eyes, looking up every few seconds to see if we're still praying. When we're done and say "amen" he will always join in with a big "AMEN!" - after which we usually have to applaud. At night when we pray we usually talk about all the things we did during that day and thank God for them. James is getting good at remembering things we did, and talking about them. His favourite thing to talk about is walking with Auntie Robin and Jaxson.
James is becoming an avid singer and dancer. He can frequently be heard singing the theme song for "Toopi & Binoo", as well as a song from "Yo, Gabba Gabba" that goes "stay still... stay still... wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, GO, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, GO!". He will also sing "skitta merinky dinky dink", but will usually wait for me to sing it and then chime in with "I LOVE YOU!".
My favourite thing to wake up to in the morning is going into James' room and hearing him say "Hi mommy!". It is so special to me that he knows me, and that he loves to see me come into his room in the morning. At those moments I am reminded to pray for all the parents who have kidnapped and abducted children, and who walk into an empty room each morning wondering about their children. I can't imagine how they must feel.
I could say so much more, but I will leave it at that for now. I'll try to save a few things for the big TWO year-old post I'll be doing in a month!

Things I'm Lovin'!

These two CDs are my FAVOURITE right now! They play all day in my house, in the car, on my iPOD - wherever I go, I'm listening to them.

These Pringles Stix Pizza flavour are my new favourite snack. They are less than 90 calories per pack - meaning I eat about 3 packs a day. Better than smoking 3 packs a day! Haha!

My (faux) pearl necklace and earrings. Something just feels classy and elegant about wearing pearls. I bought these for my grandma's wedding.

Our half-decent family photo (my family). From left to right: my brother Matt, my dad, my mom with James, Ryan and myself. Our last family photo was taken... well, before James was born!

These nifty soups in a drinkable cup are awesome. James doesn't give me any time to eat during the day, so with this I can run after him and eat too.
James isn't super picky, but when I can't think of what to make for him, or if we are going to a non-kid-food restaurant, I know he will gobble these meals up! Even the veggies!
I got my brother to bring James this playmat from IKEA. James loves it, and I think it's really cute.
My new "photo shelves" - I stole the idea from my friend Terrilee. I love it! The shelves and set of frames are from JYSK.
This new book, "3:16", by Max Lucado that my Bible study group is taking. We are only 1 chapter into it, but I am enjoying it immensely. It's so full of hope and joy.

Refined by Fire

Wow, the enemy has been seriously investing time in trying to run me down lately. Last night I was attacked with horrible thoughts of bad things happening to James, and all the while I was being bombarded by lies like, "God didn't save your babies, so He certainly isn't going to protect James either", "Bad things happen to good people, and bad things are just going to keep happening to you no matter what you do, say, or how much you pray". I tried to pray, but I just felt like I couldn't think past the negative thoughts. I was trying to call out to God, but it almost felt like someone was holding my mouth closed. I kept hearing more lies, things like "If you didn't believe in God, things would be easier. You wouldn't blame anything but nature for the miscarriages. When you believe in God it just makes things like this more disappointing because you expect that this 'God' is going to help you, and He doesn't. If you didn't have so much faith in God, you wouldn't have to spend so much time worrying about your loved ones who don't believe. Remember, praying doesn't help anything. Believing in God just makes you think that bad things are happening to you because you've done something bad. If you didn't believe in God, you wouldn't be worried about that". It just kept coming and coming until I couldn't take it anymore, and just said "Satan, get out of here!". I finally fell asleep, and woke up feeling rested but my soul felt weary. The only person I was able to get a hold of right away was Rebekah (thank goodness!). I was so glad to be able to talk to someone, and get my feelings out. She was able to pray with me, and I feel much better now. I have never felt this way before - where I feel like I'm trying to talk to God, but getting no response. Usually it's the other way around for me, where I purposely let God slide out of my life, and when I try to talk to Him, He is right there waiting for me. Maybe this is one of those times where I look back and see just one set of footsteps, and although they feel like they are mine and I'm walking alone, maybe it's actually that He is REALLY carrying me right now. I don't really know what I am feeling right now, but I know that I'm not alone. I know that God loves and cares for me, and that I will get through this. I know that He has a great plan for me, and I truly believe that this is why I have to be "refined by the fire". No where does it say "you will be refined by happy things, and an easy life". No, we are going to be refined by FIRE. So I think I'm being refined, but for what? I sure am looking forward to the day that I find out!

"'I have refined you, but not as silver is refined (in fire). Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.'" Isaiah 48:10

Somebody has been Praying!

I can feel your prayers. I truly, truly can. And somebody has very specifically chosen to pray for James - that he would be an extra good boy. listen to mommy, and that he would sleep well at night while I am feeling low. It's the only explanation for the amazing boy he has been for the last few days! Well, that and he IS an incredibly good boy - but not usually THIS good! He's just been a joy to be with, and makes me smile and laugh non-stop. Thank you!

