Pic Post

James Kennedy:

James never ceases to amaze us with his vocabulary, imagination, energy, and enthusiasm. He loves art, cars, and just imagining things all day long. He is excited to start preschool in the fall - though I don't know if I'm ready for that, and have many concerns that he will be unable to focus - he is ALWAYS moving! He is hilarious, charming, sensitive, mischiveous, and did I mention hilarious?! Hopefully soon this little acrobat will learn to listen and obey...

Rayya Katherine Faith:

This little beauty is almost 10 months old! She crawls, she sports 4 teeth (make that 5 as of two days later) and several more on the way, she smiles A LOT, wins the heart of all who meet her, will eat only table food, wants to walk and talk, never ceases to bring sunshine... but still does not sleep through the night.

I Don't Miss Blogging

I miss my blogger friends a lot lately. I miss the days of posts with tonnes of comments and lots of "chatter". But those days have sort of slipped away, and I find myself enjoying the freedom I have in NOT blogging as much! At first I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep up after I had Rayya - you know, all the monthly updates and stuff. I felt I had to do it for her, for you, and to keep things "fair" because I blogged about every single month of James' entire first, what, 18 or more months of life?! I can't do it anymore, and I think I finally and successfully feel completely comfortable blogging only when I want and need to - and not because I feel I have to. All that being said, I do miss the good 'ol days of blogging. I do catch up on your blogs every now and again, and have often been surprised at the arrival of new babies, new homes, new adventures! So know that I'm still reading, and hopefully one day I can get back to my diligent updates here at My Quest Through Motherhood. Motherhood is busy - and right now my quest to get through it doesn't involve making time for the blog.

Hiding

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as open, honest and vulnerable as I am. Lately, I've had a strange desire to sort of just disappear for awhile. Not from my family, but from absolutely everything else. I wish we could just pack up, and move somewhere else - just temporarily. I'd love it if Ryan didn't have to work, and we could just hide out somewhere as a family and be TOGETHER. Uninterrupted. Without a schedule. Without things that need to be done, or have to be done. I am longing for something simpler - no TV, no computer, no outside world. I'm not one of those that can cut those out of my life without completely removing them from my sight. If the TV is there, James will watch it sometimes. If the computer is there, I'll use it. And so on... I've just been feeling overwhelmed by the speed of life. I want to slow down, but I don't know how to do that in my own home, when life just keeps going as it always does.

And I want to hide myself a little too. All of a sudden, I feel really naked. Most of the time I feel comfortable in my openness, but lately I feel like I want to hide myself. I wish that when people talked, I didn't feel like I had to contribute or even know how they feel about things. I wish that I could go places, and be anonymous. I wish I could focus on my inside, and not be so intent on getting what's inside to come out. I don't really bottle things at all. Sometimes I wish I knew how. I wish I was more mysterious, more interesting. I need to build a special vacuum cleaner that can just suck back in all the things I've let out. All my secrets, garbage, feelings, etc. I'd jsut be curious to see what kind of person I'd be then. Would I be more stable, or completely nuts? Would I function better, or would I be a basket case? Would the outside world see me as strong, or dysfunctional? Interesting thought. And how would my friends feel? Would I even have any? What makes me a good friend? What are the things that make me a bad friend?

Just some thoughts on my mind today.

