James' New Hat

Smiley James

Just had to post this picture of a little James' grin. He asks that you ignore his nasty baby acne.

One Year Ago

One year ago today, Ryan and I found out that our little precious baby had died in my womb. It was probably the worst day of my life. I will never forget the pain, and the sadness of losing that life inside me. However, looking back, I can see how God used that event to shape my life - and the life of others. He has a divine plan for all of us, and though we don't always understand why things happen the way they do, we don't get to see the big picture. One day we will see exactly why these things happened in our lives. For now, we rejoice in the life that we now get to enjoy! Today I remember the little life that was our Baby Plett. We loved that little life, the one we never got to meet face to face. I'll be wearing this diamond cross today, that I bought last year to remember my baby.

Baby Plett,

Your daddy and I love you. We miss you, and we look forward to meeting you in Heaven. We just want you to know that you are not forgotten. You were a part of our lived for such a short time, but the footprints you left with last forever. We love you.

Mommy, Daddy & brother James

Phew! We Made It!

Hello from Maui, Hawaii everyone! We made it! You guys must have prayed hard, because everything went incredibly well. There were a few stressful moments - 2 hour delay inVancouver, missed connecting flight from Honolulu to Maui, getting onto different flight, lost passports somewhere in between... but we're here, and it is lovely. James was a star traveller - sleeping almost the whole time. He had one landing where his ears seemed to be bothering him, but other than that he did perfect! So far things are great here. The weather is lovely, and I feel mostly happy and relaxed. Things "down there" are still giving me some discomfort though, so I'm hoping that clears up in the next day or two - or else I may have to go see a doctor. How is everyone doing? How was your Christmas? Here is a picture for you... see you soon! Aloha! Oh, you can check out where we are staying here.

James & I on our "lanai" (balcony).

P.S. James has had a few instances of projectile spit up (this has happened 2 or 3 times in the past 2 weeks). Should I be very concerned? He is generally a spitter-upper, but these bigger ones worry me.

Another Quick Update

Hey everyone! Just wanted to give you one more quick little update, and more prayer requests. I went to the Dr. yesterday with my hubby, and it seems I have some type of infection that is causing more bleeding. Also, after a long discussion about my mental health, she decided to put me on some VERY mild anti-depressants. Seems I am a wee bit postpartum depressant. So... I'm feeling a little better, but I am popping all kinds of pills, and still a little anxious about our travels. I know that I can count on you for prayers, so I am reaching out once again to ask you for some. I need a few miracles. I need healing. I need rest. I need to trust God fervently, with my life, with my child, with everything. Please think of us, as we think of all of you this Christmas season. I will try to make a few posts once we are out there.

James Kennedy - one month old already!

With love, peace and joy to you - may you be richly blessed this Christmas season as we celebrate the birth of our Saviour! Hallelujah!

Update

James asleep in his Baby Bjorn carrier.

Just a quick update: Things are going pretty well over here. We still have no real schedule, but James seems to eat about every 3 hours during the day (give or take), and 4 hours at night (give or take). Lately he is really fussy in the evenings, so I'm trying to learn what makes him happier at that time. Sleep helps me cope and feel more normal, so when he sleeps - I sleep. That is why I blog so little these days! He also really loves the swing he got from his grandma and grandpa Kroeker for (early) Christmas! He is in it right now, and has been asleep for an hour. Too bad it runs on batteries, if anyone wants to get us something for Christmas, get us D size batteries!!! I'm getting really excited, but also VERY nervous for our trip. We leave on Monday, fly to Vancouver, stay overnight and then fly to Maui. If you want to pray for us that would be MUCH appreciated. I'm mostly worried about feeding him in the airport and the plane. I just hope he eats well and sleeps lots! Merry Christmas to all of you, and a happy new year. Can you believe it? Last year we were mourning the loss of our baby, and this year we have one! God is good - faithful - and He will answer your prayers, you just have to wait sometimes. With all my love... Heather.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can...

... I think I can do it! I believe I've come over the greatest of the hormonal hurdles, and finally this weekend I felt like things were beginning to look a lot brighter.

We went on a trip to the city yesterday, leaving right after James ate around 10:30am. Ryan went to the Chiropractor - so James and I stayed in the car, although James didn't like it when the car stopped. I had to rock his carseat for him. Then we went to an appointment with the Dr. for James and I. He is doing just great! In two weeks he has gained over a pound, putting him at 9lbs 4ozs. I definately thought he was feeling heavier! His health is good, and he is strong. He is also slightly above average in length. Don't know where he got height from - certainly not from his daddy or me. Anyway, I'm also doing well. I asked the Dr. all kinds of things, and it looks like I am, indeed, totally normal and healthy. So that gave me a big boost of confidence. After the appointment we headed to the mall, where I fed James in the truck in the parking lot. Then we went in and daddy took James around in his stroller while I shopped. It was fun! I got all my little shopping things done, which felt great. And then, it was back home through a little bit of a blizzard - just in time for James to eat again.

Last night was good too. He ate at 9:30 I think, got a bath, and then slept until 3:30am! Wow! So I fed him, and then we slept until 8:30am! Can you believe that? He really has fallen into a schedule of eating and then falling asleep. He would usually stay awake for awhile, but these last two days he just wants to sleep. I am, of course, worried as to why he is suddenly sleeping so much. Hahaha! Just when I want him to do something and he does it, then I worry about why he is doing it! Anyway, it was nice to get more sleep last night, as we have a family gathering today and tomorrow. Thankfully both are here at home, at our parent's places. So, we don't have to drive far, and we can be comfortable. Then it's just nine days until we leave for Hawaii. I'm slowly getting more excited for it - and trying not to be too stressed. All I have to do is keep PRAYING, trusting God, trusting myself and then thinking "I think I can, I think I can..."

