I've stopped many times over the last year or so to think about why I feel I can't blog anymore. Even writing this post is tough. I'm just not into it anymore. I've gone through so many different aspects of it - the stress I was feeling about "having" to blog, the anxiety I was experiencing while having a baby and a toddler (they were not the cause of the anxiety, but dealing with it while taking care of them was rough), and then the competitive side of me that got upset when I didn't feel that I had enough comments on my post. I really disliked that the response my posts were getting was starting to reflect on how I was feeling about myself.
I went through a phase where I was even bitter - because I felt that my blog got the most attention when I was in pain (through my miscarriages), and felt that I was only considered interesting when I was hurting. And then I felt a little annoyed that I was also only interesting when I was pregnant. What about all that is in between? When I'm not suffering, or when I'm not pregnant? How about the every day life? I wondered who was interested in THAT part of me - which really makes up a lot more of my life than these other parts!
The truth is that since I've let go of the blogging, a few things have changed and for the better.
One, I don't judge myself or the validity of my thoughts and feelings based on what OTHERS think (and therefore, comment). This is huge for me. I have learned to trust God more. I go to Him more often with these thoughts than running to my computer to put them on the web. I no longer get anxious or upset about the lack of comments. I really have come to peace with the fact that my blog had become a gauge of my popularity and wasn't for me anymore.
Two, I spend more time away from the computer. Yes, Facebook and other things still draw me to it - but I can look at those in a minute, while blogging required me to sit down and focus. I miss the blog days, of reading about everyone's lives, etc. However, I appreciate the quick glances into peoples lives via Facebook. The time I don't spend on the computer is time well spent, I think.
Three, the only thing I want to blog about these days is my kids. And because I find that I want to come on here and just gush and gush about them - I decided that I'd rather invest that time in THEM, and not you (sorry, still love you though!). I begged God for these blessings, and the LAST thing I want to do is turn my back on them and ignore them! Not that blogging really caused them neglect, as I tended to blog once they were in bed for the night. However, I would still find myself working on my posts during the day, while they would be clinging to my legs and trying to press the keyboard buttons. So perhaps when they go to school I will be able to pick up my blogging again.
Four, I found that I actually would THINK in terms of a future blog post. I would do things and react to things, and take photos of things merely for the sake of blogging about them - and was finding it harder to just enjoy the moment, instead of how I was going to document it. Yes, I think blogging was becoming a problem for me! Blog-a-holics Anonymous anybody?
Five, I was beginning to miss anonymity. I don't want to be unknown, but there were parts of my life that I felt had been over-publicized I think. This was completely self-inflicted. But I like getting together with friends, and then be able to tell them something going on in my life that they HAVEN'T already read in full detail on my blog. Sometimes these life glimpses are still caught on Facebook - but not the raw openness of blogging about it. I like being transparent, but I think there is value in being able to tell people about things going on with me face-to-face. We're losing a lot of the verbal communication we once had. Like the phone. So when I started to feel a little bare, and found myself wanting to run and hide, I realized that it was within my control to cover up and get that privacy I was missing. It's great to be transparent, but there is also huge value in being private.
I still often reflect about my quest (into) through motherhood. My blog still has purpose to me, and I will come back to it. Motherhood has changed me drastically. I knew it would, but I never knew it would change me like this. The changes are all good. As I learn to focus my time and energy on my kids, it also helps me focus on Who gave them to me. I feel so blessed... too blessed to blog. There are not enough words, nor time, to really do justice to the feelings I have for my God-given gifts. James and Rayya are worth every second of the things I am missing out on in the blogging world.