A New Suit

I am certainly no bathing suit model - but you know you picked the right suit when you dare to post a photo while wearing it! This beautiful suit came in the mail after I ordered it from Lime Ricki (http://www.limericki.com/). I saw a review of a one piece suit on SIMPLE, and decided to check out the site. Wow! I love these suits! Sure, they may not be for everyone - but I find it pretty tough to find a bathing suit that doesn't make me want to hide in the shadows. I like to be covered, and held in. I like to NOT pick out wedgies, and I like to know that the "girls" are stuck in place. These are hard qualities to find in a bathing suit and especially one that is still cute & kinda sexy!
So anyway, I checked out the suits. I love tankinis, but since having babies, my belly is no longer something that should be seen by the public. Most tankinis still show a little midsection - and mine, well, it's more like showing off the spare tire! I like to keep it hidden! These tankini tops are awesome! They are extra long, and completely cover your belly - as well as staying down and not riding up. The best things were the boy short option, which I love, and also the PRICE! I got a 10% off coupon code from SIMPLE, and it's available till the end of May. I totally love the suit (just for the sake of others wanting to order, I am wearing a medium top, and large bottoms). I totally and highly recommend these suits. I love the one pieces too, but I'll stick with one for now!

Old-Fashioned Girls

I love old-fashioned little girls. Do you know they type that I mean? I'm talking about the kind of little girls that love pink, dress-up dresses, and painting their fingernails. I'm talking about little girls who like to learn and pretend to cook, play with dolls, be "the mom", and look after the littler kids. I'm talking about little girls who love babies, and want to hold them and play with them. I'm talking about little girls who like cats, and when they talk to you they look you in the eye with a twinkle. I'm talking about little girls who show respect, are soft, kind, and tell funny stories about all the crafts they made over Spring Break. These are the old-fashioned little girls that I love!

I know three of these old-fashioned girls, and yesterday I met three more. Their innocence and adoration for my little Rayya brought tears to my eyes. It's a lost art - raising good girls. And it's hard these days to do it. Society has painted them a picture of something so contrary to the "old-fashioned" little girls of yesterday. They are supposed to be into boys, loud music, and sexy clothes long before their 10th birthday. They hang out at the mall, scoping out members of the opposite sex, buying make-up and talking about dirty things before they even truly know the consequences of getting into any of that kind of thing.

I want to raise Rayya as a good girl. I want her to be all the things I mentioned above - the things that good, old-fashioned girls are. I want her to love being outside. I want her to love her family, and her friends. I want her to love herself. I want her to love Jesus. I pray, pray, pray that in this ugly world, where Satan attacks the innocence of little girls, that I can raise one who will rise above all that - and be proud to be old-fashioned.

Dare to Compare - 8 Months

No, this photo wasn't staged. As soon as I looked at this photo of Ryan and Rayya, I knew we had a photo similar to this with Ryan and James - it was one of my favourite photos of them, and James just happened to also be 8 months in that picture. Funny hey?!

Can't Think of a Good Title

Hey folks. It's me. I know I haven't written much lately, and there are reasons. Some that I can't talk about, some that I won't talk about, some that I want to talk about but have no idea where to start, or where to end. Let's just say that I'm dealing with a few different life issues right now.
It's not been easy, fun, or even the least bit helpful. I don't even know entirely where I'm going with this post except to say that I hope "Heather" will be back soon. A lot of the Heather I once was has sort of been lost... some parts of Heather have been a little injured... some parts of Heather is in hiding. I'm hoping that I'm growing. I'm hoping that I'm learning. I'm hoping I'm being equipped, and that I'm not just fading away. I'm hoping that the fire is simply refining me.
What I'm desperately grasping to and holding onto for dear life is my sweet Saviour, Jesus. Wow, I am so glad He is forgiving and merciful. I need that these days. Someone to just love me, love me, love me. I'm hanging on to Him, and my little family.
I'm just hugging them tighter, loving them deeper, enjoying them further, and trying to soak in every single second of each of them - Ryan, James and Rayya. They really are all I need in my life... and Jesus... but on earth, I just need them. Sometimes there are aspects of all three of them that play into some of my... issues. However, at the end of the day they are all still there, and they all still love me and need me. Right now, I cling to that. So, thanks for stopping by here even though I've had so little to say. I have so much to say, but it's all stuck inside my head right now. Perhaps one day I'll be better able to explain it! My love to you all!

8 Months & 3 1/2 Years

Just a brief glimpse of a moment in a day with an 8 month old and a 3 1/2 year old!