James' first tub bath!

All clean and cozy.

No Lies

I've had numerous responses to my last post from women who are saying "Thank goodness I'm normal" - after hearing that I DON'T feel normal after James has arrived. I decided I would post again about it, even though it is hard for me to admit that I still don't feel like I have naturally fallen into my motherhood role - and that I have to admit that I don't always LOVE it.

I feel better, and my hormones seem to be relaxing now - so that helps. At least I'm not crying all of the time anymore. However, I still feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere without a map! I worry about every peep James makes. My latest worry is about his schedule. Should I just let him do his own thing? Should I be keeping him awake after eating? I always feel like I should have a nurse or pediatrician next to me at all times, so I can just turn to them and say "Look, is that normal?". I thought that being a mom would be very natural for me, and I would just fall into the role and be all calm, cool and collected. Um, nope. Reality check. I apparently love my little boy more than anything on earth - and that basically makes a person crazy. Yes, crazy. I call my friends and my mom, and the public health nurse, almost daily. I have something to ask constantly. "His bum is pink - is that diaper rash? What do I do?". "He is fussing more than usual today, is he okay?". "He was up again every hour at night - is he getting enough to eat?". "His poop is SOOOOOO runny - is that diahrea?". This is my new life. It's a nut house!

I've also recently learned that I have an overactive letdown reflex. This means that my milk comes down really fast and hard (and it hurts), and James struggles to gulp it all down. This makes his little tummy hurt, and makes his poop explosive and runny. Ick. So, I am now trying to feed him 2-3 times in a row on one breast - and then the same with the other. Hopefully there will be some results. And I can't just throw him onto my breast and hope that he eats. It is a production every single time. I need my nursing pillow, my top mostly off, breast fully exposed... needless to say I am a little nervous for the shopping trip I am planning to make on Friday. I can only hope and pray that I find a place where I can feed him (apparently there is a great nursing room on the 2nd floor in Sears). This is also making me nervous for our vacation which is coming up in 12 days. Will he nurse okay in the airport or on the plane? Oh help!

And should I even mention my own healing process? I worry about that too. I'm still bleeding. I wanted to be one of those women who was all better in 4 weeks. I think I will definately be needing the full 6 weeks. That sucks, because I desperately want to resume a "relationship" with my hubby - but it's slow going it seems. Things still hurt sometimes, and feel uncomfortable. I guess I need only to look at James and realize that I pushed him OUT of there a mere 3 weeks ago. But I just want to feel "normal" again - even "down there". I also have had almost no appetite, which is weird because I'm breastfeeding. But today I actually got to have breakfast! Yay! And, I have lost more than half of the weight I gained.

But I can say that despite all this - there is no lack of love. The love is abundant and over-flowing. When I see my husband holding that little baby, I'm in heaven. When I look at that little face as he nurses, I think to myself that there is nothing more beautiful. I am in love with James, and being his mom - but so far, I am not in love with motherhood.

P.S. I feel really bad that I don't have time to leave many comments anymore. However, I DO check all of your blogs, and I miss you. Hopefully things will become more scheduled one of these days (ya, right) and I will have more time to let you all know that I am thinking of you.

Who are you - and where is Heather?

I am definately not the same person I was 2 1/2 weeks ago! I have been having some baby blues this week - and longing to feel like the old Heather. It's a pretty tough transition from the Chamber of Commerce committee member, out-and-about, trips to the city person I was a few weeks ago - to the flabby mom who is stuck inside with a baby on her breast. I'm NOT complaining - just longing for the norm. I'm told it will come yet, but for now I feel a little bit lost in my new role. I worry a lot. I also feel a little tense sometimes - hoping I'm doing the right thing at the right time, etc., etc. Can anyone relate? It's sort of hard to explain exactly what I am feeling. I thought I would easily slip into the role as mom very quickly and naturally - but it hasn't been that quick or that natural! Feeding is going good, but I still have occasional breast pain. It got checked by the Doc yesterday, and all is well. James now weighs 8lbs 8ozs! It's nice to know he's growing. But there is lots of good in all of this too. See pics below to see what I mean... the last one is my favourite!

Miss You Guys

Hey everyone! I just wanted to say that I miss you guys - and reading about what's going on in your lives, and hearing your comments about things going on in my life. HOWEVER, I am loving my job as a new mom. I can't tear myself away from my little gift from God - he is just beautiful. So, as much as I am missing you, I am happy and we are doing well. I am taking better care of myself, and I am noticeably feeling much better. I do wonder how I am going to get back into my old jeans though! Any tummy toning tips for me? James has finally gotten his days and nights figured out - so instead of being up every hour at night, we are only up two times. That is really nice! He had a big shower at his grandma Kroeker's on Sunday, and we received many beautiful gifts. Thank you to all those who could be there. This week we are just going to hide away at home and relax. In a few weeks we leave on vacation, so I'm hoping we will be ready to go by then. We are much looking forward to the vacation, and daddy will be there to help us for the full two weeks! Yay! Talk to you all very soon. God bless you - and I'll try to post some new pictures soon.