Breaking Down

For the last two days I feel myself breaking down. I have an unbearable urge to cry, but even when I try to let the tears out they won't come. What is this feeling? I've been blaming it on shifting hormones, because I know that they are just starting to go back to normal now. I got myself on with an obstetrician, and I hope she will help shed some light on things as we potentially venture into pregnancy number 5. My family Dr. provided with me with all the reports from all 3 miscarriages to give to the OB. I read them the other day... and was fascinated. According to the report, we DID lose twins in January. That was never made clear to me, but the ultrasound report confirms that there were "two fetal poles present in the womb, suggesting an early twin pregnancy". I cried while reading the reports, because those papers felt like the only tangible evidence that all those little lives existed. It was like those papers were my babies, and I could finally hold them. It made me sad when I realized what a collection of "paper babies" I had. I sort of feel like the grieving of this last miscarriage is happening really slowly compared to the others. I keep thinking that I'm over it, and then suddenly I find myself entering a new stage of grief. I know that some of this is because I am still ticked off at God, and haven't been talking to Him much yet. It still really stings when I see other mom's pregnancy tickers, and pregnant women around. I am happy for them, but my heart yearns in an inexplicable manner to be in their shoes. Once that maternal urge for a baby hits, it is almost like a drug addiction (I shouldn't use this as a comparison, because I've never been addicted to drugs). It seems I can't think about much else but the desire to have a sibling for James. I am content knowing it is not in my control, and at peace with the idea that we could lose another baby - I am just not content or at peace with not being pregnant right now, because I AM SUPPOSED TO BE! I know that this is pretty raw stuff, and I am laying my heart down right here on this computer screen - but it feels like if I don't I'm just going to explode. My friends have heard so much of this already, so at least if I write it here you have the choice to read it or not, and I don't feel guilty about venting (which I obviously do feel guilty about, because I feel the need to make a comment about it). Sometimes I am just weird!
I really love this picture of James by the way. I felt I should add it, just so that there is some sunshine in this very dreary post. He always has something cute to say, but my latest favourite was when I came down the stairs the other day while he was watching cartoons. I asked "What are you watching?". James said "Bob and Bill". Unsure of what show that was, I went to look at the screen and he was watching "Bob the Builder"! Hahaha!

Crummy!

So Much to Say!

Wow! It feels like it has been a long time since I've blogged. Maybe it's just because there has been a lot going on.
The big house painting project is nearly done. With the exception of a few minor things that need to get done, it looks fantastic! You can view some of the before and after photos here.

This week was very nice, with many sunny days to spend outside. My best friend Robin and I took our two little boys out to a farm and did a photoshoot with them. The photos turned out great - some of you have already seen them on my Facebook album. Here is the link for the rest of you if you want to see them (the one of James by the car is part of that photoshoot, I didn't want to put them on here, as I already had them on Facebook).

Many things have been on my mind lately. I've been challenged in my faith on many different levels this week. God has such a neat way of teaching us, especially through others. I've been challenged this week to:

Pray differently - I get so caught up in "ask and ye shall receive", that I forget to pray "Thy will be done". I really want to start focusing my prayers on thanking God for what He has given, praise Him for what He is going to do, and stop spending so much time trying to convince Him that I know what those things are!

Use my heart not my ears - Lately I've been spending a lot of time trying to hear God. I've been making such an effort to hear Him audibly speaking, that I've stopped hearing the "still small voice"! I've also been spending so much time listening for God to answer my questions, that I haven't been noticing Him subtly pointing out the answers. I've been self-absorbed in my problems, and without knowing it I made a nice open door for satan to feed me lies. I was so eager to hear God speaking that satan stepped in and started feeding me the answers I wanted from God. This lead me to believe that God had deceived me, when in fact, I hadn't even been hearing from God in the first place. I have learned two new things: "evil will come like a wolf in sheep's clothing", and when God speaks I'm SURE I'll know it!

Get into the Word - I am not a good Bible reader. I've been getting better at doing daily devotions, but after the last miscarriage that went down the tubes. I'm back at it again, but I still find it difficult to use the Bible as my sword to fight off daily attacks. I want to get better at that. I want my Biblical knowledge to be sharp, so I can use the Word and speak the Word more. My aunt gave me some really good insight about God's Word this week. I was telling her about how I wanted to hear more from God, and how I was mad at Him for deceiving me (see above), particularly in regards to the miscarriages, and how I thought He had told me the babies were going to make it. She reminded me that I can't expect God to just speak to me audibly all the time - there are times when the answers are right in front of me, and God wants me to go to His Word to find them. God gave us His Word for a REASON, not just as another means by which to fill our time when we're bored. The Word are His chosen promises for us, and we should look to it often. I want also to really start praying the Word, and claiming it's promises. I haven't done this much, and I need to. I believe that this can and will change my life, but I have to be diligent.

Fight off fears - Many diseases, and problems with the human body can be traced back to fear and anxiety. I would usually say that I am not a person who is very fearful. However, I believe that some spirit of fear (in regards to having children) has been lurking around me. My blog also became private because of a fear of losing James, or having him be victim to some kind of abuse - even if it was only his photos. I've probably been watching too much Without A Trace, and Law & Order: SVU. (Perhaps I need to be more convicted about watching shows like this?) These fears have been manifesting in me, and although they may be justified, I don't want to live under them. "God has not given us a spirit of fear", "If God is for us, than who can be against us?". I want to start getting rid of these fears, and allow God to completely rule my thoughts. This is a big task, and not an overnight one at that! Wish me luck on this journey!

ONE MORE DAY

Hi everyone! Thank you to everyone who has emailed me to be on the "safe list". Upon someone's suggestion, I am going to hold off on going private until Saturday night. That way people who leave their blog browsing until the weekend have a chance to get on the list before I go "missing". I am not going to set up a separate blog, so I hope everyone gets on - or has a way to contact me to get onto the list if they get missed. I am looking forward to the privacy, although I really wanted other moms who have experienced miscarriages to be able to find me. Well, James comes first - so I will just have to find another way to reach out to those other women, or just pray that they've already found me! Thanks again everyone! To get on the list, please email me by clicking on the tab above that says "Email Me".