James' Knock-Knock Joke

(in case you didn't catch it all)

James: Knock, knock...

Me: Who's there?

James: Rayya.

Me: Rayya who?

James: Rayya swallowed Ina. Then Ina didn't know what to do! And then she saw that everyone had disappeared, and then she saw a light but it disappeared and she didn't know what to do!

Sleep & Stuff

After my last sleep-related post both the kids came down with a super awful cold. They were both congested, sneezing, coughing, fever... it was not fun. At least I could give James cough medicine! Rayya on the other hand really just had to suffer through it, with about a hundred nose wipes a day (one day she sneezed, which resulted in both nostrils blowing huge shnot bubbles, both of which burst at the same time, and completely slimed her face with shnot). I also made good use of the nasal aspirator, Vaporub, the vaporiser, and saline nose spray. It was one crazy week, but we made it through. And during that whole week, Rayya slept through the night almost perfectly - 7pm to 7am. And then she got better...
The nights haven't been too bad, except last night Rayya was up (and HAPPY as a clam) from 1:00am until almost 4:00am! This isn't horrible I guess... but I almost wish she'd cry. If she would cry, then I could let her cry it out until she got tired and went back to sleep. When she's happy, I can leave her be, but her happy noises keep me up! Then she just continues to get more and more wired until I finally have to go in and help her fall asleep, or at least go in 5-10 times to reinsert her soother to get her to calm down and fall asleep again. This is not a great trend, so I hope she's nearly done with the late night crib parties.
So, we continue to work through the sleep issues. I just don't know exactly what to do... because she isn't waking up unhappy in the night. She isn't getting any bottles all night. She just simply is waking up... so then what?

Bringing Back the Pain

When those near to me hurt, I hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually feeling their true pain - if God has given me some kind of gift to literally and physically carry other's burdens. One burden I know all too well is the burden and heartache of losing a baby. A baby that was wanted, loved from the moment it was conceived, longed for, worked for, dreamed of... it hurts so much to walk again through those memories. When I hear my friends spilling their hearts about their feelings during a miscarriage - it all comes flooding back. The bitter, angry, sad, tired tears that I cried. Wondering where God was in it all, and the primary question of "why? why? why?". Why my babies? Why my friend's babies? Why? Beautiful mothers, good mothers, Christ-fearing mothers (and fathers too)... why can't they have the babies their heart's so desire? Why the giving and then taking away? For what purpose?

In the last few months I've had three of my closest friends lose babies. It feels so unfair. I would have done anything to have been able to protect them from that pain... and now all of them are walking in it. And you know what? It doesn't matter how many miscarriages I've had, or how much I can relate to how they feel, I still feel inadequate. I still don't know what to say or do - because nothing can change what's happened. I know all the things to NOT say, which is great. But there really are no words that can make it better. Even the peace in knowing that those babies are happy, healthy and whole living in Heaven doesn't take the earthly pain away. Not right away.

My heart is heavily burdened today. My heart aches. And for all the many more of you who know the pain I'm talking about... I'm so sorry. Today I'm carrying with me just a little bit of that pain for all of you. I'm praying for you, and I am sending out a hug to each of you.

Sleep Experiment - Nights Six & Seven

Are you bored of these posts yet? Well, one of you out there must have prayed for us, because the last two nights have been much better. James is still super sick, and now Rayya is coughing and has a fever too. Thankfully, the fits of coughing through the night don't seem to be keeping them awake - and perhaps being sick is helping them sleep. I've only had to get up for Rayya once a night for the last two nights, and not at all for James. I have been doing the Vaporub on the feet thing for him, and tonight I did it on Rayya. They both napped pretty good today too, so if we can get through this virus (I took them to the Dr. today and she said it seems to just be a virus) in one piece, maybe some of the sleep issues will also be resolved. One can only hope.
Don't miss the post below about my latest fall, and the resulting bruise...

Evolution of a Bruise

Copying my friend Nicole's post about her bruise (don't miss the latest post about it here), I decided I'd share mine with you - because it's a beauty! This lovely bruise was the result of me taking a tumble off our neighbours' trampoline. Well, not so much the trampoline as their wobbly, fixed-yet-crooked step stool to get on and off the trampoline. I was coming off the trampoline onto the step stool, and suddenly I lost all control of balance and grace. I fell onto the stool which fell onto it's side, and planted my butt firmly into the ground. My tailbone also does not feel good. Anyway, I didn't really think too much of it after my initial inspection, but the next day it looked like this... (please try your best to shield your eyes against the pastey whiteness)

Then day 3 after the fall (almost X-rated)...

And then day four...

Sleep Experiment - Night Five

Isn't it fun to have a glimpse into someone else's nighttime catastrophies? Not because you take joy in my suffering, but because it makes you feel normal for all the times that you have felt like something about your life totally sucks. Yes? Well, as I sit here eating slices of pepperoni leftover from pizza night on Saturday, I find myself hoping that someone out there reading this is nodding their head in understanding. Last night was horrible.

I don't know what happened - last night was supposed to be the 'good' night. Alas, it did not happen that way. First of all, James is horribly sick. He has a fever, major nasal congestion, a runny nose that is constantly smeared all over his face and sleeves, and one of the worst coughs he has ever had. The cough sounds horrible - and it's nearly constant. I feel horrible for him. His eyes are watery and bloodshot from coughing so much. The last two days I've had him maxed out on his cough medication intake. Poor guy. He coughed through nearly the whole night last night, and that is my only guess for why Rayya was up so much. Twelve times. I got up for her twelve times. Twelve. Out of bed, into bed, out of bed, into bed, out of bed... and one time I was up for James, who had a coughing fit around 1:00am, which was exactly the hour for which I could give him another dose of cough syrup.

I do know that Rayya's gums look really swollen, and she isn't interested in her bottle much, which are two indicators that she may also be expecting some new teeth soon. She also bit me on the arm today - HARD - so that is likely a sign too! I also totally got James decked out for a good sleep, so hopefully that will help us to ALL sleep better tonight. He got some cough meds right before bed, Vaporub all over his chest, neck and back, and a vaporiser running in his room. I'm just praying he gets over this awful cold soon - it's breaking my heart to see him so unhappy!

Anyway, Rayya didn't need anything but soother reinsertions all night - but that still totally blows. Of course, she was up around 6:45am - and though she was quiet after I put her soother in one last time, I have no idea if she ever went back to sleep. She then had a too-short morning nap, and a too-short afternoon nap - so perhaps she will sleep soundly tonight. God knows I need to sleep to look after a fussy, teething baby and a very sick toddler!

On the bright side, while James took an extended afternoon nap, Rayya got decked out in new summer clothes and we hung out in the warm afternoon sun together. She ate a lot of grass.

Sleep Experiment - Nights Three & Four

The same trend has continued - one night on, one night off. On Friday Rayya remained on the new "schedule", and into bed by 7:00pm. It was a pretty good night, with only one or two wake-ups for the soother - I can't remember. Then last night was a bomb again, with a lot of waking up. At least I can be assured that tonight will likely be fairly decent. I don't really get this trend of good night / bad night. Nothing has changed, nothing is different... it just seems she can't have a good night two nights in a row! The more scheduled routine is nice though, and fits in nicely with giving her three meals a day - have I mentioned how she loves solids? So, we'll keep trying. The next step will be to just let her cry it out, and now that I have a sick kid I think I'll wait at least until he's better so that his sleep isn't interrupted. I'll let you know when I head into that little adventure... I think this girl is a little stronger-willed than her elder brother, and has a good set of lungs on her as well.

Sleep Experiment - Night Two

Yuck. That is how I will describe last night. Yuck. It was our worst night ever - since Rayya's birth, no lie. I don't know what happened. She followed along on the new routine nicely all day. Morning nap from 9:00am-10:30am, afternoon nap from 1:00am-3:00pm (though she woke up sporadically throughout), and then to bed around 7:00pm. She needed a little help to fall asleep, but that isn't unheard of (she just needs me to hold her hand). She was then out solid until about 1:00am, and then the fun began!

At 1:00am she just needed a soother reinsertion - okay, no big deal, we were actually still (sort of) awake. Then at 3:00am she woke up, and after that everything is a blur. She was happy and cooing, and I went in about 10 times to put her soother in. Eventually she got onto her belly and was all over the crib and then started crying. I went in two or three times to put her back onto her back, reinsert the soother, and walked out. Eventually she would start up crying again, so I just let her cry for awhile... felt like an hour, but I know it was only about 10 minutes. I was ticked, and I rather gruffly put her onto her back and said sternly "quiet NOW!". And she actually was (it was about 4:30am). I did now want to cave in and give her a bottle - though I knew that would have konked her out for the night. Of course, in true style of my children, she didn't make up for one second of lost sleep and was up bright-eyed and curly-tailed at 7:15am. Yuck.

She fought her morning nap too - so maybe it's not about the sleep. Let's see... what baby thing can I blame? Learning something new (sitting up), teething, over-tired, new introduction of food (mango), constipation? Who the "h" knows?! All I know is that this is one tired mommy. I can ONLY assume tonight will be better.

These are the parts of being a mom that I don't love. I don't like all the guessing, testing, trying, and changing. I seem to level out and really start to love being a mom around the one year mark - which is fast approaching with Rayya, so there is light at the end of the tunnel! I fully admit, I don't love the baby stage for that reason - too many variables. It just doesn't jive with my personality. But that's okay. I've learned that there are others who share this feeling of frustration with babies... including a few "older generation" friends, who have been very encouraging! They tell me that they often found that their friends would complain that they wanted to have babies back in the house, and they were thrilled to finally be enjoying their children once they were older. I totally feel that! I LOVE and ADORE my babies... but I do look forward to them being older.

Like right now, I absolutely can't get enough of my three year-old. Yes, three year-olds have some difficult aspects to them, but the talking and conversations just can't be beat! He's dependent, and independent. He's little, but big. He can walk on his own, but I can still hold him. He can tell me what he needs, what hurts, what he wants for lunch, where his favourite toy is, and can even play outside alone (as long as he stays in the sandbox where I can see him out the window). He sleeps through the night!!! I LOVE, love, LOVE this age! I could push pause on 2-3 years-old easily, and be happy.

Sleep Experiment - Night One

Last night I decided I would try the suggestions of a few blogger friends, and put Rayya down to bed earlier. I tell you, there is a phenomena with my children. If I have a plan to start them on a new routine they automatically do it on their own. I'm serious! She woke up yesterday morning at 7:30am (I didn't give her a bottle all night, and I've been trying to wean her off the early morning bottles for a few nights now). She was cranky and tired at 9:00am, so I put her down for a nap. She slept until about 10:45am. I put her down for her afternoon nap at 1:00pm, and though she had two soother-reinsertion wake-ups, she napped until 3:30pm. I then put her to bed about 45 minutes earlier than usual - at 7:15pm, versus 8:00pm. She was super cranky anyway, and she fell asleep no problem. Putting her to bed that early meant she didn't get her last bottle of the day, so I was not sure what to expect for her night. She slept solid until 3:00am, when she woke up and wanted her soother. She woke up again at around 6:00am, and again I just gave her the soother. She slept until 6:45am, when she got woken up by James (who was up super early), but when I put her soother in she closed her eyes and went back to sleep until 7:30am.

That's not a major improvement, because she still woke up for her soother - and I don't know what to do about those soother wake-ups. James was long done with the soother at night at this age. Rayya doesn't need it for anything but sleeping - but she doesn't even need it to fall asleep - she just seems to need it to STAY asleep.

However, it was a nice long sleep for her, and the routine was good. Today she seems to be following along perfectly. Awake at 7:30am, now down for a nap around 9:30am, and hopefully I'll be able to get her into bed a little earlier today - I'm going to try 7:00pm.

One Night On, One Night Off

Honestly, I could go in my backyard and scream right now. The words would likely be four-lettered, and unpleasant. The phrase "roll with the punches" keeps coming to my mind, but right now I say screw that!
I like consistency. I like knowing when something is going to happen, and when. I guess I'm not keen on spontaneity - at least when it comes to my kids, and sleeping. I like a basic schedule, a regular routine naptime, and a good night's sleep - for everyone.
The last 7 months have been okay as far as sleeping I guess - if you are okay with being up 3-5 times a night. These wake-ups are short, and don't require a lot of time or work, which makes it easy to pass it off as a "good night". But they are not good nights, and doing that kind of wake-up-back-to-bed routine has taken it's toll. My interrupted sleep is not good sleep at all. Have you read about the recent studies done on sleep? If you do a CT scan on the brain of a sleep-deprived person, even if it's only an hour or two, the brain patterns resemble those of a person with psychosis. I FEEL like I'm going psycho!
So this past week Rayya has been up to something a little different. Now, with the introduction of more solids, she seems to be sleeping better. However, a better night for her means that the following days' schedule of napping get screwed, and therefore her next night is bad. Today we're on the screwed up nap schedule, which means tonight will be rough. What she does is this:
• Goes to bed for the night at 8:00pm, usually without a peep.
• On a good night there will be no wake-ups, or at most one, just to put in a soother.
• She'll sleep until 5:00am, have a bottle and go back to sleep, or on a really good night, sleep through until 8:00am or so.
• If she has a good night, she will fight her morning nap usually until I give in and keep her up. If she has a bad night, she will take about an hour long nap in the morning, about 9:00am-10:00am.
• If she skips morning nap, she will fall asleep with her midday bottle, at 12:30, which is too early.
• Then she will wake up before 3:00pm, and not go back to sleep.
• If she naps well in the afternoon (two or three hours), and wakes up around 4:00pm, she will be fine until bedtime and have a good night.
• If she doesn't have a good afternoon nap, like today, she will be exhausted by 6:00pm, but that is too late for a nap, and too early for bed. Screwed! The night ahead will either be effected by a too-late nap, or an overtired baby.
I hate this routine. I've thought about letting her cry it out, but this too comes with complications. When Rayya wakes up at night, she isn't crying. She's happy. If I let her be, she just simply coos and talks to herself until she's all wide awake and hyper - and THEN I might have to try to work to put her back to sleep. It would be easier if she would cry! I can't sleep when she's babbling to herself. And you know how everything in the house seems doubly loud at night when all else is quiet? Well, so does her talking, and squealing. So it keeps me up, and potentially could wake up all the other sleepers.
All this waking and wondering and guessing and working has me right ticked. I want sleep at night, so that I have energy to look after everyone, cook a couple of meals, and not lose my patience and my mind. I can definately tell that the sporadic behaviour of little miss Rayya is making me extremely anxious. She is happy, and for that I am SO thankful - but eventually her happiness still masks sleepiness, and she needs to get that sleep. How do you fix the miss-match of a non-routine child with a thrives-on-routine mother?

UPDATE: After getting mad and causing Rayya to cry (because I wouldn't take her out of her crib, and said in a firm voice "no, it's sleeping time"), she has finally fallen to sleep again. I snuck in there to watch her, and immediately I feel guilty, and horrible for making her cry. I just pray that I can raise her to be a Godly woman, with tonnes more patience and endurance than me. I want her to love her kids more than anything, and I want her to know love and know that she is loved more than anything. All the anger melts away when I look at that little person, innocently sleeping, knowing nothing more than her mommy will be there to get her when she wakes up. Why do I get so stressed about this sleep thing? I just want to enjoy every moment, and love every moment, but I get caught up in the frustrations of the moment instead. Argh.

Rayya - 7 Months

My little birdie is 7 months old already! I can't believe how the time is flying. Well, let's see... whats new with her? She is weighing in just over 14.5 lbs - which puts her in the 10th percentile for weight, which isn't awesome. So, we have to really start feeding her good and proper - and that's great, because she is finally loving solids! Everything seems to be her favourite, but I think she really likes pears and baked nectarines (who WOULDN'T love baked nectarines?!). She is also eating lots of rice and oatmeal cereal, sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, apples, bananas, pumpkin, avocado, and soon we'll try green beans. She still has a bottle every four hours or so, but the other day she only drank four - and today only three! But that may be linked to the increase in solids. She loves Baby Mum Mum cookies - though I hate letting her have them, because she makes a huge mess with them. James was a neat freak (still is), but not this girl! No, no, no! She likes things messy!

Her sleeping is still all over the place - with most nights consisting of two or three soother-reinsertion wake-ups, and one bottle wake-up sometime around 4:00 or 5:00am. Then, it can be drastically different, like last night, which was a solid sleep from 8:30pm - 8:30am! Weird.

She is sporting two front lower teeth now, which are adorable. She can sit up, though only for short periods of time. She doesn't seem to get the point of the Jolly Jumper, and when I put her in it she sort of just swings around in drunken circles. She is very "talkative", and also loves to giggle and laugh - mostly at her big brother, the clown! Her favourite toy is a goofy dragonfly that makes kind of eery girly noises.

Still easy-going, Rayya is pretty much happy all the time. We can't complain. Even when she's tired, she will usually try to keep a happy face on. She's amazing. Our little miracle takes after her brother in that she is a bit of a traffic-stopper. I don't know what it is, but my kids seem to draw a crowd in public places. I don't mind. I'm super proud of them - and they love the attention. All in all, I'm enjoying most aspects of being a mom of two. The aspects that I'm not enjoying are a post yet to come.

Dare to Compare - Sandal Shot

James' first sandals...

Rayya's first sandals...

Heartbroken

Today my heart broke.

I was trying to get something out of a cupboard, while James stood below me and was busy telling me all about his cars. I didn't immediately answer him, because I was reading labels. Then he said, "Mommy, you are always busy".

"Yes, I am!" I replied.

"You are always so busy that you don't talk to me".

Stab me in the heart and turn the knife.

Drive me over with a Hummer.

Shoot me square in the head.

That hurt. I knew it actually wasn't the least bit true, but it hurt.

Was I really so busy that even my three year-old felt neglected?

I just felt crushed.

I came down off the chair, and just started to cry.

At that moment, Rayya decided to wake up an hour too early from her nap, meaning that now James would get even less of my attention.

Suddenly, I was overcome by the enemy.

I began to believe that I was a horrible mommy.

I don't make enough time for my kids.

I'm too busy doing unnecessary things.

I'm a waste.

I'm a failure.

I'm not beautiful.

I suck.

*insert pitiful sobs here*

The lies grew in my heart until I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to flee the house. Get away from it. Get away from all the things that made me "too busy" for my kids. So I packed them up in my tears, all the while explaining to James that I was crying because I was sad, not because of him, and that I needed to talk to grandma because I wasn't sure if I was a good mommy.

When we got to my mom's, she was outside in the yard and James immediately went to her and said, "We came over because mommy is sad and crying because she's not a good mommy."

My mom asked him, "Do you think she's a good mommy?".

Of course James said, "Yes".

But it didn't erase the damage that the enemy had done.

I was a wreck.

I still am a little bit.

I feel overwhelmed.

Lost.

Afraid... of nothing.

Get behind me satan.

Lord, keep me strong.

Stand before me, and show me Thy truth.